This game is bad.

這遊戲爛到家了

Metal Gear Solid is probably the most consistent video game series. Period.

潛龍諜影大概是史上最穩定優質的系列了

Metal Gear 1 - sneaking around snowy Shadow Moses...

潛龍諜影1：潛行在雪白的Shadow Moses島上

Number 2 - you have the tanker.

(他是壞利歐，Snake)

You have the Dr. Octopus as the president

(小心他會咬你)

and that apeshit ending.

(他還可以用放屁攻擊)

Snake Eater - the jungle setting.

潛龍諜影2：你有Tanker，有八爪博士和個超狂的結局

You have the relationship between Big Boss and his mentor.

(Raiden，快把遊戲關掉！)

Metal Gear 4 is incredibly bold just for trying to make sense out of the previous games

食蛇者：叢林設定

and Metal Gear 5 with its refreshing focus on freedom of gameplay.

你有Big Boss和他導師的糾葛

Each game is an artistic and technical achievement

(你的任務是潛進叢林抓到這隻猴子)

and a unique experience of their own.

潛龍諜影4非常了不起，居然想合理化這個系列

So, right on the heels of Phantom Pain selling 6,000,000 copies,

而潛龍諜影5則新鮮地聚焦在自由遊玩上

Konami cancels Hideo Kojima's next project, the highly anticipated Silent Hills,

每個遊戲都在藝術上和技術上有所成就

whose demo set the Internet on fire,

而且都有專屬的獨特體驗

then Konami fires him from the company

所以，隨著幻痛的六百萬熱銷

and disallows him to receive an award for Metal Gear 5.

Konami取消了小島秀夫的專案

[Geoff Keighley] Mr. Kojima had every intention of being with us tonight, uhh...

外界引頸期盼的沉默之丘

But, unfortunately, he was informed by

那款的demo讓網路瘋掉

a lawyer representing Konami, just recently, that, uhh...

然後Konami把他開除了

he would not be allowed to travel to tonight's award ceremony to accept any awards.

然後不准他去領潛龍諜影5的獎

[booing in background]

「小島秀夫先生很想共襄盛舉」

[Dunkey] This situation really hit home with me because

「呃……」

during this, my mom and my aunt were going through the exact same thing.

「但不幸地，他最近被代表KONAMI的律師告知……」

Both of them dedicated their lives to their jobs

「他不被允許出席這場典禮接受任何獎項」

and after years and years of putting up with dumbass shit

這種情況我深有同感

and working past the clock, the second they got a little fed up with the system,

因為我媽和我阿姨正好遇到一樣的事

BOOM!

她們用生命在貢獻工作

Fired.

在忍受了數年的狗屎爛蛋，

So, how does Konami redeem itself?

各種超時工作後，她們才稍微抱怨一下公司系統

METAL GEAR ZOMBIES, DUDE! RIGHT?!

碰

EH HEH HEH HEH HEH!

捲鋪蓋

Everybody loves zombies!

所以，Konami怎麼贖罪?

...8 fucking years ago...

潛龍僵屍啦啊啊啊，挖靠，潮ㄅㄧㄤˋder

Nobody wanted this game.

欸嘿嘿嘿嘿嘿

This is like if Nintendo fired Miyamoto

大家都超愛僵屍的！

and then announced the next Mario game is a M-rated dating sim

……他媽8年前的事了

coming out exclusively for the fucking Virtual Boy.

沒人想要這款遊戲

Even if this game turned out great, fans would hate it

這就像任天堂開除宮本茂

but it didn't turn out great.

然後宣布下一款瑪利歐是輔導級約會模擬遊戲

It's not even mediocre.

並且由Virtual Boy獨佔

This game is

(智障垃圾2000)

Ultra

「你確定這就是我們要的，長官?」

Ultra Mega

就算這個遊戲很好玩，粉絲還是會痛恨的

Ultra Mega Ass!

