MY NAME IS JOE WONG.

我叫王祖賢

BUT, TO MOST PEOPLE I AM KNOWN

但是，對大多數人來說，我是知道的。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

AND THE ANSWER TO MY CREDIT CARD

和我的信用卡的答案。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

YOU ARE LOOKING AT A SIDE AND I

你正看著一個側面，我。

WANT TO REASSURE EVERYBODY THAT

WANT TO REASSURE EVERYBODY THAT

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES ARE

我的童年記憶是

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

WHEN I WAS IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL,

當我在小學的時候，

AS PART OF THE CURRICULUM, I HAD

作為課程的一部分，我有。

TO WORK IN A RICE PADDY RIGHT

在米粉店工作是正確的。

NEXT TO A QUARRY WHERE THEY USED

旁邊的一個季度，在那裡他們使用的。

EXPLOSIVE TO BREAK ROCKS.

爆炸的岩石。

AND THAT IS WHERE I LEARNED THAT

我就是在這裡學會的。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

WHICH IS ALMOST AS SLOW AS A

這幾乎是慢的，因為一個。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

MY DAD WAS A GRUMPY GUY BUT

我的爸爸是一個脾氣暴躁的傢伙，但。

OCCASIONALLY HE WOULD TRY TO

偶爾，他也會試圖

CHEER ME UP WITH JOKES.

用笑話讓我高興起來。

BUT HE DOESN'T DO IT RIGHT.

但他不'T做的權利。

WHEN I WAS SEVEN 71 DAY HE SAID

當我7歲71天的時候，他說："我是一個人。

TO ME, HERE SON, WHY IS TOFU

對我來說，這裡的兒子，為什麼是東福

BETTER THAN CENTRALIZED

比中央集權更好

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

SO FIVE MINUTES LATER I SAID,

所以五分鐘後我說。

WHY?

為什麼？

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

I CAME TO THE UNITED STATES WHEN

我來到美國的時候...

I WAS 24 TO STUDY AT RICE

我24歲就去了萊斯大學讀書

[APPLAUSE]

[鼓掌]

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

UNTIL NOW.

直到現在。

AND I WAS USED TO SEEING CARS

我已經習慣了看車了

WITH A LOT OF BUMPER STICKERS

搭配大量的BUMPER STICKERS(棒棒糖)

OFF.

關。

ONE OF THEM SAID, IF YOU DON'T

他們中的一個說，如果你不'T。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

AND I DIDN'T NOTICE FOR TWO

我沒注意到兩個

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

LIKE MANY OTHER IMMIGRANTS, WE

像許多其他移民一樣，我們...。

WANTED OUR SON TO BECOME THE

想讓我們的兒子成為世界上最偉大的人。

PRESIDENT OF THIS COUNTRY AND WE

國家主席和我們

TRY TRIED TO MAKE HIM A LINGUAL,

試著讓他成為一個普通人。

CHINESE AT HOME AND ENGLISH IN

中文在家，英文在家

THE PUBLIC WHICH IS REALLY TOUGH

公眾是真正的難處

TO DO BECAUSE MANY TIMES AS I

因為很多時候，我都要做

SAID TO HIM IN PUBLIC, HEY

在公眾場合對他說，嘿嘿。

LISTEN IF YOU DON'T SPEAK

如果你不會說話，請聽我說。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

HE WOULD SAY TO ME HEY DAD, WHY

他會對我說，爸爸，為什麼？

DO I HAVE TO LEARN TWO

我必須要學兩門課嗎？

LANGUAGES?

語言？

I SAID SUN, ONCE YOU BECOME THE

我說，太陽，一旦你成為了

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,

美國總統：

YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO SIGN

你得籤個名。

LEGISLATIVE BILLS AND ENGLISH

立法法案和英文。

AND TALK TO DEBT COLLECTORS IN

並與收債人交談。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

WHEN I GRADUATED FROM RICE I

當我從萊斯大學畢業時，我...

