last year which went under a rather dramatic heading.

去年，它的標題頗具戲劇性。

It was called, "Why you will marry the wrong person."

這叫 "為什麼你會嫁錯人"。

And perhaps we can just begin -- we're among friends -- by just asking how many of you

也許我們可以開始... 我們是朋友... 問一下你們有多少人？

in the room do feel on balance that you have married the wrong person?

在房間裡，你是否覺得自己嫁錯了人？

[ Laughter ] I mean, where are my friends?

我的意思是，我的朋友在哪裡？

Yeah, a lady there, a couple people there.

是的，一位女士在那裡，幾個人在那裡。

Five, ten.

五，十。

I see 30 people in the room, and so we always have to triple that.

我看到房間裡有30個人，所以我們總是要增加三倍。

[ Laughter ] So there's a pretty hefty majority.

[笑]所以有一個相當高的多數。

But I'm here to give counsel and to give consolation for this situation.

但我是來給這種情況下的勸告和安慰的。

You know, there's a lot of anger around our love lives privately held.

你知道，我們的愛情生活私下裡有很多憤怒。

But a lot of us go around feeling quite enraged, angry privately, about the way that our love

但我們很多人都會覺得很憤怒，私下裡對我們的愛情很憤怒。

lives have gone.

生命已經消失了。

My task today is to turn that anger into sadness.

我今天的任務就是把憤怒變成悲傷。

If we -- [ Laughter ]

如果我們 - [笑]

If we manage to turn rage into grief, we will have made psychological progress.

如果我們能夠化憤怒為悲傷，我們就會在心理上取得進步。

And this is the task today.

這就是今天的任務。

What lies behind rage very often is an unusual quality because we tend to think that very

憤怒的背後往往隱藏著一種不同尋常的品質，因為我們往往認為，非常的

angry people are sort of dark and pessimistic characters.

生氣的人都是那種陰暗悲觀的人物。

Absolutely not.

絕對不是。

Scratch the surface of any regularly angry person and you will find a wild optimist.

刮開任何一個經常生氣的人的表面，你會發現一個狂熱的樂觀主義者。

It is, in fact, hope that drives rage.

其實，是希望促使憤怒。

Think of the person who screams every time they can't find their house keys or every

想想那些每次找不到房子鑰匙就尖叫的人，或者每次

time they get stuck in traffic.

他們被堵在路上的時候。

These unfortunate characters are evincing a curious but reckless faith in a world in

這些不幸的人物在這個世界上表現出一種好奇但不計後果的信念，在這個世界上。

which keys never go astray, the roads to mysteriously traffic-free.

哪些鑰匙永遠不會走錯路，通往神祕的無交通的道路。

It is hope that is turbo charging their rage.

這是希望，是渦輪增壓他們的憤怒。

So if we are to get a little bit less sad and -- a little less angry about our love

所以，如果我們要得到一點點 少一點悲傷和 - 少一點憤怒 我們的愛情。

lives, we will have to diminish some of our hopes.

生活，我們將不得不減少一些希望。

It's very hard to diminish hope around love because there are vast industries designed

圍繞著愛情的希望是很難減少的，因為有大量的工業設計

to inflate our expectations of love.

來膨脹我們對愛情的期望。

There's a wonderful quote from the German philosopher Theodor Adorno who in the 1960s

德國哲學家西奧多-阿多諾有一句話說得很好，他在20世紀60年代的時候

said the most dangerous man in America was Walt Disney.

說美國最危險的人是華特-迪士尼。

And the reason for his attack on Walt was because he believed that Walt was the prime

而他攻擊沃特的原因，是因為他認為沃特是首要的

agent of hope and, therefore, of rage and, therefore, of bitterness.

希望的代理人，是以，憤怒的代理人，是以，痛苦的代理人。

And he thought that it was the task of philosophy to let us down gently, which is what I'm going

而他認為，哲學的任務就是讓我們輕輕地放下，這就是我要做的事情

to be doing today.

今天要做的。

So remember the theme of the talk, "Why you will marry the wrong person."

