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  • WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.

  • I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT, AND I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER TO BE

  • WITH ALL OF YOU RIGHT NOW.

  • WHAT A PRIVILEGE IT IS TO COME OUT HERE AND TALK ABOUT ALL OF

  • THE FEELINGS.

  • >> Jon: YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: SOME OF THEM GOOD, SOME OF THEM BAD, BUT HUMAN

  • FEELINGS WE CAN SHARE THROUGH THE MIRACLE OF TELEVISION.

  • HERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE A FEELING ABOUT --

  • THE TRUMP TRAIN KEEPS ON ROLLING DOWN THEM CRAZY TRACKS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY, TRUMP SUMMONED ALL

  • THE BIGWIGS OF TV NEWS, FOLKS LIKE CNN PRESIDENT JEFF ZUCKER

  • AND NBC ANCHOR LESTER HOLT, TO TRUMP TOWER.

  • NATURALLY, THEY ALL ASSUMED THEY WERE BEING NAMED SECRETARY OF

  • STATE.

  • HE'S GOING TO HAVE, LIKE, 20 SECRETARIES OF STATE.

  • A LOT OF COUNTRIES, MAKES SENSE.

  • ONCE THEY GOT THERE, OUR NATION'S MOST PROMINENT

  • MEDIA FIGURES WERE DRESSED DOWN AND TOLD, "WE'RE IN A ROOM OF

  • LIARS," AND HE TOLD CNN'S JEFF ZUCKER, "I HATE YOUR NETWORK

  • EVERYONE AT CNN IS A LIAR."

  • OKAY, I MIGHT BE WITH HIM ON THAT ONE.

  • I MEAN, WHY IS ANTHONY BOURDAIN ON THE CABLE NEWS NETWORK?

  • EATING NOODLES IS NOT NEWS!

  • AND REPORTEDLY, TRUMP TOLD THE PRESIDENT OF NBC NEWS THAT HER

  • NETWORK WON'T RUN A NICE PICTURE OF HIM, INSTEAD CHOOSING "THIS

  • PICTURE OF ME," AS HE MADE A FACE WITH A DOUBLE CHIN.

  • YEAH, NBC, STOP USING UNFLATTERING PICTURES OF DONALD

  • TRUMP.

  • HE'S SO PHOTOGENIC, HE RUNS THE -- THE MAN -- THERE'S NO BAD

  • PICTURES OF HIM!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • COME ON, JIMMIE, PUT THAT BACK UP THERE.

  • HE RUNS THE GAMUT FROM "I JUST ATE A BUG" ALL THE WAY TO "MAY I

  • LICK THE BRIDE?" YOU MAY NOT.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) OF COURSE, WHEN NOT BERATING THE

  • MEDIA, THE PRESIDENT-ELECT HAS BEEN BUSY FILLING HIS CABINET.

  • SO FAR, WE KNOW HIS PICK FOR ATTORNEY GENERAL: ALABAMA

  • SENATOR AND ALBINO SMURF, JEFF SESSIONS.

  • IF SENATOR SESSIONS BECOMES ATTORNEY GENERAL, HE WOULD BE IN

  • CHARGE OF ENFORCING OUR NATION'S CIVIL RIGHTS LAWS.

  • AND IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE HE STANDS ON CIVIL RIGHTS, THERE'S

  • A HINT IN HIS FULL NAME: JEFFERSON BEAUREGARD

  • SESSIONS III.

  • ( IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT ) I SAY TO YOU, SIR!

  • I DO DECLARE!

  • THE ONLY WAY THAT COULD SOUND MORE CONFEDERATE IS IF HE WERE

  • NAMED "GENERAL STONEWALL SECESSION MCCOTTON-GIN."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) OF THE BIRMINGHAM

  • McCOTTON-GINS.

  • I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUAL!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IN FACT, DURING THE REAGAN

  • ADMINISTRATION, HE WAS DENIED A JUDICIAL APPOINTMENT OVER SOME

  • ALLEGATIONS OF RACISM.

  • AMONG OTHER THINGS, A COWORKER CLAIMS SESSIONS SAID HE WAS OKAY

  • WITH THE KLAN "UNTIL I LEARNED THEY SMOKED POT."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) COME ON.

