Here we go.

開始唄

This first one is from @chrislilli.

第一則推文來自 @chrislilli

He says, "I used to live with a guy who would put ketchup straight onto our glass coffee table to dip french fries in so he could avoid cleaning a dish."

他說：「我以前和一個這樣的傢伙當室友：他把番茄醬直接倒在玻璃的茶几上，然後用薯條下去沾，這樣就不用洗碗了。」

[ Audience groans ]

(觀眾哀號)

[ Laughs ]

[笑]

Wow.

天啊

This one is from @MelLynn.

下則來自 @MelLynn

She says, "My roommate used to knock on my bedroom door in the middle of the night and when I opened it, she would say, 'Just checking'."

她說：「我的室友以前會半夜敲我房門，可當我應門時，她只說了句『只是看看啦』。」

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲、掌聲]

Okay. Just terrified.

沒什麼啦，只是嚇死了

Okay.

好喔

This one is from @wyyyyyit.

下一則來自 @wyyyyyit

How many Y's?

有幾個 Y？

I think it's five Y's.

應該有五個 Y

W-h-- -W-y-y-y-y-y-i-t.

W-h-- -W-y-y-y-y-y-i-t

-Wyyyyit. -Wyyyyit.

-Wyyyyit. -Wyyyyit.

She says, "I wanted to get out of my apartment ASAP. I saw an ad that said,'Looking for a clean, quiet roommate.' I called the number. It was my roommate."

她說：「我想盡快搬出我的公寓，而當我看到寫著『尋找一位乾淨又安靜的室友』的廣告時，我播了電話過去，結果發現是我室友的電話。」

[ Audience oohs ]

[觀眾表示：唉唷我的媽！]

Do you like piña coladas?

你喜歡喝 piña coladas (雞尾酒) 嗎？[用 Escape (The Piña Colada Song) 這首歌，暗指：你想找新對象嗎？]

[ Chuckles ]

[竊笑]

This next one's from @mahuls.

下一則來自 @mahuls

-Oh. Mahuls. -She said --

- 噢，Mahuls 啊！ - 她說--

You know Mahuls?

你認識 Mahuls？

Oh, Mahuls. I love Mahuls.

當然，我愛 Mahuls

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

No, that's not the non-alcoholic beverage that you drink.

這不是你在喝的非酒精飲料

Oh, it's not?

不是嗎？

-That is O'Doul's. -Oh, that's O'Doul's.

- 那是 O'Doul's 啦 - 喔對，是 O'Doul's！

It's okay. I'm sorry. I love O'Doul's.

抱歉啦，我是說我愛 O'Doul's

Mahuls is a non-alcoholic bar.

Mahuls 是沒賣酒精飲品的酒吧

-Non-alcoholic. [ Laughs ] -The whole bar, non-alcoholic.

- 全無酒精 [笑] - 全都沒賣酒精飲料

That's actually a play land. It's a Gymboree.

其實是遊樂區，就是健寶園啦

-It's a Gymboree. -Gymboree for children.

- 是健寶園沒錯 - 為兒童專屬設計的健寶園

Yeah, it's not even for adults. It's for children.

完全不是為大人設計的，而是兒童專屬呢

The ball pit.

看看那波波池唷

It's a trampoline park.

簡直是跳跳床樂園

-Yeah. -I don't want to get into it.

- 是的 - 我不想再深入下去了

Lot of lawsuits.

很多法律糾紛

[ Chuckles ] Lot of lawsuits.

[竊笑] 對，很多法律糾紛

(Because) there's no license.

(因為) 園方都沒執照

No, zero licensing. And it's filthy.

沒錯，全都沒有執照，而且有錢到靠 X

Actually, it is a bar. It's a trampoline bar.

其實是酒吧，跳跳床酒吧

Anyways.

都可以啦

-Wait, it's a trampoline bar? -Anyways.

