2005年5月大衛-萊特曼晚間秀 (May 2005 Late Show With David Letterman)

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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
LIKE I NEED ANOTHER T-SHIRT.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M SO
HAPPY YOU PEOPLE ARE HERE
TONIGHT BECAUSE YOU SEEM LIKE A
WONDERFUL GROUP.
AND I HATE -- I HATE TALKING
ABOUT PEOPLE WHEN THEY'RE NOT
HERE.
BUT BOY LAST NIGHT'S AUDIENCE,
OH MY GOD.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: WHAT A ROUGH CROWD.
HALFWAY THROUGH THE PROGRAM THEY
GOT COLD FEET AND HOPPED ON A
BUS TO ALBUQUERQUE.
AWFUL!
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: HATE THAT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,
THE RUN AWAY BRIDE, REMEMBER
THIS.
A WOMAN DOWN IN GEORGIA, SHE SHE
FAKES HER OWN KIDNAPPING AND
TAKES A HIKE AM BUT YOU KNOW,
HER HUSBAND-TO-BE, JOHN MASON,
THE JILTED GROOM, HE SAYS THAT
HE STILL WOULD LIKE TO GO AHEAD
WITH THE WEDDING.
HE STILL WANTS TO GO AHEAD WITH
THE WEDDING
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: JOHN, LISTEN TO ME --
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: YOU'VE GOT AN OUT.
THIS IS A GIFT FROM GOD.
GRAB IT.
YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN SAVED.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: WHAT ARE YOU NUTS!
YOU FOLKS LIKE PRIME-TIME TV
SPECIALS.
>> Paul: OH, YEAH.
>> Dave: WELL, EARLIER TONIGHT
RIGHT HERE ON CBS WE WERE LUCKY
ENOUGH TO HAVE A BLOCKBUSTER, IT
WAS A Dr. PHIL SPECIAL.
>> Paul: OH.
>> Dave: SO THAT MEANS FOR ONE
NIGHT ONLY I'M NOT THE DULLEST
GUY ON CBS.
>> Paul: AAAHHH!
>> Dave: THANK GOD.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU
FOLKS KNOW ABOUT PAT O'BRIEN,
YOU KNOW WHO PAT O'BRIEN IS?
WELL, HE IS THIS GUY, AND HE'S
ON THIS SHOW CALLED THE
HOLLYWOOD INSIDER.
YEAH, AND WHAT PAT WOULD LIKE TO
DO IS GET ALL LIQUORED UP AND --
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: AND MAKE OBSCENE PHONE
CALLS TO STAFF MEMBERS.
AND YOU KNOW, I WISH I HAD A
NICKEL FOR EVERY TIME I'VE DONE
THAT.
>> Paul: REALLY?
>> BUT HERE'S THE PROBLEM.
PAT GOT CAUGHT.
SO WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT YOU GOT
TO GO TO REHAB.
SO ANYWAY, HE'S GOING TO BE ON
THE DOCTOR PHIL SPECIAL.
AND PAT O'BRIEN SAYS HE KNEW
THAT HE HAD ACTUALLY HIT BOTTOM
WHEN HE AGREED TO BE ON THE
DOCTOR PHIL SHOW.
(APPLAUSE)
THEY GOT A HOLD OF HIM AND --.
I AM FEELING PRETTY GOOD ABOUT
TONIGHT'S SHOW.
I THINK IT IS GOING TO BE A
WONDERFUL SHOW BECAUSE I'VE BEEN
GETTING SPECIAL BACKSTAGE
COACHING FROM PAULA ABDUL.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: YOU KNOW THAT "AMERICAN
IDOL" SHOW, WHAT IT IS A TALENT
CONTEST AND THE SHOW COMES ON
EVERY COUPLE OF NIGHTS AND
THEY'RE LOOKING FOR THE NEXT
AMERICAN IDOL.
AND, YEAH, SO IT TURNS OUT THAT
ONE OF THE JUDGES ON THE SHOW
PAULA ABDUL, THEY SAY, WAS
HAVING LIKE A SEXUAL
RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS
CONTESTANT NAMED CORY CLARK.
AND HE SAID THAT THE
RELATIONSHIP STARTED OUT AS A
FRIENDSHIP AND THEN IT BECAME
SEXUAL.
AND I, YOU KNOW, I CAN --
BECAUSE THE SAME THING HAPPENED
WITH ME AND
HAS BEEN IN,
WELL OVER EIGHT OR NINE BILLION
DOLLARS.