DECIDED TO STAY IN THE UNITED

決定留在聯合國。

STATES, BECAUSE IN CHINA I CAN'T

國家，因為在中國，我不能'T。

DO THAT THING THE THING I DO

做那件事，我做的那件事

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

AND IN ORDER FOR ME TO BECOME A

為了讓我成為一個...

U.S. CITIZEN I HAD TO TAKE

我不得不接受的美國公民。

AMERICAN HISTORY LESSONS, WHERE

美國曆史課，在哪裡？

THEY ASKED US QUESTIONS LIKE,

他們問了我們一些問題，比如：

WHO IS BENJAMIN FRANKLIN?

誰是本傑明-弗蘭克林？

WE ARE LIKE, THE REASON OUR

我們是喜歡，我們的理由。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

WHAT WAS THE SECOND AMENDMENT?

第二次修正案是什麼？

WE WERE LIKE-- THE REASON OUR

我們就像... 我們的理由

[APPLAUSE]

[鼓掌]

WHAT IS ROE VERSUS WADE?

什麼是ROE VERSUS WADE？

TWO WAYS OF COMING TO THE UNITED

來美國的兩種方式。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

LATER ON, I READ SO MUCH ABOUT

後來，我讀了很多關於... ...

AMERICAN HISTORY THAT I STARTED

我開始的美國曆史。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

IN AMERICA THEY SAY ALL MEN ARE

在美國，他們說所有的男人都是。

CREATED EQUAL BUT AFTER BIRTH,

平等創造，但在出生後。

IT KIND OF DEPENDS ON THE

它有點取決於

PARENTS INCOME OR EDUCATION OR

父母的收入或教育或

[APPLAUSE]

[鼓掌]

I READ IN MEN'S HEALTH MAGAZINE

並在《男性健康雜誌》上閱讀。

THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA EVERY WEEK

奧巴馬總統每星期都在說

HAS TWO CARDIO DAYS AND TWO

有兩個心電圖日和兩個。

WEIGHTLIFTING DAYS.

減重日。

YOU SEE I DON'T HAVE TO EXERCISE

你看我不需要運動了

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

I LIVE IN MASSACHUSETTS NOW,

我現在住在馬薩諸塞州。

WHERE WE HAVE UNIVERSAL HEALTH

我們擁有普遍保健的地方

CARE, THEN WE ELECTED SCOTT

護理，然後我們選擇了斯科特。

BROWN.

BROWN.

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

I THINK THERE WAS A MOVIE ABOUT

我想有一部電影是關於...

HIM.

他：

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

I AM HONORED TO MEET VICE

我很榮幸見到副主席。

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN HERE TONIGHT

喬-比登主席今晚在此。

I ACTUALLY READ YOUR

我真的讀了你的

AUTOBIOGRAPHY.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY.

TODAY I SEE YOU.

今天我看到了你。

[APPLAUSE]

[鼓掌]

THEY SHOULD HAVE HAD RED PIT OR

他們應該有一個紅色的坑或

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

SO TO BE HONEST I WAS HONORED TO

所以，說實話，我很榮幸地

BE HERE TONIGHT AND I HAVE

今晚在這裡，我有

PREPARED FOR MONTHS FOR TONIGHT

為今晚的幾個月做準備。

SHOW.

SHOW：

I SHOWED MY WIFE -- MATT THE

我告訴我的妻子 - MATT的

WHITE HOUSE BY JOKES ABOUT OBAMA

白宮對奧巴馬的玩笑。

AND THAT IS WHY HE DECIDED NOT

這就是為什麼他決定不。

TO COME.

來。

TAKE THAT STEPHEN COLBERT.

就拿史蒂芬-科爾伯特。

PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS ALWAYS BEEN

奧巴馬總統一直以來都是

ACCUSED OF BEING TOO SOFT, BUT

被指責太軟弱，但

HE WAS CONDUCTING TWO WARS AND

他正在進行兩場戰爭，並。

THEY STILL GAVE HIM THE NOBEL

他們還是給了他諾貝爾獎。

PEACE PRIZE.

