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  • Translator: Danielle Sarah Reeve Reviewer: Denise RQ

  • I'm so excited!

  • (Laughter)

  • Well, I'm excited not only to be in TEDx San Diego,

  • but to touch on my favorite subject:

  • the secret to motivating your children.

  • I mean we try to motivate, we do [our] best,

  • but generally what do we do?

  • We use fear: "Ah, if you don't do this, mmm, big punishment."

  • Or we bribe them: "OK, if you do this, you'll get this prize, or this payment."

  • And, well it works, on the short term.

  • But there are ramifications, consequences that we're not aware of in the long run,

  • when we educate in this manner.

  • So, today I want to ask you a question:

  • How many of you would love to have a better relationship with your children?

  • Raise your hands.

  • Everyone, of course!

  • Now, a harder question:

  • How many of you believe you know, exactly, how to motivate your children?

  • Don't worry, don't feel bad, I don't see any hands.

  • Don't take it personally.

  • My studies - I've been studying this for more than 20 years -

  • are that less than 2% of parents have the exact answer to this question.

  • The good news is:

  • all of you, by the end of this talk, are going to know, exactly, in one word,

  • how to motivate your children.

  • So, let me start by telling you a real story.

  • I live in Mexico City and we were at a party,

  • it was a girl's 10th birthday;

  • my friend has four daughters and they were behaving, not [badly],

  • no, [terribly]!

  • (Laughter)

  • It came to a point that my friend was very tired and went to the four girls:

  • "The four of you come here, either you behave well or we're going to leave."

  • Oh, and let me mention, in Mexico the best part of a party is the piñata,

  • the famous piñata. (a figure filled with goodies).

  • No kid wants to leave before the piñata.

  • So the first daughter stares at her mom and says:

  • "Mom you're right. I've been telling my sisters to behave,

  • but they don't pay attention, what can I do?"

  • So the mom goes: "Good job, I'm doing well."

  • The second daughter looks at the mom

  • (She sobs)

  • "I'm so sorry mom,

  • I hate disappointing you,

  • but see, if I don't do what my sisters say then they think I'm a goody goody,

  • and I always follow you, and then they don't like me."

  • "But I didn't want you to not like me either."

  • (Sobs)

  • (Laughter)

  • Total depression. She goes to a corner, depressed.

  • She needs therapy, probably, after that.

  • The third daughter stares at her mom:

  • "My mom, beautiful, wonderful 'preciosa mamita'.

  • (Laughter)

  • "You keep enjoying what you're doing, of course I'm going to behave."

  • "I'm having a wonderful time."

  • She waits five minutes and guess what she does?

  • She goes back to doing what she [was doing].

  • And then, the last daughter stares at her mom and she says:

  • "Oh really? Then we leave right now!"

  • (Laughter)

  • What happened?

  • Same household, same education, [they were raised in the same place].

  • Why did they react so differently?

  • You might all say, "Obvious, they're different."

  • So if it is so obvious, why do we so often give one instruction

  • to different people expecting the same outcome?

  • That's what we're going to talk about today.

  • So, what I did is that, all the way from Mexico city, I brought the four girls.

  • (Laughter)

  • And they are going to tell you a bit [about] themselves,

  • and the most important part: what motivates each one of them

  • in several words and in one word.

  • So let me introduce you to the first daughter.

  • Oh, these are mine by the way.

  • (Laughter)

  • Let me introduce you to the first daughter.

  • Her name is Donna because she's so dominant.

  • "Hi, I'm a controlling child, yes I am. I know it and I don't care.

  • I like things done, not fast, super fast.

  • I'm very independent, I like things fast, direct, I have a lot of willpower.

  • I mean, since I was a baby, you know, if I was going maybe 4 hours drive,

  • I didn't like the car seat, so I would cry.

  • And I wouldn't stop crying, 'til the 4 hours were over.

  • I mean, I get what I want. I don't ask for it, I demand it.

  • I mean, that's how life should be, no?

  • Let's get what we want, let's insist on it.

  • I'm adventurous, I'm powerful. So, what do you think motivates me?

  • OK, challenges? I love being right.

  • I know they say that it's more important to be happy.

  • I don't know who says that.

  • I mean come on!

  • Being right is super more important than being happy.

  • Winning and control, very important.

  • But if you can only remember one word, remember this: I need power.

  • I like to feel powerful.

  • So the next time you're communicating with me,

  • if you [take] away my power, you bring [out] the worst in me.

  • "So If I'm at a party and my mom [says],

  • 'if you behave [badly], I'm going to take you [away].

  • Oh really? We'll see, we'll see who wins."

  • So, the question here is: what should the mother have said?

  • Well, the answer,

  • before creating things, is ask yourselves: what motivates my D daughter? Power.

