it was a beautiful day, a Friday,

a day full of hope—one worth remembering.

I was in a whole new place.

The air was cleaner, and I had never felt so carefree.

Oh, I forgot to introduce myself.

My name is Chen Xi.

I'm a Christian from mainland China.

This was my first day overseas,

when I finally escaped persecution by the CCP government.

I was finally free to worship God.

It was God's grace and blessing.

Hey, our sister is here!

Hi, sister.

Here, give me your bag! (Thank you!)

Come on in. (I'll take this.)

Chen Xi, You made it! (Hi, sister.)

Come. We mostly work in here. (Chen Xi, welcome!)

Hi! (Sister, welcome!)

Everything I saw that day filled me with gratitude to God.

I finally had the chance to come overseas,

to freely gather and fellowship on God's words with my brothers and sisters.

We could perform our duty and bear witness to God's salvation of the last days,

give what little we had to spread God's gospel of the kingdom,

and let more people in other countries hear God's voice.

It was so exciting to think about!

After a while,

I saw my brothers' and sisters' fellowship on God's words

really had enlightenment and light.

They shared their understanding of putting God's words into practice.

They could read English really well, and their pronunciation was great.

I really admired this about them.

In fact, I felt that I was lacking compared to them,

but I didn't want to fall behind,

so I quietly encouraged myself.

I thought: As long as I doubled my efforts, one day I'd surpass them,

and then, they'd admire me.

I would get up early every morning, before sunrise,

to read God's words, write in my devotional journal,

and study English vocabulary.

After my sisters would go to bed, I'd stay up late into the night.

Three months went by in the blink of an eye.

Even though I worked hard and made some progress,

I was still lacking in my duties, compared to my brothers and sisters.

When speaking English,

I would always express myself in the wrong way,

and my brothers and sisters would help correct me.

When discussing work, most of my suggestions were useless.

I thought about how I wasn't performing my duty well

and how my brothers and sisters had to guide me.

I was so embarrassed.

I had this frustration and pain that I couldn't put words to.

But the more this happened, I knew I couldn't give up.

The day would come when I'd stand out and gain their recognition.

This is Chen Xi. And this is sister Jingxin. (Hi!)

Hello. (Hello.)

Not long after, the leader arranged for me to work with a new sister.

I saw that she wasn't familiar with this kind of duty,

and her English wasn't as good as mine.

I could secretly rejoice:

I no longer felt like the worst one there.

Later, when the sister encountered difficulties in her duty and asked me for help,

I always held something back and didn't want to share too much in fellowship.

I was afraid she'd progress faster than me.

There were times when I saw she wasn't bearing any fruit in her duty

and she felt negative.

I knew I should help her out of love,

but I was afraid if she were successful, it wouldn't make me look as good.

So I was indifferent toward her.

But I didn't expect that

when she encountered difficulties, she sought the truth,

so when she found gaps in her knowledge,

she would learn from the other brothers and sisters.

After a couple months,

she gradually got the hang of the principles of performing her duty,

her English improved really quickly,

and her duty was bearing fruit.

That made me really scared.

If things kept up like that,

I was worried I'd be the weakest link in the group again.

It's understandable if I'm not as good as my brothers and sisters

who have been doing this for longer,

but she just got here.

What if she turns out better than me?

How can I hold my head up?

What will my brothers and sisters think of me?

I constantly lived in this state of struggle for name and gain.

I couldn't get out of it.

My mind was racing.

Spiritually, I was in darkness and pain.

I suffered every day.

I thought back to when I was doing my duty in my hometown.

When I discussed work with my brothers and sisters,

they generally agreed with my opinions,

and church leaders thought highly of me.

But now, I was falling behind in everything.

I didn't measure up to the others in any way.

It was embarrassing.

The more I thought about it, the more upset and wronged I felt.

Sometimes I would just hide in the bathroom and cry.

I felt like living that way was so painful and frustrating.

I even considered leaving and no longer performing that duty.

But when I had those thoughts, it made me feel even worse,

like my heart was breaking.

I couldn't walk away from my duty and betray God!

I remembered that I had made a vow to God

that I would expend myself for Him to repay His love,

but when I encountered setback and failure,

I wanted to give up on my duty.

Wasn't that cheating and betraying God?

But if I continued to perform my duty there and constantly live in pain,

I really wouldn't be able to take it any longer.

What could I do?

Oh God, I'm in pain,

but I don't want to give up my duty and betray You.

I want to obey Your rule and arrangements,

but I don't know what lessons to learn.

God! I beg You to enlighten and lead me to understand Your will.

