And welcome to...

歡迎來...

Kombat Courses!

快打課程！

Test your Kombat!

測試你快打！

What?!

什麼？！

No!

沒有！

It's Kombat Courses!

這是快打課程！

No, Test your Kombat's way better! Don't you guys agree?

不，測測你快打的方式更好！你們不同意嗎？

MURDER MECHANICS then!

謀殺力學呢！

Murder Mechan-

謀殺Mechan-

We're not mechanics, how does that make sense?!

我們不是力學，如何有意義？

KILLER KARATE!

KILLER空手道！

Karate?!

空手道？！

Karate sucks!

空手道很爛！

Whatever!

隨你！

All this is..

這一切都是..

Is the tips and techniques that you need to know to defend yourself..

這就是你需要知道保護自己的技巧和技術..

..in the wilderness..

..in曠野..

..and on the streets.

..和街頭。

In case you ever have to deal with someone like this guy.

如果你曾經不得不面對有人喜歡這個傢伙。

If you have to deal with me, you're just F%^#ed.

如果你有對付我，你只是F％^＃ED。

Right.

對。

But anybody else that's lower than me..

但是其他人，這比我低..

This will prepare you for them!

這會為你準備他們！

Right.

對。

So let's just move on to the first one.

因此，讓我們繼續前進到第一個。

Let's see what we got!

讓我們來看看我們得到了什麼！

Lesson 1

第1課

The first thing that you need to know..

你需要知道的第一件事..

as a defense practitioner..

作為防禦醫生..

..Is that you need to know who might attack you first.

..是你需要知道誰可能會先攻擊你。

So you can attack them before they attack you.

因此，他們攻擊你之前，你可以攻擊他們。

Wait what..?!

等待什麼..？！

Yeah!

是啊！

So you need to be really good at judging character.

所以你需要是在判斷性格真的很好。

Okay so anybody you walk by..

好了，任何人你走過..

..If they might be able to attack you, you wanna kill them.

..如果他們也許能攻擊你，你想殺死他們。

You wanna kill them before they attack you?

你想殺死他們，他們攻擊你之前？

Yeah you wanna rip their head off!

是的，你想撕開他們的頭了！

What?

什麼？

IT'S FULL FORCE!

它的全部的力量！

So they don't have any opportunity to possibly hurt you.

所以他們沒有任何機會，可能傷害你。

I don't really..

我真的不..

This isn't even making any sense.

這是連作任何意義。

It does! It makes absolute perfect sense.

它呢！它使絕對完美的意義。

See?!

看到？！

Alright so next up!

好吧，等下次了！

Let's just say I'm waiting for the bus right?

讓我們只說我在等公交車嗎？

Just minding my own business..

只是自掃門前雪我自己的事..

Bus..

總線..

..waiting is an asshole.

..waiting是一個混蛋。

..with my drink here alright?

..with我喝這裡好嗎？

So..

所以..

But the problem here is..

但這裡的問題是...

..Is that this is no longer frozen.

..是，這已不再凍結。

There's no ice in it.

有沒有在它沒有冰。

It's just completely just water now.

這只是完全剛才水。

And I've used up all of my special bar.

而我用了我所有的特殊吧。

I've used up all of my ice moves..

我用了我所有的冰動作..

It's a hot day ya know?

這是一個炎熱的一天你知道？

But what you need to make sure that you do, is to always bring ice in your back pocket just in case.

但是，你需要確保你做什麼，就是要始終把冰在你的後面的口袋，以防萬一。

That way you can make sure that your drink is always cold!

這種方式可以確保您的飲料永遠是冷！

See! Problem solved!

看到！問題解決了！

Now, you're probably wondering, what does this have to do with self defense?

現在，你可能想知道，這是什麼都與自衛呢？

And I'll tell ya, it has EVERYTHING to do with self defense!

我會告訴你，它的一切做自衛！

See he doesn't like that one bit!

見他不喜歡這些，一點！

Okay. The next technique..

好的。接下來的技術..

..that you will need to know..

..that你需要知道..

..is how to defend that damn haymaker.

..是如何保衛那個該死的乾草。

Right.

對。

I HATE that thing!

我討厭這樣的事情！

Everybody is always defending it on those videos..

每個人都始終捍衛它的視頻..

So we have to do it too.

因此，我們必須做到這一點。

So I'll go ahead and throw the haymaker, alright?

所以，我會繼續前進，扔乾草，好嗎？

He's gonna throw a haymaker at me.

他會朝我扔一個乾草。

I'm gonna throw a haymaker.

我會扔乾草。

And I'm gonna show you what to do.

而且我要告訴你該怎麼做。

Okay, prepare to defend yourself against his haymaker strike.

好了，準備捍衛自己對他的乾草罷工。

Here it comes!

它來了！

Alright..

好的..

So now that the haymaker is coming in full speed..

所以，現在的乾草在全速未來..

..which he's doing right now..

..這他在做現在..

..umm..you have time to eat some noodles..

..umm..you時間吃麵條..

You have time to check your Facebook.

你有時間來檢查你的Facebook。

Or whatever social media sites you got..

