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  • 10:45 AM.

    早上 10 點 45 分。

  • Has one snack of peanuts and water.

    吃了一份花生還喝了水。

  • Oh, hi, I'm not doing anything suspicious.

    噢,嗨!我沒有在做什麼可疑的事啦。

  • Have you ever had a certain person you think is really awesome, and you want to spend all your time with them?

    你曾經有沒有過一個人讓你覺得他很美好,而且想無時無刻不跟他膩在一起?

  • You write their name over and over again in your journal.

    你在日記裡一次又一次提到他的名字。

  • You make sacrifices to an effigy of them made of glitter and straw.

    你用亮粉和稻草做出他的雕像,並獻祭給他。

  • No? Just me?

    沒有嗎?只有我這樣做嗎?

  • Okay.

    好喔。

  • Your first instinct might be to jump down a well or into a bottomless mine where you will seamlessly assimilate into bat culture, because crushes are terrible.

    因為「愛慕」這件事太可怕了,你的本能可能會讓你想跳進水井或深不可測的礦井裡,直接跟蝙蝠同化。

  • They consume your thoughts.

    依戀的情感讓你耗盡心思。

  • Does this person like me?

    這個人喜歡我嗎?

  • Will they ever talk to me?

    他們會跟我說話嗎?

  • How can I make them like me?

    我該怎麼讓他們喜歡我?

  • Oh, God, maybe they're dating someone.

    噢,天啊,他現在可能就在跟某人約會。

  • Just chill, relax.

    先冷靜、放鬆。

  • Do you want a massage?

    想要按摩嗎?

  • No? Personal space, I get it, I get it.

    不要?個人空間是吧,我瞭、我瞭了。

  • First things first, try your darndest not to stalk them on the Internet.

    首要之務就是不要在網路世界跟蹤他們的一舉一動。

  • The only thing that results in is more anxiety.

    這麼做只會讓你更加焦慮。

  • You start thinking everyone in every picture is their significant other.

    你會開始假設照片中的人是他的另一半。

  • Is that a cousin or a girlfriend?

    這是表堂姐妹嗎?還是他女朋友?

  • Is that a grandpa or a sugar daddy?

    那是她爺爺還是她乾爹?

  • It's confusing, I know.

    我知道這很讓人困惑。

  • The bad news, you can't force anyone to like you.

    但壞消息是,你不能強迫任何人喜歡你。

  • Usually, when you do that, they end up not liking you at all.

    通常當你這麼做之後,他們只會變得不喜歡你而已。

  • Just sending some letters.

    我只是在寄一些信。

  • Come in.

    請進。

  • Excuse me, sir.

    先生,不好意思。

  • Huh?

    哼?

  • Have you seen a young lady around here, about yea high, pink hair?

    你有沒有在這附近看到一名年輕的女子,大約這麼高,有著粉紅色頭髮?

  • Nope, nothing like that.

    沒啊,沒看過這人。

  • Okay, I'll see myself out.

    好的,我就先行離開了。

  • That's the third time this week.

    這已經是這週第三次了。

  • I'm gonna tell you a secret that's only been transcribed in the oldest, most ancient and spooky of tomes.

    我要告訴你一個秘密,它只被記載在那部最古老的又陰森的鉅著之中。

  • The absolute only way to get your crush to notice you: talk to them.

    想要讓你暗戀的對象注意你的唯一方法就是:跟他們說話。

  • Use those weird flaps you call lips and form noises into words in their general direction.

    用這兩片你稱之為「嘴唇」的怪異薄辦,直接對他們發出噪音、形成話語。

  • Find out about them, their favorite brand of toothpaste, what kind of masks they like to wear, normal stuff.

    多了解他們,他們最愛的牙膏品牌、他們喜歡戴什麼面具,類似這種平常的事情。

  • If you say nothing, they'll never know you're interested, as friends or otherwise.

    如果你什麼都不說,他們永遠不會知道你想跟他們交朋友或建立其他關係。

  • People are nicer than we give them credit for.

    人們其實比我們想像得還要好。

  • We imagine the worst, but inside, everyone's a weird, wiggly ball of anxiety.

    我們常會設想最糟的情況,但其實每個人的內心都一樣古怪又焦慮。

  • And even if it doesn't work out, you did something that took courage, and that's something to be proud of.

    即使還是沒有成功,你也做了件需要勇氣的事,這很值得驕傲。

  • Changing your clothes or acting differently and hopes they take notice and ask you out just won't work.

    想要藉由改變自己的穿著或表現得特別一點,並期望對方注意到你,更進一步約你出去,這招是行不通的。

  • Think, would that work on you?

    你自己想,你會吃這套嗎?

  • Hmmmmmmm...?

    嗯......?

  • And besides, if you have to change yourself to gain their attention, they're not worth it.

    除此之外,如果你需要改變自己來吸引他們的目光,他們不值得你這麼做的。

  • Good luck, you loopy lovesick weirdos.

    祝好運囉,你們這些癡癡苦戀的怪人。

  • Well, you've got a crush to talk to, and I've got a plane to Fiji to catch.

    好啦,你有個暗戀的對象要談談,我則有架前往斐濟的飛機要搭。

  • See you later. (sirens wailing)

    晚點見囉。(警笛大作)

10:45 AM.

早上 10 點 45 分。

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