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The story of the path to coldness in love is well known:
we start off full of affection for one another
and then, with time, feelings fade.
We start prioritizing work,
we check our phones while they're speaking,
we don't especially want to hear how their day went.
There's a popular surface explanation for this kind of emotional frost:
that people naturally get bored of one another
in the same way as they get bored with everything else:
the gadget that once seemed so amazing,
the film they used to love.
Going cold is, in this story, simply the unavoidable consequence of familiarity.
But there's another explanation, dark at first,
but in the end, more hopeful.
The loss of interest isn't either natural, or inevitable.
The boredom is something at once more complicated and more active -
It exists, because we fell hurt by, angry with or scared of our partner
and because we haven't found a cathartic way to tell ourselves, or them, about it.
Tuning out isn't inevitable, it's a symptom of disavowed emotional distress,
it's a way of coping.
We're internally numbed, not just a touch bored.
This can sound strange, after all we might have no active sense
that our partner has been hurting, angrying or frightening us.
The idea apears laughable or extreme;
it makes our partners sound like monsters or ourselves like weaklings,
neither of which is true.
But the self that loves within a relationship
is not the normal, adult self we know from other zones of our lives.
We may mostly be hugely resourceful and resilient, but the person who loves is an infinitely more vulnerable being.
We should imagine it like a smaller, younger, more defenceless version of ourselves
that lives in our heads and is no tougher and not much wiser than we were as babies,
which is when so many of our needs for and ideas about love were formed.
It's this vulnerable self that continues to direct our hearts even if we're 6'2" with a pointy beard.
The loving self has a gossamer thin ego.
It gets hurt, frightened and upset with desperate ease.
You can deeply distress it by interrupting it during the story it's telling you about the sandwich it had for lunch,
by not asking it enough about the little spot it got on it's arm yesterday,
by preferring a book to cuddling,
or being a bit tricky about which channel it should watch on TV.
Of course, these are, by ordinary adult standards, tiny slights;
but we don't love by adult standards.
These small arrows are enough to wound the self that loves to it's tender, emotional core.
Ideally, of course, the small self would at once point out what's happenned,
It would carefully explain that it'd been frustrated and hurt,
it's voice would be measured, undefensive and charming,
but mostly it just stays silent.
That's forgiveable - it doesn't properly understand what's wrong,
it just knows it's in pain
and it's driven by an instinct to withdraw and protect itself
which translates into behaviour that looks pretty cold.
If the adult self had to give voice to the loving self's upset, it could sound and feel absurd,
which is partly why it doesn't.
There can be something especially humiliating in having to say:
'I don't feel you took enough interest in the details of my lunch break.'
or 'I'm 45 years old but not capable of sharing a TV remote control'.
These truly are small issues for an adult to dwell on,
but the parts of us that make themselves vulnerable in love don't obey the ordinary adult rules.
The consequence is that the loving self dries up, it doesn't want to have sex,
it gets sarcastic and irritable,
but it doesn't even know why it's like this.
It isn't putting on an act, it's confused.
To learn to cope, we need a prominent mutual awareness and forgiveness
of this dynamic of sensitivity and distress
and a commitment to decode it when disengagement and indifference descend.
We have to create a forum in which so-called minor, love-sucking hurts can safely be aired
without the other dismissing, as they always so easily can, the issues at stake as childish or imagined.
The touchiness of the loving self is ridiculous, if judged by the more robust standards of the rest of life,
but this is not the rest of life.
When we've gone cold, we may not truly have lost interest in our partners,
we might just need an opportunity to imagine that we are quietly really rather hurt and furious with them
and we should have access to a safe forum
in which our tender but critical feelings can be aired, purged and understood without risk of humiliation
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為何會與愛人漸行漸遠呢 (Why We Go Cold On Our Partners)

51492 分類 收藏
Kristi Yang 發佈於 2017 年 3 月 7 日   Jane Wancheng Tsai 翻譯   Sabrina Hsu 審核

影片簡介

愛情是個很奇怪的東西,從一開始的熱戀期到磨合期到停滯期再到最後昇華成家人的感覺;不知道大家曾經有沒有一種明明是最熟悉的人,卻好像越來越不認識他/她,甚至是一些自己的心情想法也漸漸不知道如何開口告訴對方呢?今天 School of Life 要來為大家解惑,到底一段感情的漸行漸遠是真的因為不愛了嗎?

