(neighing)

(馬嘶聲)

What up, everyone?

大家好嗎？

It's your girl Superwoman!

我是 Superwoman！

And let me just preface this video by saying

作為這部影片的開場白

I actually love kids.

我其實很愛小孩

In fact, I have three nephews that I adore tremendously.

事實上我有三個我超疼愛的姪子

Now that I've convinced you I'm wonderful and loving,

既然我已經說服你我是個完美又慈愛的人

let me tell you five reasons

我要告訴你們 5 個

why I can't have my own annoying brat kids.

我不能有自己煩人的小孩的原因

Number one, horror movies.

第一，恐怖片

I could literally see the Devil

我可以看著恐怖片中的惡魔

ripping out someone's soul in a horror movie,

把人的靈魂撕裂

and I still wouldn't be as scared as seeing

這還比不上看見

a little girl in a white dress.

穿著白色洋裝的小女孩恐怖

Horror movies are scientific evidence

恐怖片證明了

that kids are the root of all evil.

小孩是所有邪惡的根源

Straight up, if my kid started acting creepy,

說真的，如果我的小孩開始表現得古怪

I would have zero tolerance.

我絕對零容忍

Honestly, I might even name my daughter Felicia,

老實說，我可能會為我的女兒命名 Felicia

just so it's easier to say bye to her

這樣比較好跟她說再見

in case she gets possessed.

以免她瘋了

Felicia, go wash up for dinner, please.

Felicia，洗手準備吃晚餐囉！

But Billy and I aren't hungry yet.

但我和 Billy 還不餓

Is Billy your unicorn?

Billy 是妳的獨角獸嗎？

No, Billy's my best friend,

不，Billy 是我最好的朋友

and he's sitting beside me right now.

他現在就坐在我旁邊

Say hi, mom.

媽咪，說嗨

Don't ignore him, mom.

媽咪，別忽視他

We'll talk about this later.

我們等一下再談

Pack your bags.

打包你的行李

You're moving in with daddy.

你要去和爹地住了

Feel free to call whatever homewrecker he's with mommy.

如果他和哪個狐狸精在一起隨時打電話告訴媽咪

Bye, Felicia.

掰掰，Felicia

Be gone.

退散吧！

Not the shoes.

不是說鞋子

Number two, uselessness.

第二，沒用

Okay, how do I say this in a polite way?

我該怎麼說得委婉點？

Okay, I got it.

好，我知道了

Kids are idiots.

小孩是白痴

If you don't supervise a kid for three seconds,

只要三秒鐘沒有盯著小孩

they somehow end up in the dumbest situations.

他們就會有辦法搞得一團糟

I wanna help.

我想要幫忙

Okay, put this shirt on a hanger for mommy.

好啊，幫媽媽把衣服放到衣架上

Mommy, help!

媽咪救命！

How the hell?

怎麼會搞成這樣？

Put your seatbelt on, sweetie.

甜心，繫好安全帶

'Kay.

好

Good girl.

好女孩

(whimpering)

(嗚咽)

How?

這又是怎麼弄的？

Okay now, be careful and don't spill it.

拿去，小心點不要灑出來

Okay.

好

Oops.

噢噢

(laughing)

(笑)

Mother @%&

X 的

How can you eff up everything so quickly?

妳怎麼每件事都有辦法這麼快搞砸？

Stop being such a Trump.

別像川普一樣

Number three, my vajayjay.

第三，我的妹妹

Here's the thing, right.

對，這就是重點了

I enjoy when my vagina is intact,

我很享受陰道完好無缺

because stitches belong in a Shawn Mendes song,

因為縫合 (stitches) 是 Shawn Mendes 的一首歌

not my hooha.

而不屬於我的那邊

Here's all the things that I couldn't do

如果我的陰道被破壞了

if my vagina was mangled.

我所不能做的事有

Lunges.

弓步蹲

Snow angels.

雪地天使

Splits.

劈腿

Oh, wait, I'm not Logan Paul.

噢，等等，我不是羅根·保羅

I couldn't do the splits either way.

我怎麼樣都無法劈腿

(sobbing)

(啜泣)

The point is, my vagina says no.

重點是，我的陰道說不

What's that?

那是什麼？

Hell no!

絕不！

Number four, setting an example.

第四，樹立榜樣

Let me be crystal clear, okay.

