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  • >> THANK YOU, AL.

  • WOW.

  • THAT WAS GOOD.

  • HMM.

  • THIS IS A HELL OF A DINNER.

  • WELL, I WANT TO THANK YOUR

  • EMINENCE.

  • THIS IS REALLY GREAT TO BE WITH

  • YOU AGAIN.

  • WE LOVE IT.

  • GOVERNOR CUOMO.

  • A GREAT SENATORS.

  • HI, CHUCK.

  • HE USED TO LOVE ME WHEN I WAS A

  • DEMOCRAT, YOU KNOW?

  • MAYOR DE BLASIO, WHEREVER YOU

  • ARE.

  • WHERE IS MAYOR DE BLASIO?

  • I LOVE HIM.

  • SEE, IN THE OLD DAYS, I WOULD

  • HAVE KNOWN HIM VERY WELL, BUT I

  • HAVEN'T BEEN DOING SO MUCH OF

  • THEIR REAL ESTATE ANYMORE.

  • AND I WANT TO THANK AL ANDNAN

  • SMITH, JUST A FANTASTIC JOB YOU

  • DO WITH THE DINNER.

  • CONGRATULATIONS ON A RECORD,

  • OVER $6 MILLION, RIGHT?

  • IS THEIR RECORD.

  • AND A SPECIAL HELLO TO ALL OF

  • YOU IN THIS ROOM WHO HAVE KNOWN

  • AND LOVED ME FOR MANY, MANY

  • YEARS.

  • IT'S TRUE.

  • THE POLITICIANS, THEY'VE HAD ME

  • TO THEIR HOMES, THEY'VE

  • INTRODUCED ME TO THEIR CHILDREN,

  • I'D BECOME THEIR BEST FRIENDS IN

  • MANY INSTANCES.

  • THEY ASKED FOR MY ENDORSEMENT

  • AND ALWAYS WANTED MY MONEY.

  • AND EVEN CALLED ME REALLY A

  • DEAR, DEAR FRIEND.

  • BUT THEN, SUDDENLY, DECIDED WHEN

  • I RAN FOR PRESIDENT AS A

  • REPUBLICAN THAT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN

  • A NO-GOOD, ROTTEN, DISGUSTING

  • SCOUNDREL.

  • AND THEY TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT

  • ME.

  • BUT THAT'S OKAY.

  • YOU KNOW, THEY SAY WHEN YOU DO

  • THIS KIND OF AN EVENT, YOU

  • ALWAYS START OUT WITH A

  • SELF-DEPRECATING JOKE.

  • SOME PEOPLE THINK THIS WOULD BE

  • TOUGH FOR ME, BUT THE TRUTH

  • IS -- IT'S TRUE.

  • TRUE.

  • THE TRUTH IS I'M ACTUALLY A

  • MODEST PERSON.

  • VERY MODEST.

  • >> IT'S TRUE.

  • IN FACT, MANY PEOPLE TELL ME

  • THAT MODESTY IS PERHAPS MY BEST

  • QUALITY.

  • EVEN BETTER THAN MY TEMPERAMENT.

  • YOU KNOW CARDINAL DOLAN AND I

  • HAVE SOME THINGS IN COMMON.

  • FOR INSTANCE, WE BOTH RUN

  • IMPRESSIVE PROPERTIES ON FIFTH

  • AVENUE.

  • OF COURSE, HIS IS MUCH MORE

  • IMPRESSIVE THAN MINE.

  • THAT'S BECAUSE I BUILT MINE WITH

  • MY OWN BEAUTIFULLY FORM ED HAND.

  • WHILE HIS WAS BUILT WITH THE

  • HANDS OF GOD.

  • AND NOBODY CAN COMPETE WITH GOD.

  • IS THAT CORRECT?

  • NOBODY?

  • RIGHT?

  • THAT'S RIGHT.

  • NO CONTEST.

  • IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE WITH A

  • THOUSAND WONDERFUL PEOPLE, OR AS

  • I CALL IT, A SMALL, INTIMATE

  • DINNER WITH SOME FRIENDS.

  • OR AS HILLARY CALLS IT, HER

  • LARGEST CROWD OF THE SEASON.

  • OH, THIS IS CORNY STUFF.

  • I DO RECOGNIZE THAT I COME INTO

  • THIS EVENT WITH A LITTLE BIT OF

  • AN ADVANTAGE.