BECAUSE HE'S BEEN IN ALL OF THE
LORD OF THE RINGS MOVIES.
IN LORD OF THE RINGS ONE.
LORD OF THE RINGS TWO.
AND THE LORD OF THE RINGS
STRIKES BACK.
>> Paul: STRIKES BACK
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: HE WAS IN ALL THREE OF
THOSE.
AND HE WAS IN THE MANY, MANY
OTHER MOVIES, IT IS INTERESTING,
I BELIEVE, THAT EVERY MOVIE THIS
KID HAS APPEARED IN, HE HAS BEEN
DRESSED IN A COSTUME.
>> Paul: OH, REALLY, A COSTUME
DRAMA.
>> Dave: SOME KIND OF COSTUME
DRAMA AND IN ANOTHER BRAND-NEW
BLOCKBUSTER COSTUME SHOW "KICK
DOM OF HEAVEN" WHICH OPENS ON
FRIDAY, ORLANDO BLOOM IS JOINING
US.
>> Paul: OH MY GOODNESS.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Paul: HE'S VERY POPULAR WITH
THE YOUNG GALS.
>> VERY POPULAR.
AND SINCE HE'S SO ACCUSTOMED TO
APPEARING IN THESE HUGE
SPECTACULAR COSTUME-PERIOD
MOVIES, WE WERE TALKING UP
STAGE, I WONDER WILL HE COME OUT
TONIGHT IN A COSTUME.
AND ONE OF THE FOLKS UP THERE, I
BELIEVE JUSTIN SINGLE SAYS HE
THINKS WILL PROBABLY COME OUT
DRESSED AS A POLICEMAN.
>> Paul: HE ALWAYS APPEARS IN
COSTUME.
>> Dave: THAT'S RIGHT.
EARLIER TONIGHT THERE WAS THE
PAT O'BRIEN-Dr. PHIL SPECIAL.
AND PAT O'BRIEN HAD TO COME
CLEAN.
AND YOU KNOW, I WAS TALKING TO
SOMEBODY ABOUT THIS YESTERDAY.
IN THE OLD DAYS YOU COULD DO
THAT.
YOU COULD GET LIQUORED UP AND
TAKE A LOT OF PILLS AND CALL UP
BABES AND NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN.
AND BUT NOW OOOH, EVERYBODY IS
TO TOUCHY.
>> Paul: IT'S A SHAME REALLY.
>> Dave: YEAH.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: THAT IS HOW I USED TO
HAVE FUN.
>> Paul: I KNOW.
>> Dave: NOW WHEN I USED IT DO
IT THERE WERE NO LAWSUITS AND I
DIDN'T HAVE TO GO TO REHAB.
IT WASN'T -- YOU JUST GET OH,
STOP CALLING ME.
THAT IS WHAT YOU WOULD GET AND
YOU -- OF COURSE YOU WOULD STOP
CALLING.
>> CALL SOMEBODY ELSE.
>> Dave: EXACTLY, THAT'S RIGHT.
>> YEAH, WELL ANYWAY Dr. PHIL IS
ON THE PAT O'BRIEN SHOW -- NO,
WRONG, WHO IS ON THE --
>> PAT O'BRIEN IS ON THE DOCTOR
PHIL SHOW.
>> Dave: PAT O'BRIEN IS ON THE
DOCTOR PHIL SHOW.
TAKE A LOOK.
>> YOU'VE HEARD THE SHOCKING
VOICE-MAILS.
NOW PAT O'BRIEN COMES CLEAN TO
Dr. PHIL ABOUT HIS LONG HISTORY
THEN AFTER LISTENING TO AN HOUR
OF Dr. PHIL'S BULL --, HE DIVES
HEAD FIRST INTO A PILE OF PILLS
AND BOOS.
ONLY ON CBS.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: I'M TELLING YOU,
SOMETHING.
IF YOU CAN'T GET DRUNK AND CALL
WOMEN, THE$POPULATION OF THIS
PLANET WOULD BE ZERO.
>> Paul: YOU GET DRUNK, CALL
THEM, THEN THEY INVITE YOU OVER.
>> Dave: WELL, YEAH.
>> Paul: IT DOESN'T ALWAYS
HAPPEN.
>> Dave: YOU HAVE TO DO
SOMETHING TO GET YOUR NERVE UP,
DON'T YOU.
