purpose of watching tennis. It’s background noise, the screeching of shoes and the grunts

of people usually too attractive to grunt like that. You don’t have a horse in this

fight, but it’s a sport, so you watch it. Every once in a while, you’ll pick up on

a name, like Agassi or Nadal or the Williams sisters, and you can feel like you know something

about tennis. Oh, and there’s love involved. Somehow. You can’t even sell jerseys or

nothin’. Maybe shoes. That’s it.

Then, all of a sudden, they jam a bunch of Mario characters into a tennis game, and it’s

a big thing. ‘Course it is. It’s Mario! Mario Tennis! Who wouldn’t want to see a

giant dragon thing serving to an ape wearing a tie? But why does Nintendo get all the fun?

What about a sassy hedgehog versus a futuristic retro news reporter? (Don’t think on that

too much.) Or how about... several really creepy-looking monkeys? Or this guy? (I think

it’s a guy. Don’t hold me to that.)

Behold, Sega Superstars Tennis. When in doubt, pound together characters from Sonic the Hedgehog,

Space Channel 5, Super Monkey Ball, Samba de Amigo, Jet Set Radio, Nights into Dreams,

more Sonic the Hedgehog... heck, drag Alex Kidd and the dude from Golden Axe out of mothballs.

They need some air. Hand ‘em all tennis rackets. Let ‘em go to town. Cart racers

and fighting games have been done, man. Tennis is the wave of the future. Your primary challenge

in this competition is to stay awake during a tennis match, which trust you me is no easy

task. Fortunately, there’s a Space Channel 5 stage which offers a big, brassy rendition

of that series’ theme, which just might do the trick.

From a functional standpoint, I can’t say this is among the better tennis games I’ve

played. Sure, the cast is interesting, but they’re animated poorly, the controls and

timing are almost inexplicable at times, and the vocal samples are repetitive and annoying.

(Not unlike real tennis.) Fortunately, the somnolent nature of the game itself is subverted

by the challenge of putting absurd and oftentimes physically dubious spin on the ball, unleashing

big, flashy power shots (which may confuse or mildly inconvenience your opponent), and

of course, giving the entire premise a miss and crafting strange, inexplicably tennis-based

mini-games like - and I can’t make this up - THE TENNIS. OF. THE DEAD.

This, to me, is one of the game’s prime selling points. Ulala, beating back a shambling

hoarde of monsters, with a tennis racket and gargoyles that fire... tennis balls. Just

sit back and drink that one in, folks. That’s crazy at its best. Even worse? CIVILIANS RUNNING

ACROSS THE COURT! Who do they think they are? Ball boys? THERE ARE ZOMBIES AND DANCERS AND

TENNIS HERE. GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN! Man. No getting through to these people. Anyway,

in addition to directly accessing the minigames and basic matches, there’s a mission-centric

Planet Superstars mode which takes you through various Sega-flavored competitions and challenges.

If you’re really looking for a tennis game that doesn’t have any Mario characters on

it... this is one of ‘em. And it can be yours on PS2 or 3, 360, Wii, or DS! Get your

tennis-and-gogo-dancing fix wherever you go. What’s love got to do with it?