Heads up.

Oh, shit !

- Oh, hiya. - Don't sneak up on me like that !

Ooohh ! Do you want a cup of tea ?

Yes.

- There's your tea. - Thank you.

- You're up early. - I haven't been to bed.

Me and Mike met up with two Scottish guys in the pub and they gave us cheap speed.

Oh, Tim, that's so tacky.

I know. They were so nice.

If we'd have said no, they'd have got offended and beaten us to death with a pool cue.

Where's Mike now ?

Is there any post ?

- I did hear droppage. - I'm gonna go and get my rejection letters.

I met this really, really nice girl last night.

Shh ! I'm supposed to be your girlfriend.

- Marsha might hear. - Don't be daft !

- You never know who's listening. - Nobody's listening.

- You never know who's listening, - Nobody's listening,

So who was this girl, then ?

Her name was Cassandra, she was a psychic, she gave me her phone number.

That's our phone number.

Man, she's good.

Rejection, rejection, rejection.

This is shit ! This is so shit !

I'm a good writer, you know ? All I want is a chance to prove it.

Yeah ? Too much to ask ?

Oh, I really miss my boyfriend.

I'm gonna go to Hull to see Richard.

Don't try and stop me, Tim. OK ? I really need this.

Oh ! It's from Flaps !

- Who ? - The woman's magazine.

I've got an interview today ! I'd better get ready.

- What about Richard ? - Who ? Right, I'm gonna go to the shops.

- Do you want anything ? - Porn !

Tim, I'm not gonna buy you porn.

You can get it from railway sidings like everybody else.

I can't, I'm an adult. I'm supposed to leave it there.

Oh, hi, Bri !

Brought your mop back.

What are you playing ?

It's a subtle blend of lateral thinking and extreme violence.

What, like It's A Knockout ?

Did you want something ?

No. Not really.

Oh, there's a letter here for you. Came yesterday.

It's open.

Yeah. I opened it by accident because we've both got I's in our names.

- It's from Vulva. - Is that another woman's magazine ?

Vulva, it's an old friend. She's having a show tonight.

You've got a friend called Vulva ? Who's called Vulva ?

- Her real name's lan. - What do you mean her real name's lan ?

- She's non-gender specific. - What, you mean he's a tranny ?

- More than that. - What, a big, fat tranny ?

Vulva. We had a multimedia performance-art partnership before she moved on.

Such aesthetic wonders. Such vibrant times.

Yeah, I can imagine.

No. No, no. We did valuable work.

She was the beautiful one, really, I just danced to her tune,

It was purity.

It was physical. Not in a sexual sense, no, we were collaborative.

I don't expect you to understand. Most people don't want to hear, they just switch off.

It's hard to hear the story of a love affair between two straight men,

one of whom is the most divine woman alive.

So, are you gonna go ?

- I don't know, I haven't seen her for ages. - No, I meant are you gonna go now ?

Oh, yeah.

Research, research, research, research, research, research, research,

Clothes, clothes, ideas, clothes,,,

Clothes, ideas, photographers,,, and,,, ooh !

Right.

Current affairs, right. Ooh, current affairs.

OK. What do you think about...

What do you think about current affairs, Daisy ?

What do I think about them ? Erm, well, I like them. I think they're good.

Right. What shall I wear ?

- I think you should dress like a lesbian. - How do lesbians dress ?

Kind of like Suzi Quatro ?

It's not really a lesbian magazine.

It's more for modern, go-getting women with something to say, women like...

- Suzi Quatro ? - No ! Like me.

I'm not sure if I should go casual or strappy. Reliable and frumpy or stupid and glamorous.

Why don't you go something in-between ?

- Frumpy and stupid. - Save you getting ready.

- Tim, I'm serious ! This is important, I've... - Look ! Daisy...

Daisy, Daisy, Daisy.

It's gonna be OK.

Now have a big toke on this South African drugs-reefer-style spliff doobie.

I dunno. Might make me paranoid.

Oh, all right.

(Music from Psycho)

You all right ?

Yeah.

I nearly didn't make it. I was followed most of the way here by a squirrel.

Must have seen it six or seven times.

Maybe it was six or seven different squirrels.

- I like your shoes. - They're Patrick Cox's.

Oh, right. Borrowed them. Yeah.

Small feet for a bloke.

Oh, give Josh a big kiss for me. See you Saturday. Daisy Steiner ?

Hiya, Linda ! Be with you in a minute. Love the shoes. Patrick Cox's ?

Maybe you should try buying your own shoes in future.

Hello, Vulva.

So... come.

Hi.

Erm...

Hello ! Shit.

Hello, Vulva.

Yeah, hi, Vulva. Nice invitation.

Mm ? ! Oh, yeah, yeah. Hi, Vulva.

Vulva ! Hi ! How are you ? How... ?

How are you ? How are you ? How,,, are,,, you ?

Brian, painter. Damien... Damien... ?

Damien Hirst, hi, it's Brian.

Vulva, I'm talking to Damien.

Is it water with the sheep in the box ?

No, I paint. Lots of work with... paint.

I do big... big... big...

Fucking loser. Yeah, yeah, big loser.

