youtubers to respond with their own videos. But they've all run away.

However, German Total War Youtuber, Kalimo, made a video of him invading Britain. And

he's translated it into English, just for you. Enjoy!

TWO kliksphilip wanted to crush the Gaul only with peasants…

... and succeeded.

But even if a victory over France is commendable, he angered us, the Germans.

I couldn't let that sit on me. How could I take a sweet revenge?

Hmmmmm…

I decided to destroy the british. Since they had already weakened themselves with the Brexit

anyway I did not want to waste german lifes on them.

Instead I would rely on hordes of mercenaries who live in the woods and steppes...and smell

very bad.

But this goal would be much harder to achieve than I thought.

In Rome Total War mercenaries can only be recruited in small numbers in some regions

and cost a lot of money [GER coll.: coal]

Sure, you could ask RWE [German energy company] and they would cut down a forest.

But in the year 270 B.C. you had to build roads and markets to ensure a stable income.

In addition the local mercenaries were quickly harvested so the family was forced to march

all over the area.

Arminius the old and very much valued but beardless leader marched west.

His son Arigo---Arioga---Ariogaisus who had more beard marched southward

And ol' Hermann with his remarkable moustache and nice blue face color headed to the eastern

regions.

All of them with one goal.

Recruit bloodthirsty warriors who should help to get respect from the snobbish Brits.

But first a flashing, probably very wise woman annoyed them without saying a word.

Until she disappeared mysteriously.

Until she disappeared mysteriously. [Adviser: Off]

As if she were a messenger a disaster came over us. The honorable Arminius died before

he had seen the british border

Some would blame his age or the strain of his mission. Though it was obvious that he

displeased the gods.

It was a shamefull misdeed not to wear facial hair. So he was killed by nothing less than

the wrath of the gods.

Immediately the furious red haired Rolf, an experienced "Doppelkopf" player, took over

the march. While Hermann and Arigo---Arioga---Ariogaisus

moved further on their paths.

To save money I disbanded the brave german soilders and allowed them some quiet remaining

years with their families and friends

with whom they sat happily in their gardens and grilled some wild boars.

It was a good and easy life for all native germans. And it became even better after an

alliance with Gaul (France) was announced.

However, the first armies dressed in blue approached and Rolf wanted to oppose them.

But he lacked some men.

In the East the recruitment of those men under the command of Hermann looked good.While Arigo—

-Ario---A—

Screw it, let's call him "Peter".

While Peter went to Italy where nobody wanted to support the great plan.

The distance from the east was long and problematic because of that.

Would the troops get to western Germania in time and before the british would raid and

burn erverything?

Rolf couldn't wait any longer and so the first battle of Trier took place.

Omens were good. Rolf was supported by Roland.

But how much you rely on hasty recruited warriors? Would they defend Germania with their lives...

...or drop their weapons at the first opportunity and flee to the next best sponsor?

Instead of wearing red clothes like the german soldiers the mercenaries dressed themselves

in fancy green.

Which also inspired the framerate!

The green horsemen were able to confuse the light enemy units and shortly after the foot

soldiers arrived the enemy general died.

After that the Brits pulled back like they did with their EU-membership

Rolf and his men pursued them to butche...to play cards with them!

Rolf gained his first great victory over the blue jacks.

The word of this victory spreaded and Rolf got a visit by the twin of his armorsmith

who coincidentaly was a mercenary captain

So Rolf took him into his retinue.

Well aware that he would mix the two from now on but also benefit from their abilities.

In summer 266 B.C. an old acquaintance appeared again. She was nearly forgotten but as soon

as you remembered her you knew exactly who she was.

This time she came in a different shape. She also had a name.

The mysterious flashing woman became: Ashley

Who was this woman?

Why did she travel the far way from Canada to Germany?

Did she want to warn Rolf and his brothers? Why?

But Ashley remained silent. And as fast as she came, she disappeared again.

For whatever reason. [User is blocked]

It was no problem she distracted only from the important things.