所以，請記住本次講座的主題，"為什麼你會嫁錯人"。

There are a number of reasons why this is going to happen to you or has maybe already

有很多原因會發生在你身上，或者可能已經發生了。

in the privacy of your heart happened to you.

在你的內心深處，你發生的隱私。

I should say that it's not that bad.

應該說也不差。

And the reason is that all of us will not manage to find the right person, but we will

原因是，我們所有人都不會設法找到合適的人，但我們會。

probably all of us manage to find a good-enough person.

可能我們所有人都能找到一個足夠好的人。

And that's success as you will come to see.

而這就是成功，你會看到的。

[ Laughter ] One of the reasons why we are not going to

[笑]的原因之一，為什麼我們不打算。

be able to pull this one hope as successfully as we might have hoped at the early -- at

能夠成功地實現這一希望，因為我們可能希望在早期 -- -- 在早期 -- -- 的時候。

the outset of our teenage hurdle when we were contemplating love is that we are very strange.

當我們在思考愛情的時候，一開始的青春期障礙就是我們很奇怪。

I'm very strange, and you're very strange.

我很奇怪，你也很奇怪。

You don't let on.

你不要讓人知道。

We're not going to do anything very dangerous, but we are basically psychologically quite

我們不會做什麼很危險的事情，但是我們基本上心理上是相當的

strange.

陌生的。

We don't normally know very much about this strangeness.

我們平時對這種陌生感瞭解不多。

It takes us a long, long time before we are really on top of the way in which we are hard

我們要花很長很長的時間，才能真正掌握自己的硬性方式。

to live with.

與之共存。

Does anyone in this room think that they're quite easy to live with on balance?

在座的有誰覺得他們在平衡上很容易相處嗎？

Yeah?

是嗎？

Oh, my goodness.

哦，我的天啊

Okay.

好吧，我知道了

I don't want to be rude, but please come see me afterwards.

我不想無禮，但請你以後來見我。

[ Laughter ] I know -- I know that you're not easy to live

[笑]我知道 - 我知道你是不容易的生活

with.

與：

And the reason is that you're Homo sapiens and, therefore, you are not easy to live with.

而原因是，你是智人，所以，你不容易相處。

No one is.

沒有人是。

But there's a wall of silence that surrounds us from a deeper acquaintance with what is

但有一堵沉默的牆，圍繞著我們，從更深的認識到什麼是

actually so difficult about us.

其實我們這麼困難。

Our friends don't want to tell us.

我們的朋友不想告訴我們。

Why would they bother?

他們為什麼要這麼做？

They just want a pleasant evening out.

他們只是想要一個愉快的夜晚

Our friends know more about us and more about our flaws.

我們的朋友更瞭解我們，更瞭解我們的缺點。

Probably after ten minutes' acquaintance, a stranger will know more about your flaws

可能經過十分鐘的瞭解，一個陌生人會更瞭解你的缺點

than you might learn over 40 years of life on the planet.

比你在地球上40年的生命經歷還要多。

Our capacity to intuit what is wrong with us is very weak.

我們的直覺能力是非常弱的。

Our parents don't tell us very much.

我們的父母沒有告訴我們太多。

Why would they?

為什麼會這樣？

They love us too much.

他們太愛我們了。

They know.

他們知道。

They conceived.

他們懷孕了。

Of course, they followed us from the crib.

當然，他們從搖籃裡跟著我們。

They know what's wrong with us.

他們知道我們的問題所在。

They're not going to tell us.

他們不會告訴我們。

[ Laughter ] They just want to be sweet.

[笑] 他們只是想成為甜蜜。

And our ex-lovers, a vital source of knowledge.

而我們的前戀人，是知識的重要來源。

They know.

他們知道。

Absolutely they know.

他們當然知道。

[ Laugher ] But do you remember that speech that they

但你還記得他們的演講嗎？

gave?

給了？

It was moving at the time when they said that they wanted a little space and were attracted

當時他們說想要一點空間，被吸引的時候很感動

to travel and were interested in the culture of southeast Asia.

