I can't believe we've got double English

[sigh] English is well dry!

I don't see what's so great about readin anyways!

No, readin's for LOSERS! [laughter]

Innit though?? [sucks teeth] At least we've got a new teacher today.

Yeah right, that'll be a laugh, won't it?

[door opens] [cheers and applause]

Morning!

Alright [laughter]

As I'm sure you're aware, my name is Mr Logan, I'm your new English teacher, nice to meet you all.

Hope you're all ready to get to grips with some Elizabethan literature!

Let's all turn to page 53 in our poetry textbooks

I think we'll dive straight in with the Bard himself.

Sir?

Yeah?

Are you English, sir?

No, I'm Scottish.

So you ain't English, then?

No, I'm British.

So you ain't English, then?

No, I'm not, but as you can see... I do speak English.

But I can't understand what you're saying, sir. [laughter]

Well, clearly you can.

Sorry, are you talking Scottish now? [laughter]

No, I'm talking English.

Right. Don't sound like it! [laughter]

OK, whatever you want. Now! Let's get on with Shakespeare.

I don't think you're qualified to teach us English!

I am perfectly qualified to teach English.

I don't think you are, though.

You don't have to BE English to teach it.

Right, have we got double English, or double Scottish? [laughter]

Is your name Lauren Cooper, by any chance?

Yeah. [laughter]

Why?

Your reputation precedes you.

Innit though?! [laughter]

So, Shakespeare's sonnets!

Sir?

A sonnet is a poem

Sir?

- Written in 40 lines - Sir?

- the last two of which - Sir?

- must form a rhyming couplet - Sir?

Sir?

Yes, Lauren?

Can I aks you a question?

Not just now.

Can I aks you a question, though?

Just wait.

But can I just aks you a question? I only want to aks you a question. Can't I aks you a question? I'm just aksing you a question. Can't I aksk you a question?

What is it?

Are you the Doctor? [laughter]

[cheering, applause]

Doctor who?

Innit though?! [cheering, applause]

I dunno what you're talking about.

You look like Doctor Who, though!

I'm not Doctor Who, I'm your English teacher!

I don't think you are, though.

Lauren...

I think you're a 945-year-old Time Lord! [laughter]

Listen...

Did you just pitch up from Mars?

Don't be ridiculous.

- You know your house, right? - What?

- You know your house? - Yeah?

Is it bigger on the inside? [laughter]

Be quiet!

Have you parked the Tardis on a meter?

Can we please get back to Shakespeare?

[sucks teeth]

Thank you!

So...

Do you fancy Billie Piper, sir?

Right. [laughter, applause]

You are the most insolent child I have ever had the misfortune to teach.

Thank you. [laughter]

You are pointless, repetitious and extremely dull.

Bit like Shakespeare. [laughter]

You're not even worthy to mention his name.

William Shake - William Shakespeare was a genius. You, little madam, are definitely not.

Now just sit there, keep your mouth shut, or I will fail you in this whole module right now.

[sucks teeth]

[laughter]

Amest I bovver-ed?

[laughter, applause]

What?

Amest I bovver-ed, forsooth?

Lauren...

Looketh at my face!

- I don't... - Looketh at my face!

- Stop it. - Ist this a bovver-ed face thou seest before thee?

Right, I'm calling your parents.

Are you disrespecting the house of Cooper?

Art though calling my mother a pox-ridden wench?

No.

- Art thou calling my father a goodly rotten apple? - Lauren... [laughter]

- But he ain't even a goodly rotten apple. - Listen to me...

- But he aint even a goodly rotten apple, though. - That's enough.

- Face-eth! - Lauren...

- Bovver-ed? - Lauren...

- Look at it! My liege! - Stop! That's it!

- My liege! My liege! My liege! - No! Stop!

- Face-eth! Bovver-ed! Face-eth! - Now! Stop!

- You take the high road and I'll take the low road. - That's it!

I ain't even bovvered! [laughter]

I ain't even bovvered! Look! Face! Bovvered! Face!

Bovver-ed, face, bovver-ed, I ain't even bovver-ed, my liege!

I be not bovver-ed, forsooth, I be not bovver-ed, face, bovvered, I ain't even bovvered.

Face, bovvered, Shakespeare, sonnets, I ain't even bovvered.

My mistress' eyes are nuffin' like the sun

Coral is far more red than her lips red

If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun

If hair be wires, black wires grow on her head

I have seen roses damask, red and white

But no such roses see I in her cheeks

And in some perfume is there more delight

Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks

I love to hear her speak yet well I know that music have a far more pleasing sound

I grant I never saw a goddess go. My mistress when she walks treads on the ground

And yet, by Heaven, I think my love as rare

As any she belies with false compare.

[slams desk] Bite me, alien boi!

[cheers, applause]

[electronic humming]

[pulsing]

[cheering, applause]

That's better! [laughter]

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet! [laughter, groans]

(high-pitched) I still ain't bovvered! [laughter]

[applause, cheering]