confusing because it's, you know, off the pill and babies.

因為、你懂的，不吃藥和嬰兒

Well, it has nothing to do with actually being off, like, a pregnancy pill. This is a really unfortunate coincidence. Off

其實標題不是在講不吃避孕藥，完全沒有關係 這只是個美麗的巧合

the Pill is a series of rants that I used to do, like, a long time ago.

「不吃藥」是我很久以前推出的一個胡言亂語系列

Some of you guys might remember, but I know that there's a lot of you who are a little newer and

你們有些人可能還記得它，但我想有很多比較新的觀眾

probably don't know what this is because I haven't done this in, like, I don't know, over five years.

可能不知道這個系列，因為我大概...我不知道 也許超過五年都沒拍這個系列了吧

So basically for those that don't know, the Off the Pill name came from the idea that those were the days that I didn't take

跟不知道這個系列的人介紹一下，基本上「不吃藥」這個系列指的是

my ADHD medication, and basically I would just rant about any random thing that came to my mind.

我沒吃過動症用藥的時候 通常這種狀態下，我想到什麼就講什麼，一片胡言亂語

Although sometimes they were a little too random, where I would, like, go a little too off-topic or I would just cut away to these random

有時候真的是講得亂七八糟，我可能會太離題 或是我得把那些亂講的笑話剪掉

skits or jokes, and usually it was just a really bad pun, so bad to the point where I had to explain it.

因為通常那都是很爛的雙關語，爛到我如果留著，我還得跟大家解釋

That's what he said. See what I did there? That's right. It's gonna be even bett-ber. See what I did there?

（他就是這樣講的。）（看到我的表現了嗎？） （沒錯啦這樣肯定更棒的）（看到我的表現了嗎？）

SHUT UP!

閉嘴！！

That was Smosh.

我剛剛模仿的是Smosh

But yeah,

不過

that's why I liked this series, because I could just be me speaking my mind. Not sure other people liked it as much as I

這就是為什麼我很喜歡這個系列，因為我可以做我自己 把我的想法講出來，雖然我不確定別人喜不喜歡我這樣做

did, but anyway, the reason why I stopped doing this series and these types of videos and stuck more with, you know, scripted skits

但總之，我之所以暫停這個系列還有類似影片，然後跑去弄一些，事前寫好的笑話...等等

and stuff was because, well, I...

是因為，呃...我...

I was a huge coward.

我以前超級膽小(coward)

Because...

因為...

You know, "moo," because, like, cows' words are like, "Moo." It's like, "cow word."

你知道，「哞」會讓你想到牛，然後... 「哞」就是cow word...

Sorry.

對不起

See, because sometimes when I would do these videos and I was just, like, freestyling, I would say some things that were not too

因為有時候我拍這類影片時，我都是在...即興 然後我會說出一些不經大腦思考的話

well thought out. I mean, they were my honest opinions. But sometimes-- well, a lot of times they were very unpopular ones, and honestly,

我的意思是，那都是我最真實的想法，不過有時候... 好啦，很多時候那些想法不太被社會主流接受

I just got scared of making them as, you know, people got more and more politically correct.

說實話，大眾越來越政治正確，我也不敢繼續拍下去 我不想冒犯任何人

I just didn't want to offend anyone. Well, not anymore. I'm bringing them back because I'm smarter now. I'm better now. I've evolved.

但從今天開始我可不管啦！！我要繼續拍這個系列 因為我覺得我更有智慧了、我變得更棒，我進化了

Okay, I'm no longer some little timid Caterpie hiding in his little Metapod. I'm Butterfree now. Sorry, guys.

我不再是那隻小小的綠毛蟲，躲在自己小小的鐵甲蛹裡 我現在可是巴大蝴啦！！

I also used to make a lot of Pokemon references back then when it was a little more relevant, but Onix-ly,

抱歉各位，我以前只要有機會，就會拿寶可夢做比喻

I don't think people really appreciated them. Anyway, as I was saying before I went completely off-topic as usual,

但蛇際上，我覺得大家似乎沒有很喜歡寶可夢比喻 總之，在我如往常一樣離題之前，我想說

I'm no longer afraid to do this series anymore because I think I really have gotten smarter.

我已經不再害怕拍這個系列了，因為我覺得我自己真的變得更有智慧了

You know, I'm not gonna say things that are just gonna offend people.

就是，我不會再說那些單純冒犯人家的話

I know how to give an opinion now being a little bit more PC and most of all I just know how to not

我知道要如何在想法中融入一點政治正確，更重要的是

upset the majority of the masses by giving a controversial opinion on something that I really-- I hate babies, okay?

