字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN LATE. THE SHOW PREMIERED LAST NIGHT, AND I'M HAPPY TO SAY WE MADE IT TO DAY TWO, EVERYBODY. TWO, TWO. ( APPLAUSE ) THIS IS GREAT, BECAUSE I BELIEVE THAT'S WHEN MY HEALTH INSURANCE KICKS IN, AND I ALMOST NEEDED A HEART TRANSPLANT LAST NIGHT. BECAUSE A FUN THING HAPPENED AND I'M TELLING YOU THIS IS AN ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU. THE SHOW ALMOST DIDN'T GET ON THE AIR LAST NIGHT. IT WAS A LITTLE LONG. IT WAS A DOUBLE-STUFFED OREO, STUFFED WITH OTHER OREOS. YOU KNOW FOR A SHOW YOU WANT TO DO A LOT. WE HAD TO CUT SOME STUFF WE LOVED. DEFINITELY GO TO www.colbertlateshow.com, CHECK OUT JEB BUSH DOING HIS BEST DONALD TRUMP IMPRESSION. IT'S GREAT. IT MAKES HIM SEEM SIMULTANEOUSLY MORE ELECTABLE AND LESS PRESIDENTIAL. IT'S WORTH THE TRIP. I PROMISE YOU, IT'S WORTH THE TRIP. IT WAS FUN. I'M VERY GRATEFUL THE GOVERNOR CAME ON LAST NIGHT. SEEMS LIKE A GOOD GUY. POSSIBLE I WOULD VOTE FOR HIM. GO TO THE WEB SITE, AND SEE SOME FOOTAGE I HAD 2 CUT ABOUT ME AND GEORGE CLOONEY TALKING ABOUT HUMAN RIGHTS I HAVE LAILINGSES AND THE NIPPLES ON HIS BATMAN COSTUME. BOTH CONVERSATIONS VERY UNSETTLING. HERE'S THE THING. IT TOOK US A WHILE TO CUT THE SHOW DOWN TO TIME, AND WHEN WE TRIED TO SEND IT TO THE NETWORK SO THEY COULD SHOW IT TO YOU ON AIR, THE COMPUTERS KEPT CRASHING. YEAH, YEAH. LAUGH YEAH, AND AGAIN, 11:20, AND, AGAIN, THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. NO ONE IN THE BUILDING COULD GIVE ME A GUARANTEE FOR CERTAIN THAT THE SHOW WAS GOING TO GO ON THE AIR LAST NIGHT. SO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW EXCITING THAT WAS FOR ALL OF US. AFTER CBS HAD PLASTERED MY FACE ON NEARLY EVERY FLAT SURFACE ON THE PLANET, OKAY. THIS-- THIS-- THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SURPRISE, BUT THE POPE ACTUALLY IS TATTOOED WITH MY FACE, ALL RIGHT. THE POPE HAS A TRAMP STAMP OF MY FACE RIGHT HERE. THAT'S HOW GOOD CBS' MARKETING HAS BEEN. AND AFTER ALL THAT, MAYBE WE WOULDN'T GO ON THE AIR. AND AS I FELT THE OXYGEN BEGIN TO DRAIN FROM MY BRAIN AND ALL MY ORGANS SHUTTING DOWN, I THOUGHT IF WE ACTUALLY MAKE IT TO AIR, THIS WILL BE A PRETTY GOOD STORY. AND IF WE DON'T, IT'LL STILL BE A VERY INTERESTING STORY AT THE THEATER CAMP I WILL BE RUNNING IN IDAHO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BOW! RIKAH! BUT IN THE CLUTCH-- AND I HAVE TO THANK THEM, OUR TALENTED TECH TEAM MANAGED TO GET THE SHOW OUT OF THE HARD DRIVES AND ON THE AIR. AND I'M STILL NOT SURE WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS, BUT IF YOU'RE SEEING THIS RIGHT NOW, IT MEANS WE FIXED IT.