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  • ♪♪

  • ♪♪

  • ♪♪

  • This thing always reminds me of a duck.

  • [as Donald Duck] Time to open my vagina!

  • -Quack, quack, quack. -Put that down.

  • ♪♪

  • [normal voice] Sorry.

  • [clears throat]

  • Is Dr. Olson gonna be long?

  • Oh, she's out today.

  • Dr. Bennett will be covering.

  • -Okay. -He's great.

  • That -- He's...

  • He's a guy?

  • Yes.

  • Is he like -- is he, like, really old and doctory?

  • Because I didn't -- I didn't -- I didn't wax my...

  • [door opens, closes]

  • Dr. Bennett: Hello. I'm Dr. Bennett.

  • Just came here

  • And I don't want you to leave

  • ♪ I'll stay here

  • And get it started with me

  • Can't blame ya

  • We bump into ya, baby

  • All right, let's see what we got here.

  • Oh, look at that. Happy birthday.

  • Well, how do you know that?

  • You -- You counting the rings down there? [chuckles]

  • No, I have your, uh...

  • Oh, right. Stupid -- my chart.

  • [both chuckle]

  • -All right. -[clears throat]

  • Well, I was gonna go over a few things here,

  • and...then we'll set you free.

  • -You can go celebrate. -Great. Thanks.

  • Uh...

  • So, it says here it's been a little over two years

  • since your last Pap smear. Is that correct?

  • Yeah, yeah. I haven't had any sexual partners, so, no.

  • Oh, okay.

  • No sexual partner.

  • Well, you don't -- you don't have to write down,

  • "No sexual partners." I've had sex before.

  • -Ah. -Like, a lot.

  • Well, not a lot. I'm not a slut.

  • No, I wasn't thinking that you --

  • You know, 'cause, the last -- the last two years,

  • I've had, like, no sex at all.

  • So, I mean -- Has it really been two years?

  • We don't need to talk about it anymore.

  • -I have all the information. -You know what?

  • I think it's probably fine down there.

  • We can just come back when I'm having sex again.

  • No, no, it's okay. Honestly, I mean,

  • you know, you're here, you might as well...

  • get it done, right?

  • Especially since there'll be no STD testing

  • or family-planning concerns, I assume.

  • No, no, that's -- that's not -- way in the future.

  • Not even thinking about that yet.

  • Okay. Well, I should let you know

  • that, um, if you are ever thinking

  • about having kids someday,

  • the decline in fertility accelerates rapidly after 35.

  • -Rapidly? -Mm-hmm.

  • Just -- Just something to, you know, think about.

  • Uh-huh.

  • Okay.

  • [sighing] All right.

  • [glove snaps]

  • Okay.

  • So, I'll just, um... We need to...

  • And if you could just, uh,

  • scoot towards me a little bit, please.

  • [sighs]

  • [chuckles]

  • La-- Closer.

  • Okay. [clears throat]

  • A little closer.

  • You just want to get to the very edge.

  • Any closer and I'll be your beard, okay?

  • You know what? This is fine. I can do it from here.

  • -Okay. -Speculum, please.

  • Thank you. Okay.

  • -[sighs] -Okay, I just need a...

  • Take a deep breath, try to relax.

  • [sighs]

  • -All right. -[click]

  • Gonna hear some clicks.

  • [clicking]

  • Uh, cytobrush, please.

  • [gasps]

  • -It's in the other room. -[door opens]

  • I'll be right back.

  • [door closes]

  • Um...

  • She'll be right back.

  • -[chuckling] Right. -[chuckles]

  • It's okay.

  • [clears throat]

  • [sighs] We'll just wait.

  • Yeah.

  • [sighs]

  • I guess we...

  • Oh.

  • [chuckles]

  • [footsteps in distance]

  • [sighs]

  • You have any plans for your big day?

  • I mean, besides coming to the gynecologist?

  • [both laugh]

  • -No, no, just working. -Gotcha.

  • This is the only action I'm getting today.

  • [laughs]

  • Oh, no, I didn't mean like -- I didn't mean it like that.

  • I didn't mean this was action. You know?

  • I would have at least waxed, [chuckles]

  • which I normally do, by the way.

  • You just -- You're catching me right before I go in.

  • I actually have an appointment today, right after this.

  • Today is my day of appointments.

  • Probably should have done that one first, though, right?

  • No, no, it's fine.

  • I mean, it's not that bad at all.

  • I mean, it's not bad.

  • I mean, I'm not good -- Just fine.

  • You have to grow your hair out when you wax, okay?

  • That's how it works,

  • So that's why mine looks like that right now.

  • It doesn't normally look like that.

  • Just right before I wax, which I'm doing today.

  • I mean, not bald. Gonna leave a little hair.

  • -I'm not seven. -Right.

  • I always think it's strange when guys are into girls

  • like that, you know. You need something, right?

  • Like a landing strip or something, right?

  • Ah, the cytobrush! Awesome.

  • Thank you.

  • Okay. Just relax.

  • [sighs]

  • There we go. Breathe through it.

  • Olivia: Nobody wants to think about getting older,

  • but the reality is, we all do.

  • I mean, trust me, I know from personal experience

  • what happens if you don't plan ahead.

  • Like, my dad had a heart attack during a golf lesson

  • and left my mom with nothing

  • but a mortgage and 12 more golf lessons.

  • Definitely was not the future that she planned.

  • Let us help you set your family up with life insurance

  • and protect your family today.

  • Great, I'll transfer you to Danny for an appointment.

  • Okay.

  • Aww, you brought me a cake.

  • Jayne: Yeah.

  • With a fuck-ton of candles!

  • Mmm.

  • ♪♪

  • Happy birthday.

  • Does mom know you're using her story to sell insurance?

  • Whatever. Mom's living in my guest room,

  • -it's my story now, too. -Mmm.

  • Danny, can you pick up line two

  • to schedule an appointment for Mrs. Reeves?

  • Will do.

  • Hey, baby

  • Come on in, I've been waiting for ya

  • God damn it, Danny, I told you to use the intercom.

  • Right, sorry -- more profesh.

  • -Hey, Jayne. -Hey.

  • -So sporty. -Thank you.

  • -Is it your birthday? -Line two.

  • Oh, right.

  • Birthday on a Friday night. Do you want to go out?

  • -Please say yes. -No, I can't.

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