我知道如何不要讓對於某事的偏激想法使得大家失望 就算我真的...我討厭嬰兒，懂嗎？

(audience gasps)

（觀眾驚訝）

There, you got it out of me. Okay, obviously, that's an exaggeration. I don't hate babies that much.

行了吧，我講出來了啦 好啦其實那個有點誇張了，我沒有那麼討厭嬰兒啦

I know. I know it's like, what? Ryan's baby hater. How can you hate a baby?

我懂、我懂的，你們現在的反應應該是： 什麼？Ryan討厭嬰兒？你怎麼能討厭嬰兒？

I can't believe you're a baby hater. Oh, how can you hate a baby?

我真是不敢相信你討厭嬰兒 噢，你怎麼能討厭得了嬰兒？

They're so innocent. Why are all of our hands up like this when we talk? Well, just hear me out real quick.

他們超天真無邪的、為什麼我們講話的時候手都要這樣舉起來？ 呃，你們聽我快速解釋一下

And this isn't quite what I wanted to talk about in this video.

而且這個也不是我想在這支影片談論的主題

But I just have to say this. Babies are

但我真的得說我不喜歡

stereotypically one of the most innocent things in the world. Like, if you were to make a list of the most innocent things in the

說到世上最天真的事物，大家都會想到嬰兒 如果你要去列出世上最天真事物的名單，

world, it'd probably be like, babies and then, like, puppies and trees.

結果大概就是：嬰兒，然後可能是狗跟樹

Puppies first, babies, trees.

不，第一是狗，然後是嬰兒、再來是樹

F--k trees. And because they're so innocent, it's really hard to be critical of them.

ㄑㄋㄉ樹。因為他們很天真，你很難對他們兇

But if you really break it down and you really think about it, babies, they-- they freaking suck...

可是如果你拋開這一點，然後仔細想想...嬰兒 他們很噁心

figuratively and

我只是比喻啦

literally, like, for one,

還有字面上啦，比方說

I'm at that very old age right now where a bunch of my friends and my classmates and peers around my age are starting to

我的年紀其實也不小了，我很多朋友跟同學、同輩在這時候都慢慢有小孩了

have kids and they'll go on their social media and they'll post, like, these pictures of their newborn babies.

然後他們都會在社群網站上po一些他們小孩剛出生的照片

Like, I'm talking like right after their birth and write, like, a caption like, oh, my gosh. She's so beautiful.

真的，我講的就是一出生就拍的那種照片，然後他們都會附上幾句話，像是：噢天啊，她真的好漂亮、

Oh, he's changed my life for the better. He's such a cute baby. Uh, blah-blah-blah. I sound like an ass right now, but

噢，他讓我的人生變得更好了、他好可愛喔 吧啦吧啦吧啦，我現在聽起來很機車，

almost at the point. Hear me out. Everybody in the comments are like, Oh, congrats. She's so beautiful. OMG. She's so beautiful. Congrats.

可是我快說到重點了，聽我講完。 大家在下面留言都是：噢恭喜，她好漂亮、天啊她好美

He's adorable. So cute. So cute. So coyote. Kawaii! And yes, I'm not saying that babies aren't cute.

恭喜！她好可愛、好可愛、豪可愛、潮殼愛、卡哇伊！！ 我不是在說嬰兒不可愛

I think a lot of babies-- not all, but I think a lot of babies are cute.

我覺得很多嬰兒——不是全部，不過我覺得大部分都很可愛

But newborns? I can't be the only one that thinks that newborn babies are a little gross looking.

可是新生兒？ 我不可能是唯一一個覺得新生兒長得有點噁的吧

They're all red and wrinkly, beady eyes gunk all over them. Yep, and now you can see why I stopped making this series.

他們紅紅的、皺皺的，渾身都是眼屎 嗯你們現在應該懂我為什麼之前會停拍這個系列了

I mean, this wasn't even the point I wanted to talk about in this video. Let's just get to that,

我想說，其實這不是我想講的影片重點啦，我們直接進入正題吧

right?

可以嗎？

The whole reason why I even started thinking about babies is because last week I came across this video about this new movement.

我討論嬰兒的原因是因為 上禮拜我看到了一個關於新運動的影片

I don't know if you guys heard about it. It's called "theybies."

我不知道你們有沒有聽過，這個新運動叫做「Theybies」

(trying different pronunciations) I don't know how they pronounced it. Sounds more like a disease to me than a movement. Ooh.