- 蛤？跳跳床酒吧？ - 都可啦

Yes, and there's a 6-foot pool in there, as well.

對，裡面也有 6 呎高的水池

You could trampoline into the pool and drink.

你可以用跳跳床彈跳進水池，然後喝到爽

It's awful. They should close it down.

有夠糟糕，應該倒閉才對

I've been saying, "Please close Mahuls."

我一直在勸導說：「請讓 Mahuls 關門大吉。」

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I've always said that.

人家一直都在講，你們有沒有在聽？

Oh, you've always said that. You have that tattoo.

噢！當然你一直在講，還把這句話用成刺青

This is -- I do.

這個是...確實

I never get to see it.

只是從來沒看過

-No, you can't see it. -That's the only --

- 當然囉，你怎麼會看得到？ - 這是唯一...

-...That's the problem. -[ Laughing ] Yeah.

-... 這就是癥結所在 - [笑] 對

That's why I can't sleep at night.

這就是為何我晚上睡不著

I can't see most of my tattoos.

大部分的刺青我都看不見

You should get a mirror that's a double mirror

你應該買個前後各有一面的鏡子

so you can see yourself in the mirror backwards

這樣就可以從鏡子看到後面的自己

so you can read your tattoos.

然後就可以欣賞刺青囉！

You know what I'm saying?

你知道我在說什麼嗎？

Yeah, I think.

應該吧！

But I'm a vampire, so I can't even --

但我是隻吸血鬼，所以我根本無法...

-...I don't have a reflection. -Oh, I forgot.

-...我根本無法在鏡中成像 - 對齁，我忘了

-I forgot. -I don't have a reflection.

- 人家忘了 - 無法成像啦

- You don't understand what -- -You're Count Dracula Jr.

- 你根本不了解到底... - 你是小德古拉伯爵

-[ As Sara ] You don't (even) understand what my life is like.

- [模仿 Sara] 你 (根本) 不了解我的生活有多苦

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲、掌聲]

You don't even understand what my life is like!

你根本不了解本宮過得多苦！

Vampire with tattoos.

帶著刺青的吸血鬼

[ Normal voice ] All right. This is from @mahuls.

[回到正常聲音] 好啦，這則來自 @mahuls

Oh. [ Laughter ]

喔好 [笑聲]

She says, "My roommate would number her Kraft singles with a Sharpie so she'd know if we took one."

她說：「我的室友會在她的卡夫亨氏起司片上，用記號筆作記號，這樣他就知道我們會不會偷拿。」

-Oh, God! -Oh!

- 天啊！ - 怕

That's that.

就是這樣

Uh, I'm missing, uh, singles 7 through 10.

10 片起司片中的 7 號不見囉！

[ Laughter ] -Did anybody eat those?

[笑聲] 有人吃掉了嗎？

Anyone hungry?

有人餓了嗎？

That's what I thought.

哼，如我所想

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Someone's eating my cheese.

有人在偷吃我的起司片

We're going to Mahuls.

我們去 Mahuls 吧！

We are going to Mahuls. Meet me there if you want to.

我們正要去 Mahuls，想單挑，我們那裡見

That's my last name.

喔，那個是我的姓

-Yeah. -Oh, can you get us in?

- 沒錯 - 那你可以帶我們入場嗎？

No cover charge?

然後不收費？

For three Kraft singles.

費用是三片卡夫亨氏起司片

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Chuckles ] Because we're three crafty singles.

[竊笑] 不用呀，因為我們是三個狡猾的單身女子 (crafty 音同 Krafty)

And a little cheesy.

還有點做作 (起司味)

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲、掌聲]

All right. Let's just go.

好了啦，這樣就好

[ Mumbles ]

[喃喃自語]

Come on!

快上！

♪♪

[音樂催落去了]

Oh, his tattoo is acting up.

他的刺青又發作了

Walking across the stage.

走在台上

Waving goodbye.

揮手說再見

♪♪

Oh, my gosh!

