being rather defended, that is, at one remove from are more vulnerable sides

保護、武裝自己，把我們脆弱的部分隱藏起來

closed off from certain emotions focused in many cases on not feeling

不再表現特定情緒，在很多事物上變得不帶情感、不去感覺

and yet in relationships quite the opposite is required to be good at love

但與人交往必須要相反，因為當個會愛人的人

means to have a capacity to reveal one's hurt, desire and tender sides, this is quite

意謂著你必須能揭露自己的傷痛、欲望和脆弱，而這其實

a balancing act

是需要做好平衡的

great strength for most of the day and well handled tenderness for the few that remain.

大部份工作時，你必須充滿毅力，妥善地把溫柔收好，留給少數的人知道

it's no wonder if the journey from independence to vulnerability can get

獨立到脆弱的這段旅程，兩者無疑是相伴的

rather fraught and if the desire for closeness can be accompanied by terror

而若想親密的欲望緊伴隨著恐慌

and what looks like but isn't really, nastiness

會挺糟糕的

even after years with someone that can be a hurdle of fear about trying to get close.

即便與人相處多年，害怕與人親密的「懼離」可能仍存

two major symptoms then tend to show up

兩個主要的症候便可能出現

firstly we can get distant or what psychotherapist call avoidant we want to

首先我們會變得疏離，或是用心靈諮商師的術語「迴避」，我們想要

get close to our partners but feel so anxious that we may be unwanted

和伴侶變得親密，卻同時很害怕我們會被拋棄

we freeze them out a bit instead we say we're busy

我們把他們冰封在外，會說「我在忙」

we pretend our thoughts are elsewhere we imply that a need for reassurance would

我們假裝總在想別的事，暗示確定親近感的必要性

be the last thing on our minds we might even have an affair

絕不是我們的首要之務。我們甚至可能會出軌

the ultimate face-saving attempt to be safely distant and often a perverse

這是最終極的、不會讓人拉不下臉的嘗試，能讓我們得以安全地與人產生距離，但同時也是個倔強的

quest to assert that we don't require the partner's love , a love that we've been

摸索方式，去強調我們不需要伴侶的愛，那個我們太過保留而不敢要求

too reserved to ask for or else we can get controlling what therapist called

的愛。或者我們可能就會變得非常有控制欲，也就是治療師所稱的

anxious

焦慮

we feel our partners are escaping us emotionally and we respond by trying to

當發現伴侶在情緒上迴避我們時，我們會官腔地以咄咄逼人的方式

pin them down administratively

回應他們

we get unduly cross that they're a bit late will chastise

我們會因他們有點晚歸而過度發怒，重重斥責

them heavily for not having done certain chores

他們沒有完成一些家務

we asked them constantly they've completed a task they'd agreed to

我們總是要求他們持續完成某些他們答應會做的事情

undertake all this rather than admit I'm worried I don't matter to you

以上種種，卻不願承認自己其實是「我是擔心你不在乎我了」

we can't we believe force our partner to be generous and warm

我們不能相信逼迫伴侶做個慷慨又溫暖的戀人是沒有錯的

we can't force them to want us even if we haven't actually asked them to

我們不能強迫他們想要擁有我們，即便我們沒有要求

so we try to control them procedurally a tragic cycle that unfolds we become

所以我們在悲劇性的循環中，循序地控制他們。攤開來說，我們其實是變成

shrill and unpleasant to the other person

對伴侶而言，尖銳又不愉悅的存在

it feels that we can't possibly love them anymore

感覺上，我們變得不再可能好好地愛他們了

yet the truth is we do which is fear rather too much that they don't love us but if

然而事實是，我們能的。只是害怕他們不再愛我們的恐懼籠罩了我們，而若

a rather harsh graceless behavior could be truly understood for what it is

換成一種尖銳粗魯的態度，則能被理解為

it would be revealed notice rejection but as a strangely distorted get very

是吸引伴侶注意的方法，非常怪異且扭曲，其實是

real plea for tenderness

一個渴望溫柔的懇求

we should have sympathy for ourselves relationships require us to put

我們應該同情自己，因為感情需要我們把自己放在

ourselves in a very weak position visa fee partners if they ever want to use

一個相對伴侶而言較弱勢的位置，如果他們隨時想要用

the power they have over us (and sometimes they do they know) exactly

權力壓過我們（而且有時候還真的會！）他們絕對知道哪招

where to put the boot in this can be deeply frightening this aspect of

最有效，深深震懾了我們

relationships is even more difficult if our early experiences and childhoods

這種面向有時讓關係的維繫顯得更困難，尤其是我們早先的經歷或幼年

have made closeness rather scary if we've encountered people who have taken

已經讓親密變得可怕，如果我們已經遇到過會把

signs of vulnerability as targets

別人的脆弱作為箭靶的人們

so we're not frightened of closeness because we're fools but because it is a

所以不害怕親密不是因為我們是愛情裡的傻瓜，而是因為

challenge to be around another person who might easily hurt us and to keep on

和別人在一起原本就是挑戰，那個人可以很輕易地傷害我們而且繼續

in a relationship despite the fact that they do sometimes use this knowledge to

這段感情，他們知道能夠用這個弱點

strike out at us

成功控制我們

closeness is inherently threatening but we can gradually with courage and

親密是無庸置疑的讓人恐懼，但我們是能夠以勇氣和

difficulty replace defense with explanation we can say we are frightened

堅苦卓絕的態度，用坦白解釋取代防禦武裝。我們可以跟他們說，我們很害怕

and why

還有為何害怕

rather than turn cold or controlling and we can begin to see what our partners

而不是以冷淡或控制欲待人，我們可以知道伴侶

might be trying to communicate through their off-putting behavior

在他們上上下下的態度裡，其實試著想溝通的是什麼

we can never be through with a requirement for acceptance

我們也許一生都必須為「想要被接納」這件事苦惱

this isn't a curse limited to the weak and to the inadequate, in security and love

但這不是僅限對軟弱或不合格戀人的詛咒。安全感與被愛

is a sign of well-being

是良好狀態的徵兆

it means we haven't allowed ourselves to take another person for granted

這代表我們還不會允許自己認為，別人的愛是理所當然

it means we remain realistic enough to see that things could genuinely turn out

這代表我們保持務實，能看到事情真的有可能會

badly and that we're invested enough to care

急轉直下，但我們對這段關係的投資夠多，足以讓

we must get better at seeing the love and longing that lurk behind some of our

我們絕對能看見愛和渴求，就潛伏在我們和

and our partner's most frosty managerial and brutish moments were just in our own

伴侶間每個冷漠的管控和殘忍的瞬間，不過是我們各自

way of dealing with the anxieties of trying to get close

想要變得親近，同時為了對付焦慮所做出的努力罷了