The way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event.

我最後走上這條路也是因為慘痛的過去。

When I finished school I was completely lost, I didn't know what I wanted to do.

畢業後的我很迷茫，我不知道自己想做什麼。

I really... I had no ambition.

我真的…我沒有目標。

I didn't know what I wanted to do.

我真的不知道自己想做什麼。

I did everything from I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners, I had no idea.

我去剝過牡蠣，當過主持人、調酒師、服務生，也去刷過油漆，賣吸塵器等等，對未來完全沒有任何想法。

My girlfriend had been killed in a car accident and I was uh, we were living together at the time

我的女朋友死於一場交通意外，而我…我們當時住在一起。

My brother's band was performing and uh, we had broken up.

那時候我哥哥的樂團在表演，而我們就分手了。

We fought a lot.

我們吵了很久。

She was trying to get me to come back home, I acted like I couldn't hear her because the music was too loud.

她試著要勸我回家，而我卻裝作音樂聲太大聽不到她說話。

I was planning on moving back in, I just was trying to teach her a lesson and I was staying with some friends.

其實我已經打算要搬回去，我只是想給她上一課，加上當時跟朋友待在一起。

So I just acted like I couldn't hear her and I was being really just dismissive of her.

所以我只好裝作聽不到，對她一屑不顧。

She had left before us and as we were driving home, we saw a car and it was split in two and we heard sirens behind us so it had just happened.

於是她就先離開，當我們在開車回家的時侯，看到一台被剖半的車。後來聽到警笛聲從後面來，所以猜想應該是剛發生的事故。

Nobody was there yet and we just kept going.

還沒有人在現場，所以我們就往前走過去。

And I found out shortly after that it was her.

不久後，我發現那是她。

And I was living in a basement apartment.

之後我住在公寓的地下室裡。

I had no money, I had no heat, no air, I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas and I was soul searching.

我沒有錢、沒有暖氣、沒有冷氣，我只有一張床墊，公寓裡滿滿都是跳蚤，而我在裡面自省。

I was like why is she suddenly gone and there are fleas here?

我在想為什麼她突然就離開了？為什麼這裡到處都是跳蚤？

I started this path of stand up and it was successful and it was great but it was hard.

後來我開始了脫口秀的生涯，做得很成功、很棒，但走得很辛苦。

Because I was trying to please everybody and I had the secret that I was keeping that I was gay and I thought if people found out, they wouldn't like me, they wouldn't laugh at me.

因為我很努力地取悅每一個人，我背負著一個我是同性戀的秘密。我覺得只要他們知道了，他們就不再喜歡我、不再覺得我有趣了。

At the time you told your dad, he was with... you know his new wife, right?

當你跟爸爸坦承的時候，他是跟…就你也知道他的新老婆，對吧？

And your stepmother, and what happened?

他跟你的後母，當時發生什麼事？

Well, actually he told me that he figured it out.

嗯…其實他告訴我他已經知道了。

I was upset about something and he kept saying "Did you rob a bank? Did you kill somebody?"

我很難過，而他也不斷地問「你去搶了銀行？你殺了人？」

And I kept saying "No, I just don't wanna tell you" and finally I told him.

我不斷回答：「沒有，我只是不想告訴你。」，而最後我還是告訴他了。

And actually he told me, and uh, then they asked me to move out of the house.

其實應該是他跟我坦承，他們也要求我搬走。

Mmhm. Because?

原因是？

She had two little girls that they worried that it would influence them.

她有兩個女兒，爸爸和後母擔心會影響到她們。

You know, still everything was fine, it was just that they didn't want me living in the house with the two little girls which really hurt because I loved them, you know.

其實一切都很好，他們只是不想我跟兩個小女生同住一個屋簷下。而這件事真的讓我很受傷，因為我真的愛她們。

I finally decided that, I was living with so much shame and so much fear, that I just couldn't live that way anymore.

我曾經活在一個充滿羞耻、恐懼的陰影下，我最後決定不能再這樣下去了。

And I decided to come out and make it creative and my character would come out at the same time and it wasn't to make a political statement, it wasn't to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest.

最後我決定走出來，讓我的生活變得有創意，同時讓我的個性顯現出來；並不是為了表達政治立場，不為什麼只為放開自己，讓自己從那沉重的情緒走出來，我只想要忠於自己。

And I thought, "What's the worst that could happen? I can lose my career".

我想過「最壞的情況會是怎麼樣？我可能會丟了飯碗。」

I did, I lost my career.

的確，我的事業沒了。

I got... the show was cancelled after six years without even telling me; I read it in the paper.

我…我主持 6 年的秀連通知都沒有就停掉了，是我看報紙才知道這個消息。

Um... The phone didn't ring for three years.

嗯…電話也有 3 年沒有響過。

I had no offers.

沒有工作機會。

Nobody wanted to touch me at all.

沒有人想跟我接觸。

Yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide but didn't because of what I did.

可是卻收到一些小朋友的來信，他們都是差點就自殺了，但最後因為我而沒有實行。

And I realized that I had a purpose.

我發現我有我的意義。

And it wasn't just about me and it wasn't about celebrity, but I felt like I was being punished and it was a bad time.

並不是因為我，不是因為我是位明星，可我覺得自己像是被懲罰，還有那是段煎熬的時期。

I was angry, I was sad, and then I was offered a talk show.

我曾經很生氣、很難過，後來有了一個做脫口秀的機會。

And the people that offered me the talk show tried to sell it.

給我機會的人嘗試把這個秀賣出去播。

And most stations didn't want to pick it up.

但大部分的電視台都不願意接受。

Most people didn't want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.

不願意買是因為他們覺得沒有人會想看我。

Really when I look back on it, I wouldn't change a thing.

講真的，當我回首看這一切，不會想要改變任何事情。

I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is to be true to yourself.

意思是，過去失去的一切對我來說都很重要，因為我最終發現最重要的是忠於自己。

Ultimately, that's what's gotten me to this place.

最後，是這些經歷帶我走到這裡。

I don't live in fear, I'm free; I have no secrets and I know I'll always be okay.

我不再活在恐懼，我現在自由了；我沒有秘密，我知道總會好過來的。

Because no matter what, I know who I am. 

因為不管怎麼樣，我知道自己是誰。

For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity and not to give in to peer pressure to try to be something that you're not.

對我而言，生命中最重要的事是忠於自己，不要因為同儕的壓力而成為一個自己不喜歡的人。

To live your life as an honest and compassionate person, to contribute in some way.

以真誠和憐憫之心待人，以自己的方式作出貢獻。