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  • When I was a kid,

    當我還小的時候

  • I used to think that pork chops and karate chops

    我一直以為豬排和空手道的劈掌

  • were the same thing.

    是一樣的事情

  • I thought they were both pork chops.

    我以為他們都是豬排

  • And because my grandmother thought it was cute

    而且因為我奶奶覺得這樣很可愛

  • and because they were my favourite

    豬排又是我的最愛

  • she let me keep doing it.

    她便讓我持續這樣下去

  • Not really a big deal.

    這其實並不是什麼大事

  • One day,

    但有一天

  • before I realized fat kids are not designed to climb trees

    在我意識到胖子是不適合爬樹的之前

  • I fell out of a tree

    我從一棵樹上摔了下來

  • and bruised the right side of my body

    而且擦傷了整個右邊身體

  • I didn't want to tell my grandmother about it

    我並不想把這件事告訴奶奶

  • because I was scared I'd get in trouble

    因為我害怕我惹上麻煩

  • for playing somewhere that I shouldn't have been.

    因為我去了不該去的地方玩

  • A few days later the gym teacher noticed the bruise

    幾天之後,體育老師發現了那些擦傷

  • and I got sent to the principal's office.

    於是我被送到了校長辦公室

  • From there I was sent to another small room

    之後我又被送到了另一個小房間

  • with a really nice lady

    有一位非常和藹的女士

  • who asked me all kinds of questions

    她問了我各種問題

  • about my life at home.

    關於我的家庭生活

  • I saw no reason to lie.

    我沒有說謊的理由

  • As far as I was concerned

    我當時只覺得

  • life was pretty good

    生活是很美好的

  • I told her, "Whenever I'm sad

    我告訴她,當我傷心時

  • my grandmother gives me karate chops."

    我奶奶會用空手道劈我

  • This led to a full scale investigation

    這導致了一次全面調查

  • and I was removed from the house for three days...

    我還被迫搬離了家三天

  • until they finally decided to ask how I got the bruises.

    直到他們終於決定問我到底當初是怎麼弄傷的

  • News of this silly little story quickly spread through the school

    這個愚蠢的小故事立刻在全校散播開來

  • and I earned my first nickname:

    我得到了第一個外號

  • Pork Chop.

    豬排

  • To this day...

    時至今日

  • I hate pork chops.

    我仍然討厭豬排

  • I'm not the only kid

    我並不是唯一一個孩子

  • who grew up this way.

    有過這種成長經歷

  • Surrounded by people who used to say

    沒有人理解

  • that rhyme... about sticks and stones

    外號帶來的傷痛

  • As if broken bones hurt more than the names we got called,

    就好像斷裂的骨頭比那些外號更令人痛苦

  • and we got called them all.

    那些我們全被叫過的外號

  • So we grew up believing no one

    所以我們一直相信

  • would ever fall in love with us.

    永遠不會有人愛上我們

  • That we'd be lonely forever.

    我們將永遠孤獨下去

  • That we'd never meet someone

    我們永遠不會遇到有人

  • to make us feel like the sun

    能夠讓我們感到太陽的溫暖

  • was something they built for us in their tool shed.

    是由他們賜於我們的

  • So broken heart strings bled the blues

    所以斷了的心弦流淌出憂鬱的鮮血

  • as we tried to empty ourselves

    我們試圖清空自己

  • so we would feel nothing.

    這樣我們就什麼也感受不到了

  • Don't tell me that hurts less than a broken bone.

    別對我說這比斷骨還好受

  • That an ingrown life is something surgeons can cut away

    這痛苦像一顆瘤,不斷生長、擴散

  • That there's no way for it to metastasize It does.

    卻非醫療科技可以治癒

  • She was eight years old...

    她當時只有八歲

  • Our first day of grade three

    三年級開學第一天

  • when she got called "ugly."

    就被人罵作醜八怪

  • We both got moved to the back of the class

    我們的座位被調到了教室最後

  • so we would stop getting bombarded by spit balls

    為了躲避紙團的轟炸

  • But the school halls were a battleground

    學校彷彿是戰場

  • where we found ourselves outnumbered day after wretched day.

