A few comments aside, they should, to prove appealing – always ask the other about their lives or stick to impersonal topics found in newspapers,

除了發表一些意見外，這些人為了證明自我的魅力，總是關心他人的生活，談話時也只選擇一些非私人的主題，例如在報章雜誌會提到的話題，

lest they be accused of that heinous charge: self-absorption.

這樣才不會被人討厭，或被認為自我感覺良好。

But this rule fails to distinguish between different ways of talking about oneself.

但這個原則無法使人分辯談論自我的不同方式。

There are, as well-mannered people sometimes forget, better and worse ways to share details of one's life.

有些教養好的人會忘記，有好的與壞的方式來與人討論自己。

It's not the amount that one talks that should determine the issue; only how one does so.

其實談論的多寡並不那麼重要，而是你如何談論自己才重要。

There is one particular way of discussing oneself which, however long it goes on for, never fails to win one friend, reassure audiences, comfort couples, bring solace to the single and buy one the goodwill of enemies.

有一種談論自己的方法，不論你說多久，都可以成功地贏得友誼、抓住聽眾、安慰伴侶、撫慰人心或消彌惡意。

The confession of vulnerability and error.

這個方法就是承認錯誤和軟弱。

To hear that we've failed, that we are sad, that it was our fault, that our partners don't seem to like us much, that we are lonely, that we have wished it might all be over.

也就是聽到我們失敗了、難過了、犯錯了，或是遭到夥伴冷落，感到寂寞，或我們希望壞事都能結束。

There is scarcely anything nicer anyone could learn.

沒有比這更值得大家學習。

This is often taken to signal a basic nastiness in human nature, but the truth is more poignant.

這通常被認為表現出人性本惡，但事實更辛酸。

We are not so much crowing when we hear of failure as deeply reassured, reassured to know that we aren't humiliatingly alone with the appalling difficulties of being alive.

當我們聽到他人失敗時，與其說感到幸災樂禍，倒不如說是感到安心，知道我們並不是孤單而困窘地活在辛苦的人世。

It is all too easy to suspect that we have been uniquely cursed in the extent of our troubles, of which we seldom find evidence in the lives around us.

我們很容易懷疑自己某種程度上受到詛咒，才會有那麼多麻煩，卻很少從身邊的人證實他們也有這些困擾。

The media offers us unending accounts of the financial and creative success of others,

媒體不斷提醒我們別人的富有或卓越的成功。

while our friends and acquaintances constantly pepper their conversations with ever-so subtle boasts about their and their children's accomplishments.

同時，我們的朋友或熟人又經常在談話中十分巧妙地吹噓他們和其孩子的成就。

By an ultimate irony, these self-promoters aren't trying to alienate us.

最諷刺的是，他們這些自吹自擂並不是試著要疏離我們。

They are labouring under the touching but seriously misguided impression that we will like them more for their success.

他們努力地表現自己，是基於引人同情卻嚴重誤導的印象：好像我們會因為他們成功而更喜歡他們。

They are applying to social life, a model of a relationship between popularity and success that in fact only applies in very selective contexts,

他們所認為的人際關係是以人的成功及受歡迎程度為前提，所以才將這種模式應用在人際關係上，但這只適用某些情境，

perhaps when we seek to please our parents or need the help of successful people to advance our careers.

例如當我們想要取悅父母或需要那些成功人士的幫助讓我們在職場更上層樓。

But the rest of the time, as the boasters forget, we find success an enormous problem.

然而在大多數的情況下，那些誇誇其談的人忘記了，成功事實上是一個巨大的問題。

We put in so much effort to be perfect.

我們投入大量心力以求完美。

But the irony is that it's failure that charms, because others so need to hear external evidence of problems with which we are all too lonely:

但諷刺的是失敗才能展現我們的魅力，因為其他人想聽到的是我們同樣遭遇孤獨的外部證據。

How unnormal our sex lives are; how misguided our careers are proving; how unsatisfactory our family can be; how worried we are pretty much all the time.

例如性生活如何不順、工作是怎麼誤入歧途、家庭又是如何令人不滿、以及我們無時無刻又有多麼擔心害怕。

Revealing any of these wounds might, of course, place us in great danger.

當然，揭開傷疤會使我們陷入危險。

Others could laugh; social media could have a field day.

別人可能會取笑我們，社群媒體可能會掀起軒然大波。

That's the point.

這就是重點。

We get close by revealing things that would, in the wrong hands, be capable of inflicting humiliation on us.

我們告訴別人這些來使互相更親近，但如果是不對的人聽到，我們就會讓自己丟臉。

Friendship is the dividend of gratitude that flows from an acknowledgement that one has offered something very valuable to someone by talking.

友誼是感謝的分紅，源於他人在談話過程中給予另一方的有價之物的肯定。

Not a fancy present, but something even more precious, the key to one's self-esteem and dignity.

但所謂的有價之物不是花俏的禮物，而是更珍貴的東西，是自信及尊嚴的關鍵。

It's deeply poignant that we should expend so much effort on trying to look strong before the world,

我們必須極為努力才能看起來毫不費力，這點相當辛酸。

When, all the while, it's really only ever the revelation of the somewhat embarrassing, sad, melancholy and anxious bits of us, that is what makes us endearing to others, and transforms strangers into friends.

然而，其實一直以來，也都是因為我們向他人展現出自己窘迫，難過、憂鬱、焦慮的樣子，才更會討人喜歡，也才能使陌生人變成朋友

We love bringing you these films.

我們很高興為你帶來這些影片。

If you want to help us to keep bringing you thoughtful content, please consider supporting us by visiting our shop at the link on your screen now.

若你願意協助我們持續帶給你們這些富有啟發性的內容，請考慮拜訪我們現在在螢幕上的商店連結來支持我們。