  • I KNOW THAT SO MANY OF YOU IN

  • THE ARCH DIOCESE ALREADY HAVE A

  • PLACE IN YOUR HEART FOR A GUY

  • WHO STARTED OUT AS A CARPENTER

  • WORKING FOR HIS FATHER.

  • I WAS A CARPENTER WORKING FOR MY

  • FATHER.

  • TRUE.

  • NOT FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME,

  • BUT I -- FOR ABOUT THREE WEEKS.

  • WHAT'S GREAT ABOUT THE AL SMITH

  • DINNER IS THAT EVEN IN THE ROUGH

  • AND TUMBLE WORLD OF A REALLY,

  • REALLY HARD-FOUGHT CAMPAIGN, IN

  • FACT, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW

  • HILLARY, BUT LAST NIGHT THEY

  • SAID THAT WAS THE MOST VICIOUS

  • DEBATE IN THE HISTORY OF

  • POLITICS, PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.

  • THE MOST VICIOUS.

  • AND I DON'T KNOW.

  • ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE PROUD OF

  • THAT OR UNHAPPY?

  • BUT THEY DID SAY THAT.

  • AND I'M TRYING TO THINK BACK TO

  • LINCOLN, I DON'T THINK THAT YOU

  • CAN REALLY COMPETE WITH THAT.

  • BUT THE CANDIDATES ARE SOME

  • LIGHT-HEARTED MOMENTS TOGETHER,

  • WHICH IS TRUE.

  • I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT HILLARY IS

  • GOING TO LAUGH QUITE A BIT

  • TONIGHT.

  • SOMETIMES EVEN AT AN APPROPRIATE

  • MOMENT.

  • AND EVEN TONIGHT, WITH ALL OF

  • THE HEATED BACK AND FORTH,

  • BETWEEN MY OPPONENT AND ME AT

  • THE DEBATE LAST NIGHT, WE HAVE

  • PROVEN THAT WE CAN ACTUALLY BE

  • CIVIL TO EACH OTHER.

  • IN FACT, JUST BEFORE TAKING THE

  • DAIS, HILLARY ACCIDENTALLY

  • BUMPED INTO ME AND SHE VERY

  • CIVILLY SAID, PARDON ME.

  • AND I VERY POLITELY REPLIED, LET

  • ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT THAT AFTER

  • I GET INTO OFFICE.

  • JUST KIDDING.

  • JUST KIDDING.

  • AND HILLARY WAS VERY GRACIOUS.

  • SHE SAID, IF SOMEHOW SHE GETS

  • ELECTED, SHE WANTS ME TO BE,

  • WITHOUT QUESTION, EITHER HER

  • AMBASSADOR TO IRAQ OR TO

  • AFGHANISTAN.

  • IT'S MY CHOICE.

  • BUT ONE OF THE THINGS I NOTICED

  • TONIGHT AND I'VE KNOWN HILLARY

  • FOR A LONG TIME IS THIS IS THE

  • FIRST TIME EVER, EVER THAT

  • HILLARY IS SITTING DOWN AND

  • SPEAKING TO MAJOR CORPORATE

  • LEADERS AND NOT GETTING PAID FOR

  • IT.

  • IT'S TRUE.

  • IT'S TRUE.

  • YOU KNOW, LAST NIGHT, I CALLED

  • HILLARY \"A NASTY WOMAN.\"

  • BUT THIS STUFF IS ALL RELATIVE.

  • AFTER LISTENING TO HILLARY

  • RATTLE ON AND ON AND ON, I DON'T

  • THINK SO BADLY OF ROSIE

  • O'DONNELL ANYMORE.

  • IN FACT I'M ACTUALLY STARTING TO

  • LIKE ROSIE A LOT.

  • THESE EVENTS GIVE NOT ONLY THE

  • CANDIDATES A CHANCE TO BE WITH

  • EACH OTHER IN A VERY SOCIAL

  • SETTING, IT ALSO ALLOWS THE

  • CANDIDATES THE OPPORTUNITY TO

  • MEET THE OTHER CANDIDATE'S TEAM.

  • GOOD TEAM.

  • I KNOW HILLARY MET MY CAMPAIGN

  • MANAGER AND I GOT THE CHANCE TO

  • MEET THE PEOPLE WHO ARE WORKING

  • SO HARD TO GET HER ELECTED.

  • THERE THEY ARE.

