The work of two University of Denver psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver, the questionnaire

這個成果來自兩位丹佛大學的教授 Cindy‧Hazan 與 Phillip‧Shaver，

asked readers to identify which of three statements most closely reflected who they were in love.

問卷中要求受訪者在三個敘述中選出最能反映處於戀愛狀態的陳述。

To hugely improve our chances of thriving in relationships,

為了大幅提高我們發展關係的機會，

we should dare to take the same test:

我們應該勇敢地試試這個測驗：

A: I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don't worry about being

A：我發覺親近他人相對來說比較容易，而且可以自在的依賴他人以及讓他人依賴。我不擔心

abandoned or about someone getting too close to me. B: I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like.

被拋棄或與某人太過親近。B：我覺得只有我單方面想要親近對方。

I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me.

我常擔心我的另一半並不是真的愛我，或是不想跟我在一起。

I want to get very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares people away.

我想要跟伴侶有很親密的關係，但有時候這會把人嚇跑。

C: I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely,

C：我有點不喜歡和別人太親近；我覺得很難完全信任他們，

difficult to allow myself to depend on them.

很難讓我自己依賴他們。

I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, others want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.

當有人跟我太親近，我會很緊張，而且其他人經常想要我能與人更親近，但那樣的親密程度會令我感到不自在。

Behind the scenes, the options refer to the three main styles of relating to others,

在這些選項背後代表的是三種與他人相處的類型，

first identified by the English psychologist John Bowlby, the inventor of Attachment Theory in the 1950s and 60s.

最早辨別出這些類型的是一位英國心理學家 John‧Bowlby，他在西元 1950 到 1960 年代時提出依附理論

Option A signals what is known as a secure pattern of attachment,

選項 A 代表安全型依附，

whereby love and trust come easily. Option B refers what is known as the anxious pattern of attachment, where one

因此很容易信任、愛上他人。選項 B 代表焦慮型依附，

longs to be intimate with others but is continuously scared of letdown

意思是一個人渴望與他人變的親密，但持續地害怕令人失望

and often precipitates crises in relationships through counter-productively aggressive behaviour. Option C is what known as

並經常做出適得其反地侵略行為使關係陷入危機。選項 C 代表

the avoidant pattern of attachment, where it feels much easier to avoid the dangers of intimacy through solitary activities and emotional withdrawal.

迴避型依附，此類型覺得用獨自生活與隱藏情緒的方式來迴避危險要簡單得多。

Questionnaires in newspapers are rarely of much use but Hazan's and Shaver's is the momentous exception.

報紙上的問卷調查很少是有用的，但 Hazan 跟 Shaver 的問卷調查是很重要的例外

If there is one thing we should do to improve our relationships, it is to know which of the three categories we predominantly belong to – A, B, or C –

如果我們應該做一件事來改善關係，就是要知道我們主要屬於三個類型中的哪一個 — A、B 或 C —

and to deploy the knowledge in love so as to warn ourselves and others of the traps we might fall into.

並在愛情中配置這個知識，以警告我們自己與其他人可能會落入怎樣的陷阱。

We then need a little training because half of us at least are not secure in love; we belong in the camps of either the avoidant

然後我們需要一些訓練，因為大多數的我們對愛沒有安全感；我們屬於逃避型依附

or the anxious, and we have – to complicate matters – an above average propensity to

或焦慮型依附的一方，而且為了讓事情更複雜，我們多半傾向

fall in love with someone from the other damaged side, thereby aggravating our insecurities

愛上有另一種瑕疵的一方，因此在過程中我們的不安全感

and defences in the process. Here is a brief list of what avoidants and anxious types should keep in mind in their relationships:

與防衛加劇。有份簡要的列表說明迴避型與焦慮型在他們的關係中應該要注意哪些事：

IF YOU ARE AN AVOIDANT WITH SOMEONE ANXIOUSLY ATTACHED. Well, recognise the extent to which you check out

如果你是迴避型，而對方是焦慮型。在局面緊張時，要認知到自己的情緒達到了甚麼程度

emotionally when things are intense, particularly when there is an offer of closeness.

特別是在有親密舉動時。

Recognise how you will tend to prefer sex and closeness with strangers and how nervous you will be around cuddles and kissing.