>> Paul: YEAH, YOU HAVE A TAKE A
DRINK OR SOMETHING INTO MAYBE I
HAVE SAID TOO MUCH ABOUT MYSELF
HERE.
YOU KNOW, STAR WARS IS COMING
OUT.
AND TALK ABOUT STAR WARS, BOY,
THERE HAS BEEN --
(LAUGHTER) BABE A CARD ♪♪
♪ OH YEAH.
STOP CALLING ME, I'M SERIOUS.
THESE ARE MOTHER'S DAY CARDS.
THEY'RE BRAND-NEW BUT IF YOU
HURRY YOU CAN RUN RIGHT OU TO A
CARD STORE OR THING AND GET
THEM.
WHAT OTHER STORE COULD YOU GET
THEM.
>> Paul: PRETTY MUCH THAT'S IT.
A CARD STORE.
>> Dave: UH-HUH, OKAY.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: HERE WE GO.
NUMBER ONE, MOM, SORRY YOUR
ELECTRONIC ANKLE BRACELET WON'T
ALLOW YOU TO MEET ME FOR DINNER.
OR BRUNCH.
>> Paul: IF YOU HAVE ONE OF
THOSE BRACELETS YOU CAN'T REALLY
MAKE DINNER OR BRUNCH.
>> Dave: THA
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: NUMBER THREE.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
MOM, THE GUYS AT SCHOOL ENJOY
THE NAKED PHOTOS OF YOU ON THE
TERNET.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ARE YOU IN LUCK BECAUSE TONIGHT
WE ARE GOING TO SHOW YOU WHAT
THE SAME MOTHER'S CARD JOKE
WOULD LOOK LIKE IF IT WERE DONE
ON SPANISH TELEVISION, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYING.
IN A DRAM ATIZATION WE WILL SHOW
YOU WHAT THIS SAME JOKE WOULD
LOOK LIKE PRESENTED ON SPANISH
TELEVISION.
[♪♪♪]
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
[♪♪♪♪]
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: SPANISH TELEVISION.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OKAY.
>> Paul: IT'S FUNNY ON SPANISH
TELEVISION.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: EVER SINCE YOU WERE ON
THAT REALITY SHOW MY FRIENDS
THINK YOU ARE A SHUT.
MOTHER'S DAY CARDS.
YOU NOTICE THEY CHANGED OVER THE
YEARS.
(APPLAUSE)
INTO OKAY NOW, ANOTHER ONE.
DAD MAY HAVE TEN WIVES BUT YOU
ARE THE BEST OF THEM ALL.
LOVE CAITLIN BIN LADEN.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: I WONDER WHAT THIS JOKE
WOULD BE LIKE, THIS MOTHER'S DAY
CARD, IF THE SAME THING WERE
PRESENTED ON A SPANISH
TELEVISION SHOW.
[♪♪♪]
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
[♪♪♪♪]
(APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: AND FINALLY, WHAT ARE
THE CHANCES OF THIS WORKING?
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: LAYOFF THE COUNTRIES Y
CREAM YOU ARE STARTING TO LOOK
LIKE
>> Dave: YOU KNOW WHAT, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, WE DECIDED OUR
INTERNS, EVERY SEMESTER WE GET
COLLEGE INTERNS AND THEY COME
AND THEY WORK AND THEY LEARN HOW
TO DO, TO WORK IN TELEVISION AND
SO FORTH.
WELL, OUR CURRENT LATE SHOW
INTERNS ARE NEARING THE END OF
THEIR TIME WITH US THIS SPRING.
SO WHAT WE THOUGHT WE WOULD DO
TONIGHT IS INVITE ONE OF THE
INTERNS OUT HERE AND HAVE HIM OR
HER DESCRIBE A MEMORABLE MOMENT
FROM THIS PAST SEMESTER.
I THINK THIS IS A NICE WAY TO
SEND THEM OFF.
SO HERE NOW, I WANT YOU TO GIVE
A NICE WELCOME TO OUR PRODUCTION
INTERN FRANK MACKELROY.
COME ON OUT AND TELL US ABOUT A
MEMORABLE MOMENT FROM YOUR
INTERNSHIP.
(APPLAUSE)
>> TWO WEEKS AGO I FINALLY GOT
TO MEET DAVE.
WE ROAD IN THE ELEVATOR
TOGETHER.