  • THE HEADS OF NBC, CNN, CBS, ABC,

  • THERE'S \"THE NEW YORK TIMES\"

  • RIGHT OVER THERE, AND \"THE

  • WASHINGTON POST.\"

  • THEY'RE WORKING OVERTIME.

  • TRUE.

  • TRUE!

  • THIS ONE'S GOING TO GET ME IN

  • TROUBLE.

  • NOT WITH HILLARY!

  • YOU KNOW, THE PRESIDENT TOLD ME

  • TO STOP WHINING.

  • BUT I REALLY HAVE TO SAY, THE

  • MEDIA IS EVEN MORE BIASED THIS

  • YEAR THAN EVER BEFORE.

  • EVER.

  • YOU WANT THE PROOF?

  • MICHELLE OBAMA GIVES A SPEECH

  • AND EVERYONE LOVES IT.

  • IT'S FANTASTIC.

  • THEY THINK SHE'S ABSOLUTELY

  • GREAT.

  • MY WIFE, MELANIA, GIVES THE

  • EXACT SAME SPEECH, AND PEOPLE

  • GET ON HER CASE!

  • AND I DON'T GET IT!

  • I DON'T KNOW WHY.

  • AND IT WASN'T HER FAULT.

  • STAND UP, MELANIA, COME ON.

  • SHE TOOK A LOT OF ABUSE.

  • OH, I'M IN TROUBLE WHEN I GO

  • HOME TONIGHT.

  • SHE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THAT ONE.

  • AM I OKAY?

  • IS IT OKAY?

  • CARDINAL, PLEASE SPEAK TO HER.

  • I'D LIKE TO ADDRESS AN IMPORTANT

  • RELIGIOUS MATTER.

  • THE ISSUE OF GOING TO

  • CONFESSION.

  • OR AS HILLARY CALLS IT, THE

  • FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND WITH FBI

  • DIRECTOR COMEY.

  • NOW, I'M TOLD HILLARY WENT TO

  • CONFESSION BEFORE TONIGHT'S

  • EVENT.

  • BUT THE PRIEST WAS HAVING A HARD

  • TIME WHEN HE ASKED HER ABOUT HER

  • SINS, AND SHE SAID SHE COULDN'T

  • REMEMBER 39 TIMES.

  • EH.

  • HILLARY IS SO CORRUPT, SHE GOT

  • KICKED OFF THE WATERGATE

  • COMMISSION.

  • HOW CORRUPT DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO

  • GET KICKED OFF THE WATERGATE

  • COMMISSION?

  • PRETTY CORRUPT.

  • HILLARY IS AND HAS BEEN IN

  • POLITICS SINCE THE '0ST.

  • WHAT'S HER PITCH?

  • THE ECONOMY IS BUSTED, THE

  • GOVERNMENT'S CORRUPT, WASHINGTON

  • IS FAILING, VOTE FOR ME, I'VE

  • BEEN WORKING ON THESE PROBLEMS

  • FOR 30 YEARS.

  • I CAN FIX IT, SHE SAYS.

  • I WASN'T REALLY SURE IF HILLARY

  • WAS GOING TO BE HERE TONIGHT,

  • BECAUSE, I GUESS YOU DIDN'T SEND

  • HER INVITATION BY E-MAIL OR

  • MAYBE YOU DID AND SHE JUST FOUND

  • OUT ABOUT IT THROUGH THE WONDER

  • OF WIKILEAKS.

  • WE'VE LEARNED SO MUCH FROM

  • WIKILEAKS.

  • FOR EXAMPLE, HILLARY BELIEVES

  • IT'S VITAL TO DECEIVE THE PEOPLE

  • BY HAVING ONE PUBLIC POLICY --

  • [ BOOING ]

  • -- AND A TOTALLY DIFFERENT

  • POLICY IN PRIVATE.

  • THAT'S OKAY.

  • I DON'T KNOW WHO THEY'RE ANGRY

  • AT, HILLARY, YOU OR I?

  • FOR EXAMPLE, HERE SHE IS TONIGHT

  • IN PUBLIC, PRETENDING THE NOT TO

  • HATE CATHOLICS.

  • [ BOOING ]

  • NOW, IF SOME OF YOU HAVEN'T

  • NOTICED, HILLARY ISN'T LAUGHING

  • AS MUCH AS THE REST OF US.

  • THAT'S BECAUSE SHE KNOWS THE