because by its nature, it asks to be hidden and saps our ability to spot its symptoms.

因為其本質的隱密性讓我們難以察覺其症狀。

But, to generalize grossly, few things so undermine human well-being as the sickness of shame.

但簡單來說，沒有比羞恥感能摧毀人類的幸福的東西了。

The guilty feel bad for something specific they have done; the shamed feel wretched simply for being.

人們會因為做了某件壞事而感到愧疚；而自我有羞恥感的人會因為存在而感到痛苦。

The affliction lacks borders.

這種痛苦永無止盡。

As shamed people, we don't connect the myriad ways in which our behavior and feelings are driven by a base conviction of our own abhorrence.

對自己感到羞恥的人不會把自我厭惡和其導致的行為和情感做連結。

We just take it as a given that we are disgusting. We lack the capacity to imagine that our shame has a history,

我們自然而然地認為自己令人厭惡。我們無法判斷我們的羞愧感有其淵源，

and therefore, perhaps, a future that could be curtailed.

因此，我們的未來可能深受影響。

A first step in untangling ourselves is to get enough distance to spot and name the problem.

減輕羞愧感的第一步是能客觀地察覺並指出問題。

We might make use of a little questionnaire. Out of 10, rate how true the following statements feel:

我們也可以用問卷調查的方式。總分10分，請為下列陳述評分：

I don't deserve to exist. I am defective. I am unworthy of being known and loved.

我不配活著。我有缺陷。我不值得被了解和愛護。

I am a mistake. I deserve to be abandoned. I should not be.

我的存在是個錯誤。我應該被拋棄。我不該存在。

Anything over an eight starts to indicate the problem, but if there were an option,

如果有任何一項超過8分就表示有問題，但如果可以選擇的話，

most of us in the shamed camp would want to award ourselves a hundred or more.

對自己感到羞恥的人會給自己打 100 分或以上。

This is the windswept barren land of shame, where many of us have been living all our lives,

這是被大風襲擊的貧脊恥辱之地，很多人都生活在這樣的環境中，

often without enough mental well being to know that this is where we've been relegated.

常因為心態不夠健康而無法了解自我貶低的起點。

We should probe at where our shame collects.

我們應該探究我們的羞愧感如何形成。

Take the outline of a human figure. What are we ashamed of? Our mind?

以人的輪廓圖為例。我們對什麼感到羞恥？我們的思維？

Facial appearance? Physique? Genitals? Anus? We were not born ashamed.

外貌？身材？生殖器？肛門？羞恥感並非與生俱來。

We should summon up the voices that gave us our legacy and which we have then internalized and blended with our own:

我們應該傳喚對我們產生深刻影響的聲音，那些我們已經內化、與自己的想法融合的聲音：

You'll never amount to anything. You're the family idiot. You disgust me.

你毫無價值可言。你是家庭最沒用的人。你令人作嘔。

Others may wonder why people around us behave this way.

很多人可能會好奇為什麼我們身邊的人如此對待我們。

The answer is clear enough to the shamed: because we deserved it.

羞愧的人清楚地知道答案：因為這是我們應得的。

We wouldn't be truly shamed people if all it took was a few simple questions to shake us from our conviction of our detestable identity.

如果幾個簡單的問題就能動搖我們對自我的厭惡，我們就不算是真正有自我羞恥感的人。

We were shamed because we were and are defective. Our caregivers weren't mean.

我們感到羞恥是因為我們一直以來都有缺陷。我們的養育者並非無情之人。

They were, above anything else, perceptive, even brilliant. They could spot things that later, kinder people cannot.

如果真的要說，他們更加敏銳，甚至更加聰明。他們能夠察覺善良的人沒發現的事情。

They had the true measure of us. Shamed children don't blame their guardians.

他們才是真正的了解我們。有羞恥感的孩子不會責怪他們的監護人。

We protect them for a weird but logical reason: so as not to feel entirely alone.