讓我把話說清楚，好嗎？

I'm a hot effing mess,

我是個騷貨

and the last thing I need to do

而我最不需要做的事

is adjust my behavior because some punk kid

就是改變我的行為

is gonna copy everything my hot mess self does.

因為某個臭小鬼會模仿我這騷貨的所作所為

Like, stop jacking my swagoo.

別模仿我

Ms. Singh, two of our students got into a fight

辛小姐，有兩位學生吵架

and your daughter asked Ashley if she wants her to

妳女兒問 Ashley 想不想要

"Snatch her by her wig and cut a ho?"

「扯掉她的假髮剪爛那蕩婦？」

(laughing)

(大笑)

Oh my God, did she?

天啊，她真的這樣說？

What a good friend.

真是好朋友

I mean, my goodness, that language, unacceptable.

我是說，我的老天，那種話，不能接受

I fear your daughter may be mentally unstable.

我擔心您的女兒可能精神不穩定

She often dresses up as different characters

她經常扮演不同角色

and talks to herself.

還會自言自語

What?

什麼？

Yes.

是的

Okay, I have no idea where she learned that.

好吧，我完全不知道她從哪學來的

Hmm.

嗯

My daughter's gonna be out there

我女兒八成會

getting me in trouble with teachers,

在學校給我惹麻煩

spilling my tea everywhere,

到處亂撒我的茶

like, yo, snitches get stitches, brah.

呦，兄弟，打小報告會遭報應

Learn that.

記住這點

Respect that.

尊重這點

Get that tattooed on your forehead.

把這刺在你的額頭上

You can't, you need parental permission.

不能，你需要家長允許

That would be me.

那就是我

Go eff yourself.

去你的

Number five, fake praise.

第五，假稱讚

I believe in real, authentic feedback

我相信真實真誠的回饋

that makes someone better and allows them to grow.

可以讓人進步讓人成長

Okay, but when you have kids,

但當你有了孩子

you have to pretend all their suckiness doesn't suck,

你必須假裝他們所做的鳥事一點都不鳥

and I don't think lying is a good lesson.

而我並不認為說謊是好家教

Mommy, I drew you.

媽咪，我畫了妳

Aw, let me see.

喔，讓我看看

Sweetheart.

甜心

This is trash.

這是垃圾

It's really bad.

畫得真爛

Look, you got my eyes all wrong.

妳看，妳把我的眼睛畫壞了

And my hair is not that thin.

我的頭髮也沒有那麼薄

But I tried my best!

但我盡力了！

And it wasn't good enough.

還是不夠好

(crying)

(哭)

If you keep drawing ugly pictures of mommy

如果妳再把媽咪畫得那麼醜

and act like a brat about it,

還表現得這麼孩子氣

Imma tell Santa you were naughty.

我就要告訴聖誕老人妳很調皮

Snitches get stitches, brah!

兄弟，打小報告會遭報應！

God damn you, stop copying me!

殺的，別模仿我！

I'm sure there's lots of valid reasons to have kids,

我相信有很多生小孩的正當理由

you know, like love, being proud,

你知道的，像是愛，驕傲，

contributing to society.

對社會貢獻

But me, I just wanna drink vodka whenever I want

但是我，我只想要隨時可以喝伏特加

and have no responsibilities.

還不用負責任

Does that make me a bad person?

這樣像壞人嗎？

Or really smart?

或是很聰明？

Just kidding, I'm probably gonna have kids one day.

開玩笑而已，未來我很有可能會有小孩

But I'm definitely gonna adopt,

但我絕對要領養

'Cause I was super serious about the vagina part.

因為陰道這部分我是非常認真的

True!

真的！

Did you like that video?

喜歡這部影片嗎？

Here's how you can let me know,

可以這麼讓我知道

give it a big thumbs up.

按個大大的讚

You wanna check out my last video?

想要看我最新的影片嗎？

It's right over there.

就在那裡

My second vlog channel that has bloopers to this video,

我的第二個影音部落格頻道，有這部影片的幕後花絮

right over there.

就在那裡

And make sure you subscribe,

一定要訂閱

because I have almost 11 million children.

因為我有一千一百萬個孩子

My vagina hates me.

我的陰道恨我

Also, preorder my book.

也要預訂我的書

Link is right over there.

連結在那兒

One love, Superwoman.

唯一的愛，Superwoman

That is a wrap, and zoom!

收工啦再會！