或者你有什麼社交媒體網站..

And then you can just calmly just kinda step out of the way real quick.

然後你可以只是平靜地只是有點走出的真正的快速路。

Like that.

像那樣。

And then as he's leaning forward like this..

然後，因為他身體前傾這樣的..

..like an asshole.

..like一個混蛋。

You can punch him straight in the face like that.

你可以打他筆直的臉像。

That's all you do!

這就是你做的！

That's it!

而已！

Then he falls down..

然後，他倒下..

..and then you do a fatality.

..和那你就一人死亡。

It's very rare to do a fatality while they're actually laying down.

這是非常罕見做到一人死亡，而他們實際上放下。

For some reason they have to get back up and then get dizzy..

出於某種原因，他們必須重新站起來，然後弄暈..

Like this.

喜歡這個。

And then you can do it!

然後你就可以做到這一點！

I recommend something with a spear..

我推薦的東西用長矛..

or uh..decapitation.

或uh..decapitation。

The next technique!

接下來的技術！

What do we got?

我們究竟得到了什麼？

This is the one that tops them all!

這是超過所有這一切的人！

In defense..

在防守中..

The one thing that you need to have..

有一件事，你需要有..

What?

什麼？

..Is Iron Body.

..是鐵的身體。

Iron body? What do you mean by that?

鐵的身體？你是什​​麼意思？

Okay, so..if you're like me..

好吧，so..if你像我一樣..

..which, you kinda have to be.

..這，你還挺必須如此。

Anyway!

無論如何！

You toughen your bones..

你鍛煉你的骨頭..

..And you toughen your skin..

..和你鍛煉你的皮膚..

..to withstand any attack!

..to抵禦任何攻擊！

So they hurt their hands on you.

因此，他們傷害了他們的手在你身上。

Well how do you do that though?

那麼你怎麼做，雖然？

Okay!

好的！

So first of all you have to lay down..

所以首先你必須放下..

..in a steel mill.

..in一個鋼鐵廠。

Okay?

好的？

Find a steel mill within your area.

尋找你的區域內的鋼鐵廠。

Google it..

去谷歌上查詢..

Whatever!

隨你！

Okay and then lay down on the floor next to one of those..

好了，然後躺在地板上旁邊的其中之一..

..next to one of their trestle things.

..next到他們的棧橋的事情之一。

Yeah, they have like a mine cart..

是的，他們有一個像我的車..

..that they put molten steel in, okay?

..that他們把，好鋼？

And then..

接著..

What you do is lay under it, and then you pour it on yourself.

你要做的就是在它之下外行，然後倒在自己。

Okay..

好的..

Now the trick is not to die from that!

現在的伎倆是不是從死！

Oh really? Really!

真的嗎？真！

If you die from that, you kinda fail at that point of the technique.

如果從死了，你還挺失敗的技術這一點。

But..

但..

..if you succeed..

你成功了..如果..

..and it fuses with your epidermis..

..和它與你的皮膚融合..

..like me..

..像我..

..then you will be invulnerable to most attacks.

..then你將無敵於大多數攻擊。

You're having armor as your skin.

你有裝甲你的皮膚。

Okay well lets see it then!

奧凱以及讓我們看看它呢！

Lets see how amazing..with all this training you've been doing.

讓我們看看如何amazing..with這一切的訓練，你一直在做。

Okay!

好的！

What's this mean?

這是什麼意思？

You can hit them with your arm.

你可以用你的手臂打他們。

AHH GOD!

AHH GOD！

You can hit them with your..

你可以用你打他們..

..with your legs.

..with你的腿。

I'm trying to get up!

我試圖站起來！

You can hit them with your face even!

你可以用你的臉打他們甚至！

Kano does that a lot!

卡諾做了很多！

OW

OW

And if they attack you back..

如果他們攻擊你回來..

..then just like if he punches me and I don't wanna move...

..then就像如果他出拳我，我不想動......

Stop. Stop.

停止。停止。

You can just go like this..

你可以去這樣的..

..and the bone will shoot out the back of his arm.

..和骨骼將拍攝他的手臂回來。

So you shouldn't do that.

所以，你不應該這樣做。

So what if you angle the hand a little bit different so the bone shoots out the back of the arm and also goes through my chest?

所以，如果你的角度不同的那麼一點點的骨芽出手臂的背面，還用手去通過什麼我的胸口？

Wouldn't that be a way of amping it up guys?!

那不是功放起來的傢伙的方式？

Okay!

好的！

He just topped my technique a little bit.

他只是突破我的技術一點點。

Right!

對！

The student has become the teacher!

學生已經成為老師！

I'm gonna call you grasshopper.

我會打電話給你的螞蚱。

Try and get the pebble out of my hand!

嘗試並獲得卵石從我手裡！

There's no pebble in your hand!

還有你手裡沒有鵝卵石！

Exactly! You fail.

究竟！你失敗了。

Alright!

好的！

You see it all the time..

你看這一切的時候..

It pisses me off!

這讓我懊惱！

What pisses you off?

什麼尿尿你了嗎？

The straight choke!

直嗆！

The straight choke? Oh you mean..