但它不好玩

Konami has successfully nosedive this franchise into a fucking mountain.

連平庸都算不上

This Kojima-less era of Metal Gear is over before it even began.

這個遊戲，是

I figured "Okay, they got the Fox Engine."

終極

"How bad could the game be?"

終極百萬

"Just slap a new map on there, call it Metal Gear 6,"

終極百萬屁蛋

"make it an annual franchise like Assassin's Creed."

Konami成功地讓這個系列直接垂直轉彎撞山

Nope, too much work!

這段沒有小島的潛龍諜影時期還沒開始就結束了

Here, have a game where you hit zombies with a stick.

我本來想「好，他們有FOX引擎」

Have fun, dickface!

「這遊戲是能爛到哪裡去?」

Every aspect of the game is designed to be as tedious as humanly possible.

「就塞個新地圖，稱之為潛龍諜影6」

You're constantly walking around this huge, empty map, looking for food and water.

「每年出一款，像刺客教條那樣」

Then when you finally find some,

鼻要，太辛苦了

Oh, you thought you could just eat it there?

來，給你這款用棍子打僵屍的遊戲

No, you got to walk back to the base for that

好好享受，小王八蛋

except your guy can't even run for two seconds

每個遊戲要素設計都刁鑽到了人類的極限

without running out of stamina

你得一直走在這個又大又空的地圖，找水和食物

be- because... it- NRRRGH

然後等你終於找到了……

The entire map is enveloped in fog

喔，你以為你能直接開吃嗎?

so you can never tell where you are or where you're going.

不，你得回基地才能吃

Even the waypoints will stop working when you're in the fog.

不過 你沒辦法跑兩秒以上還不耗完體力

Anytime you find something that looks remotely interesting,

因，因為……它呃呃啊啊啊啊

the moment is always cut shor-

「請注意您的體力」

Sweet!

「請注意您的液體攝取」

Now I don't have to walk back to the base for 20 min-

「請注意您的體力」

-ep. Okay...

「我偵測到您過度飢餓」

Oh god, why did I...

「請注意您的液體攝取」

Yup. And there goes my entire inventory.

「您已達到負重上限」

The combat is stiff and joyless and your character is just pathetic.

整張地圖都被塞滿了霧

It takes him an hour to swing a baseball bat and he dies in 2 hits.

所以你永遠分不出自己在哪或正在往哪

Unlike Metal Gear 5, where one mission could play out in 50 different ways,

就連方向指標都會在霧裡失效

every mission here plays out in one way:

每次你終於發現有點有趣的東西

Put down a fence and hit zombies with a stick until you win.

你的感受總是馬上被打ㄉㄨ——

Every single time.

太棒啦！我終於不用花20分鐘走回基地——

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

了，好吧……

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

天啊，我幹嘛……

*poke*

好，然後我的物品庫歸零了

*poke*

(專家提示：站在物體上面僵屍就打不到你) 戰鬥又生硬又不有趣，你的腳色只能說是可悲

*poke*

他得花一個小時才撿到一根球棒，然後被打兩下就掛掉

*poke*

不像潛龍諜影5，一個任務有50種解法

*poke*

這裡每個任務跑法都一樣：

This man's mind.... has been torn in two.

放柵欄，然後用棍子打僵屍打到你贏為止

*poke*

每次都一樣

*poke*

嘻~~~~~~~~~~~

*poke*

哈啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

*poke*

(戳)

♪ Street Fighter - Guile's Theme ♪

(戳)

*poke*

(戳)

*poke*

(戳)

*poke*

(戳)

*poke*

這傢伙的心智……已經徹底崩壞了

Metal Gear Survive is a chore to play.

(戳)

It's not only a slap in the face to Kojima but a failure on its own terms.

(戳)

This shit is worse than Mass Effect Andromeda.

(戳)

*poke*

(戳)

[Outro] ♪ "Old Snake" from the Metal Gear 4 OST ♪

(戳)