THAT PROGRAM.

LAST NIGHT AT THE TWO-YEAR MARK

OF THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY, WE PUT

ON A HALF-TIME SHOW.

THE FAILING "NEW YORK TIMES" PUT

US IN THEIR BEST OF LATE NIGHT

COLUMN.

JIMMY KIMMEL CELEBRATING THE

MIDWAY POINT.

AND "DEADLINE HOLLYWOOD".

WE EVEN GOT A SHOUT OUT FROM FOX

NEWS.

JIMMY KIMMEL DEPICTS TRUMP'S

FATHER IN HELL, MOCKS KELLYANNE

CONWAY'S SEX LIFE.

IT'S ANOTHER BIGLY DAY FOR

DONALD.

IT IS THE 14th WEDDING

ANNIVERSARY.

MELANIA SPENT THE DAY BINGE

WATCHING "ESCAPE FROM ANNAMORA".

AND A MARIS POLL SHOWING HIS

APPROVAL RATE BEING AMONG

LATINOS GOING UP.

MELANIA DID TWEET ABOUT HIM.

YOU'LL SEE THE TRUMPS HAVE

APPARENTLY BEEN SHRINKING SINCE

HE TOOK OFFICE, AND THEY CAN NOW

BOTH FIT COMFORTABLY ON A

PRESIDEN

PRESIDENTIAL COASTER, THE

TRADITIONAL GIFT FOR A 14th

ANNIVERSARY, YOU KNOW WHAT IT

IS?

IT'S IVORY.

SO TRUMP SENT HIS DUMB SONS TO

KILL AN ELEPHANT FOR LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

IF MELANIA CAN TAKE 14 YEARS OF

HIM, WE CAN STICK IT OUT FOR

ANOTHER TWO, RIGHT?

TODAY WAS THE 32nd DAY OF THIS

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN.

ALMOST 800,000 FEDERAL WORKERS

HAVEN'T BEEN PAID FOR A MONTH OF

WORK.

SO WE'VE BEEN GIVING JOBS TO

SOME OF THOSE UNPAID FEDERAL

EMPLOYEES.

SO FAR WE'VE HIRED TEN OF THEM

TO WORK AT THE SHOW.

WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF JOBS,

TONIGHT WE'RE JOINED BY NUMBER

11, JAMIE RODNEY.

HI, JAMIE.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> I'M SO EXCITED TO MEET YOU.

>> Jimmy: WHAT IS YOUR JOB?

TELL US WHAT YOUR JOB TITLE IS.

>> I'M A FEDERAL INVESTIGATOR

WITH THE UNITED STATES

DEPARTMENT OF HOUSING AND URBAN

DEVELOPMENT.

>> Jimmy: DOES THAT MEAN YOU

ARREST PEOPLE?

>> NO.

>> Jimmy: WHAT DO YOU DO

SPECIFICALLY?

>> I INVESTIGATE COMPLAINTS OF

DISCRIMINATION ON THE BASE OF

RACE, NATIONAL ORIGIN, COLOR,

SEX AND DISABILITY.

>> Jimmy: THAT'S GREAT.

SO THAT'S A GOOD THING THAT YOU

DO.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> THANK YOU.

>> Jimmy: WHO IS DOING THAT

WHILE THE GOVERNMENT IS SHUT

DOWN?

>> NOBODY.

>> Jimmy: SO PEOPLE ARE FREE TO

DISCRIMINATE AS THEY PLEASE.

>> THEY SHOULDN'T, BECAUSE WE

CAN GO AFTER THEM AFTERWARD.

>> Jimmy: YOU CAN GO AFTER THEM.

>> YEAH.

>> Jimmy: IN THE MEANTIME, THERE

ARE PEOPLE LOOKING FOR A PLACE

TO LIVE.

>> RIGHT.

WE COMBAT BASIS IN SEGREGATION

AND HOMELESSNESS.

>> Jimmy: WHICH IS A BIG PROBLEM

HERE IN LOS ANGELES.

AND WHAT ABOUT THIS PERSONALLY

HAS AFFECTED YOU AND YOUR

FAMILY?

>> MY FAMILY AND I SPENT EVERY

PENNY WE HAD IN SAVINGS TO

PURCHASE OUR FIRST HOME.

SO NOW WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO

PAY OUR MORTGAGE OR TO PAY FOR

OUR SON'S PRESCHOOL OR OUR

GROCERIES OR ELECTRICITY OR

PHONE BILLS OR CAR BILLS OR ALL

OF OUR BILLS.

SO.

>> Jimmy: THAT'S AWFUL.

>> IT'S AWFUL.

>> Jimmy: YOU HAVE NICE HAIR, SO

HERE'S WHAT WE WERE THINKING.

CAN I HAVE THE HAIRBRUSH?

NATHAN FILLION IS OUR GUEST

TONIGHT.

NATHAN FILLION HAS A BEAUTIFUL

HEAD OF HAIR.

IF YOU COULD BE SO KIND TO DO

HIS HAIR TONIGHT.

>> THAT WOULD BE SO EXCITING.

