get 35 million dollars or I convince one

我準備3500萬或者我說服

of these people to send me there.

以上其中一些人送我上太空

To travel to Mars you'd need to stay in a

在前往火星的過程中你必須待在

spaceship for six to eight months.

太空船裡六至八個月

I haven't event stayed in relationships that long.

我的感情生活甚至沒有維繫這麼長

I could lock myself up in a bunker for six to eight months to

我可以嘗試把自己關在一座碉堡裡六到八個月

prove that I mentally stable,

來證明自己精神上不會有問題

but I'm worried that it would just prove the opposite.

但我擔心我只會呈現出相反的結果

So I'm going to do 48 hours in my bathroom.

所以接下來我要待在浴室48小時

I'm feeling that two days is a good, like

我想兩天還可以，像是

she's dedicated, but not like

她已經盡力了，但又不會

batshit crazy kind of thing.

像很太瘋狂的行為

Mom, dad, I'm fine, you don't have to worry about me.

爸，媽 我沒事，不用擔心我

You ready for the celebrity bathroom?

準備好參觀這"豪華"的浴室了嗎?

This is where I brush my teeth.

這是我刷牙的地方

If we step over here, this is where I shower,

走過來是我淋浴的地方

and if you follow me all the way over here

接下來一路到這裡

this is where the magic happens;

這邊就是奇蹟發生的地方

the defecation station.

排泄站

But for now, this is not just the bathroom,

但現在這不只是一間浴室

it's also a sham space shuttle.

而是一艘假冒的太空船

I don't even know what that would be.

我甚至不知道那會是什麼

So practical.

好逼真喔

Now if I just do like, a little...

如果現在我做...

and I'm right by the sink

我就會在洗手槽旁邊了

ready to brush my teeth.

可以準備刷牙了

So yeah, I guess this is it.

所以我想是時候了

I'm just gonna put my computer and my phone up here,

我會把我的電腦和手機放在這上面

and, uh, yeah, Adam and Scott, I'll see you in 48 hours.

亞當、史考特 我們48小時候見

Bye

掰~

I'll just slide the key under the door.

我會把鑰匙塞在門的下面

I guess this is it now.

我想這就是了

I'm all alone in this bathroom and I'm going to be here a really long time.

我將會孤單的在這浴室待上很長一段時間

Ooh, it actually has the cookie around it!

哇~~這裡面真的有餅乾耶!

Oh my Go-

天啊

This thing is dry.

這好乾喔...

It tastes like something that has

這吃起來像是

"Do not eat" written over it.

有''請勿食用''的標籤在包裝上的東西

Once, I actually ate those like little silica gel balls.

我曾經吃過那種一粒粒乾燥劑

I got this, like, Japanese cupcake

然後我有日式杯子蛋糕

and I thought it was like a little spice

我以為那是辣粉

that you could like put on top of it

可以撒在上面的那種

Not my brightest moment.

我的一段黑歷史

I only brought freeze-dried food in here

我只帶了冷凍乾燥處理的食物

so I have this like veggie burrito bowl,

所以我這裡有蔬食墨西哥捲餅

Leonardo da Fettuccine,

(生產乾燥食品公司的其中一項產品)

some dehydrated potato dices.

切成塊狀的乾燥馬鈴薯

This was $29!

這29塊啊!

It's basically just potato chips.

這基本上就只是洋芋片

I mean, I bought it, I'm the one to blame.

但是這是我買的...我能怪誰呢

Last minute, I chose to bring a kettle,

到最後一刻，我決定帶著熱水壺

'cause I realised that all the freeze-dried food

因為我意識到所有的乾燥食品

needs to be prepared with hot water.

都需要熱水

I don't wanna eat cold food.

我不想吃冰冷的食物

I mean astronauts wouldn't eat cold food either.

就算是太空人也不用吃冰的食物

They'd be able to heat it up

他們可以加熱

And also they have friends to hang out with them

而且還有朋友可以一起打發時間

I mean you would know, this is the first time you've seen me eat.

我想你們應該知道，這是你們第一次看到我吃東西

Maybe this is just my eating face.

或許這就是我吃東西的樣子

I'm not exaggerating, this is actually nasty.

我一點都不誇裝，這真的很噁

You nasty food!