    在那裡,一天天我們發現自己寡不敵眾

  • We used to stay inside for recess

    我們試圖躲在教室裡

  • because outside was worse.

    只因外面更糟

  • Outside we'd have to rehearse running away

    在外面,我們要練習逃跑

  • or learn to stay still like statues giving no clues that we were there.

    或是像雕像一樣肅靜,不至於被人發現

  • In grade five they taped a sign to her desk that read

    五年級時,他們在她桌上貼了這樣一張紙條

  • "Beware of Dog."

    「小心惡狗」

  • To this day,

    時至今日

  • despite a loving husband,

    除了深愛她的丈夫

  • She doesn't think she's beautiful

    她仍然不認為自己是美麗的

  • because of a birthmark

    只因為一個胎記

  • that takes up a little less than half of her face.

    侵占她的小半邊臉

  • Kids used to say she looks like a wrong answer

    孩子們曾說她長得像一個錯誤的答案

  • that someone tried to erase

    有人試圖想擦乾淨

  • but couldn't quite get the job done.

    但卻怎麼也擦不乾淨

  • And they'll never understand

    他們永遠不會理解

  • that she's raising two kids

    她扶養的兩個小孩

  • whose definition of beauty

    對美的定義

  • begins with the word "Mom."

    始於兩個字:「媽媽」

  • Because they see her heart

    因為他們看到的是她美好的內心

  • before they see her skin. That she's only ever always been amazing.

    而不是她的外表。她一直是如此令人驚豔的

  • He was a broken branch

    他是一枝斷枝

  • grafted onto a different family tree.

    被移植到另一顆不同的家庭樹上

  • Adopted

    被收養

  • but not because his parents opted for a different destiny.

    但並不是因為他的父母選擇了一個不同的命運

  • He was three when he became a mixed drink

    三歲時,他的生活已成了一團糟

  • of one part left alone and two parts tragedy.

    悲慘的命運混雜著寂寞

  • Started therapy in 8th grade.

    他從八年級開始治療

  • Had a personality made up of tests and pills.

    人生充斥著試驗和藥丸

  • Lived like the uphills were mountains

    生活的高峰都是高不可攀的大山

  • and the downhills were cliffs.

    低谷則是深不可測的懸崖

  • Four fifths suicidal,

    八成都是毀滅性的

  • a tidal wave of anti-depressants,

    潮水般的抗憂鬱藥物

  • and an adolescence of being called "Popper."

    和被稱作「藥癮者」的青春期

  • One part because of the pills

    1%是源自那些藥物

  • and ninety nine parts because of the cruelty.

    而99%卻是因為殘酷

  • He tried to kill himself in grade ten

    十歲時,他嘗試了自殺

  • when a kid who could still go home to mom and dad

    當一個有家有溫暖的孩子

  • had the audacity to tell him "get over it."

    大膽地告訴他:「熬過去」

  • As if depression is something that can be remedied

    彷彿憂鬱症可以被急救包中

  • by any of the contents found in a first aid kit.

    找到的任意一件物品輕鬆治癒似的

  • To this day,

    時至今日

  • he is a stick of TNT lit from both ends,

    他就像一個兩端點燃著的炸藥

  • could describe to you in detail the way

    還可以對你清晰地描述

  • the sky bends

    天空是如何變得陰沉

  • in the moments before it's about to fall

    在一瞬間又即將坍塌

  • and despite an army of friends

    除了一群

  • who all call him an inspiration,

    將他當成勵志故事的朋友

  • he remains a conversation piece between people

    他還能和一些人說得上話

  • who can't understand

    但那些人不會明白

  • sometimes becoming drug free

    擺脫毒癮

  • has less to do with addiction

    跟沉溺毒癮並無太大關係

  • and more to do with sanity.

    更多的,靠的是理智

  • We weren't the only kids who grew up this way.

    並非只有我們是這樣成長的

  • To this day

    時至今日

  • kids are still being called names.

    仍有孩子被叫著外號

  • The classics were

    最經典的是:

  • "Hey stupid"

    「嘿!笨蛋」

  • "Hey spaz"

    「嘿!怪人」

  • Seems like each school has an arsenal of names

    似乎每一個學校都有一個由外號組成的軍火庫

  • getting updated every year

    年年更新

  • and if a kid breaks in a school

    如果一個孩子闖入學校

  • and no one around chooses to hear

    周圍的人卻都選擇無視

  • do they make a sound?