Brian, painter, loser.

Big, fucking,,, loser !

Just...

Take a seat.

Daisy, is it ?

Ah. Like a little flower.

Right, I'm Yolanda.

This is Tracy, who is our stylist, and Catherine who is Head of Marketing,

and you've already met Sarah, she's Administration.

The position requires you to work closely with Michelle and Tara

who are busy working on features for our first edition

which we're aiming to get out by the end of the month.

We've started our launch campaign, have you seen it ?

- I'm sorry. - Have you seen the launch campaign ?

Yes.

Our magazine reflects the needs of today's women.

We want it big, hard and we want it now.

I knew I should have bought Huge Fat Cocks,

We need to know whether you feel, as someone working for our magazine,

you could honestly and intelligently reflect the needs of our demographic,...

..the 20-40-year-old-woman who doesn't say no,

who sees her home interiors the same way she sees her life...

..spunk !

We don't want you to pigeonhole yourself but would you call yourself a postfeminist ?

Um... ?

Let me put it this way, do you drink pints or shots ?

Well, I do drink a pint, I will drink a pint,

but I've been known to drink a vodka and tonic, you know,

at a wedding, or...

Well,... thanks for coming.

It's been really useful.

Right, well...

Girl power !

Don't write me off, Vulva.

I can be...

conceptual.

I'm sorry, Brian.

- Please. - It's your work.

Abstract expressionism is so mid-to-late '80s.

'There's no reason for us to stay any longer than necessary.'

'Let's split up, look for any survivors and get out of here.'

Hey !

- How did it go ? - Yeah, great. It went well, actually.

- Anyone phone ? - Your boyfriend.

- Anyone important ? - No.

You know when you said it went well ?

Well, when you said "well",

- did you mean shite ? - Yes.

I froze up. I just... made a tit of myself.

How much of a tit ?

I said... "girl power".

Did you do this ?

Yes.

Well, I mean, you know, you might have impressed them.

How ?

- Tim ! - Yeah, I'm thinking.

Oh, shit ! Shitting shit it !

Oh, don't be so dramatic, you don't know for definite you haven't got it. They might phone.

Well, pick it up, then !

Hello ? Oh, hi, Mike. Yeah, he's here, I'll just get him. It's your boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend.

- Hi, babe.

- Hello, Timmy. - 'Where are you ?'

- Er, Sheffield. - What are you doing in Sheffield ?

- Fell asleep on the tube. - The tube doesn't go to Sheffield.

- Yeah, I must have changed at King's Cross. - Well, don't fall asleep on the way back, OK ?

'Mike ?'

Mike !

What is it with you two ? You sound like his dad sometimes.

Well, it's a long story.

Hello ? Brian ?

No, he's the weirdo downstairs.

Oh ! Sorry, Brian ! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come up. OK, bye.

Brian's coming up.

Why did he phone ?

I don't know, why did he paint his arse blue last week ?

- You don't like him, do you ? - I do, I just think he's a bit pretentious.

How do I look ?

- A bit pretentious ? - I think you look lovely, Brian.

Do you think I should lose the waistcoat ?

I think you should burn it, cos, you know, if you lose it, you might find it again.

Are you going out, Bri ?

Yeah, he's gonna see his transsexual ex-boylgirlfriend's new play.

Oh, that sounds great ! Oh, we'll come ! You'll come, won't you, Tim ?

- No way, it's not my cup of tea. - No, it isn't.

Oh, come on, Bri, it'll be great, it'll be fun.

You'll hate it. It's just a bit of art, load of wankers, influential people.

- Free booze, though ! - Mm, yeah.

OK, let's go to the theatre.

You can come if you want but you probably won't get in.

There's three of us, we've only got one invitation.

That's OK. Go on, in you go. There's not that many here.

- They haven't got tickets. - Look, mate, I've told you, you can go in.

It's ridiculous, they haven't even been invited.

Just leave it, Brian. Let's just go in, it'll be fine.

We're not gonna embarrass you, we're here if you need us.

OK. Sorry. Sorry.

Hello !

- Shit ! - Hi !

- What you doin' here ? - Oh, we just came with Brian.

Oh, how wonderful !

- So how's it all goin' with the flat ? - It's fine.

Sorry, you come here for a big night out and there's your landlady spying on you.

Hello, Brian. Haven't seen you for a long while.

Been painting.

You've just been trying to avoid me, haven't ya ?

The show's starting.

- Hey ! - Sh !

Macro...

biotic !

Dust me clean !

A breath... alizer !

Using... a cleaning spray.

Knee...

- jerk ! - Suck it in !

Filter it out !

Go on !

Arrrhhhh...

Beautiful, Beautiful,

I cannot believe I said "girl power",

Hey, deadhead ! Take a bite of peach,

Hearing...

aidzz.

Fade...

out !

It's not finished !

It's finished.

- Do you mind if I put my glass there ? - It's a free country.

I thought... you were brilliant.

- And who are you, then ? - I'm Daisy Steiner, writer, sort of journalist.

Do you know any famous or important people ?

My mum's cousin went to school with Enya.

She was in the year above but they had the same percussion teacher.

I hate your mum and I hate you.