你這噁心的食物

Why are you so nasty?

你為麼這麼噁啊?

It's like somebody ate a burrito bowl,

這吃起來像是有人吃了墨西哥捲餅

threw it right back up, freeze-dried it,

把它吐出來再冷凍乾燥

and sold it to me.

然後賣給我

End of day one, and yeah, it's actually been pretty alright.

第一天結束了，感覺還可以

Now I just have time to do things I usually don't have time to;

現在我有時間可以做我平常沒時間做的事

like I did an hour of yoga,

像是我做了一小時的瑜珈

I shaved my legs.

刮腿毛

So now I'm just gonna read some books.

現在我要來看點書

These were actually the only book I had in my house.

事實上我整間房子裡只有這些書

Reason being that I'm considering writing a kids' book

有鑑於我之前考慮寫童書

and I have these for research, so...

所以我買了這些來研究

Work is hard when you have to read Dragons Love Tacos.

當你要讀''龍愛薄餅''工作會變得很難

What's that sound?

那什麼聲音啊?

Oh, it's just my Roomba.

喔,那只是我的倫巴(掃地機器人)

Good night, Roomba!

晚安倫巴

I hope you're having a good time, out there in the wild.

希望你們在''外面的世界''過的愉快

I'm gonna sleep right next to my toilet.

我要睡在馬桶旁邊了

Okay, goodnight.

好啦~晚安

Dragons Love Tacos is the best book I've ever read.

"龍愛捲餅"是我看過最好看的書了

I had to read it three times before I stopped laughing.

我看了三遍才覺得沒那麼好笑了

Classic!

經典之作!

Who needs coffee when you could eat tampons with strawberry flavor?

當你都有草莓口味的衛生棉條誰還需要咖啡啊(笑

It's not like I've always wondered what it's like

並不是說我一直很好奇

to sleep next to a toilet, but now I know.

睡在馬桶旁邊的感覺，但現在我知道

It's a little bit like a bad hangover,

感覺起來就像是很痛苦的宿醉

I woke up in yesterday's clothes

我醒來的時候還穿著昨天的衣服

and next to this.

和躺在這個旁邊

Can't recommend it.

我一點都不推薦

And I feel like I haven't realized before,

再說我之前好像沒搞清楚

how many hours the day has.

一天到底有多漫長

It's at least 12 hours until I can get back to bed.

至少還有十二小時我才能再躺回床上

And I'm not really sure what to do with myself.

而且我不知道我要做什麼

I should like learn a new skill or something.

我應該來學點才藝之類的

Oh, I know, I've always wanted to learn how to like taxi whistle.

喔!我知道了!我一直想學招呼計程車的那種口哨

[not whistling]

(完全沒聲音XD)

[not whistling]

00:04:42,620 --> 00:04:43,460

[cough]

00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:46,540 我真希望我現在可以上YouTube學

I really wish I could YouTube this right now,

但是不行啊!我一定要自己想辦法

but no, one has to figure it out by him or herself,

不然就不算了

otherwise it doesn't count.

00:04:54,180 --> 00:04:56,420 不是這樣

[not whistling]

額~好多口水

[laugh] That's not it.

其他人是怎麼辦到的而且口水不會噴的到處都是

Ew, so much saliva.

我還是沒找出方法

How do people do this and not drool all over themselves?

00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:13,980

I have yet to find out.

00:05:14,420 --> 00:05:15,780

[not whistling]

00:05:15,780 --> 00:05:16,500 哈哈哈

[not whistling]

00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:18,200 我成功了!!

[cough]

感謝Google的幫助和科學團隊

[laugh]

讓這件事達成

[screech]

午餐時間~

I got it.

我學口哨的進度非常有限

Thanks, Google's Making and Science Team

00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:34,060 但我倒是用奇異筆在我的窗簾畫出銀河

for making this progress possible.

我真希望我現在可以動手做點什麼

Lunch time.

我現在超級想要一盒樂高

Making very limited progress on my taxi whistling.

不過我滿好奇這裡有什麼

[slight whistle]

不覺得這很像侏儸紀公園嗎?

But I did draw a galaxy on my curtain with a sharpie, so...

我從來沒有畫過鬍子

I just wish I had something to build.