直嗆？哦，你的意思..

It never happens.

它從未發生過。

..like this?

..喜歡這個？

That one.

那個。

That one!

那個！

You see it in-

你看它IN-

Even with two hands.

甚至用兩隻手。

Oh yeah.

哦耶。

They do these a lot.

他們做這些了很多。

Especially if you're a woman and you're in a movie on the floor.

特別是如果你是一個女人，你在一部電影在地板上。

That's just..what they do.

這就是他們做just..what。

Alright so what do you do to get out of this?

好吧所以你是做什麼來擺脫這種？

Well you don't do this..

嗯，你不這樣做..

You don't do any of this..

你沒有做任何的這個..

You don't play with his face.

你不跟他的臉上打。

You don't try-

你不試戴

It especially wouldn't work on me, if he's trying to pick my nose he can't even do it.

這尤其是不會對我的工作，如果他試圖挑我的鼻子，他甚至不能做到這一點。

No! Masks basically prevent that from happening, it's impossible.

沒有！面具基本上避免這種情況發生，這是不可能的。

Anyway..

無論如何..

..what you do like an infant would do..

你喜歡..what嬰兒會做..

Uh huh.

嗯。

..is you grab the thumbs like that and you pull them.

..是你搶一樣，大拇指和你拉他們。

OW!

OW！

That's all you have to do!

這就是你需要做的！

OWWW

OWWW

That's all you have to do.

這就是你必須做的。

AHH Stop pulling my thumbs!

AHH別拉我的大拇指！

Or you can put them back so he'll stop screaming like a girl.

或者你可以把它們放回去，所以他將停止尖叫像一個女孩。

I'm sorry about that girls, you don't scream like him.

我對女孩，你不尖叫像他這樣的遺憾。

He's worse, he screams like a shih tzu.

他更糟糕的是，他的尖叫聲就像一個西施。

Anyway here!

反正在這裡！

What!?

什麼！？

This is for all you five year olds watching..

這是所有你五歲看..

..hopefully you're not watching.

..hopefully你不看。

But anyway..

但不管怎麼說..

So I'm going into the position!

所以我要到位置！

I'm gonna choke him out for what he said to me!

我要去嗆他出去什麼，他對我說！

Yeah ok!

是啊OK！

So this is like 100 pounds?

所以，這就像100磅？

100 and..?

100和..？

No no no no no!

無無無無無！

This is like 350 pounds!

這就像350磅！

350 pounds.

350磅。

I've been working out!

我已經工作了！

350 pounds and I'm like 5..

350磅，我很喜歡5 ..

..so what is that?

..所以那是什麼？

60..

60 ..

5?

5？

No no no no no no no!

無無無無無無無！

That's a lot bigger than that.

這是比大很多。

Okay, anyway.

好吧，反正。

Okay what are you gonna do?

好吧那你打算怎麼辦？

Alright so what you do is ya know the rainbow thing.

好吧，所以你要做的就是你知道彩虹的事情。

Rainbow..?

彩虹..？

Yeah! Yeah.

是啊！是啊。

It goes..

它不用..

..you go..

..你去..

Hey look a rainbow!

嘿，看彩虹！

And then it stops.

然後它停止。

Alright.

好的。

Yeah. You do the "Hey look! A Rainbow!"

是啊。你做的“嗨，瞧！彩虹！”

And then..

接著..

And then he stops choking you!

然後他停止窒息了！

And you poke him in the F&$^ing eye!

你捅了他在F＆$ ^ ING眼球！

What now?

現在怎麼辦？

You just said no.

你剛才說沒有。

I said are you sure, and you said no.

我說你確定，你說沒有。

You can't deform a deformation.

你可以不變形變形。

Yeah you can!

是的，你可以！

It sounded like you were in there and he was doing uh..Pee Wee Herman and you were just watchin.

這聽起來像是你在那裡，他在做uh..Pee凌晨赫爾曼，你只是在看著。

Yeah he was doing the dance!

是啊，他是做舞蹈！

What?

什麼？

The dance!

舞蹈！

What dance? Show me!

什麼舞？給我看！

NO

沒有

Please?

請？

I will never do that.

我永遠不會做。

Come on just once!

來吧只有一次！

Okay!

好的！

One time for them!

有一次他們！

He was doing..

他在做..

..doing that.

..doing這一點。

Oh!

哦!

I can't believe you just did that!

我不能相信你只是做了！

Shit!

拉屎！

F*%$ you!

F *％$你！

Oh that's gonna be all over instagram!

噢，那會是全國各地的Instagram！

The next technique is called slap Sub-Zero silly.

接下來的技術被稱為巴掌Sub-Zero的傻。

Here we go.

開始了。

Don't do the Pee Wee Herman dance ladies and gentlemen.

不要做小便一點點赫爾曼舞女士們，先生們。

Do the Carlton!

做卡爾頓！

Yeah it's this.

沒錯這就是這一點。

Well that's the end of this Kombat courses ladies and gentlemen!

嗯，這是該課程快打女士們，先生們到底！

NO!

沒有！

This concludes Test your Kombat..

就這樣結束測試你快打..