  • So, why don't I tell Donna: "Hey Donna, I need to ask for a favour.

  • See, your sisters follow you. I wish they would follow me more,

  • and I need your help.

  • I know I'm asking a lot because you're just 10 years old.

  • And what I'm asking you to do, well, generally, we ask adults.

  • So I hope you can do this.

  • Can you help me set an example for your sisters?

  • Can you do that?"

  • What? D is going to resist that?

  • I mean that's gold to my ears.

  • So we get the first good outcome.

  • And now I want to introduce you to Sally.

  • Before introducing you to Sally, this is my D daughter.

  • So this is how I've become an expert on the subject.

  • (Laughter)

  • "Hello, I am Sally the social [girl].

  • I'm a happy kid, I love fun, I love doing happy things,

  • and connecting with people, talking to people, knowing people.

  • Is there anything else in life than knowing a lot of friends,

  • and having a lot of friends?

  • So to me, helping others and having a great old time is wonderful.

  • [At] the party you must ask yourselves what motivates us?

  • OK, so [as] social people, we need [to connect] with people,

  • [to make] friends, [to help] others.

  • Our keywords are: connection and fun.

  • My mother could have just come and said,

  • how about if she would have said:

  • 'Hey look at all those trees, don't they make amazing hiding places?

  • Why don't you organize a great hide and seek game?'

  • You think I'm going to resist that?

  • You think I'm going to want to go back to do what I was doing,

  • when I can do a hide and seek game?

  • See how it flows, how naturally it comes,

  • when we are motivated to do what we were born to do?

  • So that's our social [girl].

  • And let me introduce you to Vivi, my social sister.

  • She has given me the experience to deal with social people.

  • If you're hearing a laugh, it's my mom.

  • (Laughter)

  • Third, I want to introduce you to Patty.

  • Good afternoon.

  • (Laughter)

  • "My name is Patty. I love helping, stability, my family.

  • I love being close to my family. I miss [them] when I'm away.

  • I don't like pressure, I hate confrontation.

  • I really stress out with that.

  • I like for people to get along, to love each other, to share, to care.

  • What motivates me the most?

  • Harmony, safety, kindness, acceptance, helping others.

  • A key word for me: safety.

  • If I feel safe, I'll go to the [end] of the world,

  • But If I feel threatened, well, I don't do much at all.

  • I can freeze even.

  • So, what should have my mom said to me?

  • She could've approached me and in a very loving and caring way said:

  • 'Patty, I know you want to please your sisters, I understand.

  • And I know you feel bad because you want to please me,

  • but remember, life is not about pleasing others.

  • I know deep down in your heart you know what's right.

  • Trust your heart, not people outside of you, but yourself.

  • No matter what happens, I'm always here and I love you.'

  • (She takes a deep breath) That felt so good.

  • So let's remember, if you have kids like me,

  • always through patience, love, and understanding.

  • No pressure please. We don't do well. Thank you."

  • And, this is my beautiful Valentina. She's my Patty daughter who has taught me

  • [about] the kindness and wonderful human heart of that style of personality.

  • Last but not least:

  • "Hi, My name is Anna. I am a very responsible child

  • [ever] since I was born, I do what I am suppose to;

  • I follow rules, that's why they exist, I wish everyone would.

  • I'm very ordered, I organize my things wonderfully well.

  • So, I'm a very good child. I have good grades.

  • Hey, so, you could almost say we're the perfect children.

  • The problem is we need to lighten up sometimes

  • because we take so much responsibility and so much so [seriously],

  • that we always have stomach problems.

  • When we grow up, if you know people like me, we have gastroenteritis

  • and a lot of other stomach things.

  • (Laughter)

  • We are just way too apprehensive.

  • So what motivates us: order, structure, mental challenges.

  • Key word: clarity.

  • Step by step, specific instructions and you will get the best of us.

  • And from the daughters, Anna was the one who reacted in the best way

  • because she said, "I know mom."

  • So we could give her instructions [on]

  • how she could help her [sisters] do better things.

  • So, in conclusion... Oh, and let me introduce [you to] Vane,

  • my analytical sister who, when I grew up,

  • [helped me understand] the importance of cleanliness,

  • that's next to heavenliness right?

  • (Laughter)

  • So, just to conclude,

  • I hope that you remember, when you talk to your children, what motivates them.

  • Is it power? Is it connection and fun?

  • Is it safety? Is it clarity?

  • Be it what it may be, I invite you to create a chain reaction

  • for all parents to change manipulation to motivation.

  • Thank you.

  • (Applause)

Translator: Danielle Sarah Reeve Reviewer: Denise RQ

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激勵孩子的祕訣|Jennifer Nacif|TEDxSanDiego (The secret to motivating your child | Jennifer Nacif | TEDxSanDiego)

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