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  • YOU KNOW, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, THISÑi IS OUR 100th SHOW, RIGHT?

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 100 SHOWS TONIGHT.

  • I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY ON THE STAFF, I WANT TO THANK THE BAND

  • FOR BEING HERE.

  • I WANT TO THANK THE AUDIENCE, EVERYBODY WHO WORKS SO HARD ON

  • THE SHOW EVERY NIGHT.

  • EVEN AFTER ALL THIS TIME, IT IS HARD, SOME NIGHTS, TO DECIDE

  • WHAT I SHOULD TALK ABOUT.

  • THERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON.

  • SHOULD I TALK ABOUT THE FIGHT OVER THE SUPREME COURT VACANCY

  • OR THE BIRTH OF THE BOSTON ZOO'S NEW BABY GOAT?

  • OH, MY GOD, HE IS ADORABLE.

  • (LAUGHTER) SENATE, CONFIRM HIS NOMINATION.

  • (LAUGHTER) FORTUNATELY, I DON'T HAVE TO

  • DECIDE WHAT TO COVER BECAUSE, TONIGHT, I AM RELINQUISHING

  • TOTAL EDITORIAL CONTROL TO THE...

  • >> AUDIENCE: WHEEL!

  • OF!

  • NEWS!

  • ♪ >> STEPHEN: HERE'S HOW THIS

  • WORKS.

  • WE HAVE INSTALLED A GIANT SPINNING WHEEL ON THE CEILING OF

  • THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER WITH CATEGORIES LIKE "ENTERTAINMENT,"

  • "POLITICS," "SPORTS", "POTPOURRI."

  • IT IS AN ACTUAL PHYSICAL WHEEL BOLTED TO THE CEILING WEIGHING

  • 17,000 POUNDS.

  • IT COULD SNAP OFF AT ANY SECOND AND CRUSH EVERYONE IN THE

  • BALCONY-- THAT IS WHY THE TICKETS ARE FREE.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) BUT YOU WILL MAKE IT INTO THE IN

  • ME MORE YUM REEL.

  • (LAUGHTER) WHEN I PULL THIS LEVER, THE

  • WHEEL SPINS, THEN I TALK ABOUT WHATEVER CATEGORY IT LANDS ON.

  • LONG TIME "WHEEL OF NEWS" VIEWERS KNOW THAT THE FIRST TIME

  • WE SPUN THIS THING THERE WAS A SLIGHT PROBLEM IN THAT I DID NOT

  • GIVE MY TEAM ENOUGH TIME TO WORK ON IT.

  • SO I HAD MY SCENIC, BRENDAN, COME OUT FROM UNDER MY DESK AND

  • SPIN A SMALLER WHEEL.

  • BUT GREAT NEWS, THIS WEEK, I WAS GENEROUS AND GAVE MY TEAM BARELY

  • ENOUGH TIME TO MAKE THE SPINNING WHEEL.

  • SO LET'S NEWS IT.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ( WHEEL CLICKING )

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "PRODUCT RECALL!"

  • YOU REALLY HAVE TO FEIGN INTEREST IN THE SUBJECT QUICK

  • THAN THAT.

  • (LAUGHTER) EARLIER THIS WEEK, THE MARS

  • CORPORATION ISSUED A RECALL IN 55 COUNTRIES WHEN IT WAS

  • REVEALED THAT A WOMAN IN GERMANY FOUND RED PLASTIC IN HER

  • SNICKERS BAR.

  • JUST LIKE THE SLOGAN: "HUNGRY?

  • WHY WAIT?" BECAUSE YOU COULD CHOKE ON

  • SHARDS OF PLASTIC.

  • (LAUGHTER) THIS DISCOVERY LEFT THE WOMAN

  • FEELING A COMBINATION OF "HUNGRY" AND "ANGRY" THAT

  • SNICKERS LIKES TO CALL "LITIGIOUS."

  • (LAUGHTER) POP A WHEELIE!

  • ( WHEEL CLICKING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • "POLITICS!" (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • ACCORDING TO THE "WALL STREET JOURNAL," DONALD TRUMP'S

  • CAMPAIGN MIGHT BE DESTROYING MARRIAGES, WHICH IS SHOCKING.

  • UP TILL NOW, ALL TRUMP WAS DESTROYING IS THE REPUBLICAN

  • PARTY.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) APPARENTLY, TRUMP HAS BEEN

  • CAUSING HUSBANDS AND WIVES TO ARGUE UNTIL THEY'RE ORANGE IN

  • THE FACE.

  • (LAUGHTER) ONE COUPLE DISAGREES SO STRONGLY

  • THAT THEY'VE INSTITUTED A RULE: WHEN TRUMP COMES ON THE TV, THEY

  • SWITCH TO THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC CHANNEL BECAUSE,

  • WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED, TURNING OFF THE TV IS NOT AN OPTION.

  • (LAUGHTER) LET'S SPIN!

  • ( WHEEL CLICKING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • 5000!

  • I WON 5000!

  • ( "PRICE IS RIGHT" THEME ) I CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT OF

  • WHAT.

  • SPIN CITY!

  • ( WHEEL CLICKING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • "A RECENT STUDY!" (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • ACCORDING TO A RECENT STUDY, BOTH MEN AND WOMEN AGREE THAT,

  • BEFORE SETTLING DOWN WITH ONE PERSON, TEN IS THE IDEAL NUMBER

  • OF LOVERS TO HAVE, AND IT SHOULD TAKE AT LEAST SIX NIGHTS TO GET

  • THERE.