我不知道他們怎麼念這個字啦，對我來說這個聽起來比較像是疾病，而不是運動，「噢噢他得到theybies了」

He's got the theybies. And basically, if you haven't heard about this movement, apparently,

基本上，如果你沒聽過這項新運動，原則上就是

parents are starting to raise their kids as these theybies, which basically means that they're raising their kids with no gender.

家長們開始把小孩當做theybies撫養 意思是他們把小孩當作沒有性別

So they're not a boy or a girl. They just a theyby. Theyby.

所以那個小孩不是男生，也不是女生，他們就是... theybie，嗯，就是theybie

I don't know why they had to call it that. It's not like babies is a gendered word.

我不知道他們幹嘛這樣叫，baby這個詞又沒有暗示哪個性別

You can still call them babies. But anyway, so basically these parents raising these babies or theybies, I guess, as gender-neutral,

你還是可以用baby稱呼他們，反正呢 這些家長撫養這些嬰兒，或是theybies，他們當做小孩沒有性別

so basically,

基本上就是

they're not telling them they're a boy or a girl as they're growing up because they want the baby to decide on its own which

家長不會告訴小孩他們到底是男是女 他們要讓小孩決定自己是哪個性別

gender it wants to be. 100% serious. This a real thing.

100%認真的，這件事是真的

You can look it up, and you guys know, I don't normally speak out about, you know, more serious controversial topics.

你可以自己去查，而且你們知道 我通常不太講很嚴肅的爭議話題

But that's the thing. When I first saw this video, I didn't think it was serious.

可是這件事是真的，我當時看到這個影片時 我沒有把這件事當真

I literally thought it was a joke, and I'm sorry.

我以為這只是在開玩笑，然後，我要先道歉

I know this will offend a lot of people, especially the people who are already a part of this this movement.

我知道這會冒犯到很多人，尤其是那些已經參與這個活動的人們

But I think it's ridiculous. Look, I'm all for the transgender community and the gay community and the lesbian

可是我覺得這活動實在是太荒謬了 我完全支持跨性別社群、男同、還有女同、

LGBTQ...RSTUV. I don't know. There's too many letters now.

LGBTQ......RSTUV，我不知道，現在有太多字母了

I'm all for people doing whatever the hell they want to do,

反正我完全支持大家做你們自己想做的事

as long as it's not hurting other people. But to be honest, I think this one has gone a step too far.

只要不會傷害到其他人就沒問題 但老實說，我覺得這個活動太過頭了

I think it is harming people. It's harming the babies. These theybies are gonna be so confused.

我覺得這活動會傷害其他人，它會害到那些嬰兒 這些theybies以後一定會很迷茫

Maybe not when they're with their parents, but when they start to meet other babies and those babies are like,

雖然他們跟家長相處可能沒什麼問題，但只要他們開始認識其他嬰兒...然後其他嬰兒就會有點像是：

What do you mean? You're not a he or a she?

「你什麼意思？你不是"他"，也不是"她"？」

These parents are almost guaranteeing that this kid is gonna get bullied when he grows up. She grows up. They grow up.

這些家長的作為幾乎就是在保證這小孩以後會被霸凌 當他長大以後...、當她長大以後，當他們長大以後啦

That's why they called it theybies. And the thing is I like to think I'm a very open-minded person.

原來這就是為什麼會有theybies這個詞 然後就是，我自認我自己思想很開明

I'm always open to hearing new ideas. But this is like, come on.

我很歡迎新創的想法，但這個就...拜託

You got to be a little

你們可不可以

realistic here. A baby should not be able to make a decision as important as that.

實際一點啊？一個嬰兒不可能自己做那麼重要的決定

In fact, a baby should not be able to make any decisions at all on other than which

事實上，一個嬰兒不可能自己做什麼決定啦，除非是選擇要玩什麼玩具

toy to play with, and even then, we decide which toys the baby can choose from, because babies are freaking idiots.

可是就算是這樣，我們都會幫他們決定哪些是可以讓他們自己選的，因為嬰兒就是超級白痴

There's a reason why we don't treat them like adults, because if we did, I'm pretty sure that would be considered abuse.

我們不把他們當作成人對待是有原因的，因為如果我們不這麼做，我跟你保證，這樣一定會算成虐待

(snoring)

00:05:33,109 --> 00:05:35,109 哇、哇哇哇、哇哇哇哇、哇

Wah. Wah, wah, wah. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.

哇、哇哇哇、哇哇哇

Wah. Wah, wah, wah. Wah, wah, wah.

哇、哇哇哇

Wah. Wah, wah, wah.

嘿！

Hey!

閉嘴啦！

Shut up!

