CATHOLIC.

AND WHILE I USUALLY GO TO CHURCH, I'M OFTEN WAY TOO BUSY

TO PARTICIPATE IN SOME OF MY CHURCH'S OTHER IMPORTANT

RITUALS.

FOR INSTANCE, I'VE BEEN PUTTING OFF LAST RITES FOR YEARS.

I HEARD THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

AND THE RITUAL I MISS MOST IS CONFESSION.

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT CLIMBING INTO THAT DARK WOODEN BOX THAT

JUST MAKES ME FEEL SO ALIVE.

SO, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD EXAMINE MY CONSCIENCE WITH YOU,

THE AUDIENCE.

YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?

>> NO!

>> Stephen: I DIDN'T THINK SO.

THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS.

♪ (ORGAN MUSIC)

BOO!

NOW FOR THE RECORD: I'M NOT SURE IF THESE ARE TECHNICALLY SINS,

BUT I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT THEM.

OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(LAUGHTER) SORRY.

I NODDED OFF THERE FOR A SECOND.

FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.

WHEN I SEE A STORY THAT ANOTHER SPECIES HAS GONE EXTINCT, I

WONDER WHAT IT TASTED LIKE.

(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE...

I HAVE A FAIR AMOUNT OF GAY FRIENDS, BUT SOMETIMES I WORRY

THAT I HAVEN'T MADE ENOUGH GAY ENEMIES.

(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE, SOMETIMES WHEN I'M OUT

TO DINNER WITH MY WIFE, I PROPOSE, SO THEY'LL GIVE US FREE

DESSERT.

(LAUGHTER) MY E-MAIL ADDRESS IS STILL

KARATEGOD69@AOL.COM.

(LAUGHTER) EVERY TIME I MAKE A BOLOGNA

SANDWICH I SING, "MY BOLOGNA HAS A FIRST NAME, IT'S O-S-C-A-R."

THEN, WHEN I EAT IT, I WHISPER TO THE SANDWICH, "I'M EATING

YOU, OSCAR."

(LAUGHTER) SOMETIMES I LIE AWAKE AT NIGHT,

AFRAID I'LL DIE BEFORE I GET TO USE ALL MY "FOREVER" STAMPS.

(LAUGHTER) I CAN STILL NAME ALL FOUR

TELETUBBIES, AND HAVE DONE SO IN MY WILL.

(LAUGHTER) I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY IT'S NOT

CALLED A "PANTS SUIT" WHEN A MAN WEARS IT.

(LAUGHTER) AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO WEAR THE

PANTS?

(LAUGHTER) I SAW SOMETHING, SO I SAID

SOMETHING.

BUT THE THING I SAID WASN'T THE THING I SAW.

(LAUGHTER) SOMETIMES, I USE SLANG THAT I

DON'T UNDERSTAND TO CONNECT WITH YOUNG PEOPLE.

I GUESS I'M JUST WOKE LIKE THAT, ON FLEEK, BYE FELICIA.

(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)

I HAVE THIS WEIRD FEELING THAT ONCE WHEN I WAS DRUNK I GOT A

TATTOO IN A PLACE I CAN'T SEE.

(LAUGHTER) OH, DAFFY AND BUGS, WHY WOULD

YOU FIGHT OVER THAT?

(LAUGHTER) I LIKE TO YELL "BINGO" EVEN WHEN

I DON'T HAVE "BINGO," AND AM NOT PLAYING "BINGO."

(LAUGHTER) I KNOW YOU'RE NEVER SUPPOSED TO

PUT PLASTIC IN THE MICROWAVE, BUT I HATE PLAYING WITH COLD

LEGOS.

(LAUGHTER) WHEN I GET ON AN ELEVATOR, AND

SOMEONE COMES RUNNING UP TO CATCH IT, I ALWAYS ACT LIKE I

TRIED TO HOLD IT FOR THEM.

OH, THE BUTTON'S NOT WORKING.

I'M SO SORRY!

(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE NEAR THAT BUTTON.

(LAUGHTER) BINGO!

(LAUGHTER) EVERY TIME I SAY, "WE'LL BE

RIGHT BACK," I REALLY MEAN AFTER ABOUT THREE MINUTES OF

COMMERCIALS.