    他們能做出改變嗎?

  • Are they just the background noise of a soundtrack stuck on repeat

    還是淪為那句不斷重複的背景噪聲

  • when people say things like "kids can be cruel"?

    :「孩子也可以是很殘忍的!」

  • Every school was a big top circus tent

    學校就像是個大馬戲團

  • and the pecking order went from acrobats to lion tamers,

    尊卑等級是從雜技演員到訓獸師

  • from clowns to carnies.

    從小丑到巡迴演出

  • All of these were miles ahead of who we were.

    各個都比我們光彩

  • We were freaks.

    我們是怪胎

  • Lobster claw boys and bearded ladies

    蟹鉗手男孩和長鬍子的女人

  • Oddities. Juggling depression and loneliness,

    賣弄著陰鬱和孤獨的怪人們

  • playing Solitaire, spin the bottle,

    自娛自樂

  • Trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves

    舔舐自己的傷口

  • and heal.

    自我痊癒

  • But at night,

    但到了晚上

  • while the others slept

    當他人都沉沉睡去

  • We kept walking the tightrope.

    我們默默行走在鋼絲上

  • It was practice

    那是一種練習

  • and yeah, some of us fell.

    我們當中有人失足墜下

  • But I want to tell them

    但我只想

  • that all of this

    告訴他們這一切

  • is just debris,

    都不過是碎屑

  • leftover when we finally decide to smash

    當我們終於決定改變一切時

  • all the things we thought we used to be.

    遺留的一絲殘骸

  • And if you can't see anything beautiful about yourself,

    如果你不認為自己有任何美麗之處

  • get a better mirror.

    找一面更好的鏡子

  • Look a little closer.

    看得再仔細一些

  • Stare a little longer.

    注視再長久一些

  • Because there's something inside you

    因為你內心有一股力量

  • that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit.

    當所有人叫你放棄時,帶動著你前行

  • You built a cast around your broken heart

    你為自己受傷的心靈打上石膏

  • and signed it yourself. You signed it,

    並自己留了言。你寫下了:

  • "they were wrong."

    「他們是錯的!」

  • Because maybe you didn't belong to

    因為或許你不屬於

  • a group or clique.

    任何一個團體或組織

  • Maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything.

    或許他們在籃球隊或其他什麼的總是最後一個選你

  • Maybe you used to bring bruises and broken teeth

    或許你總是帶著傷口和斷牙

  • to show and tell but never told

    一肚子委屈想要傾訴卻從未開口

  • because how can you hold your ground

    你該如何捍衛自己的領土

  • if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it?

    當所有人想要深埋你的時候?

  • You have to believe that they were wrong

    你必須相信他們都錯了!

  • They have to be wrong. Why else would we still be here?

    他們必然是錯的⋯不然為什麼我們還在這?

  • We grew up learning to cheer on the underdog

    我們從小被教育要同情弱者

  • because we see ourselves in them.

    可我們自己就是弱者

  • We stem from a root planted in the belief

    我們從這種堅定的信仰中茁壯成長

  • That we are not what we were called

    我們並不是他們所叫的那樣

  • We are not abandoned cars stalled out and sitting empty on a highway.

    我們並不是一輛被廢棄的拋錨舊車,空空的停在高速公路上

  • And if in some way we are,

    即便我們有時候是這樣

  • don't worry.

    不必擔心

  • We only got out to walk and get gas.

    我們只需前進並加滿油

  • We are graduating members from the class of

    我們都是這個班級的畢業生

  • "we made it."

    「我們做到了。」

  • Not the faded echoes of voices crying out

    而不是那漸漸消散的回音陣陣哭喊

  • "names will never hurt me."

    「外號永遠不會傷害我⋯」

  • Of course, they did.

    當然,它們會

  • But our lives will only ever always continue to be a balancing act

    可我們的生活始終只能持續下去找到平衡點

  • that has less to do with pain...

    痛苦不會是主角

  • and more to do with beauty.

    美麗才是

When I was a kid,

當我還小的時候

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