>> Jimmy: THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> Jimmy: HE'S LIKE A CANADIAN

NATIONAL TREASURE.

>> I AGREE.

>> Jimmy: OUR FEDERAL WORKER OF

THE NIGHT.

[ APPLAUSE ]

GUILLERMO, TAKE IT EASY OVER

THERE, WILL YOU?

MEANWHILE, SPEAKING OF HAIR,

REMEMBER BERNIE SANDERS?

I HAVE A FEELING WE'RE GOING TO

START SEEING A LOT OF BIRERNIE

AGAIN.

HE SPOKE AT A MLK EVENT AND HAD

POINTED WORDS FOR THE PRESIDENT.

>> TODAY WE TALK ABOUT JUSTICE,

AND TODAY WE TALK ABOUT RACISM.

AND I MUST TELL YOU, IT GIVES ME

NO PLEASURE TO TELL YOU THAT WE

NOW HAVE A PRESIDENT OF THE

UNITED STATES WHO IS A RACIST.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Jimmy: THAT'S THE ALMOST DEF

COMEDY JAM HE PERFORMS AT.

RUDY GIULIANI HAS BEEN BUSY.

HE'S BEEN WALKING HIS COMMENTS

ABOUT THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION

BACK AND FORTH.

HE GAVE A DOOZY OF AN INTERVIEW

TO "THE NEW YORKER."

HE WEIGHED IN ON THE REPORT FROM

BUZZ FEED SAYING THAT TRUMP

DIRECTED MICHAEL COHEN TO LIE TO

CONGRESS.

GIULIANI SAYS I CAN TELL FROM

THE MOMENT I READ THE STORY IT

WAS FALSE.

THE NEW YORKER SAYS BECAUSE?

BECAUSIVY BEEN THR

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THROUGH THE

TAPES, THE E-MAILS.

AND THEY PROBABLY WENT THEIR

OTHERS AND FOUND THE SAME THING.

AND THEY SAID WAIT, WHAT TAPES

HAVE YOU BEEN THROUGH?

AND RUDY SAID, I SHOULDN'T HAVE

SAID TAPES.

ARE WE SURE RUDY IS REALLY A

LAWYER?

I WANT TO SEE THAT DIPLOMA.

THE INTERVIEW WAS DONE AS RUDY

WAS ABOUT TO JUMP IN THE SHOWER.

AS NUTTY AS THAT SOUNDS, IMAGINE

HIM SAYING THOSE THINGS NUDE.

ARE YOU DOING IT?

MEANWHILE, THERE'S ANOTHER TRUMP

TELL-ALL BOOK ON THE WAY THAT

HAS SOME FUN STUFF ABOUT HIS

FORMER CHIEF OF STAFF JOHN

KELLY.

TURNS OUT, JOHN KELLY MAY HAVE

BEEN MORE MISERABLE THAN WE

THOUGHT HE WAS.

IT IS CALLED "TEAM OF VIPERS ",

IT IS WRITTEN BY A GUY WHO USED

TO WORK IN THE COMMUNICATIONS

OFFICE.

HE SAID WORKING FOR TRUMP WAS

THE WORST JOB HE'S EVER HAD.

IF HE GOT FIRED IT WOULD BE THE

BEST DAY HE EVER HAD IN THIS

PLACE.

AND FOR A GUY WHO SPENT TEN

CHRISTMASES IN BAGHDAD, THAT'S

SAYING SOMETHING.

I FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE KELLY

DIDN'T ENJOY HIS TIME, BECAUSE

HE LOOKED SO HAPPY TO BE THERE.

WE LOOKED THIS UP TODAY.

THERE ARE PHOTOS OF JOHN KELLY,

WE HAD THEM.

WE PUT THEM SIDE BY SIDE WITH

WHAT YOU GET IF YOU DO A SEARCH

FOR STOCK PHOTOS USING THE

KEYWORD "IMPOTENCE".

THERE'S PHOTO.

JOHN KELLY, IMPOTENCE.

JOHN KELLY, IMPOTENCE.

JOHN KELLY, IMPOTENCE.

AND JOHN KELLY AND IMPOTENCE.

ONE MORE, JOHN KELLY AND, JOHN

KELLY HAD NO IDEA THIS WHOLE

THING WAS NOTHING MORE THAN AN

AUDITION FOR A CIALIS

COMMERCIAL.

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE HAS A MEMOIR

COMING OUT?

CHRIS CHRISTIE, THE FORMER

GOVERNOR OF NEW JERSEY HAS A

MEMOIR OUT DUE A WEEK FROM

TODAY.

IT'S CALLED WHAT'S THE BOOK

GOING TO BE CALLED WHILE HE'S

EATING A SANDWICH, AND THE RAES

REST IS HISTORY.

HEY, NATHAN, HOW'S JAMIE DOING?

>> SO FAR SO GOOD.

THE BRUSH SMELLS LIKE FLOOR.

>> Jimmy: JAMIE, KEEP GOING.

IT LOOKS PROBABLY PERFECT JUST

LIKE THAT.

>> IT'S REALLY ON FLEET.