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  • But then I thought maybe I'd eaten too much humus,

    後來我就在想我是不是吃太多鷹嘴豆泥

  • but I really don't think that's possible.

    但我真的覺得不太可能

  • Oh yeah.

    是喔

  • Ever thought of humus as just sort

    不覺得鷹嘴豆泥其實滿像

  • of like a chick pea pudding.

    鷹嘴豆腐之類的嗎?

  • I think that's kind of what it is.

    我覺得根本就是一樣

  • Huh, somebody just looked me up on LinkedIn.

    噢,有人看了我的 LinkedIn 檔案

  • What nobody uses LinkedIn.

    什麼?現在根本沒人在用 LinkedIn

  • I know right.

    對啊

  • That's crazy.

    好扯喔

  • Your profile is viewed by a 55 yer old woman

    一名位於佛羅里達州坦帕市的 55 歲女性

  • in Tampa, Florida.

    瀏覽了你的個人檔案

  • Shit my stalker's back.

    該死,我的跟蹤狂又來了

  • You have a stalker?

    你有跟蹤狂?

  • Yeah, my Mom.

    對啊,我媽啦

  • Well that's just your Mom.

    喔,只是你媽而已

  • You don't understand.

    你不懂

  • She is obsessed with me. Look!

    她對我已經是走火入魔了,你看!

  • Every day for weeks my profile was viewed

    這幾個禮拜,每天都有一個人

  • by exactly one person,

    會來看我的個人檔案

  • a 55 year old woman from Tampa, Florida.

    一名位於佛羅里達州坦帕市的 55 歲女性

  • Oh my God you're right, this is really creepy.

    我的天啊 ,你說的對,這有點恐怖

  • That is nothing,

    這還不算什麼

  • you should see her house.

    你應該看看她家

  • It's filled with pictures of me,

    貼滿我的照片

  • mementos, she's even got scribbles

    紀念物品、她甚至連我小時候

  • that I did when I was a kid.

    隨便塗鴉的東西都留著

  • That stuff's trash.

    那種塗鴉是垃圾吧

  • I know.

    對啊!

  • But when it comes to me,

    但只要是我的東西

  • she even loves my garbage.

    連垃圾她都愛

  • I mean she watches all my videos,

    她看過我所有影片

  • she likes all my posts,

    按我每篇文讚

  • even when I tweeted dumb shit like I fardok.

    連我發「ㄆㄆ」這種廢文她也會看

  • I don't get it.

    我不懂,什麼是ㄆㄆ

  • No, it's a typo.

    就是單純打錯字而已

  • There's nothing to get,

    完全沒意義

  • it's a typo.

    就是按錯

  • It's not just my stuff she showed up

    不只是對我,她還會出現在

  • at my Dad's job it's like boundaries.

    我爸的公司,陰魂不散

  • Okay this might be weird but are you sending her

    好吧,這聽起來可能有點怪

  • any signals or anything?

    但你是不是不小心暗示她之類的?

  • I don't know.

    我不知道

  • We used to be close.

    我們以前感情很好

  • But I moved on, she didn't.

    但我現在長大了,她還停在以前吧

  • And you told her it was over.

    你有跟她說不能再這樣了嗎?

  • I mean I tried,

    我試過啊

  • as soon as I graduated I was like peace

    我大學畢業之後就比較冷淡

  • but she kept calling.

    但她還是一直打來

  • How could you be clearer?

    你應該再狠一點

  • I know, I mean since

    我有啊

  • then I've moved five times.

    我後來搬家搬了五次

  • Wake up, I changed my email address,

    換了 email 信箱

  • I got a new phone number.

    換了手機號碼

  • She always finds me,

    她總是有辦法找到我

  • sends me baked goods and shit.

    送一些烤餅乾、小點心什麼的

  • Oh my God, she sent these?

    我的媽,這是她送來的?

  • Gross, these could be poison are you crazy?

    太噁了,這可能有毒欸,你瘋了嗎?

  • Come on my Mom wouldn't...

    不會啦,我媽不會...

  • Oh wait she did used to tell me that she brought

    噢,等等,她以前是說過

  • me into this world and she could take me out.

    她給了我這條命,也能把它收回去

  • You don't think she could hurt me?

    她應該不會想害我吧?

  • I don't know.

    我不知道

  • But I do know we need to call the police.

    但我知道我們應該要報警

  • No, no, no,

    不不不

  • I don't want to get her in trouble.

    我不希望她出事

  • Look she's not bad okay.

    她其實沒那麼壞啦

  • She's just acting crazy,

    她只是有點瘋狂

  • look she said.

    她之前說

  • You've been talking to her?

    你還有在跟她說話?

  • I went home for Christmas.

    我聖誕節有回家

  • Are you kidding me?

    你認真嗎?

  • That will fuel her obsession.

    你這樣會讓她更黏你

  • How was I supposed to know,

    那我能怎麼辦嘛

  • I felt bad for her.

    我覺得很對不起她啊

  • She was sitting at home alone,

    她一個人孤零零在家

  • staring at a box full of my old teeth.

    只能盯著一盒我的牙齒

  • Are you kidding me?

    你在跟我開玩笑嗎?

  • They're baby teeth, they are baby teeth.

    那是乳牙啦、是乳牙

  • Are you kidding me, are you kidding me.

    這太扯了、這太扯了

  • They are baby teeth, they came out

    那是乳牙啦,是自然脫落

  • on their own it's not like--

    不是你想得那樣...

  • Listen to yourself!

    面對現實好嗎!

  • You're right, you're right.

    你說得對,沒錯

  • I'll file a restraining order.

    我會去申請保護令

  • Good.

    很好

  • Let me tell you about

    我跟你講那個

  • this garlic humus, it was insane.

    大蒜豆泥,超級誇張

  • Raph this came for you.

    Raph 這是給你的

  • No mailing label?

    沒有郵戳?

  • A lady in the lobby gave it to me.

    剛剛在大廳一個女士給我的

  • She's here.

    她來了

  • Surprise!

    驚喜!

  • Run Raph.

    Raph 快跑!

  • Oh.

  • Your cookies were really good though.

    你烤的餅乾很好吃

  • Thank you baby.

    親愛的謝謝你

  • Hi I'm Raphael from College Humor.

    嗨,我是 College Humor 的 Raphael

  • Click here to subscribe,

    按這裡訂閱我們

  • click here for more fun stuff

    按這裡看更多影片

  • and if you could just click here

    如果你按這裡的話

  • it would really

    會讓我覺得

  • satisfy my OCD.

    非常地開心

  • Ah, thanks a lot.

    啊...太感謝了

  • That really hit the spot.

    那一下有按到我的點

But then I thought maybe I'd eaten too much humus,

後來我就在想我是不是吃太多鷹嘴豆泥

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