Next. Next.

下一個下一個

Oh, sorry.

哦，對不起。

I'm gonna have to pull you aside. - For real?

我得把你拉到一邊去。 - 真的嗎？

- You see, we have to pull out one white person for every 20 brown people so we don't seem racist.

- 你看，我們必須拉出一個白色的人 每20個棕色的人，所以我們不顯得種族主義。

Just, uh, pretend like I'm searching you for weapons.

只是，呃，假裝我在搜查你的武器。

- Yeah, I should let you know I do have a hunting knife and a small handgun on me, so...

- 是的，我應該讓你知道我有一把獵刀和一把小手槍在我身上，所以... ...

- No, you're good, man. - Cool.

- 不，你很好，夥計。 - 很好

- Yeah. - Pow.

- 是啊。 - Pow.

- Yeah. Have a good one out there.

- 是啊，有一個好的在那裡。

Next.

下一個

Every Airport ever

每個機場

- Okay, here's your boarding pass, and you are aware that our carry-on policy is one bag that doesn't exceed 45 inches or 40 pounds.

- 好了，這是你的登機牌，你也知道我們的隨身行李政策是一個不超過45英寸或40磅的包。

(Silence)

（沉默）

- Totally. (rapid unzipping)

- 完全是。（快速解壓）

- Oh, wow. - Thanks, ma'am.

- 哦，哇。 - 謝謝，夫人。

Whoa!

哇！

- Sir, we're gonna need to check your assh--e.

- 先生，我們需要檢查你的屁股... ... E。

- Remember, all liquids over the 3.4-ounce limit are prohibited. Either dump it out, or drink it now.

- 記住，所有超過3.4盎司限制的液體都是禁止飲用的。要麼倒掉，要麼現在就喝掉。

- Argh!

- 啊！

My water! (gulping)

我的水！(大口喝水)

- Oh, my toothpaste!

- 哦，我的牙膏！

- Ah, my liquid bombs!

- 啊，我的液體炸彈！

(gulping)

（哽咽）

00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:10,279 (screaming)

00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:10,279 （尖叫）

(Bang)

(砰)

- Please remove all watches and jewelry..

- 請把所有的手錶和珠寶取走。

- Sir, we need to pat you down.

- 先生，我們需要拍拍你。

- I'm gonna use the backs of my hands.

- 我要用我的手背。

(detector warbles and beeps)

(檢測器響聲和蜂鳴聲)

Clear. Thank you so much, sir.

清楚了非常感謝你，先生。

Next.

下一個

- But couldn't they just take two 3-ounce bombs and then make a bomb with that?

- 但他們就不能拿兩顆3盎司的炸彈，然後用它做一個炸彈嗎？

(In an Outbackish Accent) Hi, yes.

(內陸口音)嗨，是的。

I've lost my suitcase.

我的行李箱丟了

- Okay, can you describe it for me?

- 好吧，你能為我描述一下嗎？

- Oh, yes, sure, it's-- it's black.

- 哦，是的，當然，這是 - 這是黑色的。

And it's got a zipper on it and wheels on the back so you wheel it around, and there's no name tags on it.

而且上面有拉鍊，後面有輪子，所以你可以輪著走，而且上面沒有名牌。

- Right? Uh, maybe you can help me with something a little more distinct.

- 對吧? Right? - Uh, maybe you can help me with something more distinct.呃，也許你可以幫助我的東西 更獨特一點。

- Right, right. Ah yes, there's clothes inside of it.

- 對，對。啊，對了，裡面有衣服。

- Something that might help set it apart from literally every other suitcase on the planet and probably other planets.

- 這可能有助於將它與地球上所有其他行李箱，甚至其他星球的行李箱區分開來。

- Right, right. I got a toothbrush.

- 好吧，好吧，我有牙刷了我有一個牙刷。

Little toothbrush in there.

小牙刷在那裡。

- Great, can you tell me the color of the toothbrush?

- 太好了，你能告訴我牙刷的顏色嗎？

- I cannot. I brush my teeth in the dark with my eyes closed. I'm afraid of my own smile.

- 我不能。我閉著眼睛在黑暗中刷牙。我害怕自己的笑容。

- Welcome to the airport, and you're sick.

- 歡迎來到機場，你生病了。

(beep) - I'm sorry, sir. Step aside. I'm just gonna pat you down with the backs of my hands.

對不起，先生。站到一邊去。我只是要拍你下來 用我的手背。

- Yeah, I know the drill.

- 是的，我知道該怎麼做

- Wait, haven't I seen you like four times today already?

- 等等，我今天不是已經見過你四次了嗎？

- Yeah, I realized getting pat down by the TSA is the most human contact I've had since my breakup with Denise.

- 是啊，我意識到被TSA安檢是我和Denise分手後接觸最多的人情世故。

- Turn around.

- 轉身

- Tell you what, I am done with women.

- 告訴你吧，我對女人已經沒興趣了。

- Arms up.

- 胳膊抬起來。

- I don't even have a flight today.

- 我今天連飛機都沒有。

- Turn back around.

- 轉身回去。

- You can, uh-- you can use the front of your hands if you want.

- 你可以，呃... ... 你可以用你的手的前面，如果你想。

- Sir, I don't--

- 先生，我不...

- Shh. No one has to know.

- 噓，沒有人知道。沒有人知道。

- Does my baby count as carry-on or checked luggage?

- 我的寶寶是算作隨身行李還是托運行李？

- (sighing) Oh, God.

- (嘆氣)哦，上帝。

Yeah, I lost my suitcase.

是啊，我的手提箱丟了

- Okay, can you describe it for me?

- 好吧，你能為我描述一下嗎？

- Sure, it's black. It has wheels and zippers. Oh.

- 當然，它是黑色的。它有輪子和拉鍊。哦，是的

And I left it in the cab on the way here.

我在來的路上把它留在了駕駛室裡。

- (heavy sigh)

- (沉重的嘆息)

Great, just give me one second.

很好，就給我一秒鐘。

- Sure, thank you.

- 當然，謝謝你。

- Hi, security? This man has a bomb.

- 嗨，保全？這個人有一個炸彈。

- Hold on, wait. What? Aah!

- 等等，等一下什麼？ - 啊！啊！

(thuds, groans)

（砰，呻吟）

Every Airport Ever

每一個機場

- Hey, guys.

- 嘿，夥計們。

Thank you so much for watching this video, and for those of you that have never been to an airport before, I

非常感謝你看這個視頻，對於那些從來沒有去過機場的人來說，我。

hope you did-- you still laughed, and since there's a McDonald's in every airport, click the box on the left to watch Every

希望你做到了... ... 你還是笑了，因為有一個麥當勞 在每一個機場，點擊左邊的框 觀看每一個。

McDonald's Ever.

麥當勞曾經。

And if you want to see our fun little musical where we thank you guys, click the box on the right, and

如果你想看我們的有趣的小音樂劇，我們感謝你們，點擊右邊的盒子，然後。

And Uhh - I guess we'll see you next time. Love you. Bye.

我想我們下次再見吧愛你。愛你。 再見。