但我覺得我畫的不錯ㄟ

Like I could kill for Lego kit right now.

我應該走這行的

Actually I wonder what we have in here.

00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:03,360 我出生時應該要是個男孩

Isn't this very Jurassic Park?

我真心覺得我應該要有個伴

I have never had to draw on a mustache,

我需要個朋友

but I feel like I'm doing a damn fine job at it.

看我找到什麼

I'm in the wrong business.

但你看起來太開心了...

[laugh]

真他媽的開心

I should have been born a man.

我在這裡一點都不快樂，因為這浴室太廢了

I feel like I really need some company, like

我得要給你一張新面孔

I need a friend.

如果我在浴室外我也會這麼做嗎?

Look what I found!

當然囉!!

You're way too happy to be in here though.

我要幫你雕塑顆頭

Fucking happy!

這一團泥的結構完整性可能不是最好的，但....

We're not happy in this bathroom, because this bathroom sucks.

完美!

I'm gonna have to give you a new face.

你需要一點毛來保護你自己

Is this something that outside-bathroom Simone would do too?

因為外面的世界很可怕

Yes! Totally.

外面可不像這裡啊

I'm going to sculpt you a new head.

(法文) 你說什麼

Structural integrity of this mush is maybe not the best, but...

你沒有嘴巴

Beautiful!

(法文) 你說對了，太完美了

You need some quills to protect yourself,

我的眼鏡好看嗎?

because it's a rough world out there.

鮮為人知的是我除了只是個垃圾機器的發明家之外

Outside world is not like bathroom world.

還是個創造垃圾生物的創作者

[in French] Did you say something?

豪豬鴨:豪豬與小鴨的綜合體

You don't have a mouth.

他的名字是卡爾

Et voila, c'est magnifique!

你對網球的想法是什麼?卡爾

How do you like my glasses?

好一段談話啊...明天見

It's a little-known fact that I'm not only an inventor of shitty machines,

我要去睡了

I'm also an inventor of shitty species.

明天學校見

Duckupine: combination between porcupine and duck.

西蒙太空....我甚至記不住我自己學校的名字

His name is Carl.

西蒙太空人培育學校

What's your take on tennis, Carl?

西蒙太空人...學校..太空..

Great conversation. See you tomorrow.

好了夠了...

I'm going to bed!

他看起來很痛苦

I'll see you next day of school,

但他好像滿享受的

Simone's Space Astronaut, I can't even remember the name of my own school.

卡爾你真是個怪胎

Simone School Space Astronaut

我越來越習慣了

Simone's Astronaut Space of School of Space

我的意思是我沒有很愉快，但我活下來了

That's it, that's it.

今天亞當和史考特要來放我出去了

I think he looks like he's in pain,

我超high的~~

but he's kind of enjoying the pain, if you know what I mean?

那台倫巴是不是無時無刻都在吸地板

Carl, you're a freak.

嗨!倫巴

I'm actually getting pretty used to this.

嘿!不不不不!!!那是鑰匙!

I mean I'm not thriving, but I'm surviving.

不不!不要~倫巴!不~~

And today Adam and Scott are coming to let me out!

喔不~

I'm pumped.

不要!不要動鑰匙

Is that Roomba ever not vacuuming?

不~~~

Hey, little Roomba!

那真的發生了嗎?!...

Hey, no, no. No, that's the key.

什麼鬼啊....

No, no, no, no! No, Roomba, no!

亞當是你嗎?

No, don't!

倫巴吸走我的鑰匙了!!

No, no, no, no, not the key!

算了我直接爬窗戶出去好了

No!

我只想離開這他媽的浴室

Did that seriously just happen?

我知道這看起來像什麼，我正逃出我自己的浴室

What the fuck?

但我還是有在裡面待48小時

Adam is that you?

我感覺還可以而且沒瘋掉

The Roomba just sucked up the key!

同時，我完成了西蒙太空學校三分之二的課程

No, I'll just climb out of the window.

下一集

I just want to get out of this fucking bathroom.

該死的重力

I know what this looks like; I am escaping out of my own bathroom window.

But I did stay in there for 48 hours

and I'm feeling okay, I didn't go crazy.

Also I'm two-thirds down in Simone Giertz's Astronaut School of Space.

Next episode,

goddamn gravity.