Oh, I've immediately failed (laughs).

(electronic music)

- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California

the only news team that doesn't know

what's on the teleprompter before they read it.

Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

This is Breaking News.

- Good evening, and welcome to Breaking News.

- The show where we don't know what we're about to say

and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

- I'm Taffy Moops.

- And I'm O.K. Simpson.

- Tonight, ho ho ho, no.

You're not hearing things, that's the sound Santa Claus

makes plus an extra ho.

- No. Yes, it's Christmas in July in May (Laughs).

Oh, I've immediately failed (laughs).

And we've got the lowdown on the

hottest toys this holiday season.

- Kids can't get enough of R2-Fuck You.

The rude little robot that hates his parents.

- Fuck (laughs).

This little shit fucking sucks, and I hate it.

- But your children love it.

- This toy is a bad influence,

just like that kid you weren't

supposed to play with when you were little.

- Jonathan?

- Yes, Jonathan.

- R2-Fuck You already has a soft little mustache,

knows a lot about guns, and hates wearing a shirt.

- He's got a Big Dogs hat

and milk crust in the corner of his mouth.

- And he knows a surprising amount about sex.

- If you buy R2-Fuck You,

remember to pick up a few packs of D batteries

'cause baby, you'll need them.

- Remember D batteries?

Well they're back, and heavier than ever.

- Load 'em up like shotgun shells

in this disrespectful robot,

and let it corrupt your children.

- Other popular toys this season include

Your Little Pony, Tickle Your Elmo, and YournCraft.

- We now go to Skimberly Milk with the sport report.

Skim?

- Thanks, Taffy.

The Washington Redskins announced

that they'll change their name to

The Washington Denver Nuggets.

Xavier has decided to open a college

to support its baseball team,

and Mr. Met is in critical condition

after a terrible misunderstanding involving his head.

All that to come.

But first: Soccer has been officially declared

The Rick and Morty of Sports.

A highly entertaining spectacle

with just the worst fucking fans.

Yes, whether you suddenly started using the word "lads"

or you won't shut up about your one visit to Europe,

you all fucking suck.

That's it for the sports report.

Until next time, I'm Skimberly Milk.

- Thanks, Skim.

I'm getting word of breaking news.

For more on this story, we turn to our reporter

in the field, Sumptuous Cream.

Sump, what's going on out there?

- Tragedy, O.K.,Total tragedy.

It appears there's been yet another mistake

at the Fruit Roll-Up Factory.

This time resulting in the creation of

Tropical Kiwi Threesome Roll-Ups,

and the loss of seven lives.

- How terrible.

- Yes, and this same negligent factory

has twelve accidents in the past year alone, leading to,

Oops All Wrapper, Uh-Uh Beef on The Inside,

Fuck, Three Sided Roll-Ups, Envelope Glue Flavor,

the dis-embarkment of four workers,

and Lame Ass Ranch.

- A shocking disaster.

What fun Fruit Roll-Ups with they roll out next?

- God willing, none.

- Well thanks, Sump.

Sumptuous Cream will have more

on this story as it develops.

- And that's all we have time for for now.

We close with a bit of personal news.

Oh no.

Our employee of the week just couldn't stop smiling

and laughing even though they're not allowed to.

Congrats to our employee of the week...

Oh no, it's me.

- Well, until next time.

Thank you from everyone here at Breaking News.

Taffy Moops, O.K. Simpson, Skimberly Milk,

and Sumptuous Cream.

Goodnight.

(electronic blips)

- Hey, it's Grant from College Humor.

Click her to subscribe to the channel,

click here for more fun stuff, and...

Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out.

Am I out?

'Cause I can like see the top of the camera so it's...

Is this better?

Alright, it feels worse.

Okay, thanks for watching!