But also stressful for everyone involved for guys for girls and for any nosy

bystanders who can't mind their own business and as one of those people I wanted to create

this as a bit of a primer for first dates

whether you've never been on a date before and want to know what to expect

or if you're a veteran of the dating scene and just want to figure out what's wrong with you.

So of course before you even go on a first date,

you have to ask someone out, and there's a million ways to do that

In person, over the Internet...

That's pretty much it really.

But you either get a yes, or a no

and it's as simple as that.

And the good news is that if you do get a yes

you're already ahead of the game because the other person is saying they like you

or the very least you're passively better than a vacant time slot.

Now the first consideration is of course where you're going to go

and what you're going to do. And in my opinion

you should really choose a date activity that reflects

how well you know the other person.

Like if you met by limp-wristedly flicking your index finger across a cracked iPhone,

then there's nothing wrong with ice cream and a walk in the park

because we all know you're there to see how they eat soft serve.

On the other hand, if you've been platonic friends for five years,

hoping your next haircut is the one that will tip them over the edge

ya better have a lot of alcohol planned because your current personality just isn't cutting it

So the most classic date idea is of course dinner and a movie,

but unless you interpret that with multiple layers of euphemism

it's a bit cliche for a first date and a bit too reminiscent of its old-school origin

which is getting married before you're 22,

raising a family and making God proud

which just isn't up to date with today's poor and sinful youth.

I think your best bet is going with coffee drinks or a quick bite to eat

but it doesn't hurt to eventually try to expand your repertoire.

I think it's a really smart idea to come up with fun activities you can do together

so you can focus on doing the activity instead of worrying about what to say.

A few of my favorites include

drunk paint night

drunk baking

drunk Lego

and drunk stand-up comedy.

The common element being, of course,

they're all things I do when I'm alone.

Now that brings us to the real nitty gritty of a first date,

which is how you're supposed to act

and you might have heard the old classic turn of phrase:

"Just be Yourself"

And this is a terrible idea for a multiplicity of reasons

but what I think it really means and should be said more explicitly is that

you shouldn't pretend to be something that you're not.

So they're like

"Oh what do you do in your spare time?"

and you like to play video games then say

"I like to play video games."

Don't make shit up to try to sound cool and besides,

How you talk about something is way more important than what you're talking about.

Even if you're into something like coin collecting you could be like

"I like coin collecting.

Did you know that just by holding one in my hand,

I can tell you the year that any

10-cent coin was produced?"

And when they say,

"Wow, really? Why only ten cent coins?"

You can say,

"Because I only date dimes." (get it?)

*awkward pause*

And then you show them your YouTube channel.

The old one-two, works every time

Now, unrelated, at a certain point you reach a difficult moment

which is figuring out if the date is going well

and girls and guys have their own distinct problems in this department

If I'm asking girls about their

experiences on dates the most common thing that seems to happen is thinking either

"Wow why isn't he making a move"

or "Oh shit he thinks this is a date."

On the flip side the most common thing for guys to think is

"I don't have a clue what's going on."

which actually explains just about everything

So if you do find yourself confused in the moment you just have to triangulate those perspectives and

Sigmund Freud yourself deep in their psyche to figure it out

and that doesn't work you can say you like them, and see what see what happens

So, very presumptuously assuming the date went well wherever you are

it's time to settle up the bill and leave.

Now today's day and age guys are often confused as to whether or not

they should be paying or splitting the bill or what

And really the only person I know who said

"Well, um he was great, but didn't pay for dinner so that's a no."

is my mum so don't make a joke about that unless you pay for her meal

Sorry, Jan you asked for this.

But don't worry too much about it

If you're the one who asks them out, offer to pay, they might offer to split and then it'll be awkward for a few sentences

But you guys will figure it out

Now this is really the part where it gets interesting

because after you walked in most proximal waypoint between both of your houses

you're gonna stand there for about five seconds, glance down at your feet for a second and say

"Umm...yeah. So...uhh"

And then you have to talk about your feelings.

So what do you do? Do you set up a second date?

Do you go for a kiss?

Do you invite them to your place?

Do you walk them home?

Or do you kind of sit on the curb, talk for two hours,

then go home because you're both too scared to be emotionally vulnerable

I think at the very least you should leave saying you had fun and want to get together again

or get out of there and let them down softly with the text

pretending it's you when it's really them.

Now, I know what you're all thinking

"Casually Explained, what do you think of people hooking up on a first date?"

And as long as you're not my neighbor and are both down with it, I couldn't care less.

Nowadays it seems like everyone is having sex before holding hands anyway,

Though that said while I'm not judging you for busting out the strap-on from day one

God certainly is.

So you know

Light a candle.

Don't d-don't call him daddy.

Call them father.

Don't finish with hallelujah finish with a condom just the obvious really you'll, you'll be fine