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  • YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE GREAT THINGS ABOUT HOSTING A TALK SHOW

  • IS THAT THERE'S JUST SO DARN MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.

  • SOMETIMES TOO MUCH.

  • HOW DO YOU CHOOSE?

  • I DON'T KNOW.

  • MY SOLUTION IS NOT TO CHOOSE AT ALL AND LET TECHNOLOGY TAKE

  • CONTROL.

  • THIS IS...

  • >> AUDIENCE: WHEEL!

  • OF!

  • NEWS!

  • ♪ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • >> Stephen: OH!

  • PEOPLE LOVE THE WHEEL!

  • AS YOU KNOW, WE'VE INSTALLED A GIANT

  • SPINNING WHEEL ON THE DOME OF THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER WITH

  • TOPICS LIKE "SPORTS," "ENTERTAINMENT" AND "CHINA" --

  • WHICH ISN'T A CATEGORY, IT'S WHERE WE HAD THE WHEEL MADE.

  • (LAUGHTER) THEN I'M GOING TO SPIN THE WHEEL

  • AND WHEREVER IT LANDS, THAT'S THE STORY I TALK ABOUT.

  • BRENDAN!

  • SAY HI TO BRENDAN, EVERYBODY!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) BRENDAN.

  • BRENDAN IS OUR LEAVER.

  • BRENDAN, GET DOWN AND HOLD THE LEVER FOR US.

  • BRENDAN.

  • WHEN YOU WERE IN COLLEGE, DID YOU THINK THIS WAS WHAT YOU

  • WOULD BE DOING WITH YOUR CAREER?

  • >> NO.

  • I WAS HOPING.

  • >> Stephen: LET THAT BE A LESSON.

  • STUDY HARD.

  • OKAY.

  • GET IN THERE.

  • COME ON.

  • IN THE PIT.

  • ALL RIGHT.

  • (CHEERING) WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY FOR THAT

  • BUT WE HAVE NOT COME UP WITH LEVER TECHNOLOGY.

  • DOWN HERE.

  • READY, BRENDAN?

  • >> READY.

  • >> Stephen: HERE WE GO!

  • SPIN IT!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) "RELIGION!"

  • PROTESTS HAVE BROKEN OUT IN NAPLES, ITALY, BECAUSE THE

  • PEOPLE THERE ARE AFRAID THE VATICAN WANTS TO SEIZE CONTROL

  • OF JEWELS BELONGING TO THE CITY'S PATRON, SAINT GENNARO.

  • INCLUDING, "SILVER BUSTS," "HEAVILY JEWELED NECKLACES AND

  • EARRINGS," "A GOLDEN MITRE" AND A "CEREMONIAL HEADDRESS STUDDED

  • WITH DIAMONDS, RUBIES AND EMERALDS."

  • SO I WANT TO TAKE A SECOND HERE AND ADDRESS THE VATICAN

  • DIRECTLY.

  • GUYS-- AND I FEEL COMFORTABLE SAYING GUYS BECAUSE THIS IS THE

  • VATICAN.

  • I SAY THIS OUT OF LOVE -- YOU HAVE TOO MANY JEWELS.

  • I HAVE BEEN TO THE VATICAN.

  • IT IS LIKE LIBERACE MEETS "HOARDERS."

  • YOU SHOULDN'T BE ADDING ANY MORE TREASURE.

  • YOU SHOULD BE MAKING THREE PILES IN THE POPE'S DRIVEWAY -- KEEP

  • THROW OUT, DONATE.

  • BUT NOT TO THE CHURCH!

  • THAT WON'T HELP.

  • AND BE HONEST, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU EVEN SAT IN THE CHAIR

  • OF SAINT PETER?

  • YOU JUST USE IT TO HANG YOUR VESTMENTS.

  • ALL RIGHT, LET HER RIP.

  • "CLIP WITHOUT CONTEXT!" CLIP ME, JIMMY!

  • >> NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

  • NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

  • >> STEPHEN: NO, IT'S NOT.

  • LET'S SPIN.

  • "A RECENT STUDY!" IN A RECENT STUDY, RESEARCHERS

  • ARE HAVING DRUG ADDICTS STRAP ON VIRTUAL REALITY HEADSETS TO SEE

  • IF THEY'RE MORE LIKELY TO RESIST HEROIN IN DIFFERENT SIMULATED

  • ENVIRONMENTS, ONE "WHERE THE DRUG IS SNORTED AND ONE WHERE IT

  • IS INJECTED."

  • THAT HAS GOT REAL WORLD APPLICATION BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW

  • JUNKIES ARE ALWAYS LIKE "WAIT A SECOND, YOU'RE OFFERING ME

  • HEROIN IN A DIFFERENT WAY THAN I'M USED TO?

  • I'M OUT OF HERE!

  • BUT FIRST, I'LL TAKE ALL THAT HEROIN."

  • SPIN!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND THE WHEEL OF NEWS LANDS

  • ON...

  • "NEWS!" LAST NIGHT WAS THE EIGHTH

  • DEMOCRATIC DEBATE, IN FLORIDA.

  • AT THIS POINT, BERNIE AND HILLARY REALLY SEEM LIKE JUST

  • ANOTHER OLD COUPLE TRAVELING THE COUNTRY, ARGUING ABOUT MONEY.

  • ( AS SANDERS ) "EXCUSE ME, I'M TALKING."

  • EXCUSE MY.

  • ( AS HILLARY ) "WHY IS THE CAR MAKING THAT

  • NOISE?

  • I TOLD YOU, YOU SHOULD HAVE BAILED OUT THE AUTO INDUSTRY!"

  • ( AS SANDERS ) "ZIP ZIP.

  • IN DENMARK, WE WOULD BE RIDING BIKES!"

  • BUT THERE WERE A FEW STAND OUT MOMENTS, LIKE WHEN SECRETARY

  • CLINTON DROPPED THIS SHOCKING CONFESSION.

  • >> LOOK, I HAVE SAID BEFORE AND IT WON'T SURPRISE ANYONE TO HEAR

  • ME SAY IT.

  • THIS IS NOT EASY FOR ME.

  • I AM NOT A NATURAL POLITICIAN, IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,

  • LIKE MY HUSBAND OR PRESIDENT OBAMA.

  • >> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT.

  • HILLARY CLINTON IS NOT A NATURAL POLITICIAN, UNLIKE HER OPPONENT,

  • THAT SMOOTH OPERATOR, "SLICK BERNIE SANDO."

YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE GREAT THINGS ABOUT HOSTING A TALK SHOW

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遲來的新聞輪III (The Late Show Wheel Of News III)

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