Tell me what it was like when you were sat there at five o'clock when the embargo was up. What was it like?

So we--Hold the phone Cody Balrog-off-of-Street Fighter looking motherfucker

Yeah

You got some 10s from a bunch of pussy ass sellout reviewers nobody gives a fuck about

But now it's time for a real guy to play the game

You know, somebody that was strategically selected to not receive the game early

Because I actually criticize games from time to time

So are these fucking limp dick critics that don't know shit about video games just being stupid again?

No, it's actually really good

God of War four--wait, there was a God of War?

God of War is the first game in the God of War series

You play as the bereaved Kratos who was a grumpy old guy

that has to take his peppy son up a great big mountain

Now, I know what you're thinking.

"Hey, this is just ripping off The Last of Us"

But no, it's actually ripping off Up and Kikujiro and Hunt for the Wilderpeople

It's a tried and tested dynamic, and it works here to great effect

Kratos is more vulnerable than ever before because he actually has something to lose

And his son, Boy, is constantly seeking his approval

After a very understated opening where you fight a gigantic troll monster

You're launched into one of the most insane boss fights I've ever witnessed

As always, God of War is a ridiculous over-the-top thrill ride with unmatchable scale

and a thunderous, menacing orchestral score drowning out sounds of the carnage on screen

But where older titles would fill those gaps between set pieces with mindless puzzles and brawling

this new installment tells a gripping story

We find Kratos living as a mortal in the land of Midgard, which is enveloped in this ethereal fog

and adorned by sunken monuments to the gods

As you play you discover these shrines depicting the history and future of this forsaken place

as its scope gradually expands

Even though he's older and wiser, Kratos is still that same boneheaded fucking doofus as usual

Throughout their journey, he routinely scolds his son for being such a rambunctious jackass

He's trying to teach him discipline and restraint, but I mean it's Kratos we're talking here

It's this contradiction that makes the game so interesting and hilarious

Many of my favorite moments in the game are just them sitting in a boat

with Kratos reducing all these classic fables into the most lifeless literal interpretations possible

But enough about this stupid shit that doesn't even matter at all

Let's talk about the combat

It is brutal

There is such a satisfying weight behind your moves in this game

You can split a dude in half with your charge-up attack

Throw your ax into a guy, freeze them and kick them into a wall and shatter them to 100 pieces

When you hit triangle your weapon will fly back into your hand like Thor's hammer

You have these crazy-ass special attacks

You can turn your rage mode on and knock dudes around like little bowling pins

Dodging and rolling is a central part of the experience

You have this little indicator that clues you in to when your enemy will strike

And you have the option of doing a quick evade, which is harder to time, but allows you to retaliate faster

Or a big roll, which is safer, but less agressive

Now I know what you're thinking, this game is just ripping off of Dark Souls

Correct.

There is a lack of variety among the sub bosses and a couple obnoxious elements that bog the game's pacing down

Such as weak side missions, an annoying fast travel system, and tacked on RPG stuff

But in the face of what the game gets right these are minor issues

God of War is a masterful balancing act

It plunges you into its desolate treacherous realms of Norse mythology

and is punctuated by raw, satisfying combat

There are powerful quiet moments sandwiched between jaw-dropping spectacle

And it ends on such a cool moment where you can't wait to see what happens next

Four out of five: finally the PS4 receives its Knack killer

Knack one that is, not Knack 2. Come on, let's--let's not be animals here