哇

Wah.

哇

Wah.

等等，他是不是剛剛...

(grunts, farts)

噢，你太狂了吧，老兄

Wait. Did he just--

噢，你太狂了吧，老兄

(laughter)

哇

Oh, you crazy, man.

乾他在下面蠻久了耶

(laughter)

對啊，四分鐘有了吧

Oh, you crazy, man.

他真的很狂欸

Wah.

哇

Damn. He's been down there for a while.

我猜你們會爭論說這些嬰兒又不是要做什麼實質決定 直到他們長大，比方說會說話為止

Yeah, like four minutes now.

可能是兩歲還三歲吧？我不知道嬰兒什麼時候會開始說話

He's crazy, man.

但我很確定，他們在那個年紀可以回答這個問題：你是男生還是女生？

Wah.

是或不是，他們也可以說男生或女生，可是在那個時候，他們要做選擇還是太年輕了

And I know you can argue that these babies aren't actually making decisions till they're a little bit older, like when they can talk.

我的意思是，就算他們有四歲或五歲了

Whether that's like age two or three, I don't know when babies start talking.

你有跟五歲小孩講過話嗎？他們超級、超級蠢

But I'm pretty sure at that age they can still answer the question. Are you a boy or a girl?

嘿，很高興見到你

Yes or no, or they can say boy or girl by then, and that's still way too young to be deciding anything.

嘿我也是

I mean, even if they were four years old or five, I mean,

我看到你帶著小Timmy一起來了

have you ever talked to a five year old before? They're still really, really dumb.

對啊。說嗨

(doorbell rings)

嗨

Hey, good to see you again.

他有時候真的很害羞，不過你只要跟他變熟就好了

Hey, you too.

你今天做了什麼啊，Timmy？

I see you brought little Timmy here with you.

呃...

I did. Say hi.

那個...

Hi.

媽媽帶我去了公園，然後我們玩了鞦韆

He acts like he's so shy at times, but once you get him going.

嗯嗯

What'd you do today, Timmy?

然後我盪了鞦韆，我盪鞦韆了

Um...

哇喔

well...

鞦韆，聽起來很有趣喔

My mom took me to the park, and then we went on the swings.

然後、然後，我...

Yeah.

然後我整整盪了兩次鞦韆

Then I swanged on the swings, and I swingeded.

哇，整整兩次，很棒耶

Wow.

然後

The swings, that sounds like so much fun.

然後

And then-- and then, I, um...

之後、有顆"利"球、那顆球往我過來，然後我踢了那顆球

Then I swingeded for two whole times.

我踢了球，然後它就滾在草地上，草是"利"的

Wow, two whole times. That's awesome.

那顆球是"利"的，還有草地、然後

And then--

"利"球是"利"的，它是"利"色的、"利"色的 他是"利"色的，所以球、球也...

and then

綠色啦，白痴！

after there wa-- there was a green ball, and-- and the ball came by me and I kicked the ball.

好啦很明顯

I kicked it, and then it was rolling on-- on the grass, which was green,

我有點太過頭了，不過你們懂我要講什麼啦 任何理性的人都知道這些小孩子

like, the ball was green with the grass and the

甚至是嬰兒，都不可能有那個能力做出攸關人生的決定

green ball was green, and it was green, and it was green, and then he was greens so the ball-- and the ball was--

我的意思是，如果這個運動真的

It's green, you idiot!

很關切那些小孩、嬰兒，還注重要給他們權利去選擇 那你幹嘛只讓他們選性別？怎麼沒有其他的？

Okay, obviously,

幹嘛不讓小孩選他們自己的名字？

I'm going a little over the top, but you guys get the point. Any rational person knows that little kids,

為何是你選啊？與其選一個正常的名字，幹嘛不在小孩開始說話之後問他們：你叫什麼名字？

let alone babies, aren't developed enough to make these kind of life-changing decisions.

為啥小孩不能叫做Mama或Dada或Goo-goo或Gaga？

I mean, if this movement is really

我覺得叫Gaga好像可以欸，嗯，原因可能就是這樣吧 所以Lady Gaga其實是theybie？我們現在終於知道了

About the kids and about these babies and giving them the power to choose, why stop at gender? What's next? Why not

我猜就是這樣能讓你們變得更成功？ 而且這還只是剛開始

let kids choose their own name?

為什麼你們出門的時候是你幫小孩穿衣服啊？

Why did you get to choose? Instead of a normal name, why not just ask the kid when they first start talking, what's your name?

