It could be a friend, a colleague, a child, or most likely, a partner.

這些人可能是我們的朋友、同事、 孩子，或極可能是伴侶。

They'll be neglectful of something that matters immensely to us. They'll be, to a greater or lesser extent, unkind, thoughtless, offensive or brusque.

他們會忽略某些對我們來說非常重要的事。 他們或多或少地會有不友善、輕率、冒犯或唐突的行為。

We may never have given much thought to observing the way we characteristically respond.

我們可能從未仔細地去觀察自己習慣的回應方式。

And yet, our style of reacting to maltreatment goes right to the heart of who we are and can make the difference between a life of constant frustration and bitterness and one of tolerable coexistence.

然而，我們處理不當對待的方式直接反映了我們真實的人格， 並會帶來以下不同的結果：充滿挫折及痛苦的人生與可以容忍的相處方式。

A crucial part of the art of living seems to lie in knowing how to complain constructively and sanely to those who do us wrong.

生存的藝術似乎在於懂得如何有建設性地、理性地抗議傷害我們的人。

There are broadly 3 main ways in which one might complain.

抗議的方式大致上分成三種：

The first is live fury. Here, we explode, shout, insult, belittle and attempted to crush our opponent.

第一種是原地發飆。我們情緒爆炸、吼叫、侮辱、輕視他人， 並試圖擊倒我們的對手。

What lies behind this response is, at heart, panic and agitation and a catastrophic feeling of hurt and betrayal.

這其實反應了我們內心的恐慌和不安以及嚴重的傷害和背叛感。

The slight to our dignity cuts us so deep, unsettles us so much, we attempt to roar our way out of humiliation.

他人對我們自尊的侮辱深深地傷害了我們，讓我們極為不安， 因此我們試圖用咆哮來擺脫羞辱。

Our bark may be loud but it comes from a place of extreme vulnerability. We're living without a psychological skin.

我們的叫聲可能很響亮，但它源自極端的脆弱。 我們活在沒有心理保護膜的環境中。

Unfortunately, of course, live fury is guaranteed to prevent our complaint from ever being heard.

然而，不幸的是，原地發飆絕對會模糊我們抗議的焦點。

In the face of our ranting, those who've offended us, will themselves get offended, begin to resent us, refuse to listen and accuse us of a raft of things which entirely bury our original complaint against them.

面對我們的咆哮，那些冒犯我們的人也會覺得受到羞辱， 並開始怨恨我們、 拒絕聆聽，對我們提出許多指控，最終將我們原本要對他們傳達的抗議完全掩蓋。

We achieve nothing.

這種抗議方式的結果是：沒有結果。

There is a second option. Cold fury. Here one says very little but hates very deeply and quietly.

還有第二種抗議方式：冷暴力。 這種情況下話說得很少， 但悄無聲息地深深怨恨。

We don't dare to complain directly from a despair that the other would ever understand. Fuelled with a feeling that we don't deserve ever to be listened to. A primitive self-hatred encases us in cynicism and melancholy. We become experts at withdrawal.

我們不敢直接抗議，因為我們絕望地認為對方永遠不會了解自己。 加上我們覺得我們的話不值得被傾聽。 一種與生俱來的自我厭惡使我們困在憤世嫉俗與憂鬱之中，令我們成了逃避的專家。

We've probably been like this from a young age. The adults we grew up around were probably too touchy, busy, domineering or absent to give us much of a hearing.

我們也許從小就這樣。在我們的成長過程中，身邊的大人可能都太敏感、太忙碌、專橫或從不花時間聆聽我們想說什麼。

So we learn to swallow our pain and while seething inside, act with brittle courtesy and veiled aggression against those hated characters who've done us wrong.

於是我們學會了吞下所有的痛苦並生悶氣，在不善待我們的人面前表現得脆弱有禮並隱藏敵意。

Then comes that far rarer achievement.

接著是極少數人可以做到的：

Mature complaint. In order to master such a feat, we must work with a background sense that we don't fundamentally deserve meanness and also that it won't on its own ever be able to destroy us.

成熟的抗議。為了達成此壯舉， 我們須有根深蒂固的意識， 即我們不應該被惡意對待， 以及惡意永遠無法摧毀我們。

We are calm because we like ourselves well enough, a legacy of being cared for by people who liked us and refuse to endure punishment quietly or with masochistic patience.

我們之所以能保持冷靜，是因為我們夠喜歡自己，這是愛我們的人贈予我們的禮物， 我們拒絕默默地承受 責罰或如受虐狂般地忍耐。

We have the confidence not to be thrown into complete disarray by insult.

我們有信心不因被羞辱而陷入混亂之中。

We can seek restitution and tend to do so fairly fast while the incident is still fresh in everyone's mind, but with a measured, strategic, calm manner of people secure in their right to have their say.

我們可以尋求補償，並在大家記憶猶新時盡快以慎重、有策略、平和的態度提出這項要求， 保障自己和他人表達的權利。

We're careful not to insult or belittle our opponents. We always simply say how we feel. Rather than declaring, "You're vindictive and selfish for doing X," we say, "I feel hurt by the way you do X.".

這時得謹慎發言，不去侮辱或輕視我們的對手。以表達自己的感受為主，與其控訴：「你做某件事是不懷好意和自私的」，不如說：「你做了某件事讓我感到很受傷。」

We don't give others easy excuses to get insulted and block their ears in turn. We don't want to make it that simple for them.

我們不要輕易給他們藉口來反過來說他們被侮辱了並拒絕溝通。我們可不能輕易地放過他們。

Nevertheless, we don't have unlimited faith that people are always going to understand and accept what we're trying to tell them, yet we want to speak out anyway.

也許別人不一定都能夠理解並接受我們試圖表達的東西，但我們還是得坦率地表達意見。

Because we know it's not good for us to swallow our complaints and we don't want ulcers. We are at once realistic about the chances of dialogue and determine to talk in any case.

因為我們默默吞下委屈對自己沒有好處，我們也不願與他人種下心結。我們只是實事求是地把握對話的機會，堅定於把話說開。

We deserve a huge amount of compassion for our failure to know how to complain wisely. Our inability is a snapshot into our past and into some properly troublesome dynamics that occurred long ago.

對於不懂得如何明智地抱怨，我們值得獲得更多同情。追根究底，我們的無能是過去生活及很久以前面臨過的困難所積累。

But by sketching the ideal style of complaining, we can start to imagine what we're not natively capable of and to fill in through reason and reflection what we haven't been able to achieve through upbringing and love.

但透過預演最理想的抗議方式，我們就能發掘那些我們不具備的能力，同時用理性和反思去填補那些無法通過教養和愛實現的事情。

We can take our first stumbling steps on the path to mature complaint.

從這裡，我們可以慢慢地踏出第一步，邁向「成熟的抗議」之途。