我們保護他們是基於一個奇怪卻有邏輯的理由：唯恐感到完全孤獨。

We prefer to think well of our caregivers than to take on board how badly we have been let down,

我們寧願把監護人想得很好，而不願意承認他們有多讓我們失望，

with all the convulsive rage and sadness that would entail.

以及可能伴隨而來的憤怒和悲傷。

The consequences of shame are written across our lives.

羞恥感的後果充斥在我們生活中。

We don't allow other people to get too close to us.

我們不願意跟他人親近。

They would only be appalled if they knew the true us. We're not so good on physical intimacy.

如果他們發現了我們的真面目，一定會被嚇跑。我們並不習慣肢體接觸。

We get scared all the time. Bad things happen to bad people.

我們很容易感到害怕。壞的事情會發生在壞人身上。

We don't like parties. Why would anyone be pleased to see us? We have a lot of secrets, for most of what we are is unacceptable to other eyes.

我們不喜歡派對。誰會想看到我們？我們有很多秘密，因為我們有許多真實面是別人無法接受的。

We go in for addictive behavior to escape our self-hatred,

我們為了逃避自我厭惡感而對某些行為上癮，

then feel even more ashamed of ourselves for the unholy things we've done. What is the way out of shame?

然後又因為自己不正當的行為而感到更加地羞愧。如何才能擺脫羞恥感呢？

The same popular answer is to tell ourselves that we are beautiful and good. But that won't easily convince us.

最常聽到的答案是要告訴自己「我們很美、很好」。但這種說法無法輕易說服我們。

There may be a better, more oblique strategy to bypass the defenses of the shamed.

應該有更好、更婉轉的方法來攻破自我羞恥者的防衛。

We should stress not that we are wonderful, but that every human being, who has ever walked the planet

我們不該強調自己很棒，而是強調這個世界上的人，

is, in their own way, radically imperfect and broken when observed from close up.

如果仔細觀察，都過著不完美且支離破碎的生活。

We may be a bit wrong, but so, blessedly, is everyone else who is and has ever been.

我們可能會犯錯，但值得慶幸的是，一直以來每個人都是如此。

We can be stupid, perverted and uncouth, but that is wholly normal.

我們可能愚蠢、不正經、粗俗，但這些都很正常。

Rather than implicitly upholding an ideal of goodness by telling ourselves that we do, after all, measure up to it,

與其告訴自己我們一定會達到我們堅持的理想，

far better to throw away ideals and all notions of achievable purity and goodness.

不如拋棄理想和可實現的一切純潔和善良理念。

That's where the problem started.

這就是問題的起點。

Better to accept that we are, as a group, entirely crazy and ill-tempered, wicked and odd,

最好接受我們就整體而言，瘋狂、脾氣暴躁、邪惡且怪異，

but then to stress just how much this is a reason for mercy and kindness, rather than censure and condemnation.

但強調正因如此，我們才更應該慈悲為懷，而不是指責和責備。

Let's stop judging ourselves and others by unreal standards, that's how we made ourselves ill.

我們別再用不切實際的標準來評斷自己和他人，這是我們讓自己生病的原因。

Let's laugh and comfort each other for the absurdity and horror of existing in human form.

面對人類的荒唐及恐懼，讓我們一笑置之並互相安慰。

The primary sin of those who made us feel ashamed was not so much that they spotted our flaws,

那些讓我們感到羞愧的人，他們的主要罪過並非指出我們的缺點，

it's that they forgot their own awfulness, and then, had the gall to blame us for our own.

而是他們忘記自己的缺陷，然後厚顏無恥地責怪我們的缺陷。

We should give up on fascistic perfectionism

我們應該摒棄法西斯主義式的完美主義，

in order to make a generous home for our cracked reality in our own and in the collective imagination.

以在支離破碎的現實和集體想像的世界中，打造互相包容的空間。

That'll be the start of our way out of the problem of shame.

這將是我們解決羞恥感問題的開始。

At The School of Life, we believe that confidence is a skill we can all learn. Click now to learn more.

在 The School of Life，我們相信自信心是可以習得的技能。點擊了解更多內容。