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  • WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN LATE.

  • THE SHOW PREMIERED LAST NIGHT,

  • AND I'M HAPPY TO SAY WE MADE IT

  • TO DAY TWO, EVERYBODY.

  • TWO, TWO.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • THIS IS GREAT, BECAUSE I BELIEVE

  • THAT'S WHEN MY HEALTH INSURANCE

  • KICKS IN, AND I ALMOST NEEDED A

  • HEART TRANSPLANT LAST NIGHT.

  • BECAUSE A FUN THING HAPPENED AND

  • I'M TELLING YOU THIS IS AN

  • ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY I'M ABOUT

  • TO TELL YOU.

  • THE SHOW ALMOST DIDN'T GET ON

  • THE AIR LAST NIGHT.

  • IT WAS A LITTLE LONG.

  • IT WAS A DOUBLE-STUFFED OREO,

  • STUFFED WITH OTHER OREOS.

  • YOU KNOW FOR A SHOW YOU WANT TO

  • DO A LOT.

  • WE HAD TO CUT SOME STUFF WE

  • LOVED.

  • DEFINITELY GO TO

  • www.colbertlateshow.com, CHECK

  • OUT JEB BUSH DOING HIS BEST

  • DONALD TRUMP IMPRESSION.

  • IT'S GREAT.

  • IT MAKES HIM SEEM SIMULTANEOUSLY

  • MORE ELECTABLE AND LESS

  • PRESIDENTIAL.

  • IT'S WORTH THE TRIP.

  • I PROMISE YOU, IT'S WORTH THE

  • TRIP.

  • IT WAS FUN.

  • I'M VERY GRATEFUL THE GOVERNOR

  • CAME ON LAST NIGHT.

  • SEEMS LIKE A GOOD GUY.

  • POSSIBLE I WOULD VOTE FOR HIM.

  • GO TO THE WEB SITE, AND SEE SOME

  • FOOTAGE I HAD 2 CUT ABOUT ME AND

  • GEORGE CLOONEY TALKING ABOUT

  • HUMAN RIGHTS I HAVE LAILINGSES

  • AND THE NIPPLES ON HIS BATMAN

  • COSTUME.

  • BOTH CONVERSATIONS VERY

  • UNSETTLING.

  • HERE'S THE THING.

  • IT TOOK US A WHILE TO CUT THE

  • SHOW DOWN TO TIME, AND WHEN WE

  • TRIED TO SEND IT TO THE NETWORK

  • SO THEY COULD SHOW IT TO YOU ON

  • AIR, THE COMPUTERS KEPT

  • CRASHING.

  • YEAH, YEAH.

  • LAUGH YEAH, AND AGAIN, 11:20,

  • AND, AGAIN, THIS ACTUALLY

  • HAPPENED.

  • NO ONE IN THE BUILDING COULD

  • GIVE ME A GUARANTEE FOR CERTAIN

  • THAT THE SHOW WAS GOING TO GO ON

  • THE AIR LAST NIGHT.

  • SO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW EXCITING

  • THAT WAS FOR ALL OF US.

  • AFTER CBS HAD PLASTERED MY FACE

  • ON NEARLY EVERY FLAT SURFACE ON

  • THE PLANET, OKAY.

  • THIS-- THIS-- THIS WAS SUPPOSED

  • TO BE A SURPRISE, BUT THE POPE

  • ACTUALLY IS TATTOOED WITH MY

  • FACE, ALL RIGHT.

  • THE POPE HAS A TRAMP STAMP OF MY

  • FACE RIGHT HERE.

  • THAT'S HOW GOOD CBS' MARKETING

  • HAS BEEN.

  • AND AFTER ALL THAT, MAYBE WE

  • WOULDN'T GO ON THE AIR.

  • AND AS I FELT THE OXYGEN BEGIN

  • TO DRAIN FROM MY BRAIN AND ALL

  • MY ORGANS SHUTTING DOWN, I

  • THOUGHT IF WE ACTUALLY MAKE IT

  • TO AIR, THIS WILL BE A PRETTY

  • GOOD STORY.

  • AND IF WE DON'T, IT'LL STILL BE

  • A VERY INTERESTING STORY AT THE

  • THEATER CAMP I WILL BE RUNNING

  • IN IDAHO.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • BOW!

  • RIKAH!

  • BUT IN THE CLUTCH-- AND I HAVE

  • TO THANK THEM, OUR TALENTED

  • TECH TEAM MANAGED TO GET THE

  • SHOW OUT OF THE HARD DRIVES AND

  • ON THE AIR.

  • AND I'M STILL NOT SURE WHAT THE

  • PROBLEM WAS, BUT IF YOU'RE

  • SEEING THIS RIGHT NOW, IT MEANS

  • WE FIXED IT.

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

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