clean, totally cool, and soft-served straight from a sphincter.

括約肌直送，絕對乾淨、爽口、軟綿

Mmm. They're good at pooping. But you know who sucks at pooping? You do.

嗯，他們很擅長便便。但你知道誰最不會大便了嗎？就是你

That's 'cause when you sit on the porcelain throne, this muscle put a kink in the hose

那是因為當你坐在瓷器寶座上時，肌肉會把你的腸子揪起來，

and stops the Ben & Jerry's from sliding out smoothly.

使你的冰淇淋沒辦法順暢地出來

Is that a problem? I don't know, are hemorrhoids a problem? 'Cause sitting at this angle can

這會帶來問題嗎？我不知道耶，痔瘡是不是問題呢？因為這樣的角度坐著

cause hemorrhoids, bloating, constipation, and a buttload of other crap.

會造成痔瘡、腹脹、便秘和其他一肚子的廢物

And seriously, unicorn hemorrhoids? - The glitter gets everywhere.

而且講真的，獨角獸得痔瘡？ 亮粉會撒得到處都是呀

But what happens when you go from a sit to a squat?

但要是你從坐姿改為蹲姿呢？

Voila-- the muscle relaxes and that kink goes away faster than Pegasus laying a sweet sherbet

見證奇跡吧！肌肉放鬆，腸子的結就會解開，大便速度比飛馬拉屎還快

dookie. Now your colon's open and ready for battle.

現在你的結腸開了，做好開戰準備

That's 'cause our bodies were made to poop in a squat. And now there's a product that

那是因為我們的身體就是適合以蹲姿大便。而現在有一種產品

lets you squat in your own home.

讓你在家也能蹲了！

Introducing the Squatty Potty.

向你介紹，蹲便器

No, it's not a joke. And yes, it will give you the best poop of your life, guaranteed.

沒在開玩笑哦，保證讓你拉出你生平拉過最棒的便便

I don't just mean you bloated lords and hemorrhoidal ladies -- I mean everyone.

指的不僅是腹脹氣的大爺和便秘的女士，我指的是所有人

Kink Unkink. Kink, unkink. It's simple science really.

揪起來，放開，揪著，又放開了。這道理其實很簡單

Can't get the last scoop out of the carton?

最後一勺就是挖不出來嗎？

With the Squatty Potty you get complete elimination.

有了蹲便器，你能夠得到全然的淨空

Spend too much time on the chamber pot?

總是在馬桶上坐很久嗎？

Squatty Potty makes you go twice as fast, or your money back.

蹲便器讓你的效率兩倍快，不然就退費

I scream, you scream, and plop plop, baby.

我尖叫，你尖叫 (冰淇淋繞口令)，然後便便啪啦啪啦，寶貝你懂的

Maybe you're sore from squeezing out solid globs of rocky road.

或許你疲於將硬塊擠出石子路

The Squatty Potty gives you a smooth stream of froyo that glides like a virgin swan.

蹲便器讓你拉出條條流水霜優格，滑得順暢如同幼天鵝

Plus when you're done, it tucks neatly out of sight, thanks to its innovative patented

更加分的是，當你完事，你可以把它完好收納，都歸功於創新的專利設計

design. Truly a footstool fit for a constipated king!

恰恰適合便秘皇上的腳凳啊！

So if you're a human being who poops from your butt, click here to order your Squatty

要是你是個從屁股拉大便的人類，點選這裡訂購你的蹲便器，

Potty today at SquattyPotty.com. You'll wish you tried it years ago.

網址就是 SquattyPotty.com。用了才知道相見恨晚

And if you don't trust a prince, how about your Doctor? Shark Tank? HuffPost? NPR? Men's

若是你不相信一位王子的話，那麼醫生的話呢？創業鯊魚幫？《赫芬頓郵報》？美國國家公播電台？

Health? Howard Stern?--He poops from his butt.

《男士健康》雜誌？Howard Stern呢？他也是用屁股大便的哦

They're all crazy about the Squatty Potty. Not to mention the 2,000 Amazon users who

他們都對蹲便器讚譽有加。遑論兩千名亞馬遜用戶，

gave the Squatty Potty 5 stars, including the author of this moving haiku:

都給了蹲便器五顆星評價，其中包括了這位俳句作者：

“Oh Squatty Potty

噢，蹲便器

You fill me with endless joy

你填滿我以莫大歡喜

Yet leave me empty.”

還我一身輕

So order your Squatty Potty today. I'm not saying it will make your poop as soft as this

所以今天就趕緊訂購你的蹲便器吧！我不是說你的便便會因此變得

cookies'n'cream. But I'm not saying it won't.

和餅乾冰淇淋一樣軟。但我也沒說不會

Squatty Potty. The stool for better stools.

蹲便器。為了更佳的便便 (stools) 而生的腳凳 (stool)

Pooping will never be the same…

大便經驗從此改變...

And neither will ice cream.

你對冰淇淋的印象也是

One for you, very good. How does it taste, is that delicious?

來哦給你，好極了。如何，好吃嗎？

Is that the best thing you have ever had in your life?

是不是你一生吃過最棒的東西呢？

There you are.

給你擦擦