DAVE PRETENDED TO CHECK HIS CELL
PHONE AND VOICE-MAIL SO HE
WOULDN'T HAVE TO TALK TO ME.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: THANK YOU, FRANK.
GOOD LUCK.(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: OUR FIRST GUEST IS A
TALENTED ACTOR STARRING IN A NEW
FILM ENTITLED "KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
IT OPENS ON FRIDAY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ORLANDO
BLOOM!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
INTO WOW!
PRETTY GOOD.
>> WELL, I THOUGHT SINCE YOU
LIKE TO SEE ME IN COSTUMES I
DIDN'T WANT TO LET YOU DOWN.
>> Dave: TREMENDOUS, AND
SOMEBODY PREDICTED IT WOULD BE A
POLICE OFFICER.
AND YOU LOOK GREAT.
>> Paul: THIS IS ACTUALLY MY
REAL GIG, YOU KNOW, THE ACTING
IS A PART-TIME THING.
>> Dave: THIS IS -- THIS IS
PROBABLY A STORY THAT YOU ARE
TIRED OF FELLING, BUT THE IDEA
THAT YOU WERE IN THE SCHOOL, YOU
WERE IN LIKE DRAMA SCHOOL IN
LONDON S THAT RIGHT.
>> Paul: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Dave: AND TWO DAYS BEFORE YOU
LEAF SCHOOL, YOU GET LIKE A
MAJOR MOTION PICTURE, DO I HAVE
THAT CORRECT.
>> Paul: THAT IS CORRECT.
>> Dave: AND HOW OLD A KID WERE
YOU, LIKE 21 OR SOMETHING.
>> Paul: 22.
>> Dave: 22 YEARS OLD.
HOW MANY YEARS HAD YOU BEEN
STUDYING ACTING AT THAT POINT.
>> Paul: WELL, I MOVED TO LONDON
WHEN I WAS 16 BECAUSE I WANTED
TO BE AN ACTOR.
I FINISHED MY EDUCATION.
>> Dave: WHAT HAPPENED AT 16
THAT MADE YOU WANT TO BE AN
ACTOR.
>> Paul: YOU KNOW, IT WAS
ACTUALLY YOUNGER THAN THAT, I
USED TO SEE THOSE GREAT
CHARACTER ON TV OR EVEN ON THE
STREET, STREET PERFORMERS OR
THEATRE PERFORMERS OR FILM
ACTORS.
AND WHEN I WAS ABOUT 9, I WAS
LIKE WOW!, I REALIZED THEY WERE
ACTUALLY ACTORS AND NOT THOSE
CHARACTERS, I THOUGHT WELL, IF I
INDO REALLY.I CAN BE ANYONE I
>> LUCKY TO BE ALIVE FOR GOD'S
SAKES.
NOW THESE MOVIES, A LOT OF YOUNG
GIRLS GO TO THE MOVIES.
AND A LOT OF YOUNG GIRLS ARE
EXCITED TO SEE YOU.
NOW THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED TO ME
IN MY LIFE.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Paul: I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.
>> Dave: NO, HONEST TO GOODE, IT
NEVER HAS.
NOT A LOT, YOU KNOW.
AND SO WHAT IS THAT LIKE IN YOUR
DAILY LIFE?
IS THAT -- IT HAS GOT TO BE A
GOOD THING OR DOES IT GET TO BE
A NUISANCE AFTER A WHILE?
>> YOU KNOW, A FRIEND OF MINE --
I WAS REALLY KIND OF NERVOUS
ABOUT ITO BEGIN WITH WHEN IT
STARTED TO HAPPEN.
AND A FRIEND OF MINE SAID TO ME,
HE SAID JUST RELAX.
HE SAID THERE WILL ALWAYS BE
YOUNG PEOPLE IN THE WORLD THERE
WILL ALWAYS BE THE NEXT NEW BOY
BAND, THE NEXT NEW YOUNG ACTORS
THAT PEOPLE WILL WANT TO PIN
THEIR HOPES, DREAMS AND
ASPIRATIONS ON TO SOMEBODY.
IF YOU ARE THAT PERSON FOR THAT
YOUNG PEOPLE WHILE THAT WINDOW
PASSES ENJOY IT AND GET ON WITH
IT.