認清你傾向怎麼與陌生人發生親密行為，以及你在擁抱與親吻時會有多緊張。

You probably don't want to keep the light on either. Watch how you sabotage long-term intimacy.

你可能不希望開著燈。看清自己如何破壞一段長期的親密關係。

Have compassion that you are afraid of what you really want.

同情自己「對自己真正想要的東西感到畏懼」的心情。

Think back to how in your past, closeness would have been frightening because people let you

回想你過去的親密關係是如何的令你恐懼，因為人們會讓你失望、

down, and observe how you adopted a strategy of removal to protect yourself. You are hurt,

並觀察你如何採取排除策略來保護自己。你受傷了，

not bad. Remind yourself that the present is different from the past and that you are

而非惡劣。提醒你自己此刻與過往已然不同，

ruining the present by bringing to it fear-laden dynamics that don't actually belong there.

而你帶入不應該存在於此的、充滿恐懼的過往，破壞了目前的一切。

It may feel like your partner is being aggressive and ill-tempered with you for no reason;

這或許感覺像是你的伴侶情緒暴躁，且沒來由的對你發脾氣；

they are at heart upset and unable to express their needs in any other way. They want you;

他們心裡很不安並且無法以其他方式表達他們的需求。他們需要你；

and that is why they are behaving as they are. Look beneath their nagging and their accusations

那也是為什麼他們會有如此作為。我們應該留意並相信隱藏在他們的嘮叨與指責

and believe in their underlying goodwill. When they attack you, see their longing for love.

背後的善意。當他們抨擊你，要看到他們對愛的渴望。

Do that very frightening thing: extend reassurance. And explain, calmly, the appeal of the cave.

去做那件令人害怕的事：讓他安心。並且冷靜地解釋為什麼會不自覺地迴避

IF YOU ARE AN ANXIOUS PERSON WITH AN AVOIDANT PARTNER. Here are some other things to bear in mind.

如果你是個焦慮型的人，與迴避型的伴侶在一起。有些事需要牢記在心。

Things are not necessarily as bad as they seem. The other person's quiet might just be quiet, not a lack of love.

事情不一定像表面看到的那樣糟糕。另一個人的安靜可能就只是沉默寡言，並非缺少愛。

Their distance isn't necessarily meanness, it might be their way of maintaining equilibrium. On the other hand, you are not demented or 'needy'

他們的距離感不一定是惡意，或許這是他們保持均衡的方法。另一方面，你不是發狂似的或「貧困的」

to want more; but your way of dealing with what you legitimately need is aggravating things hugely.

想要更多；但你處理正當需求的方法讓局面大大地惡化了。

You are be triggering your partner by asking for intimacy too directly and also

你太過直接地向你的伴侶要求親密關係而觸動了他，

(probably) with too much anger. Realise that you need to tread lightly, and to be a little

同時也 (有可能) 帶有太多怒意。要明白你需要小心翼翼地，並在要求親密感時

distant in requesting closeness. The partner isn't mean or freakish; merely damaged – as are you.

保持一點距離。你的伴侶並非惡劣或怪異地；只不過是受了傷 — 就跟你一樣。

And that's very normal. A full 40% of the population are in your positions.

那是非常正常的。世上 40% 的人口都跟你有相同處境。

Knowing whether we can be classed as secure, avoidant or anxious in love should be a basic fact we grasp about ourselves.

了解我們在愛情中是被分類為安全型、迴避型或焦慮型依附類型中，應該是我們對自己的基本了解。

The next step is to accept with grace that if we are either

下一步是有風度地接受，如果我們是

avoidant or anxious, we will need considerable emotional schooling to get out of scratchy

迴避型或焦慮型，我們會需要相當的情緒教育才能擺脫充滿稜角的個性

patterns and stand a chance of building up a good enough relationship.

並有機會建立夠好的關係。

Our Relationships Book calmly guides us with calm and charm through the key issues of relationships.

我們的人際關係書籍用平靜又迷人的字句指導我們人際關係中的重要議題。

To ensure that success in love need not be a matter of good luck. For more click the link now.

確保愛情的成功不一定跟好運有關。現在點擊連結以了解更多。