throw my pants across the room,

put my feet up, watch nine hours

of Top Chef, and ain't no one gets to say

a goddamned thing.

You want to know why, Ned?

Want to know why?

- Why?

- 'Cause I live alone!

- [Ned] Hi, I'm Ned and I'm married.

- [Voiceover] I'm Kelsey and I'm super single.

- You've submitted relationship questions.

We are not qualified to answer them.

- But we're gonna anyways.

- How to live with other people.

- How to jail yourself up.

Size into a bubble.

- Kelsey!

- How to limit yourself.

- What?

Have you ever had someone cook dinner for you?

- No.

Why'd you have to bring that up?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I walk into the room, throw my pants

across the room, and my wife says,

"Damn, that booty looks good."

We talk about our day, share our feelings with each other.

- When do you ever get to just

jerk it while no one's watching?

(laughing)

- I don't, you know, that--

- You don't!

When I'm at home alone, I'm drinkin'

like no one's watching, you bet your ass

I'm masturbating like no ones watching.

You can't do that when you live with someone.

- No, you're right.

People are watching.

Which sometimes, is half the fun.

- Ah, my eyes!

- You don't need to masturbate

because you're having sex all the time.

- Hey, I have sex all the time too

and I live alone.

Hey, am I right?

And I get the bed to myself.

Wedded,

- [Both] And spread out.

- The only reason I would move in with someone ever.

- Yes?

- Is to split the rent.

- Whoa, oh no.

- The only downside to living alone

is you gotta pay for everything

unless you steal your ex-boyfriend's HBO Go password.

- Yeah!

My and my wife stole my ex-girlfriend's HBO Go password.

- Gobsmacked!

If I don't want to go somewhere, guess what?

I turn my phone off and I just

pretend I died.

(laughing)

I live in an apartment so I wouldn't think

about moving in with someone

until I had enough space to be like,

"That's your side of the house,

"this is my side of the house."

- Definitely having space helps.

Like sometimes, I just go into the back yard

and just like putter.

- Are you sure you like living with your wife?

(laughing)

- I have learned a lot about good skincare,

good haircare, good moisturizing routine.

Do you know that I moisturize?

- That's a good point.

When I look up in the mirror everyday

at my outfit, I'm like, "I don't know."

- Look, we may disagree on this one,

but what we do agree on is coming home,

throwing your pants off, and getting

a big bottle of white wine.

- Just, just.

- And you know, just masturbate, sex someone up.

- Sexually. - [Ned] Just like,

just get yourself off.

- Masturbating is super healthy.

(upbeat music)