Trier was again targeted by the ‚bluetrousers' and this time Rolf saw himself confronted

with an army nearly thousand men larger than his. In addition he wasn't supported any

longer by Roland but by Civilis.

However, the greater the enemy the greater was Rolfs motivation to destro...to invite

them to a game of cards.

In the same hilly ground where Rolf already won big, a splitted army awaited him.

Like a clever commander, who he of course was, Rolf crushed the little one first and

then headed towards the bigger one.

Which had dangerous chariots in it. But Rolf was not afraid. Sometimes he was afraid of

his sister in law which got even more facial hair than Rolf himself.

But that doesn't matter.

It didn't take long until these pigs ran away and their chariots went to the junkyard.

One thing however surprised Rolf.

As he followed the fleeing cowards it felt like something supernatural held him back.

Like the wargod wanted to say to him that he should show mercy and let some of them

alive so that they could report their countrymen how cruel Rolf fought.

And how he alway had an ace up his sleeve during a card game.

So he stayed still.

Which nevertheless blessed him his second great victory!

Soon after that, Peter came back from his trip to Italy with only one unit of mercenaries

and some olives in his baggage.

He came to Rolf and took over the command because HE was the leader.

Rolf wasn't excited but he swallowed his grief because there were more important things

to deal with.

Behind my back Britannia and Gaul forged an alliance and because of that the French broke

their alliance with us.

Slowly I realise why you could hate them.

Now Peter was allowed to fight his first battle with Rolf at his side and thousands of men

under his banner. Which gained an easy victory.

And a second one shortly after.

Peter an Rolf were able to march towards the first british settlement on the continent

to besiege it. But the blues did not liked that idea. First

of all the very blue Belenus who was not only called that because of his face collor. [Drinker]

Even though his Men wore no tops in Winter and tinkled with their shield

They were overrun.

Samarobriva was ours!

At this time Hermann came back from the eastern regions to the western front.

Jung Siegfried took over his job. With blond hair and blue eyes he was the perfect candidate

for the east ;)

Ambistious as he was he recruited his first Horsemen at the age of 19. As early as nobody

ever before. His whole life was still in front of him and

he never saw a battle.

Different to Peter and Rolf who, after the siege of a frensh settlement, had to deal

with its angry leader and his remarkable bigger army.

Peter and Rolf won but the casualties were high. Rolf lost some of the best soldiers

of his bodyguard and the other troops were also heavily damaged.

Almost at the same time but far more to the east Jung Siegfrie was attacked and immediately

proofed himself as a worthy warrior.

That's why Dacia made an offer you could not refuse.

[Their offer: Accept or we will attack. Their offer: please don't attack]

Hermanns son also wanted some fame by the conquest of Bordesholm but he died during

the first charge.

Hermann couldn't deal with this loss and throw himself into a confusing forest battle

and met his maker aswell.

May they rest in peace.

Ships were built to finally reach the other side of the channel and instead of going for

Londinium Peter and Rolf went further into the back country.

And conquered it with ease because the local general went for a ride. Only the gates resisted

against the brave mercenaries.

What strange people are these Brits?

While the penultimate city was besieged some reinforcements wanted to cross the channel.

But were ambushed by a pirate fleet. A quick game of tennis later, our German ships were

torn to shreds and the mercenary reinforcements, drowned.

Was this the disaster Ashley wanted to warn us about?

Without the reinforcements P and R had to fight for Deva with their remaining soldiers

and won it after penalty shoot-out.

The path was clear and Londinium a stone's throw away.

And after a few months the day had come.

Again the purchased men dressed in green dominated. Again only the gates resisted.

And shortly before the battle was won, one man wanted to earn his fame.

Rolf himself went into battle to make the last british dog cr...to invite him to play

cards.

He fought like a berserker.

And fullfilled his mission.

Britain was defeated. Only with some purchasable soldiers and the will of the only true hero.

Rolf succeeded. He, unlike Hermann, had survived.

Should he retire now?

No….

Rolf…

Wanted more...

Thanks again to Kalimo for taking the time to translate this video! Check out his channel

here for more Total War content.

Rolf's journey isn't over just yet ;)