旅行，並對東南亞的文化感興趣。

Nonsense.

胡說八道

They thought lots of things were wrong with but they weren't going to be bothered to tell

他們認為很多事情都是錯的，但他們不會去說。

you.

你。

They were just out of there.

他們剛從那裡出來。

Why would they bother?

他們為什麼要這麼做？

So this knowledge that is out there is not in you.

所以外面的這個知識，不是在你身上。

It's out there, but it's not in you.

它在那裡，但它不在你身上。

And so, therefore, we progress through the world with a very -- a low sense of what is

是以，是以，我們通過世界的進步與一個非常 - 一個低的意識是什麼。

actually wrong with us.

其實我們錯了。

Not least all of us are addicts.

更何況我們所有人都是癮君子。

Almost all of us are addicts, not injecting heroin as such but addicts in the sense we

我們幾乎所有的人都是癮君子，不是注射海洛因這樣的，而是我們意義上的癮君子。

need to redefine what addiction is.

需要重新定義什麼是成癮。

I like to define addiction not in terms of the substance you're taking.

我喜歡定義成癮，而不是以你所服用的物質來定義。

In other words, I'm a heroin addict.

換句話說，我是個海洛因癮君子。

I'm a cocaine addict.

我是個可卡因癮君子。

No.

不知道

Addiction is basically any pattern of behavior whereby you cannot stand to be with yourself

成癮基本上是任何行為模式，你無法忍受與自己在一起。

and sort of the more uncomfortable thoughts and, more importantly, emotions that come

和排序的更多的不舒服的想法，更重要的是，情緒，來了

from being on your own.

從獨自一人。

And so, therefore, you can be addicted to almost anything so long as it keeps you away

所以，是以，你可以沉迷於幾乎所有的東西，只要它能讓你遠離。

from yourself, as long as it keeps you away from tricky self-knowledge.

從自己身上，只要能讓你遠離棘手的自知之明。

And most of us are addicts.

而我們大多數人都是癮君子。

Thanks to all sorts of technologies and distractions, et cetera, we can have a good life where we

多虧了各種技術和干擾，等等，我們可以有一個好的生活，我們可以在那裡。

will almost certainly be guaranteed not to spend any time with ourselves except maybe

幾乎可以肯定的是，我們不會花任何時間和自己在一起，也許除了

for certain kind of airlines still don't have the gadgets to distract us.

對於某些種類的航空公司來說，仍然沒有小工具來分散我們的注意力。

But otherwise, you can be guaranteed you don't have to talk to yourself.

但除此之外，可以保證你不用自言自語。

And this is a disaster for your capacity to have a relationship with another person because

這對你與他人交往的能力來說是一場災難，因為...

until you know yourself, you can't properly relate to another person.

在你瞭解自己之前，你無法正確地與他人交往。

One of the reasons why love is so tricky for us is that it requires us to do something

愛情之所以對我們來說如此棘手，其中一個原因是它需要我們去做一些事情

we really don't want to do, which is to approach another human being and say "I need you.

我們真正不想做的，就是接近另一個人，說 "我需要你"。

I wouldn't really survive without you.

沒有你，我真的活不下去。

I'm vulnerable before you."

我在你面前很脆弱。"

And there's a very strong impasse in all of us to be strong and to be well-defended and

而且我們大家都有一個很強的僵局，就是要堅強，要有很好的防守和

not to reveal our vulnerability to another person.

不把自己的脆弱暴露給別人。

Psychologists talk of two patterns of response that tend to crop up in people whenever there

心理學家談到，每當有以下兩種反應模式，往往會在人們身上出現

is a danger of needing to be extremely vulnerable, dangerously vulnerable, and exposed to another

是一種需要極度脆弱的危險，危險的脆弱，並暴露在另一

person.

的人。

The first response is to get what psychologists call anxiously attached.

第一個反應是得到心理學家所說的焦急的附和。

Attachment theory, some of you may know.

