I have so many anxiety memes to show you!

我要和妳分享網路上的無腦東東

What's wrong?

怎麼了 ?

- I think Davis is cheating on me.

我覺得 David 背著我偷吃

- Get me my Red Bull.

給我我的紅牛！

- A random girl has been commenting on a bunch of his photos,

一個陌生女子都會在他的照片下面留言

I don't know who she is, and he's never mentioned her before.

我不知道她是誰，他也沒有和我提過她

- He's cheating.

他肯定是劈腿

- It's not that simple, she has the same last name as his mom's side of the family.

或許沒有那麼簡單，她的姓和我男友媽媽那邊的姓是一樣的

- Cousin.

表/堂姊妹

- Maybe, but his mom's maiden name was Smith,

他媽媽的娘家姓是 Smith

so it could just be a coincidence.

或許是巧合

- Has he ever mentioned a flirty cousin?

他有提過曖昧的堂/表姊 (妹) 嗎 ?

- No, but we've only been dating exclusively for like, three weeks.

沒耶 ! 不過我們已經有三個禮拜沒有一起約了

- Alright, you came to the right place, first thing I'll do is put the browser on

明白 ! 妳說到點了；第一，我首先要做的事是把瀏覽器

incognito mode, that way he can't trace the IP address back to this apartment.

開到無痕模式，這麼一來他就無法追蹤他住處的 IP 位址了

- Why would he ever do that?

那他幹嘛這樣做 ?

- Next, I'll log out of all accounts and go anon, thus encrypting our trail.

再來，我要登出他的所有帳戶，除此一來船過水無痕

- When did you learn how to do all of this?

妳啥時學會這些的 ?

- During the time other people shower.

大家在洗澎澎時

- Okay, well, here's his Instagram.

好吧 ! 這是他的 Instagram

- My god, it's a treasure trove of unprotected data.

老天，這根本是不能說的秘密呀 !

- Yeah, it's a public account.

沒錯，是公用帳戶

- This is her? Annabelle92?

是她嗎 ? Annabelle92 ?

- That's the one.

就是她

Multiple comments across multiple platforms.

這邊留言、那邊也留言

- 92, could be a birth year, puts her right in Davis' wheelhouse.

92 可能是她的出生年，我看就是她了

- I knew I was too old for him.

我就知道我對他來說太老了

- Stop it, you're a goddamn baby.

別說了，妳還是條小鮮魚

Let's cross surface-reference this account with other accounts on the web.

我們用其他的帳戶來看「她」的帳戶長怎樣

Ok, there's a Facebook, a Twitter...

好的，有臉書、有推特...

My god, a Pinterest full of wedding dresses.

我的天，Pinterest 上有一堆婚紗照

Now if I screenshot the tagged photos on her locked Facebook,

如果我現在在她鎖起來的臉書上，把標記她的照片給截圖起來

we can zoom in and check for Davis in any of them.

我們可以放大檢視，看 David 有沒有在裡面

Enhance..

放大

Enhance..

再放大

There we go.

有了

- I think that's a dog.

我想只是隻狗吧

- I know but it's so cute!

我知道呀 ! 牠很可愛耶 !

- Gaby!

唉 ! Gaby !

- You're right, we can't get distracted, we don't have much time.

對啦 ! 我們不能分心，時間不多了 !

- Why? Are we gonna get kicked off the networks?

為何 ? 我們會被斷網嗎 ?

- Nah, I just have stuff to do today.

才沒，我只是還有事情要做而已

- That's surprising.

真假 !

- Okay, her Instagram looks clean, nothing romantic in tagged photos,

她的 Instagram 看起來很一般，沒有什麼放閃照

just sorority friends with Friday margaritas and a work retreat in Akron, Ohio.

只是姊妹淘的週五雞尾酒會，和在俄亥俄州阿克倫的假期而已

- Davis is from Columbus, Ohio!

David 也是從俄亥俄州哥倫布市來的

- Google Maps says it's a 2 hour bus ride between those cities!

拜託 ! Google 上說往返要搭兩個小時的巴士好嗎 !

According to Davis' Facebook, he was visiting Columbus on May 5, 2015.

David 的臉書上說，他在 2015 年的 5 月 5 號有回去過那裡

Right around when Miss Annabelle had her work retreat!

剛好安娜貝爾小姐也在放假

I can do a reverse image search and see if the Days Inn she checked into on

我可以用照片蒐證，看看他是不是在 Days 旅社待過

FourSquare shows up alongside anything to do with David.

David 的清白就水落石出了

- There also seems to be multiple Annabelle Smiths in the white pages,

好像還有一堆也叫安娜貝爾的人 (註：Whitepages 為美國找人、找電話的網站)

but none match the Adrians provided by her alma mater and her username!

但是沒有一個和她的母校和使用名稱是一樣的！

This is a tricky one coding-wise, she might honestly have a fire wall,

真夠棘手的，而且她還有可能設有防火牆

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? This is not a secure server.

妳在幹嘛 ? 這的伺服器不安全

- I couldn't take it, okay! I texted to ask who she is. I need to know for sure.

我忍不住了，我傳訊息問他她是誰，我一定要知道答案

- What did he say?

那他說什麼 ?

- He said, I have no idea? You're our only mutual friend?

他說，我不知道，妳是我們唯一的共同好友？

Oh, Annabelle! I worked with her a couple years ago.

啊 ! 是安娜貝爾，我和她幾年前是同事

What, c'mon! You don't think it's weird she's only commenting on his Instagra-

幹嘛這樣 ! 如果是妳也會覺得奇怪，怎麼有人在他的 Instagram 留言

Nope, she's commenting on mine as well.

喔 ! 不，她也在我的 Instagram 留言

Aww! She's so supportive.

喔 ! 她人真好

- Davis just liked 4 photos of a girl in Argentina.

David 剛在四位阿根廷的女生照片按讚了

- Let's get international.

很國際化呀 !

- It might be his sister studying abroad.

有可能是他海外念書的妹妹/姊姊

But you don't know!

妳怎麼知道 !

- Okay, I'm in.

好啦 ! 我幫妳

- I'll write something back. Maybe "stop commenting on my boyfriend's account,

我來回一下他好了，像是「不要在我男友帳戶上留言」

you stupid bitch."

「妳這臭 X 子」

( both laugh )