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  • OF COURSE, ONE OF THE REASONS I ROOTED FOR VILLANOVA IS BECAUSE

  • THEY'RE A CATHOLIC SCHOOL, AND IF YOU'RE A REGULAR VIEWER, YOU

  • KNOW THAT I'M A CATHOLIC.

  • AND IF YOU'RE NOT A REGULAR VIEWER, DON'T WORRY.

  • AS A CATHOLIC, I'M THE ONE WHO FEELS GUILTY ABOUT IT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) UNFORTUNATELY, I'M OFTEN TOO

  • BUSY FOR MY FAVORITE CATHOLIC TRADITIONS-- THE ROSARY,

  • STATIONS OF THE CROSS, FINDING HIDDEN MESSAGES FROM LEONARDO

  • DAVINCI IN RENNAISSANCE ARTS.

  • BUT THE TRADITION I MISS MOST IS CONFESSION.

  • SO I WAS WONDERING IF RIGHT NOW, I COULD EXAMINE MY CONSCIENCE

  • RIGHT NOW WITH YOU, THE AUDIENCE.

  • YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?

  • >> Audience: OF COURSE NOT!

  • >> Stephen: GOOD.

  • THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )

  • NOW, FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT SURE IF THESE ARE TECHNICALLY

  • SINS, BUT I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT THEM.

  • OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.

  • BEFORE I PUT CASH IN A TIP JAR, I ALWAYS WAIT UNTIL THE

  • EMPLOYEES CAN SEE ME DO IT.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, AUDIENCE,

  • SOMETIMES I GO ON REAL ESTATE WEBSITES AND SEE HOW BIG A HOUSE

  • I COULD BUY IN MISSOURI.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) I TAKE HOTEL SHAMPOO BOTTLES

  • WHEN I'M NOT STAYING AT THE HOTEL.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) YESTERDAY, YESTERDAY, I TOLD A

  • COWORKER SHE HAD THE CUTEST BABY.

  • BUT REALLY IT WAS MORE OF A SIX.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ONE TIME IN A STORE, I USED THE

  • EMPLOYEES-ONLY BATHROOM BY TELLING THEM I WAS A REGIONAL

  • MANAGER.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SOMETIMES I'M SO LAZY, I USE

  • MACHINES TO DO SOMETHING I CAN EASILY DO FOR MYSELF.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )

  • ( CLEARS THROAT ) IN REHEARSAL, THAT WAS A SMALLER

  • DONUT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SOMETIMES, AUDIENCE,

  • SOMETIMES I'LL TALK TO MY PLANTS WHEN I'M LONELY.

  • AND AFTER A FEW DRINKS, WELL, THE TALKING STOPS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • I'M KIND OF GLAD CHIPOTLE HAS GOTTEN A LOT OF BAD PRESS

  • BECAUSE IT MAKES THE LINE SHORTER.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.

  • I'M A TRUTHER, BUT ONLY WHEN IT COMES TO "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S

  • NOT BUTTER."

  • WHEN TELEMARKETERS CALL ME AT HOME, I ASK IF THEY CAN HOLD ON

  • FOR A SECOND, THEN LEAVE THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK AND GO

  • JOGGING.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I TAKE SALAD BAR SNEEZE GUARDS

  • AS A PERSONAL CHALLENGE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SOMETIMES, ON HOT DAYS, I GO

  • INTO A GROCERY STORE AND PRETEND TO BE READING THE ICE CREAM

  • LABELS JUST SO I CAN HOLD THE FREEZER DOOR OPEN.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • I DID TERRIBLE THINGS TO RISE TO THE TOP OF MY BARBERSHOP

  • QUARTET.

  • THEY SAY "IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING, SET IT FREE."

  • BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN TRUST THOSE PEOPLE IN MY SHED.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.

  • >> Audience: WE FORGIVE YOU!

OF COURSE, ONE OF THE REASONS I ROOTED FOR VILLANOVA IS BECAUSE

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B1 中級

斯蒂芬-科爾伯特的午夜懺悔錄六 (Stephen Colbert's Midnight Confessions VI)

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    VoiceTube 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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