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  • AS YOU KNOW, I'M A PRACTICING CATHOLIC.

  • BUT NOWADAYS, BECAUSE I'M A BUSY TV MAN, I RARELY HAVE TIME FOR

  • MY FAVORITE CATHOLIC TRADITION: CONFESSION.

  • SO, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD EXAMINE MY CONSCIENCE WITH YOU,

  • THE AUDIENCE.

  • YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY RIGHT?

  • >> OF COURSE NOT!

  • >> Stephen: CE WE TRY THAT ONE MORE TIME?

  • BECAUSE YOU REALLY SOUNDED HESITANT ABOUT THAT.

  • IT'S ALMOST AS IF YOU FORGOT WHAT YOUR LINE WAS.

  • (LAUGHTER) I'M NOT SAYING WE SHOULD HAVE

  • REREHEARSED THAT MORE.

  • I'M JUST SAYING I'M NOT SURE IF I WANT TO CONFESS TO YOU RIGHT

  • NOW.

  • YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?

  • >> NO, OF COURSE NOT!

  • >> STEPHEN: GREAT.

  • THIS IS "STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS."

  • ♪ ( ORGAN PLAYS ) (LAUGHTER)

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NOW FOR THE RECORD: I'M NOT SURE

  • IF THESE ARE TECHNICALLY SINS, BUT I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT THEM.

  • OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

  • (ORGAN PLAYS) ♪

  • FORGIVE ME AUDIENCE.

  • I TELL MY KIDS TO NEVER USE SWEAR WORDS, EVEN THOUGH THEY

  • LEARNED ALL OF THEM FROM ME.

  • (LAUGHTER) (BLEEP)

  • (LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE, I WOULDN'T HURT A FLY.

  • BUT WHEN IT COMES TO MOSQUITOES I AM ONE SICK SON OF A BITCH.

  • (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)

  • FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE -- I MAKE FUN OF A LOT OF MOVIES I

  • WOULD'VE HAPPILY STARRED IN IF THEY'D ASKED ME.

  • (LAUGHTER) "I'M GONNA GET YOU SUPERMAN.

  • BECAUSE I AM THE BATMAN."

  • OR THE WONDER WOMAN, IF YOU WANT ME TO BE.

  • (LAUGHTER) I THOUGHT THE PALEO DIET MEANT

  • EATING ANYTHING OUT OF A PAIL.

  • (LAUGHTER) WHY AREN'T I LOSING WEIGHT?

  • OOK A MUCH SMALLER BITE IN HE IN REHEARSAL.

  • (LAUGHTER) I KNOW THAT AS A COMEDIAN I'M

  • SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY THAT THIS ELECTION HAS BEEN SO CRAZY.

  • BUT I'M ACTUALLY KIND OF SCARED.

  • (APPLAUSE) I BLAME MY FARTS ON THE DOG

  • (LAUGHTER) ALSO MY TAX EVASION.

  • (LAUGHTER) WHEN I HEAR ABOUT A MOUNTAIN

  • CLIMBING ACCIDENT, PART OF ME ALWAYS THINKS, "WELL... YEAH."

  • (LAUGHTER) SOMETIMES, WHEN I'M BLOWDRYING

  • MY HAIR, I PRETEND I'M IN AN '80'S MUSIC VIDEO.

  • ('80s MUSIC PLAYING) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • MY EYEBALLS ARE SO DRY.

  • (LAUGHTER) ONE TIME I SAW A LION

  • ATTACK A WARTHOG IN A NATURE DOCUMENTARY AND I WHISPERED

  • "HAKUNA-MATATA, ( BLEEP )."

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) RIGHT BEFORE A NEW IPHONE IS

  • ABOUT TO COME OUT, I ABUSE MY CURRENT IPHONE TO JUSTIFY

  • GETTING A NEW ONE.

  • (LAUGHTER) I THINK THIS CONFESSIONAL FRAME

  • IS COMING LOOSE.

  • (LAUGHTER) THIS IS NOT MY IPHONE.

  • (APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER)

  • WHEN I GO TO REAL CONFESSION AT MY CHURCH, I DISGUISE MY VOICE

  • TO SOUND LIKE GREGORY PECK.

  • LAUGH "FORGIVE ME FATHER.

  • I COVETED MY NEIGHBOR'S ASS.

  • NOW FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO YOUR DUTY."

  • (APPLAUSE) SOMETIMES I'LL USE THE KID'S

  • URINAL, SO I FEEL LIKE A GIANT.

  • (LAUGHTER) FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.

  • >> WE FORGIVE YOU!

  • >> STEPHEN: THANKS.

  • IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU NEED TO BE FORGIVEN, TWEET ME YOUR

  • CONFESSION WITH THE HASHTAG "LATE SHOW CONFESSIONS" AND I'LL

  • SAY THEM ON AIR.

  • AND I'LL CONFESS RIGHT UP FRONT, WE WON'T PAY YOU ANYTHING.

AS YOU KNOW, I'M A PRACTICING CATHOLIC.

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晚間秀的午夜懺悔錄 (The Late Show's Midnight Confessions)

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    VoiceTube 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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