我的天啊！

You're taping this whole episode.

你要把整集都錄下來 (用膠布纏住) 喔

No, this is --

不是啦，這是要...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Alexa, reco--

Alexa，錄...

Alexa, record the To--

Alexa，把今... (夜秀) 錄下來

[ Thud ]

[砰一聲]

Uh, it wasn't Alexa.

那不是 Alexa

It's felt tape.

而是毛氈膠帶

Hey, this next one.

接下來這個

Who is it from?

是來自？

This is from @paisleee.

來自 @paisleee

Oh, I love her.

噢，我愛死她了

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

She says, "There was a fire in our building at 4 a.m. Smoke filled the halls, but my roommate stopped to curl her hair in case a fireman saw her."

她說：「凌晨四點我們的大樓失火了，整個走廊都是煙，可是我室友還在捲她的頭髮，以防消防人員看到她。」

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲、掌聲]

All right.

好

Are you November? [ Chuckles ]

你是 11 月的那位？[竊笑]

[ Light laughter ]

[稀稀落落的笑聲]

Fireman calendar.

消防員 (猛男) 月曆

Okay.

好的

-Thank you. -Thank you.

- 謝謝，我懂了 - 謝你懂我

Fireman calendar reference, right?

暗指消防員月曆，懂吧？

-Classic bit. -November.

- 經典之作 - 11 月代表人物

Jimmy names the fireman calendars.

Jimmy 為消防員月曆命名

[ Laughs ]

[笑]

You see, on calendars --

你看看，月曆上...

Mr. November. That's what I meant to say.

我就想說是 11 月先生

This one's from @brianricci.

這則來自 @brianricci

He says, "Every time my roommate laughs at something on TV, he looks at me to see if I'm laughing, too".

他說：「每次我室友笑著電視上的事情，他都會看我是否也在笑。」

[ Laughs ]

[自己笑]

[ Laughs ]

[確認別人也跟著一起笑]

No?

不好笑嗎？

"I get it. Do you get it?" "No, I don't get it either."

「我有發現笑點，你呢？」「啊沒啦，我也不懂。」

"Do you think it's funny?"

「你覺得好笑？」

This last one is from @mmmargolies.

最後一則來自 @mmmargolies

[ Laughs ]

[噴笑]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-M.M. -M.M.

-M.M. -M.M.

M.M. Margolies.

M.M. Margolies.

M&M.

M&M (巧克力)

[ Light laughter ]

[稀稀落落的笑聲]

[ As Mahna Mahna ] Mah-nay mah-nem.

[唱著歌曲 Mahna Mahna] Mah-nay mah-nem

♪ M.M. Margolies ♪

[歌詞改編成 M.M. Margolies]

-Mah-nay mah-nem. -♪ Margolies, too ♪

-Mah-nay mah-nem. -♪ Margolies, too ♪

-Mah-nay mah-nem. -♪ Margoo, Margolies ♪

-Mah-nay mah-nem. -♪ Margoo, Margolies ♪

♪ Margolies, Margolies ♪

♪ Margolies, Margolies ♪

♪ We're going to drink at mahuls ♪

♪ 我們去 Mahuls 喝酒 ♪

[ Scatting ]

[亂哼一通]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Normal voice ] This last one's from @mmmargolies.

[回到正常聲音] 最後一則來自 @mmmargolies

He says, "Once, I couldn't figure out why all my underwear was missing. I asked my roommate, and he pulled down his pants and said, "Looking for these?"

他說：「有一次，我實在不明白為何我的內褲一直失蹤，於是我問了室友，只見他脫下褲子，問了句『你說這條嗎』？」

There you go.

就這樣啦！

Those are our "Tonight Show" Hashtags.

這些就是今夜秀標籤系列

Check out more of our favorites.

想看更多我們最愛的精選

Go to tonightshow.com/hashtags.

快上 tonightshow.com/hashtags