  • (LAUGHTER) THE POLL FOUND THAT THOSE WHO

  • HAVE HAD MORE THAN TEN SEXUAL PARTNERS WERE CONSIDERED TO BE

  • PROMISCUOUS, WHILE HAVING LESS THAN TEN WOULD BE CONSIDERED

  • "SEXUALLY INEXPERIENCED."

  • HMM... LESS THAN TEN MAKES YOU INEXPERIENCED AND MORE THAN TEN

  • MAKES YOU PROMISCUOUS.

  • I GUESS THAT MEANS THAT I AM...

  • MOVING ON.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ( WHEEL CLICKING )

  • "CLIP WITHOUT CONTEXT!" (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • JIM?

  • >> I AM VERY TIRED.

  • (LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: MORE THAN TEN

  • LOVERS!

  • TO THE SPIN ZONE!

  • ( WHEEL CLICKING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • "BUY A VOWEL!" HMMM...

  • AN "E!" (DING)

  • HUH, I AM GOING TO SAY...

  • THE "LAKE SHOW?" (BUZZER)

  • OH, SHOOT, WHAT DID I WAGER?

  • DAMN IT!

  • NEXT SUBJECT.

  • ( "PRICE IS RIGHT" LOSING.

  • SOUND ) OKAY, NEXT TOPIC.

  • ( WHEEL CLICKING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • "THREE-SECOND DRUM SOLO!" (DRUM SOLO)

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ( WHEEL CLICKING )

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "MARS!"

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YOU'RE GETTING TIRED.

  • (LAUGHTER) NASA RESEARCHERS ARE WORKING ON

  • A NEW PROPULSION SYSTEM THAT WOULD ALLOW A SPACECRAFT TO

  • REACH MARS IN THREE DAYS, WHICH MEANS FUTURE ASTRONAUTS WON'T

  • HAVE TO WASTE ALL THAT TIME IN TRANSIT BEFORE DYING ALONE ON

  • MARS.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WHOO!

  • ( WHEEL CLICKING ) "WHERE'S BRENDAN?"

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) GREAT QUESTION, WHEEL.

  • HE'S STILL UNDER MY DESK.

  • SAY HI TO BRENDAN, EVERYONE!

  • HE'S RIGHT HERE!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YOU OKAY?

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: THAT TOOK A LITTLE WHILE FOR YOU TO GET UP HERE.

  • A LITTLE CRAMPED DOWN THERE?

  • >> PINS AND NEEDLES.

  • >> Stephen: ANY FEELINGS IN YOUR LEGS?

  • >> NO.

  • >> Stephen: I NEED YOU TO GET BACK DOWN THERE.

  • SAY GOODBYE TO BRENDAN, EVERYBODY!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HERE WE GO!

  • ( WHEEL CLICKING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • ANOTHER "RECENT STUDY!" (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • A RECENT STUDY FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF KONSTANZ IN

  • GERMANY FOUND THAT EATING IN THE DARK CAN HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT.

  • MAKES SENSE.

  • IN THE DARK, THERE IS NO WAY TO TELL WHETHER YOU ARE EATING A

  • PINT OF ICE CREAM OR A SALAD.

  • NO WHAMMIES!

  • ( WHEEL CLICKING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • "TENNIS BALLS!" (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • OH!

  • HERE WE GO!

  • "SPORTS!" (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • AMERICA'S PASTIME!

  • OTHER THAN TONIGHT'S SPORT: SOCCER.

  • FIFA, THE INTERNATIONAL SOCCER AND BRIBE-TAKING ORGANIZATION,

  • IS READY TO ELECT A NEW PRESIDENT.

  • LAST YEAR, A CORRUPTION SCANDAL ENDED THE CAREER OF FORMER FIFA

  • PRESIDENT AND GASTROINTESTINAL DISORDER, SEPP BLATTER.

  • (LAUGHTER) SOUNDS LIKE AN UNUSUAL NAME

  • UNTIL YOU FIND OUT THAT "SEPP" WITH TWO PS IS ACTUALLY SHORT

  • FOR SEPPP WITH THREE PS.

  • (LAUGHTER) AND SEPP BLATTER WILL BE A TOUGH

  • NAME TO LOSE, BUT, FORTUNATELY, TWO OF THE CANDIDATES TO

  • REPLACE HIM ARE NAMED JEROME CHAMPAGNE AND TOKYO SEXWALE.

  • (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)

  • BOTH REAL HUMAN NAMES AND THINGS YOU CAN BUY OUT OF VENDING

  • MACHINES IN JAPAN.

  • (LAUGHTER) PERSONALLY, IT TAKES ME A COUPLE

  • JEROME CHAMPAGNES BEFORE I'M READY FOR THE TOKYO SEXWALE.

  • (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)

  • FEWER THAN TEN!

  • (LAUGHTER) SO THESE ARE THE GUYS TO BEAT,

  • BUT I'VE GOT MY EYE ON SOME OTHER PROMISING FIFA CANDIDATES:

  • OKINAWA HUMPDOLPHIN, FLUPPP BOWELSORE, JOHNNY T. CHANDELIER,

  • BARCHIBALD TIMECOP, SHEIKH GOGURT MONTOYA, KRUSS

  • SNACKWAGON, ADMIRAL FLINTSTONE JETSON, THE CINCINNATTI HANGMAN.

  • SHAMWOW CHIA-PET, MONTGOMERY NO-SCRUPLES, SWIPE BRIBETAKER

  • AND THE AMAZING CORRUPTO.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WHEEL ME!

  • ( WHEEL CLICKING ) YAY!

  • COMMERCIAL BREAK!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TIM

  • DALY.

YOU KNOW, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, THISÑi IS OUR 100th SHOW, RIGHT?

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遲來的新聞輪II (The Late Show Wheel Of News II)

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