Name: TEDx】衝突之美｜克萊爾-坎菲爾德｜TEDxUSU (【TEDx】The beauty of conflict | Clair Canfield | TEDxUSU)
Uploaded: 2021-01-14T07:13:38.000Z
Duration: 15 min 25 s
Description: 【看影片學英語】數萬部 YouTube 影片，搭配英漢字典即點即查，輕鬆掌握單字發音與用法，長久累積看電影不必再看字幕。

Translator: Jeff Broadbent Reviewer: Xinyi He

to 不定詞

I've heard it described as a volcano that's about to erupt.

Like slow-dancing barefoot on broken shards of glass.

Like trying to hold back  the ocean with a broom.

These are just a few examples of thousands of metaphors I've collected

because it often reflects how you think and feel about conflict.

So it makes sense that if you think conflict is the plague,

and avoid everybody else that has it too.

If it's like trying to hold back the ocean with a broom,

I would imagine that feels frustrating and futile.

So what do you do when the waves just keep coming?

Because conflict washes ashore in all of our relationships;

And you've probably already been given advice on how you should deal with it.

But sometimes talking about it seems to make it worse.

So you stay awake, and now  you're angry and tired.

Or,  "You just have to learn to compromise."

But if your compromise has ever felt like,

"You don't get what you want,  I don't get what I want,

but at least together  we're mutually miserable."

Now I'm sure all of this advice is well-intentioned,

but it treats conflict  as if it's a problem.

What if it's not negative, but full of beauty?

After 15 years of studying, researching, teaching, and training in conflict,

I've been able to see the power it has to transform -

to transform us, our relationships,  and the world around us.

It can be difficult, though,  to create that change.

And it means we have to start looking at conflict differently.

No matter how negatively you think about conflict right now,

The first is to recognize what our conflict is really about.

I have a four decade long history of fighting about the dishes.

When I was a kid I hated doing dishes, and I fought with my parents and my siblings

on nearly a weekly basis about  who's turn it was.

When I got to college I fought  with my roommates about the dishes

because sometimes they'd go home for the weekend

and they'd leave behind their dirty dishes with their half eaten burritos,

funky, fermenting, green Lucky Charm milk in the sink.

When I got married I fought with my wife about how you're supposed to do the dishes

and if it even counts as doing dishes if you don't rinse the sink out afterwards.

With my own kids  I've fought about the dishes,

about them not dirtying 15 cups a day because they get a new one

every single time  they get a drink of water,

and trying to get them to help load and unload the dishes.

I mean, maybe I ought to just  switch to paper plates.

As I think back, as a kid it wasn't about the dishes,

it was about independence and  wanting to make my own decisions.

With my roommates,  it wasn't about the dishes.

It was about wanting to feel respected and wondering

if they valued the relationship the same way that I did.

With my wife, it's not about how I do the dishes.

It's wanting to feel competent and likable no matter how I do them.

trying to teach them  respect and responsibility.

You see, conflicts  are a lot like icebergs.

What we see on the surface may seem small,

but what's underneath can send boats like the Titanic to the bottom of the ocean,

and if I don't pay attention to what's underneath my own conflicts

about our identity, our relationships, the things that really matter to us.

And as you're thinking about  you're own conflicts,

maybe you can start to see that  they might be about something more.

Now, once you recognize what your conflicts are really about,

the second key is recognizing when you're stuck.

Now, I am no stranger to being stuck in conflict.

I started learning about conflict  because I was terrible at it.

I asked my four-year-old daughter to put away a couple of "hair pretties"

You know, a hair pretty is like little bows and rubber bands,

stuff you put in your hair  to make it pretty.

So she took them, but she chucked them  on the floor of the bathroom,

and I said, "You can't just  put them there on the floor,

you need to pick them up  and put them in the tray

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TEDx】衝突之美｜克萊爾-坎菲爾德｜TEDxUSU (【TEDx】The beauty of conflict | Clair Canfield | TEDxUSU)

stick

recognize

vulnerability

compromise