FROM THAT POINT ON I WAS LIKE
YOU KNOW WHAT, IF IT WASN'T FOR
THIS PEOPLE, THIS MOVIE KINGDOM
OF HEAV EVEN IS A HUGE MOVIE, I
KNOW RIDLEY SCOTT GAVE ME THE
OPPORTUNITY BUT I DON'T KNOW
WHETHER THE FOX STUDIO HAVE HAVE
GIVEN A GAMBLE ON ME IF IT
WASN'T FOR THE SUPPORT OF MY
FANS SO I'M HUGELY GRATEFUL TO
THEM FOR THAT.
>> Dave: VERY NICELY SAID.
>> Paul: BUT WHEN ARE YOU OUT IN
PUBLIC IS THAT A PROBLEM.
CAN GO OUT TO DINNER.
>> WHEN I'M NOT WORKING I JUST
TRY TO KEEP IT AS NORMAL AS
POSSIBLE.
WHEN ARE YOU WORKING AND PEOPLE
THINK YOU COULD BE IN AN WEAR.
WHEN A FILM CREW COMES TO TOWN
IT IS LIKE THE CIRCUS COMES TO
TOWN AND PEOPLE ARE EXPECTING TO
SEE THE STARS.
BUT WHEN I'M NOT WORKING I JUST
TRY AND KEEP IT AS REAL AS
POSSIBLE TO STAY GROUNDED AS
POSSIBLE.
>> Dave: AND JUST SCREAMING
GIRLS EVERYWHERE?
>> IT CAN BE A LITTLE BIT LIKE
THAT.
>> AND WHAT DO Y DO, DO YOU
JUST KIND OF STEP OUT OF YOUR
TRAILER AND GO HEY, GIRLS?
>> YEAH.
>> Dave: IS THAT WHAT IT IS
LIKE?
AND WHAT DOES THAT FEEL LIKE?
>>.
>> FIRST THING IN THE MORNING IT
CAN FREAK YOU OUT.
>> Dave: I WOULD THINK SO.
>> OH, THEY ARE THERE ALL DAY?
>> IN SPAIN THEY WERE SCREAMING
AT THE WINDOW ALL NIGHT.
>> Dave: IN SPAIN IS.
>> I WONDER WHAT THAT WOULD BE
LIKE ON A SPANISH TELEVISION
SHOW.
AND NOW "KINGDOM OF HEAV EVEN --
HEAVEN" AND "TROY" AS WELL.
BUT KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, TELL US
ABOUT THIS.
THIS IS A FASCINATING FANTASY
TALE, MOHR OR LESS, ISN'T IT?
>> NOT REALLY
YOU KNOW WHAT I DO HAVE, I HAVE
SOMETHING FOR YOUR SON ACTUALLY,
I WILL TAKE THISfTm OFF BECAUSET
IS IN MY POCKET AND I CAN'T --
THIS IS FOR YOUR BOY.
IF YOU HAVEN'T KNIGHTED HIM YET
YOU WANT TO MAKE HIM A KNIGHT AS
SOON AS POSSIBLE.
I GOT IT UPTOWN IN MIDTOWN FROM
A SHOPíOÑ CALLED ENCHANTED, A
LITTLE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR
FOR HIM.
>> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ED.
>> I THOUGHT WELL IF YOU HAVE A
KNIGHT GET HIM STARTED IN THE
FILM OF KNIGHTHOOD.
>> I WILL JUST REMOVE ALL OF
THESE CHOKING HAZARDS.
BUT TILL IT IS THE SENTIMENT.
>> IT IS THE THOUGHT THAT
COUNTS.
>> Dave: BUT ANYWAY, YOU PLAY A
KNIGHT, YOU ARE KNIGHTED AND
TAKEN OFF TO A CAUSE, TO FIGHT
IN A CAUSE, THAT RIGHT.
>> YEAH, I AM.
YOU MEET THE CHARACTER I PLAY AT
THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE, HE
IS IN AN A NILISTIC STATE OF
DISILLUSION.
>> Dave: WIFE:úBR DIED, SON HAS
DIED.
>> EXACTLY, AND6 HE HAS AT A LOS
HOW GOD COULD ALLOW THIS TO
HAPPEN AND GOES TO THE HOLYFO8
LANDS TO FIND FORGIVENESS FOR
HIS SINS AND THE SIBS OF HIS
WIFE.
HE PLEATS HISO+ FATHER PLAYED BY
THE GREAT LEAN KNEESON. -- A DIH
INTEGRITY AND I THINK HE HAS
REALLY TACKLED IT, TAKEN IT BY
THE HORNS.
>> WE WILL TAKE A LOOK AT THE
SECOND OF IT.
