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  • - Yes, it's Christmas in July in May.

  • Oh, I've immediately failed (laughs).

  • (electronic music)

  • - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California

  • the only news team that doesn't know

  • what's on the teleprompter before they read it.

  • Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

  • This is Breaking News.

  • - Good evening, and welcome to Breaking News.

  • - The show where we don't know what we're about to say

  • and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

  • - I'm Taffy Moops.

  • - And I'm O.K. Simpson.

  • - Tonight, ho ho ho, no.

  • You're not hearing things, that's the sound Santa Claus

  • makes plus an extra ho.

  • - No. Yes, it's Christmas in July in May (Laughs).

  • Oh, I've immediately failed (laughs).

  • And we've got the lowdown on the

  • hottest toys this holiday season.

  • - Kids can't get enough of R2-Fuck You.

  • The rude little robot that hates his parents.

  • - Fuck (laughs).

  • This little shit fucking sucks, and I hate it.

  • - But your children love it.

  • - This toy is a bad influence,

  • just like that kid you weren't

  • supposed to play with when you were little.

  • - Jonathan?

  • - Yes, Jonathan.

  • - R2-Fuck You already has a soft little mustache,

  • knows a lot about guns, and hates wearing a shirt.

  • - He's got a Big Dogs hat

  • and milk crust in the corner of his mouth.

  • - And he knows a surprising amount about sex.

  • - If you buy R2-Fuck You,

  • remember to pick up a few packs of D batteries

  • 'cause baby, you'll need them.

  • - Remember D batteries?

  • Well they're back, and heavier than ever.

  • - Load 'em up like shotgun shells

  • in this disrespectful robot,

  • and let it corrupt your children.

  • - Other popular toys this season include

  • Your Little Pony, Tickle Your Elmo, and YournCraft.

  • - We now go to Skimberly Milk with the sport report.

  • Skim?

  • - Thanks, Taffy.

  • The Washington Redskins announced

  • that they'll change their name to

  • The Washington Denver Nuggets.

  • Xavier has decided to open a college

  • to support its baseball team,

  • and Mr. Met is in critical condition

  • after a terrible misunderstanding involving his head.

  • All that to come.

  • But first: Soccer has been officially declared

  • The Rick and Morty of Sports.

  • A highly entertaining spectacle

  • with just the worst fucking fans.

  • Yes, whether you suddenly started using the word "lads"

  • or you won't shut up about your one visit to Europe,

  • you all fucking suck.

  • That's it for the sports report.

  • Until next time, I'm Skimberly Milk.

  • - Thanks, Skim.

  • I'm getting word of breaking news.

  • For more on this story, we turn to our reporter

  • in the field, Sumptuous Cream.

  • Sump, what's going on out there?

  • - Tragedy, O.K.,Total tragedy.

  • It appears there's been yet another mistake

  • at the Fruit Roll-Up Factory.

  • This time resulting in the creation of

  • Tropical Kiwi Threesome Roll-Ups,

  • and the loss of seven lives.

  • - How terrible.

  • - Yes, and this same negligent factory

  • has twelve accidents in the past year alone, leading to,

  • Oops All Wrapper, Uh-Uh Beef on The Inside,

  • Fuck, Three Sided Roll-Ups, Envelope Glue Flavor,

  • the dis-embarkment of four workers,

  • and Lame Ass Ranch.

  • - A shocking disaster.

  • What fun Fruit Roll-Ups with they roll out next?

  • - God willing, none.

  • - Well thanks, Sump.

  • Sumptuous Cream will have more

  • on this story as it develops.

  • - And that's all we have time for for now.

  • We close with a bit of personal news.

  • Oh no.

  • Our employee of the week just couldn't stop smiling

  • and laughing even though they're not allowed to.

  • Congrats to our employee of the week...

  • Oh no, it's me.

  • - Well, until next time.

  • Thank you from everyone here at Breaking News.

  • Taffy Moops, O.K. Simpson, Skimberly Milk,

  • and Sumptuous Cream.

  • Goodnight.

  • (electronic blips)

  • - Hey, it's Grant from College Humor.

  • Click her to subscribe to the channel,

  • click here for more fun stuff, and...

  • Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out.

  • Am I out?

  • 'Cause I can like see the top of the camera so it's...

  • Is this better?

  • Alright, it feels worse.

  • Okay, thanks for watching!

- Yes, it's Christmas in July in May.

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別笑新聞室 (The Don't Laugh Newsroom)

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    Jenn 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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