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  • LONG TIME VIEWERS OF THE SHOW KNOW THAT I'M A PRACTICING

  • CATHOLIC.

  • AND WHILE I USUALLY GO TO CHURCH, I'M OFTEN WAY TOO BUSY

  • TO PARTICIPATE IN SOME OF MY CHURCH'S OTHER IMPORTANT

  • RITUALS.

  • FOR INSTANCE, I'VE BEEN PUTTING OFF LAST RITES FOR YEARS.

  • I HEARD THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

  • AND THE RITUAL I MISS MOST IS CONFESSION.

  • THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT CLIMBING INTO THAT DARK WOODEN BOX THAT

  • JUST MAKES ME FEEL SO ALIVE.

  • SO, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD EXAMINE MY CONSCIENCE WITH YOU,

  • THE AUDIENCE.

  • YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?

  • >> NO!

  • >> Stephen: I DIDN'T THINK SO.

  • THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS.

  • ♪ (ORGAN MUSIC)

  • BOO!

  • NOW FOR THE RECORD: I'M NOT SURE IF THESE ARE TECHNICALLY SINS,

  • BUT I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT THEM.

  • OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

  • (LAUGHTER) SORRY.

  • I NODDED OFF THERE FOR A SECOND.

  • FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.

  • WHEN I SEE A STORY THAT ANOTHER SPECIES HAS GONE EXTINCT, I

  • WONDER WHAT IT TASTED LIKE.

  • (LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE...

  • I HAVE A FAIR AMOUNT OF GAY FRIENDS, BUT SOMETIMES I WORRY

  • THAT I HAVEN'T MADE ENOUGH GAY ENEMIES.

  • (LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE, SOMETIMES WHEN I'M OUT

  • TO DINNER WITH MY WIFE, I PROPOSE, SO THEY'LL GIVE US FREE

  • DESSERT.

  • (LAUGHTER) MY E-MAIL ADDRESS IS STILL

  • KARATEGOD[email protected]AOL.COM.

  • (LAUGHTER) EVERY TIME I MAKE A BOLOGNA

  • SANDWICH I SING, "MY BOLOGNA HAS A FIRST NAME, IT'S O-S-C-A-R."

  • THEN, WHEN I EAT IT, I WHISPER TO THE SANDWICH, "I'M EATING

  • YOU, OSCAR."

  • (LAUGHTER) SOMETIMES I LIE AWAKE AT NIGHT,

  • AFRAID I'LL DIE BEFORE I GET TO USE ALL MY "FOREVER" STAMPS.

  • (LAUGHTER) I CAN STILL NAME ALL FOUR

  • TELETUBBIES, AND HAVE DONE SO IN MY WILL.

  • (LAUGHTER) I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY IT'S NOT

  • CALLED A "PANTS SUIT" WHEN A MAN WEARS IT.

  • (LAUGHTER) AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO WEAR THE

  • PANTS?

  • (LAUGHTER) I SAW SOMETHING, SO I SAID

  • SOMETHING.

  • BUT THE THING I SAID WASN'T THE THING I SAW.

  • (LAUGHTER) SOMETIMES, I USE SLANG THAT I

  • DON'T UNDERSTAND TO CONNECT WITH YOUNG PEOPLE.

  • I GUESS I'M JUST WOKE LIKE THAT, ON FLEEK, BYE FELICIA.

  • (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)

  • I HAVE THIS WEIRD FEELING THAT ONCE WHEN I WAS DRUNK I GOT A

  • TATTOO IN A PLACE I CAN'T SEE.

  • (LAUGHTER) OH, DAFFY AND BUGS, WHY WOULD

  • YOU FIGHT OVER THAT?

  • (LAUGHTER) I LIKE TO YELL "BINGO" EVEN WHEN

  • I DON'T HAVE "BINGO," AND AM NOT PLAYING "BINGO."

  • (LAUGHTER) I KNOW YOU'RE NEVER SUPPOSED TO

  • PUT PLASTIC IN THE MICROWAVE, BUT I HATE PLAYING WITH COLD

  • LEGOS.

  • (LAUGHTER) WHEN I GET ON AN ELEVATOR, AND

  • SOMEONE COMES RUNNING UP TO CATCH IT, I ALWAYS ACT LIKE I

  • TRIED TO HOLD IT FOR THEM.

  • OH, THE BUTTON'S NOT WORKING.

  • I'M SO SORRY!

  • (LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • I DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE NEAR THAT BUTTON.

  • (LAUGHTER) BINGO!

  • (LAUGHTER) EVERY TIME I SAY, "WE'LL BE

  • RIGHT BACK," I REALLY MEAN AFTER ABOUT THREE MINUTES OF

  • COMMERCIALS.

LONG TIME VIEWERS OF THE SHOW KNOW THAT I'M A PRACTICING

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斯蒂芬-科爾伯特的午夜懺悔錄IV (Stephen Colbert's Midnight Confessions IV)

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    VoiceTube 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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