I'm so happy today 'cause I finally met a great girl.

Her name is Jessica.

And she's awesome.

And this time it's for real.

Jessica.

JESSICA: Hi, David.

DAVID: Oh my God.

I--

I've been trying to get in touch with you.

I was thinking maybe later you could come over to my house.

And I could pour some Chamblis.

And then we could pull out the shag rug.

And we could watch a movie.

JESSICA: Oh, crap.

Didn't you read my blog?

I broke up with you on yesterday's entry.

I've met somebody else.

His name's Greg Maddox.

GREG: Hey, what's up, man?

JESSICA: Oh.

Bye, David.

DAVID: [SIGHS].

[PHONE RINGING]

DAVID: Hello?

DOCTOR: David, it's your doctor.

I got your test results back.

And it's not good news.

I'm afraid you're dying.

DAVID: [GASPS].

DOCTOR: You've got about 60 years to live, 65 tops.

DAVID: Wha!

DOCTOR: I'm so sorry.

DAVID: [SOBS].

[GASPS].

[GROANS].

[GRUNTS].

This is it.

[WHIMPERS].

This is the final moment.

I am about to pull the trigger, right now.

ANGEL: David, you don't need to do this.

DAVID: Who are you?

ANGEL: I'm your guardian angel, David.

And I've come here to stop you from killing yourself and to

show you what the world would have been like if

you'd never been corn.

DAVID: Never been corn?

ANGEL: Born.

DAVID: Why'd you say corn?

ANGEL: If you'd never been born.

DAVID: I know.

But you said corn.

ANGEL: No, I-- born.

DAVID: It's not an obvious mistake.

I would never think, oh, never been born.

But I'll actually say, never been corn.

For someone to say corn, it's not a mistake.

It's like a written joke.

ANGEL: No-- stop.

[STUTTERS]

Enough, David.

Let's go, shall we?

Come on.

You ready?

DAVID: Hold on a second.

November 1, 1968, that must be the day that I was conceived.

ANGEL: Yeah, yeah.

Just-- just watch.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

DAVID'S DAD: I'm gonna pump you full of goo-goo.

DAVID: Those are my parents.

They look so young.

DAVID'S MOM: Fill me up, you mench.

DAVID: Hey, Mom.

Hey, Dad.

ANGEL: David, they can't hear you.

DAVID: Oh, that's right, both my parents are deaf.

DAVID'S DAD: My matzoh balls are about to burst.

DAVID: Give it to her, Daddy.

DAVID'S DAD: Spew that beautiful bagel butter all

over my punum.

DAVID'S DAD: OK, bubula.

Just put them on top.

DAVID: Wait a second, though.

If my dad shot his load all over my mom's face, then--

then--

ANGEL: That's right, David.

You were never corn.

And it gets worse.

DAVID: Oh my goodness.

It's 1988.

And I'm in my old dorm room at NYU.

And there's my old college chum, Jake.

Hey, Jakey boy!

I haven't seen him in years.

It's the yogurt.

We used to split those yogurt containers so neither of us

would gain too much weight.

[LAUGHS].

Oh, Jake, you're not eating the whole thing.

Why would you do that?

You don't need those calories, Jake.

ANGEL: You're missing the point.

There is no you in Jake's world.

You were never born.

DAVID: Good bye, Jake.

JAKE: See ya later, David.

DAVID: Oh my God.

This is my workplace.

These are my best friends.

ANGEL: Listen, David.

MILES: Hey, what do you guys think about all of us going to

see a movie tonight?

DAVID: Yeah, let's all go, the four of us.

MATT: Yeah, great.

I'll get three tickets.

Because it'll just be the three of us, as usual.

MILES: Perfect.

DAVID: Oh, no.

ZANDY: I don't know.

I'm kind of wiped.

ANGEL: David.

MATT: Well, Zandy, you can just lie down in the back seat

of the car, since there will be no fourth person.

ZANDY: Right.

Ah, I'm loving this life with just the three

of us as best friends.

MILES: [CHUCKLES]

It's a triptych of friends.

ZANDY: A trifecta.

MILES: [CHUCKLES]

It's like a tricycle.

And instead of wheels, there's three friends.

ZANDY: Oh, I get it.

MILES: Wheel friends.

[LAUGHTER]

DAVID: They're miserable without me.

ANGEL: Ready on camera two, and--

[LAUGHTER]

DAVID: Angel.

ANGEL: Yes?

DAVID: What an amazing, epic journey through all the

various people and places in my life.

I realize I have value.

ANGEL: Oh.

DAVID: I want to live.

ANGEL: Oh, wonderful, David darling.

[LAUGHTER]

[SIGHING]

ANGEL: Stop.

DAVID: What?

ANGEL: I--

David, I'm not going to say I haven't thought about it.

You know, I have been curious.

It's-- it's just, I'm seeing someone.

DAVID: Who are you seeing?

ANGEL: You don't know him.

It's none of your business.

DAVID: Maybe I could just touch one boob.

ANGEL: No, stop.

David, stop it.

No.

DAVID: Well, folks, you win some and you lose some.

You know, and it's OK.

It's like, I'm good.

Like, whatev.

Hey.

JESSICA: David.

Hi, again.

GREG: Hey, my man.

Why don't you join us for some clams?

Let's all be friends.

DAVID: Thanks a lot, guys.

I feel--

I feel good.

GREG: Hey, Dave, Dave, Dave--

Dave, listen to me.

I got to ask you, who prepared this swill?

[LAUGHTER]

GREG: This beer is so bad, they should call it shit beer.

[LAUGHTER]

GREG: But I'll drink it anyway.

Because I may not like how it tastes, but I sure like what

it does to me.

[LAUGHTER]

DAVID: You're amazing.

GREG: Jessie's told me so many things about you.

JESSICA: I-- it wasn't too bad.

I mean--

GREG: Although I didn't hear one story.

Something about you taking a dump in the toilet.

[LAUGHTER]

JESSICA: I tell him about when you did that.

SHELLY: I want you to give me another chance.

GREG: We're big fans of the web series.

We watch it on her laptop.

JESSICA: Yeah, we do.

It's so great.