Pondering God's words, they cut straight to the heart.

They revealed my exact true state.

Wasn't I one of those people pursuing fame and status?

It occurred to me that since I was young,

I had been poisoned by and steeped in the satanic philosophies

of standing out from the crowd and honoring my ancestors,

only seeking my own success.

I had always admired and adored the people with fame and status,

believing that only if people gain status, are looked up to, and are above others

do their lives have value and meaning.

When I was in school,

I studied and worked hard to become a leader among my peers.

When I started working,

I worked hard to stand out from my colleagues and be above them.

Looking back on the path I'd taken all those years,

I saw that, no matter what, I was only struggling for my own fame.

Name and status had thoroughly bound and controlled me,

becoming my belief, my goal that I relied on.

And even though I'd believed in and followed God for a few years,

since I had not gained the truth and did not have a true understanding of God,

my perspectives and values had not yet changed.

My life disposition hadn't changed at all, either.

In my heart,

I still couldn't let go of the idea of name and status, of my destiny.

Even when I was performing my duty, I thought of my own status constantly.

I always wanted to get ahead,

to have others look up to me.

When I saw that everyone around me was more capable,

when I couldn't show off and my desire for status was unfulfilled,

I became pessimistic and disappointed, weak and negative,

and lived in pain.

I even had thoughts of walking away from my duty and betraying God,

feeling my life lacked meaning.

My own status had become my shackles,

and it was ruling and controlling me.

It made me unable to seek the truth or practice the truth.

I didn't have true reverence or obedience for God,

nor did I have a heart of love for Him.

How could God approve of me performing my duty like that?

Reflecting on myself made me see clearly:

I had not been living out the truth in my faith;

I was still living in satanic philosophies.

How could I gain the truth with that kind of faith,

or gain a change in life disposition?

I was wrong in pursuing that goal and direction.

It was contrary to God's requirements for mankind.

Believing in God that way could not gain God's praise.

God's words say this:

From God's words,

I saw that when He determines a person's destination and outcome,

He doesn't look at their status, their qualifications,

how much work they've completed,

or how they've suffered for their faith.

He looks at whether they pursue the truth during the time they follow God,

and if they've had a change in their life disposition.

That's the key.

When I compared my own path to God's words,

I was ashamed.

I decided:

From then on, I would give up on status and name,

and pursue the truth and a change in disposition.

No matter my status or how others might see me,

I would be willing to obey God's design and arrangements

and fulfill my duty to satisfy God.

After undergoing this judgment and chastisement,

when working with my brothers and sisters,

I consciously focused on pursuing the truth and doing my own duty.

Whenever I started to feel like I wanted personal gain or benefit,

I prayed to God and asked Him to look upon me,

to give me faith and strength to forsake these wrong desires.

After doing this for a while, I experienced some changes.

But because I was so corrupted by Satan,

the desire for fame and status was already my mortal weakness.

I couldn't change after just one or two times of judgment.

God set up environments to expose me, judge me,

and transform me so that He could purify me.

Hi, welcome! (Hi. Hi!)

Six months later two sisters joined our group,

and they were really capable.

Our leader arranged for them to give guidance to the other brothers and sisters.

Every time I saw people listening to those sisters' fellowship,

earnestly taking notes,

I felt so much envy.

I thought:

They're able to lead others.

Why don't I have that ability?

My work is mostly menial tasks that don't require much skill.

I'm just doing odd jobs.

Before I knew it, I had developed jealousy toward them.

One morning when they were going out to perform their duty,

I watched them get ready to leave,

and I felt really uneasy.

I thought: "We perform our duty together,

and if you don't let me go that's fine,

but you could at least talk to me.

Just a word here or there would be okay.

You two don't think much of me.

You don't seem to see me at all."

The more I thought about it, the more upset I became.

Unknowingly, I was struggling for fame all over again.

I couldn't reach God when I prayed, and I didn't have energy in work.

I couldn't interact with my brothers and sisters normally.

I started to feel resentful.

I would get a chip on my shoulder over the smallest things.

Even if they asked me to do something trivial like close a window,

it made me angry.

I wasn't at ease. I wanted to ask them:

Are you more capable than me?

Oh, if that's so, you think you can boss me around?

Chen Xi …

Sometimes when they asked me something

I would pretend I hadn't heard them and wouldn't respond.

And sometimes when I would respond, it wasn't nicely.

Even though I knew I was falling back into the web of name and status

and fooled by Satan,

I didn't have the strength to grow past this corrupt disposition.

In the midst of darkness and pain, I prayed to God.