who have asked me how I'm super calm,

都問我我是如何保持冷靜

I've got everything under control...

如何讓一切都在掌控之中

And I just wanted to say,

我只想說：

"Oh my God, you guys, are you serious?"

「我的老天，你們是認真的嗎？」

We are going to set the record straight right now.

我們現在就來把話說清楚好了

I lose my shit!

我也是會抓狂的！

I lose my shit every single morning,

每個早上

when it's time to leave the house but nobody can find their shoes.

出門前總有人找不到鞋子時，我就會抓狂

People! What are you doing with your shoes?

拜託！你是能把鞋子放到哪？

Just leave them next to the door in the evening

晚上回家後就把鞋放在門旁

and then you'll find them in the morning!

隔天早上它們就還是躺在那裡啊！

This by the way includes my husband.

順便提一下我先生也常找不到鞋子

I lose my shit when I'm sitting on the toilet trying to take a dump

每當我坐在馬桶上醞釀著要大號時

and I've got three little kids and a dog staring at me,

我的三個孩子，加上愛犬，都盯著我看的時候也會抓狂

"What are you doing?"

「你在幹麻？」

"I'm taking a dump."

「我在便便」

"Why?"

「為什麼？」

"Because I need to poop."

「因為我需要便便」

"Why?"

「為什麼？」

"Because I had a meal a few hours ago and my body has digested the food and now it's coming out in the form of shit."

「因為幾個小時前我吃了飯，我的身體消化了食物，現在它們必須以便便的形式排出」

"Why?"

「為什麼？」

"I don't have any more information but if you want, we can google it."

「我不知道該如何跟你說了，但如果你願意，我們可以問問谷歌大神」

"Why?"

「為什麼？」

Hahaha...

哈哈哈...

I lose my shit when we're in the car on our way somewhere 30 minutes late

每次只要開車出門，大概過了半個小時

and somebody remembers that they need to wee.

突然有人想在半路上廁所，我就會發飆

I asked you 20 times before we left the house if you need to wee, you said you didn't.

出門前我問你 20 次要不要尿尿，你說你不需要

So now you're going to have to cross your legs, squeeze real tight cuz we are not going back.

你現在就必須給我好好憋住，因為我們絕對不會回頭

I lose my shit when it takes my three-year-old 45 minutes to finish a piece of toast.

我三歲的小孩每次都得花上 45 分鐘才吃完一片吐司，我也會徹底瘋掉

This is not caviar, you don't need to savor every single bite you're taking, just eat your toast!

這又不是魚子醬，你不需要細細品嘗，給我好好吃掉你的吐司！

I lose my shit when I ask my dear husband to do something and he doesn't do it.

每當我請我親愛的先生做件事，但他沒做，我也會抓狂

Six months down the line I ask him again and he tells me that I'm nagging.

六個月過後我再問他，但他卻說我很囉唆，這更讓我火山爆發

I lose my shit when I hear the word "snack".

每當我聽到「點心」這個字就會很不爽

Snack! Can we have snack? I want a snack!

點心！我們能吃點心嗎？我要吃點心！

Snack, snack snack...500 times a day!

點心、點心、點心...一天給我講上五百遍！

I lose my shit when it's 8 pm and I've had a long day.

一整天忙完，到了晚上八點，又是另一個崩潰的開始

I've been to work.

我上了班

I've cooked dinner.

煮了晚餐

I've done three loads of laundry.

洗了三回的衣服

I've taken the dog out.

遛了狗

I've wiped butts.

清理小孩的屁屁

I've helped with homework.

教他們寫功課

I've read books.

唸故事書給他們聽

I've checked for monsters behind the curtain.

確定窗簾後面沒有怪物

I've left the light on.

留了小夜燈給他們

I've left the door open.

房間門也是開著

And then they come out of the room...

但他們還是從房間跑出來...

I lose my shit!

我會抓狂！

So next time you see any mom, including me,

所以要是下次再看到任何當媽的

who look like they never lose their shit,

表面上看起來不會抓狂，包括我

think again.

你就等著看吧！