is the idea that love and sexual fulfillment must always, if things are working as they should, fit neatly together.

是愛與性必須並行。

This beautiful and hugely convenient idea raises a passionate hope

既美麗又直截的觀念點燃了一股熱情

that over many years two people will not only like and help one another,

這麼多年來，兩人不只喜歡彼此，也互相協助，

manage their domestic finances reasonably well, perhaps raise a family, have enjoyable holidays,

合理地管理家庭財務、共組家庭、享受假期、

understand one another's problems, schedule cleaning rotas, put up with each other's failings,

了解彼此問題、輪流打掃、有難同當、

see each others' parents and friends and pursue their careers in harmony, but they

見對方父母親與朋友，並共規劃生涯，

will also be devoted and exciting sexual partners, endlessly entwining and recombining,

但同時也以身相許，無止盡地纏綿與結合，

sometimes being gentle and slow, at others, brutal and urgent, travelling together on a shared, life-long erotic adventure.

有時慢火溫吞，有時乾柴烈火，一同走在人生的性愛旅途上。

It's this sublime idea that begins to torment us when – as is the

清高的想法苦惱著我們，

case in almost every relationship – sex starts with time to get at once less intense

每一段關係的性愛，隨著時間變得不那麼強烈

and less frequent, more cautious and more frustrating, more at odds with daily life

不那麼頻繁，隨著日常的摩擦變得受挫、小心翼翼。

and eventually definitively more daunting as a prospect than reading a book,

到最後連閱讀、

watching the news together or simply going to sleep. This can appear nothing short of a catastrophe,

一起看新聞和睡覺都顯得突兀。這顯得是場災難

a sign of monstrous failing and very often a prelude to a break-up. And yet the problem

是慘痛的失敗和分手的預兆。然而，

is not ours alone. It is simply that almost everything that can make love go well seems

問題不只出現在我們身上。很多事可以讓愛走得遠，

primed not to make sex go well – and vice versa. We are afflicted by a fundamental misalignment

不一定助「性」，反過來也一樣。我們受錯位思考苦惱，

in the qualities of character and spirit required by good sex on the one hand and

一方面是好的性愛物質層面，

successful love on the other. A relationship cannot survive in the long term without tenderness, soberness,

另一方面是愛情的心靈層次。一個長久關係不能沒有柔情、清醒

practical intelligence and selective resignation. We have carefully to fathom another's motives,

明智與有條件的互讓。我們應當了解彼此的動機

explain our moods, overcome hurts and sulks and assume a mantle of predictability.

情緒表達，克服傷痛與不悅，才能預見未來。

Sex on the other hand, in its most dramatic, thrilling versions, demands that we be heedless, decadent,

另一方面，性愛是最戲劇性、引人入勝的，我們一不留神就屈服

perhaps cruel or untenably submissive. It can involve the crudest language and

可能殘酷，可能無止盡的服從；語言的暴力、

moments of sublime degradation. In having to suffer from feelings of inadequacy around what happens

和尊嚴的淪喪。長期關係中周遭發生的情感欠缺

in long-term love, we are the victims of major cultural failure: the failure of our surrounding

我們是主流文化走鐘的受害者：我們身處的文化

culture to continually stress a realistic picture of an unavoidable tension between

不斷地用現實施壓，在重要，卻又不怎相容的兩個人間

two crucial yet incompatible themes of existence. In a wiser world, we would collectively admit

造成無可避免的緊繃。在這明智的世界，我們應當接受

that the very rare cases where love and sex did run together were astonishing exceptions

愛與性並行是少之又少的例外，

with no relevance whatsoever to most of our lives. We would instead learn to pay admiring

這與我們的生活沒有太大關聯。

attention to those who had accepted with a reasonable show of dignity and grace that

我們應當欣然地接受

the natural price of long-term togetherness is a decline in the quality and frequency of sexual contact –

長久關係的代價，會是性生活品質與頻率下滑這個事實。

and that this is, in a great many cases, a price very much worth paying.

這也是值得付出的代價。

Our Sex book explores how sex truely operates,

有關我們性的書，探究性是如何運作，

demonstrating that far from thinking about sex too much, we haven't begun to think about it nearly enough.

告訴我們，在思考過多的性之前，我們都還未真正地思考過性。