Being someone who pleases people sounds, on the face of it, like a very good idea.

作為一個取悅別人的人，表面上聽起來是一個好主意。

But it is a pattern of behaviour riddled with problems, as much for the perpetrator as for their audience.

但這是一項錯誤百出的行為模式，對執行者和他人來說也是如此。

The people-pleaser is someone (who might at times be oneself) who feels they have no option but to mould themselves to the expectations of others, and yet, harbors all manner of secret and at points dangerous reservations and resentments.

「濫好人」(有時可能是自己) 覺得自己別無選擇，只能把自身塑造成他人期望的人，然而卻隱藏著各式各樣的秘密以及危險的存疑和怨恨。

They act like the perfect lover when their real feelings are much darker.

他們表現得像是完美的情人，但他們的真實感情卻黑暗得多。

They give their assent to plans they hate and they confuse everyone around them by failing to express, in due time, with the requisite courage, their authentic needs and ambitions.

他們會同意他們討厭的計畫，他們讓周圍的每一個人都感到困惑，因為在適當的時機他們缺乏必要的勇氣、真實的需求和野心。

Putting it bluntly, we could say that the people pleaser is a liar.

說穿了，我們可以說「濫好人」是個騙子。

It sounds brutal, but the people-pleaser is lying for poignant reasons.

這聽起來很過分，但「濫好人」卻為了痛苦的理由而撒謊。

Not in order to gain advantage, but because they are terrified of the displeasure of others.

不是為了得到好處，而是因為他們害怕別人的不滿。

To understand and potentially sympathise with the people pleaser we need to look at their past which almost invariably involves an early experience of being around people.

為了理解並可能同情「濫好人」，我們必須看看他們的過去，這幾乎總是牽涉到他們早期與周遭人們相處的經驗。

Usually a mother or a father, who seemed to be radically and terrifyingly incapable of accepting and forgiving certain necessary but perhaps tricky facts about their child.

通常是母親或父親，他們似乎非常害怕且不能接受和原諒孩子的某個不可或缺卻棘手的情況。

Perhaps our father flew into volcanic rage at any sign of disagreement.

也許我們的父親因為任何分歧的跡象而勃然大怒。

To present an opposing political idea, to suggest we wanted something different to eat, to be frank about our tiredness or anxiety, all these could threaten us with annihilation.

提出一個相反的政治觀點、暗示我們想吃些不同的東西、坦率地說出我們的疲倦或焦慮，說出這些話可能會使我們被威脅至毀滅。

To survive, we needed to be acutely responsive to what others expected us to do and say.

為了生存，我們需要對別人期望我們做的事和說的話做出敏銳積極的反應。

The very question of what we might really want became secondary to an infinitely more important priority: manically second-guessing the desires of those on whom, at that time, our lives depended.

什麼是我們可能真正想要的東西，這個問題變成次要，而不是一個無比重要的優先事項：瘋狂的猜測當時我們人生所依賴的那些人的慾望。

We didn't always lie out of fear; it was also often out of love for someone we were profoundly attached to but who was vulnerable in some way.

我們說謊並非總是出於恐懼，也常常是出於我們對深愛的人的愛，但在某種程度上來說，這些人很脆弱。

We lied out of a longing not to set off another marital row, a desire to keep a depressive parent in a good mood and to avoid adding a further burden to what seemed like an already very difficult or sad life.

我們撒謊是為了不引發另一場婚姻爭執、希望讓抑鬱的父母保持良好的心情，以及避免給看似已經非常困難或悲傷的生活增添更多的負擔。

Who were we to make things even more complicated for a fragile person we cared for?

為了我們關心且脆弱的人，何必讓事情變得更複雜？

However understandable the origins of our behaviour, in the more reflexive moments of adulthood, we might find three paths out from these difficult patterns of people-pleasing.

無論我們行為的原因有多易懂，在有更多時刻反思的成年時期，我們可能會從這些「濫好人」的困難模式中找到三條路徑。

The first relies on reminding ourselves that our colleagues, partners and friends are almost certainly very different from the people around whom our anxieties evolved in childhood.