附件理論，有些人可能知道。

So when you are anxiously attached to somebody, rather than saying, "I need you,I depend on

所以，當你焦急地依附於某人時，與其說 "我需要你，我依賴你"，不如說 "我需要你"。

you," you start to get very procedural.

你"，你開始變得非常程序化。

You say, "You are ten minutes late," or, "The bin bags need to be taken out."

你說 "你遲到了十分鐘 "或者 "垃圾袋要拿出來"。

Or you start to get strict when actually what you want to do is to ask a very poignant question:

或者你開始變得嚴格，其實你想做的是問一個很尖銳的問題。

Do you still care about me?

你還在乎我嗎？

But we don't dare to ask that question, so instead we get nasty.

但我們不敢問這個問題，所以反而很討厭。

We get stiff.

我們變得僵硬。

We get procedural.

我們得到的是程序性的。

The other thing -- the other pattern of behavior, which psychologists have identified -- and

另一件事... 另一種行為模式，心理學家已經確定了... ...

it tends to apply to people who are in this room, in other words, A types, very outgoing

它往往適用於這個房間裡的人，換句話說，A型，很外向的人

types, strivers -- you become in relationships -- tell me if I'm wrong, you become what is

類型，奮鬥者 - 你成為在關係 - 告訴我，如果我錯了，你成為什麼是。

known as avoidant, which means that when you need someone, it's precisely at that moment

稱為迴避型，也就是說，當你需要某個人的時候，恰恰是在那個時候。

that you pretend you don't.

你假裝你不知道。

When you feel more vulnerable, you say, "I'm quite busy at the moment.

當你覺得比較脆弱的時候，你就會說："我現在挺忙的。

I'm fine.

我很好

Thanks.

謝謝你

I'm busy today."

我今天很忙。"

In other words, you don't reveal the need for another person, which sets them off into

換句話說，你不透露別人的需求，會讓他們陷入

a chain of wondering whether you are to be trusted.

一連串的懷疑自己是否值得信任。

And it's then a cycle of low trust.

然後就是一個低信任度的循環。

So we get into these patterns of not daring to do the thing that we really need to do,

所以我們就會陷入這些模式，不敢去做我們真正需要做的事情。

which is to say even though I'm a grown person, maybe I have got a beard, maybe I have been

這就是說，即使我是一個成年人，也許我有鬍子，也許我已經有了鬍子，也許我已經

alive for a long time, I'm 6'2", et cetera, I'm actually a small child inside and I need

活了很久，我一米六二的身高，等等，其實我內心是個小孩子，我需要。

you like a small child would need its parent.

你就像一個小孩子需要它的父母一樣。

This is so humbling that most of us refuse to make that step and, therefore, refuse the

這是如此的謙卑，以至於我們大多數人都拒絕邁出這一步，是以，拒絕了。

challenge of love.

愛的挑戰。

In short, we don't know very much how to love.

總之，我們不太懂得如何去愛。

And it sounds very odd because imagine somebody said, look, all of us probably in this room

這聽起來很奇怪，因為想象有人說，你看，我們所有的人可能在這個房間裡。

would probably need to go to a school of love.

可能需要去愛的學校。

We think, What?

我們想，什麼？

A school of love?

愛的學校？

Love is just an instinct.

愛只是一種本能。

No, it's not.

不，它不是。

It's a skill, and it's a skill that needs to be learned.

這是一種技能，也是一種需要學習的技能。

And it's a skill that our society refuses to consider as a skill.

而我們的社會卻拒絕將其視為一種技能。

We are meant to always just follow our feelings.

我們是要永遠只跟著感覺走的。

If you keep following your feelings, you will almost certainly make a big mistake in your

如果你一直跟著感覺走，你幾乎肯定會犯一個大錯誤，在你的

life.

生命。

What is love?

什麼是愛？

Ultimately love, I believe, is something -- first of all, there is a distinction between loving

最終，我相信，愛是一種東西 -- -- 首先，愛和愛之間是有區別的。

and being loved.

和被愛。

We all start off in life by knowing a lot about being loved.