  • YOU SHOULD'VE KNOWN THEY SMOKED POT WHEN THEY STARTED CALLING

  • THEMSELVES "WIZARDS."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )

  • HE MIGHT BE THE ONLY POLITICIAN IN HISTORY TO GO DOWN THINKING

  • THE KLAN IS TOO CHILL.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND TRUMP'S FRONTRUNNER TO LEAD

  • THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY APPEARS TO BE KANSAS

  • SECRETARY OF STATE AND MIDDLE SCHOOL FOOTBALL COACH WHO'S NOT

  • ALLOWED ON THE FIELD ANYMORE, KRIS KOBACH.

  • WHEN KOBACH MET WITH TRUMP, SOMETHING TELLS ME HE CAME

  • PREPARED WITH A STRATEGIC PLAN FOR THE FIRST 365 DAYS.

  • AND BY "SOMETHING" I MEAN THIS PICTURE, WHERE HE IS CLEARLY

  • HOLDING HIS STRATEGIC PLAN FOR THE FIRST 365 DAYS.

  • >> WELL, THAT'S HOMELAND SECURITY.

  • THE ONLY WAY THOSE PLANS COULD BE SAFER IS IF HE STORED THEM ON

  • HIS PRIVATE EMAIL SERVER.

  • ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • DURING THE CAMPAIGN, DONALD TRUMP PROMISED TO DO A LOT OF

  • THINGS AS PRESIDENT, AND MAYBE STRANGEST AND STRONGEST WAS HIS

  • PROMISE, HIS PLEDGE, HIS RALLYING CRY TO JAIL HILLARY

  • CLINTON.

  • >> IF I WIN, I AM GOING TO INSTRUCT MY ATTORNEY GENERAL TO

  • GET A SPECIAL PROSECUTOR TO LOOK INTO YOUR SITUATION BECAUSE

  • THERE HAS NEVER BEEN SO MANY LIES, SO MUCH DECEPTION.

  • THERE HAS NEVER BEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT, AND WE'RE GOING TO HAVE

  • A SPECIAL PROSECUTOR.

  • >> YOU KNOW, IT IS... IT'S JUST AWFULLY GOOD THAT SOMEONE WITH

  • THE TEMPERAMENT OF DONALD TRUMP IS NOT IN CHARGE OF THE LAW IN

  • OUR COUNTRY.

  • >> BECAUSE YOU'D BE IN JAIL.

  • SECRETARY CLINTON -- ( AUDIENCE REACTS )

  • >> Stephen: WOO-HOO HOO!

  • OH, I WAS A HAPPIER TIME WHEN JUST THE IDEA OF DONALD TRUMP

  • WAS TERRIFYING INSTEAD OF THE REALITY.

  • BUT TODAY, ON MSNBC'S "COFFEE JOE MORNING," HILLARY GOT SOME

  • GOOD NEWS.

  • >> WE BEGIN WITH BREAKING NEWS: A SOURCE WITH DIRECT KNOWLEDGE

  • OF DONALD TRUMP'S THINKING TELLS "MORNING JOE" THAT, IN HIS

  • ADMINISTRATION, THE PRESIDENT-ELECT WILL NOT PURSUE

  • ANY INVESTIGATIONS INTO HILLARY CLINTON FOR HER USE OF A PRIVATE

  • E-MAIL SERVER AND THE CLINTON FOUNDATION.

  • >> I THINK WHEN THE PRESIDENT-ELECT, WHO'S ALSO THE

  • HEAD OF YOUR PARTY NOW, JOE, TELLS YOU BEFORE HE'S EVEN

  • INAUGURATED HE DOESN'T WISH TO PURSUE THESE CHARGES, IT SENDS A

  • VERY STRONG MESSAGE.

  • >> STEPHEN: THAT STRONG MESSAGE: IGNORE ALL MY PREVIOUS STRONG

  • MESSAGES.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT

  • THAT IS SOMETHING I'LL BE GIVING THANKS FOR THIS THURSDAY.

  • WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • JAMES MARSDEN IS HERE.

  • AND WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE ABOUT COOKING

  • YOUR TURKEY.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.

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B2 中高級 美國腔

特朗普的火車已經脫軌了 (The Trump Train Is Already Off The Rails)

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    Lynn Chou 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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