首先我們要提醒自己：我們的同事、夥伴和朋友與那些童年時期在我們周圍使我們逐漸形成焦慮的那些人非常不同。

Most humans can cope quite well with a bit of contradiction, a dose of unwelcome information or an occasional rejection, delivered with requisite politeness.

大多數人都能以必要的禮貌處理好些微的衝突、一些不受歡迎的資訊或臨時的拒絕。

The other is not going to explode or dissolve.

另一個方式不會爆炸或溶解。

We learned a very particular habit of relating to the world around a group of people who were not representative of humanity as a whole.

我們學到了一個非常特別的習慣，那就是，世界上的任何一群人，誰都不能代表人類作為一個整體。

Secondly, we need to acknowledge the inadvertently harmful side-effects of our behaviour.

第二點，我們需要承認我們行為無意中產生了有害的副作用。

We may genuinely have good intentions, but we are endangering everyone by not speaking more frankly.

我們可能真的有好的意圖，但我們卻因為不坦率而危害到每個人。

At work, we aren't doing anyone a service by withholding our doubts and reservations.

在工作時，我們不會藉由拒絕說出疑問和異議來幫助他人。

And in love, there is no kindness in staying in a relationship simply because it seems the other might not survive without us.

而在愛情中，僅僅因對方似乎沒有我們就可能活不下去而繼續維持關係，這不能稱作仁慈。

They will, but we will have wasted a lot of their time through our sentimentality.

他們會繼續生活下去，但我們會因為自己的多愁善感而浪費他們一大堆時間。

Finally, we can acquire the confidence to be artful about the difficult messages we have to impart.

最後，我們可以獲得信心，有技巧的傳達困難的訊息。

As a child, we couldn't nuance the messages we wanted to send out.

小時候，我們無法細微地辨別我們想要發送的訊息。

We didn't know how to craft our raw pain and needs into convincing explanations.

我們不知到該如何將不加掩飾的痛苦和需求製作成有說服力的解釋。

But now, it is open to us to be firm in our own views but extremely genial as well.

但現在，我們願意在堅定自己看法的同時，表現得非常友好。

We can say "no" while indicating that we feel a lot of goodwill; we can say someone is wrong without implying that they are an idiot.

我們可以在說「不」的同時，表示我們感覺到許多善意；我們可以說某人錯了，但不暗示他們是白癡。

We can leave someone, while ensuring they realise how much a relationship meant to us.

我們可以離開某人，同時確保他們理解到這段感情對我們的意義有多大。

We can, in other words, be pleasant without being people pleasers.

換句話說，我們不當「濫好人」也能很愉快。

We partnered with Skillshare today as it is a fantastic starting point for anyone also looking to learn new skills and they have given us an amazing offer to pass on to you.

今天我們與 SkyStand 合作，這對於任何想學習新技能的人而言是一個極佳的起點，他們給予我們一項很棒的折扣。

The first 500 people to sign up using the link in the description will receive a two month free trial.

利用資訊欄中的連結註冊的前 500 人會得到兩個月的免費試用期。

If you haven't heard of Skillshare before it's home to thousands of classes in graphic design, animation, web development, music, photography, design and more.

如果你之前沒聽過 Skillshare，它擁有許多平面設計、動畫、網頁開發、音樂、攝影、設計等課程。

You can start learning how to do just about anything.

你可以開始學習如何做任何事情。

In two months, you could easily learn the skills you need to start a new hobby or business.

在兩個月內，你可以很容易的學會你所需的技能，來開創一項新的愛好或事業。

Is there a project that you have been dreaming of completing but just aren't sure if you have the skills to do it?

你有沒有一個一直夢想完成的計畫，但不確定自己是否有能力達成？

Why not start now and sign up to Skillshare using the link below?

何不現在開始，使用下方的連結註冊 SkyStand！