要是你小孩就是想要裸體跑來跑去咧？ 你又不知道對吧？或是你為何要幫小孩選擇要吃什麼？

Why can't the kid be named Mama or Dada or goo-goo or gaga?

你不是應該要帶著他去超市，然後讓他自己指他想吃什麼嗎？ 你幹嘛幫他們穿尿布？

I guess it could be Gaga. Huh. Maybe that's why. Lady Gaga is a theyby. Now

你幹嘛訓練他們尿在尿壺裡？

we know. I guess that does make you more successful. See, and that's just the beginning.

為什麼是你決定嬰兒可以在哪裡、不能在哪裡大便啊？ 你這樣是在壓迫人家的肛門欸，因為

Why do you get to dress your kid up when you go out in public?

肛門跟嬰兒都有權利去表達他們想在哪裡大便

What if it wants to run around naked. You don't know. Or why do you get to choose what the baby eats?

我到底講了什麼啦？這就是為什麼我不能沒有我的藥

Shouldn't you just take it to the market and let it point at what it wants? Why do you put diapers on them?

然後順帶一提，你最好別

Why do you potty-train them?

抱、舉或摸你們的嬰兒，直到他們可以說話之前 因為他們不會說話，就代表他們不懂得同意

Why do you get to decide where the baby can and can't go poop? That-- that is butthole oppression, because

如果他們不懂同意，你這樣做就是騷擾人家了 而且嬰兒都沒同意說要被生下來

buttholes and babies should be able to express their buttholes

基本上你就是把人家拖出他的家裡，你就是幹了這種事 好啦這真的太荒謬了，我的重點就是，你不需要一個嬰兒同意

wherever they want. Where am I going with this? This why I need my meds. And by the way,

我們不給嬰兒選擇就是因為，我們知道什麼對他們最好 因為嬰兒跟小孩就是沒用、又吵、還是移動式疾病帶原

you better not be picking up,

需要他們家長照顧並替他們做選擇的 因為他們就是太笨，實質上

carrying, or touching your baby in any way before it can speak, because if it can't speak it can't consent. If it can't consent,

他們要自己活下去都可悲得不可能

that's assault. And also, the baby did not consent to be born. So you

哇，我是怎麼了？我真的很討厭小孩欸

basically kicked it out of its home. You did that. Okay, this is ridiculous. That is my point. You don't need a baby's consent.

反正你們懂我要講的啦，你們應該看得出來為什麼

We don't give babies those choices, because we know what's best for them, because babies and little kids are just useless, loud

我很喜歡這個系列，還有為什麼有些人會對此生氣

disease-carrying moochers that depend on adults to take care of them and make decisions for them because they're just too stupid and just physically

所以，跟所有我可能冒犯到的人道歉 很明顯地，當我說我討厭小孩時，有一半是開玩笑的

pathetic to be able to survive on their own!

我沒有很討厭小孩，但我還是不改主張 不過別誤會我，我其實蠻愛小孩的

Wow, what is wrong with me? I really do hate kids.

事實上，我希望有一天也有自己的小孩

Eh, you guys get the point. You can probably see why I

但我就是不想要有嬰兒，可是誰知道呢？

enjoy this series and why a lot of people get a little mad.

也許我只要再成熟一點、然後親自體會

So, I'm sorry to all the people that I probably offended. Obviously, I'm half joking when I say that I hate kids.

也許我漏掉了什麼東西，因為我沒有親自養過小孩

I don't actually hate kids, but my points remain the same, and don't get me wrong. I do love kids.

也許如果我有自己的小孩，我可能也會超愛他

In fact, I want to have a kid one day.

然後盲目到不管他做什麼我都覺得超可愛

I just don't want to have a baby. But who knows, you know?

就算他做了壞事 就算是新生兒，如果他是我自己的小孩

Maybe all it takes is for me to just mature a little and for me to experience it myself.

我可能就不會覺得新生兒又髒又紅、長超噁又皺巴巴的

Maybe there's something I'm missing because I'm not there to experience it myself.

我會看到真正的美、一切的潛能，還有

Maybe if I had a baby of my own, I'd be so in love with it and blinded by the

生命真正的奇蹟

potential of what could be that I'd love every aspect of it,

呃，不，這、這還是很噁心，這真的... 拜託，這個、這很噁心，對吧？我覺得這一定是theybies

even the negatives. Even as a newborn, maybe if it's my own kid,

I won't see the newborn as like this dirty, red, gross-looking, squishy thing and

I'll see the true beauty, the potential of what could be, the actual

miracle of life.

Yeah, no, that's-- that's still gross. That is-- come on, that is-- that's gross, right? I think definitely that's theybies.