和平獎。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

[APPLAUSE]

[鼓掌]

ACTUALLY, I AM THINKING THE ONLY

事實上，我認為唯一的問題是

WAY YOU CAN BE MORE BAD THAN

你怎麼能比我更壞？

THAT IS IF YOU TAKE THE NOBEL

那是如果你接受諾貝爾獎的話

PEACE PRIZE MONEY AND GIVE IT TO

和平獎的資金，並將其捐獻給和平基金會

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

JOURNAL IS HERE TONIGHT

日報今天晚上在這裡

JOURNALIST HERE TONIGHT WHO I

今晚的記者是誰？

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

BECAUSE I USED TO WRITE FOR THE

因為我曾經為《紐約時報》寫過文章

CAMPUS NEWSPAPER.

校報：

I THINK JOURNALISM IS THE LAST

我認為新聞是最後的。

REFUGE FOR PUNS.

REFUGE for PUNS.

ONLY IN THE NEWSPAPER CAN YOU

只有在報紙上，你才可以

SAY THINGS LIKE, I WAS BORN IN

說一些東西，比如，我出生在。

THE YEAR OF THE HORSE AND THAT

馬年和那件事

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

TONIGHT IS MY FIRST TIME ON

今晚是我第一次在

C-SPAN, WHICH IS A CHANNEL I

C-SPAN，這是一個頻道I。

OBVIOUSLY ALWAYS WATCH.

顯然一直在看。

THE SENSATIONALISM AND

感情主義和

[APPLAUSE]

[鼓掌]

IF I CAN STILL FALL ASLEEP AFTER

如果我還能入睡後，

WATCHING C-SPAN, THERE IS

看著C-SPAN，有

[APPLAUSE]

[鼓掌]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

謝謝你非常多。

SO I BECAME A U.S. CITIZEN IN

所以，我成為了美國公民，在。

2008, WHICH I AM REALLY HAPPY

2008年，我真的很高興。

[APPLAUSE]

[鼓掌]

AMERICA IS NUMBER ONE.

美國是第一。

THAT IS TRUE.

這是真的。

BECAUSE WE WON THE WORLD SERIES

因為我們贏得了世界系列賽的冠軍

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

AFTER BECOMING A U.S. CITIZEN, I

在成為美國公民後，我

IMMEDIATELY REGISTERED TO VOTE

立即登記投票。

FOR OBAMA AND BIDEN.

為奧巴馬和比登。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

THAT WAS THEIR SLOGAN.

那是他們的SLOGAN。

SO, AFTER GETTING OBAMA AND

所以，在得到奧巴馬和。

BIDEN ELECTED, I FELT THIS POWER

比登當選後，我感受到了這種力量。

TRIP.

旅行：

AND I STARTED TO THINK, MAYBE I

我開始想，也許我... ...

SHOULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT MYSELF.

我自己也應該競選總統。

I HAVE TO TAKE A STEP BACK AND

我必須退後一步，並。

EXPLAIN A LITTLE BIT, BECAUSE I

解釋一下，因為我...

HAD ALWAYS BEEN A PESSIMISTIC

一直是個悲觀主義者。

GUY.

GUY：

I FELT THAT LIFE IS KIND OF LIKE

我覺得生活有點像... ...

BEING INTO THE SNOW ON A DARK

在黑暗中走進雪地裡

WINTER NIGHT.

冬夜。

YOU PROBABLY MADE A DIFFERENCE

你可能會產生不同的效果。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

NOW WE HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO IS

現在，我們有一個主席是

HALF BLACK, HALF WHITE.

一半黑色，一半白色。

IT JUST GIVES ME A LOT OF HOPE

它只是給了我很多的希望。

BECAUSE I AM HALF NOT LACK IN

因為我不缺錢。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

TWO NEGATIVES MAKE A POSITIVE.