1gadget0:28
gadget 的發音為 [ˋgædʒɪt],意思是指「器具、機械、裝置」等等,在影片中即指 3C 產品,相似詞還有 device
If you have any questions regarding technology, just ask Tom. He's a total gadget freak.
如果你有任何跟科技有關的問題,問 Tom 準沒錯,他是個對機械裝置相當有研究的人。

The new electronic device that my dad bought me as my birthday present turned out to be an ebook.
我爸買了一個電子產品當作生日禮物送我,結果是一台電子書!


2numbed1:14
numb 可當形容詞也可當動詞使用。當形容詞時,是「失去感覺的、麻木的」、「嚇呆的、愣住的」的意思;做動詞用時,指「使麻木」;而在影片中為「變得麻木、感到麻木」的意思。
After the dentist injected anesthetic to my teeth, my jaw gradually became numb and could barely felt anything.
我的下顎在牙醫注入麻醉劑之後逐漸變得麻木、沒有任何感覺。


小補充:anesthetic(麻醉劑)和 aesthetic(美學)雖然只有「一字之隔」但意思可是差了十萬八千里啊~別搞錯了唷!
Many people were numbed by the result of the presidential election.
總統選舉的結果讓許多人愣住了。


另外 numbskull 字面上直翻為「麻木的頭骨」,是名詞,指「傻瓜、笨蛋」的意思。小編覺得這個單字超生動,頭骨麻木沒感覺所以是笨蛋哈哈哈~下次除了用 fool 之外,又多了一個可以形容人呆呆的單字囉!

3infinitely1:45
infinitely 為副詞,是「無限地、無窮地、極其地」的意思;infinite 為形容詞「無限的、極大的」的意思,它也可以做名詞用,形容「空間或時間上的無窮」。而另一名詞 infinity 也是泛指「無限、無窮」之意。要注意 infinitelyinfinite 的重音都是在第一音節,但 infinity 的重音是在第二音節唷!
His new novel has been sold infinitely better than his last one.
他最新的小說銷售量比他的上一本還要好太多太多!

The universe is so infinite that human beings probably can't figure out what's really out there.
這個宇宙實在是太大了,人類可能沒有辦法真正得知外面到底有些什麼。

The infinity of stars has made my brother decide to study Cosmology in university since he's little.
星宿的無窮讓我的弟弟小時候就決定大學要主修宇宙學。


*同場加映:
【TED-Ed】無限有多大? How Big Is Infinity? - Dennis Wildfogel


4ego2:12
ego 的意思是「自尊心;自我意識」。而當我們想要形容一個人很自我中心,除了 self-centered 之外我們也可以說 egocentric
If we say someone who has an enormous ego, then we're basically saying he's too full of himself.
如果我們說某人有很強烈的自我意識,那麼代表他其實太自我中心。

In fact, all of us are egocentric to a certain degree since we tend to see the world from our own perspective.
其實我們每個人在某種程度上都以自我為中心,我們通常只會從自己的角度來看這個世界。


*同場加映:
男生希望暗戀對象了解的十大秘密 10 Things Guys Wish Their Crush Knew


5sarcastic3:50
sarcastic 重音在第二音節,發音為  [sɑrˋkæstɪk],是指「諷刺的、挖苦的;尖酸刻薄的」的意思。名詞「諷刺」為 sarcasm
Frank always loves to be sarcastic and he often pisses his friends off due to his ironic jokes.
Frank 總愛挖苦人,他常常因為說諷刺的笑話讓他朋友不爽。

The students didn't notice the sarcasm in the professor's voice when he's talking about how they're still enjoying their "holidays" after the summer vacation.
當教授對學生說暑假過後他們都依然過著假期般的生活時,學生們並沒有意識到教授的諷刺。


*同場加映:
TED-Ed:情境式諷刺:與你預期的相反 What is verbal irony? - Christopher Warner


其實內心小劇場會讓我們害怕讓對方知道自己最真實的想法,深怕一說出口會讓對方不開心或是對方會不理解,久而久之就會衍伸出漸行漸遠的感覺。但是其實只要我們願意適時的把情緒用理性的方式表達,讓對方知道我們的不完美(畢竟沒有人是完美的呀),或許兩個人可以透過抒發這些看似負面的想法而一起成長並貼近彼此的心,這樣的情感才是成熟的吧~

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