>> IT IS "KINGDOM OF HEAVEN" DO
YOU KNOW WHAT WE ARE GOING TO
SEE, ORLANDO?
>> TELL ME.
(LAUGHTER)
>> I DO KNOW WHAT WE ARE GOING
TO SEE.
WE ARE GOING TO SEE THE BIT
WHERE I THINK I'M GOING TO
KNIGHT A GROUP OF PEASANTS IN
ORDER TO ATTACK.
>> Dave: OKAY, OPENS ON FRIDAY,
"KINGDOM OF HEAVEN"
>> BE BRAVE AND UPRIGHT THAT GOD
MAY LOVE THEE.
SPEAK THE TRUTH EVEN IF IT LEADS
TO YOUR DEATH.
SAVE GOD THE HELPLESS, THAT IS
YOUR OATH.
AND THAT IS SO YOU REMEMBER IT.
RISE A KNIGHT, RISE A KNIGHT!
WILL YOU ALTER THE WORLD?
MAKE HIM A KNIGHT MAKE HIM A
BETTER FIGHTER!
YES.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: POWERFUL.
VERY POWERFUL.
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN.
ORLANDO, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR
BEING HERE.
GREAT PLEASURE TO HAVE YOU WITH
US.
>> Dave: HOW ARE YOU?
WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
HOW ARE YOU?
NOW FIRST OF ALL, DO YOU THINK
YOU HAVE THE KANGAROO WORMS.
>> I MAY BRING ONE OUT HERE IN A
MINUTE AM I COULD HAVE THEM.
I WAS ON KANGAROO ISLAND AND ALL
THEY HAD TO EAT WAS KANGAROO.
I ATE IT AND THEY SAID IT COULD
HAVE WORMS.
THEY IF IT IS COMMERCIALLY
RAISED YOU DON'T HAVE TO -- I
DON'T WANT -- KANGAROO IS LIKE
COWS OVER THERE, THEY ARE EVERY
WRP.
I DON'T LIKE EATING IT BUT IS
THE ONLY THING I HAD TO EAT.
>> Dave: WAS IT TASTY,
ENJOYABLE.
>> IT TASTE LIKE KANGAROO I
NEVER TASTED IT BEFORE,.
>> Dave: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
YOU MAY BE BESET WITH WORMS.
>> BECAUSE I JUST GOT BACK 72
HOURS AGO AND LOST ABOUT THREE
POUNDS.
>> Dave: THAT IS WORMS.
>> I NEVER SEEN A KANGAROO WORM.
>> IS THAT COMMON.
>> NO, THE DOCTOR NEVER HEARD OF
KANGAROO WORMS.
>> IT MAY BE A FIGURE AM YOUR
IMAGINATION.
>> THE GUY TOLD ME I COULD GET
WORMS AFTER I ATE IT.
>> Dave: THE WAITER.
>> NO, NOT THE WAITER, THE MAN
WHO GREW THE KANG A RADIO.
I DON'T GO TO RESTAURANTS WHERE
I GO FILM.
I'M OUT IN THE WILD, IN THE
BUSH.
>> THE WAITER.
>> YOU THIS IS A MEMBER OF THE
RODENT FAMILY, AN OTTER.
THEY ARE FUR BEARING, CARNIVE
RUSS, THEY ARE MARSUPIAL, THEY
LIVE IN TREES AND THEY SWIM IN
WATER.
>> NO, THIS IS A BABY OTTER,
NEVER HAD AN OTTER.
>> Dave: VERY SOFT FUR.
>> THEY RIPP COMING BACK IN
MONTANA, OHIO.
>> Dave: THEY WERE ENDANGERED.
PEOPLE HADN'TED THEM.
>> FOR THEIR FUR.
ISN'T THAT GORGEOUS.
I JUST THINK THEY ARE --
>> BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO
DOMESTICATE THEM.
>> NEVER, THEY CAN BITE THE FIRE
OUT OF YOU.
>> Dave: DO WHAT.
>>.
>> Dave: .
>> BITE THE FIRE OUT OF YOU, IT
ONLY A BABY.
YOU CAN KISS IT.
>> Dave: I DON'T WANT TO KISS
THE OTTER.
>> IS A BABY.
>> Dave: I'M NOT KISSING THE
OTTER, JACK.
>> I TELL YOU WHAT, YOU WANT TO
SEE IT SWIM.
>> Dave: YEAH.