兩個負數組成一個正數。

YOU MAY BE SAYING HEY, WHAT

你可能會說，嘿，什麼？

WOULD BE YOUR CAMPAIGN SLOGAN?

會是你的廣告語嗎？

YOU SEE, I SPENT 10 YEARS IN THE

你看，我在這裡呆了10年了。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

OKAY.

好的。

I UNDERSTAND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

我明白美國人民的想法

ARE SUFFERING, SO MY CAMPAIGN

正在受苦，所以我的競選活動

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

IF ELECTED I WILL MAKE SAME-SEX

如果當選，我將把同性

MARRIAGE NOT ONLY LEGAL BUT

婚姻不僅是合法的，而且是不合法的。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

THAT WILL GET ME THE YOUTH VOTE.

這將使我得到青年的選票。

YOU SEE I AM MARRIED NOW BUT I

你看我現在已經結婚了，但我...

MARRIAGE.

婚姻：

I WAS LIKE WOW, 50% OF ALL

我想，哇，50％的所有。

MARRIAGES END UP LASTING

最後的持久婚姻

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

AND I WILL ELIMINATE

我將消除

UNEMPLOYMENT IN THIS COUNTRY BY

本國的失業情況，包括：

REDUCING THE PRODUCTIVITY OF THE

縮減《公約》的產量

AMERICAN WORKFORCE.

美國勞動力：

SO, TO PEOPLE WILL HAVE TO DO

所以，對人們來說，必須要做的是

THE WORK OF ONE, JUST LIKE THE

一個人的工作，就像

PRESIDENT AND THE VICE

主席和副主席

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

AND DESPITE OUR DISEASE OF

儘管我們的疾病

CANCER, MOST AMERICANS DIE OF

癌症，大多數美國人死於癌症。

NATURAL CAUSES, SO IF ELECTED, I

自然原因，所以如果當選，我

WILL FIND A CURE FOR NATURAL

將會找到治癒自然界的方法。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

YOU SEEMED TO LIKE THAT ONE.

你好像很喜歡那一個。

BUT YOU WON'T BE COVERED BY

但你不會被覆蓋的。

HEALTH INSURANCE THOUGH.

健康保險認為：

BECAUSE OF PREEXISTING

由於先前存在的問題

CONDITIONS.

條件：

AND I HAVE A QUICK SOLUTION FOR

我有一個快速的解決方案。

GLOBAL WARMING.

全球變暖。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

IT WAS 100 DEGREES AND NOW IT IS

它是100度，現在是

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

YOU ARE VERY WELCOME.

歡迎你的到來。

AND, I AGREE WITH FOREIGN POLICY

而且，我同意外交政策。

BECAUSE I AM FROM CHINA AND I

因為我來自中國，而且我

[APPLAUSE]

[鼓掌]

I BELIEVE THAT UNILATERALISM IS

我相信單邊主義是......。

TOO EXPENSIVE, AND OPEN DIALOGUE

太貴了，而且是開放性對話

IS TOO SLOW, SO IF ELECTED, I

是太慢了，所以如果當選，我......。

WILL GO WITH TEXT MESSAGING.

會去與簡訊。

I WILL TEXT OUR ALLIES JUST TO

我會給我們的盟友發短信，只是為了。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

AND TEXT OUR ENEMIES WHEN THEY

和簡訊我們的敵人，當他們。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

YOU ARE BUILDING A NUCLEAR

你正在建造一個核電站。

WEAPON?

武器？

BUT YOU WERE DOING IT WRONG, LOL

但你做錯了，LOL。

I JUST WANT TO THANKED YOU FOR

我只是想感謝你

HAVING ME HERE TONIGHT IN THIS

有我在這裡，今晚在此。

IS THE FIRST TIME -- MATT THANK

是第一次 - MATT THANK

YOU SO MUCH AND HAVE A VERY GOOD

你這麼多，有一個非常好的。

[APPLAUSE]

[鼓掌]