DINNER TABLE, WHICH IS WHY I DON'T HAVE A DINNER TABLE OUT

HERE.

( LAUGHTER ) AND WE'VE STILL GOT NINE MONTHS

UNTIL THE ELECTION.

BUT BETWEEN NOW AND THEN, THE BRAVE CANDIDATES HAVE A LONG,

STRANGE TRIP FULL OF UNEXPECTED DANGERS.

THIS IS THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE.

>> THE AMERICAN DREAM IS DEAD.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT OPENING

GRAPHIC WAS BASED ON A TRUE STORY.

NOW, ON THE REPUBLICAN SIDE TOMORROW, ALL EYES ARE ON MY

HOME STATE OF SOUTH CAROLINA.

AND I ENCOURAGE ALL PALMETTO STATE REPUBLICANS TO GET OUT AND

VOTE.

YOU CAN HAVE AN IMPORTANT VOICE IN WHO I'LL BE MAKING JOKES

ABOUT FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS.

I THINK YOU KNOW WHO MY CHOICE IS.

AND THIS IS STILL ANYBODY'S RACE.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THE HOTTEST THING ON SOCIAL MEDIA RIGHT

NOW IS CURRENT PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE AND FUTURE

CO-OP BOARD TREASURER, JEB BUSH.

JEB KNOWS HE REALLY NEEDS TO WIN SOUTH CAROLINA, SO HE'S BRINGING

OUT THE BIG GUNS, BY WHICH I MEAN TWEETING THIS PHOTO OF AN

ACTUAL GUN, WITH HIS NAME ENGRAVED ON IT.

JEB IS EITHER REACHING OUT TO GUN OWNERS, OR HE'S GOING TO

CAMP AND HIS MOM WROTE HIS NAME ON EVERYTHING.

AND THE THE STAKES COULD NOT BE HIGHER FOR MARCO RUBIO.

IN IOWA, HE STORMED INTO THIRD PLACE.

IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, HE THUNDERED INTO FIFTH PLACE.

AND HE'S SURGING TOWARDS SECOND AFTER POURING A LOT OF OTHER

PEOPLE'S MONEY INTO THIS NEW AD.

>> IT'S MORNING AGAIN IN AMERICA.

TODAY MORE MEN AND WOMEN ARE OUT OF WORK THAN EVER BEFORE IN OUR

NATION'S HISTORY.

PEOPLE PAYING MORE IN TAXES THAN THEY WILL FOR FOOD, HOUSING, AND

CLOTHING COMBINED.

IT'S MORNING AGAIN IN AMERICA, AND UNDER THE LEADERSHIP OF

BARACK OBAMA AND HILLARY CLINTON, OUR COUNTRY IS MORE

VULNERABLE, DIVIDED AND DIMINISHED THAN EVER BEFORE.

>> Stephen: YES, AN UPLIFTING MESSAGE OF HOPE.

IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA.

BUT YOU'VE GOT NO JOB, ISIS IS GOING TO KILL US ALL, GO BACK TO

BED, GRAB A BOTTLE OF JACK DANIEL'S.

PUT A NIPPLE ON IT.

AND I'M SURE THIS AD WILL BOOST THE SENATOR, BECAUSE IT PROVIDES

A HOPEFUL VISION FOR AMERICA, THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH!

EXCEPT FOR MAYBE THE ONE YOU'RE SEEING IN THIS AD, WHICH

USES STOCK FOOTAGE OF CANADA.

YES.

IT TURNS OUT THAT SKYLINE IS VANCOUVER AND THAT AMERICAN

BOAT OF OPTIMISM HAS A CANADIAN FLAG ON BACK.

MAYBE IT'S TRYING TO TUG VANCOUVER INTO THE UNITED

STATES!

THE POINT IS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THAT REGARDLESS OF

THE FOOTAGE, I BELIEVE THIS AD SPEAKS TO ALL AMERICANS, AS

SURELY AS THE EAGLE SOARS, MARCO RUBIO IS AS AMERICAN AS BASEBALL

BASEBALL, APPLE PIE, AND MOM.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE WILL STRENGTHEN OUR ARMED

FORCES.

HE WILL SECURE OUR VULNERABLE SOUTHERN BORDER, BRING BACK

GOOD AMERICAN JOBS, FIX OUR EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM, AND MAKE

THIS COUNTRY GREAT AGAIN.

BECAUSE IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA.

VOTE RUBIO.

YOU WON'T BE SOURRY.