我們在人生的開始，都會懂得很多被愛的道理。

Being loved is the fun bit.

被愛才是最有趣的一點。

That's when somebody brings you something on a tray and asks you how your day at school

那就是有人給你端來盤子裡的東西，問你今天在學校裡過得怎麼樣

went, et cetera.

去，等等。

And we grow up thinking that that's what is going to happen in an adult relationship.

而我們從小就認為，這就是成人關係中會發生的事情。

We can be forgiven for that.

我們可以原諒這一點。

It's an ununderstandable mistake, but it's a very tragic mistake.

這是一個不可理解的錯誤，但這是一個非常悲慘的錯誤。

And it leads us not to pay attention to the other side of the equation, which is to love.

而導致我們沒有注意到方程式的另一面，那就是愛。

What does it really mean "to love"?

"愛 "到底是什麼意思？

To love ultimately is to have the willingness to interpret someone's on the surface not

愛歸根結底是要有意願去詮釋一個人表面上的不

very appealing behavior in order to find more benevolent reasons why it may be unfolding.

非常吸引人的行為，以便找到更多的良性原因，可能展開。

In other words, to love someone is to apply charity and generosity of interpretation.

換句話說，愛一個人，就是要運用仁愛和慷慨的解釋。

Most of us are in dire need of love because actually we need to be -- we need to have

我們大多數人都急需愛，因為實際上我們需要... 我們需要有...

some slack cut for us because our behavior is often so tricky that if we don't do this,

因為我們的行為往往很狡猾，如果我們不這樣做，就會給我們帶來一些懈怠。

we wouldn't get through any kind of relationship.

我們不會得到通過任何類型的關係。

But we're not used to thinking that that is the core of what love is.

但我們不習慣認為這才是愛情的核心。

Core of what love is, is the willingness to interpret another's behavior.

愛的核心，是願意詮釋他人的行為。

What we tend to be very bad at is recognizing that anyone that we can love is going to be

我們傾向於非常糟糕的是認識到我們能愛的人都會是。

a perplexing mixture of the good and the bad.

良莠不齊的混合體

There's a wonderful psychoanalyst called Melanie Klein, who was active in the '50s and '60s,

有一個很棒的精神分析學家叫梅蘭妮-克萊因，她活躍在50年代和60年代。

originally from Vienna, active in North London studying how children learned about relationships

原籍維也納，活躍在北倫敦，研究兒童如何學習關係。

from the parental situation.

從父母的情況來看。

And she came up with a very fascinating analysis.

而她得出的分析非常精彩。

She argued that when children are small, very small, they don't really realize that a parent

她認為，當孩子很小很小的時候，他們並沒有真正意識到父母

is one character.

是一個字元。

They actually do what she called split a parent into a good parent and a bad parent.

其實他們做的是她所謂的把一個家長抽成好家長和壞家長。

And so this is when a baby is really at an infant stage.

所以這時的寶寶才是真正的嬰兒階段。

So what you do is you split into the good mother or -- and the bad mother.

所以，你要做的是，你分裂成好母親或 - 和壞母親。

And it takes a long, long time.

而且需要很長很長的時間。

Melanie Klein thought it might be until you are 4 until you actually realize that the

梅蘭妮-克萊恩認為，可能要等到你4歲的時候，才會真正意識到。

good and the bad mother are one person and you become ambivalent.

好媽媽和壞媽媽是一個人，你會變得很矛盾。

In other words, you become able to hate someone and really go off them and at the same time

換句話說，你變得能夠恨一個人，真的去關閉他們，同時

also love them and you are able not to run away from that situation.

也愛他們，你能夠不逃避這種情況。

You are able to say, "I love someone and hate them and that's okay."

你能夠說："我愛一個人，恨一個人，沒關係。"

And Melanie Klein thought this was an immense psychological achievement when we can no longer

而梅蘭妮-克萊因認為這是一個巨大的心理成就，當我們不能再

merely divide people into absolutely brilliant, perfect, marvelous and hateful, let me down,