YOU KNOW, FOLKS, EVERY NIGHT -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

EVERY NIGHT, WITHOUT FAIL, THIS IS OUR PROMISE -- LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, EVERY NIGHT I COME OUT HERE TO THE STAGE OF THE ED

SULLIVAN THEATER, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME

OVER THERE, PROCESSING THE DAY'S STORIES IN MY NEWS LAB, TRYING

TO DEVELOP THEM INTO AN INEXPENSIVE MONOLOGUE-BASED

SUBSTITUTE FOR SYNTHETIC RUBBER.

BUT SOMETIMES, I MISTAKENLY MIX THE BORIC ACID WITH SILICONE

OIL, AND ACCIDENTALLY DISCOVER A RESULTANT PUTTY OF SILLINESS

THAT IS STRETCHY AND PLIABLE, YET BOUNCY WHEN ROLLED INTO A

BALL.

BEST OF ALL, IF YOU PRESS IT AGAINST A NEWSPAPER, IT PICKS UP

SMALLER STORIES WHICH I STORE IN THE LITTLE RED PLASTIC EGG OF

NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT -- >> MEANWHILE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: MEANWHILE,

MEANWHILE, IT'S THE ONLY THING STABLE LEFT IN THIS COUNTRY.

MEANWHILE -- ( LAUGHTER )

-- MATTEL HAS LAUNCHED A

GENDER-NEUTRAL BARBIE DOLL.

WHICH IS GREAT NEWS FOR REPRESENTATION, BUT NOT REALLY

NECESSARY.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BARBIE DOLL WITHOUT CLOTHES?

THEY'RE ALREADY AS GENDER-NEUTRAL AS IT GETS.

( LAUGHTER ) KEN IS CUT, THOUGH.

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN EARLY CHRISTMAS

NEWS, "MEET THE WORLD'S FIRST KALE-FLAVORED CANDY CANES," BUT

THE MAKERS WARN, THEY "MIGHT NOT HAVE THE NUTRITIONAL VALUE OF

ACTUAL KALE."

SO IF YOU WANT NONE OF THE TASTE OF CANDY AND NONE OF THE

NUTRIENTS OF KALE, THIS IS THE CONFECTIONERY NIGHTMARE YOU'VE

BEEN WAITING FOR.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

MEANWHILE, RENOWNED FRENCH CHEF MARC VEYRAT IS SUING THE

MICHELIN GUIDE AFTER THEY DEMOTED HIS RESTAURANT FROM

THREE STARS TO TWO, BECAUSE, HE SAYS, "MICHELIN'S REVIEWER

WRONGLY DETERMINED A CHEESE SOUFFLE AS HAVING CHEDDAR IN

IT," ADDING -- (AS INSULTED FRENCHMAN)

"THEY DARED TO SAY THAT WE PUT CHEDDAR IN OUR SOUFFLE OF

REBLOCHON, BEAUFORT, AND TOMME.

THEY HAVE INSULTED OUR REGION, MY EMPLOYEES WERE FURIOUS."

LISTEN, MONSIEUR, I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING FOR THIS TO BE MY

BIGGEST CONCERN RIGHT NOW.

WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR NEW SEGMENT: FRENCH PEOPLE PROBLEMS.

(AS FRENCHMAN) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

(AS FRENCHMAN) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

(AS FRENCHMAN) ZE LIFE OF A FRENCHMAN EEZ A

LIFE OF PAIN.

TODAY, MY BRIE EEZ TOO COLD TO SPREAD ON A CRACKEUR.

AND ZAT EEZ JUST ZE TIP OF MY ICEBERG OF ENNUI.

MY LOCAL MIME WEARS A SHIRT WITH STRIPES THAT ARE...

VERTICAL.

JOIN ME NEXT TIME, WHEN I TELL YOU HOW MY POOR WIFE CANNOT FIND

ENOUGH LOVERS.

ZIS HAS BEEN: "FRENCH PEOPLE PROBLEMS."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )

>> Stephen: BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY BRITTANY HOWARD!