THAT IS WHAT OLTERS LIKE TO DO.
>> EXACTLY.
THEY'RE VERY SOCIAL.
JUST STAY RIGHT THERE.
>> BITING THE FIRE OUT OF
SOMEBODY.
>> WATT CERTIFICATE JUST RIGHT.
--
>> THANK GOD SOMETHING HAS GONE
RIGHT TONIGHT.
OH, LOOK AT THAT.
>> LOOK AT THIS.
THIS IS LIKE NATIONAL
GEOGRAPHIC.
>> Dave: BUT JACK, THE WATT
CERTIFICATE NOT DEEP ENOUGH,
REALLY.
>> YOU KNOW, I WAS WORRIED T IS
A BABY, DAVE.
>> Dave: HE IS JUST WALKING,
HE'S WADING.
>> HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE HIM
SINK.
>> Dave: I DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM
SINK.
>> THAT IS WHY, YOU PUT A BABY,
YOUR BABIES START SWIMMING YOU
PUT THEM --
>> HE IS LIKE WALKING AROUND A
DAMP BASEMENT
(LAUGHTER)
>> DAVE,.
>> Dave: GOT OTTERS IN YOUR
BASEMENT?
CALL THE COLUMBUS ZOO.
>> DAVE, WHEN YOU TEACH YOUR
CHILD HOW TO SWIM YOU PUT THEM
IN A SHALLOW POOL.
THAT IS WHAT I TRIED TO DO.
>> Dave: BUT YOU ARE SAYING THAT
AT THAT AGE THE OTTER LIKELY
DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM.
>> I NEVER BEEN AN OTTER.
I IMAGINE.
>> Dave: ALL RIGHT.
>> OH, DAVE, DAVE -- THANK YOU.
THAT IS THE --
>> THANKS FOR NOT WALKING IN
FRONT OF THE CAMERA.
>> THAT IS A GOOD POINT.
DIDN'T PUT THE POOL OVER THERE.
WHOA!
>> DON'T EVER DO THAT.
>> Dave: I I SEE A THING FLYING
AT ME.
>> DAVE, DAVE, WATCH THIS.
>> OH!
>> LOOK AT THIS, THEY EAT SNAKES
IT.
>> Dave: THAT IS A RUBBER SNAKE.
>> BUT WATCH HIM BEAT THIS SNAKE
TO DEATH.
>> Dave: I DON'T WANT HIM TO EAT
A RUBBER SNAKE.
>> WATCH THIS.
>> Dave: WHAT KIND OF BIRD.
>> A SARANOMA.
WATCH THIS, DAVE -- A WATER
BIRD?
LOOK AT THIS, HE EATS SNAKES,
THAT IS WHAT HE DOES, HE BEATS
THEM TO DEATH.
LOOK, LOOK AT HIM, IS THAT COOL?
HE JUST KILLED THE SNAKE.
GIVE HIM YOUR SNAKE.
YOU'VE GOT ONE UP THERE
SOMEWHERE.
(LAUGHTER)
>> TAKE THAT SNAKE AGAIN, FIRST.
LOOK AT THIS, WATCH.
I LOVE THAT.
IS THAT COOL OR WHAT?
>> WHERE DID WE FIND THESE
BIRDS.
>> THIS HERE IS A STORK, SOUTH
AMERICA, LONG LEGS, WHERE DID
THE SNAKE GO.
>> Dave: ARE THEY WATER BIRDS.
>> THEY ARE NOT WATER BIRDS, ARE
THEY?
THESE ARE PRAIRIE BIRDS OUT IN
THE BUSHES AND LOOK FOR SNAKES.
LOOK AT THIS.
I LOVE THIS.
OH, THE SNAKE TURN OVER THE
WRONG WAY.
BAM, WATCH THIS.
DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S
SOMETHING.
>> Dave: NOW WHAT DO THEY DO
ONCE THE SNAKE IS DEAD?
>> THEN THEY EAT IT BUT SEE WHAT
WE'RE DOING IS --
>> THAT IS CRUEL AND UNUSUAL.
>> IT'S A RUBBER SNAKE.
>> Dave: I UNDERSTAND THAT.
ANYWAY,.
>> THAT IS GREAT, ISN'T IT.
>> Dave: THAT IS NICE, JACK.
CAN YOU TELL US MORE ABOUT THE
BIRD.
>> THEY HAVE LONG LEGS AND IT'S
FROM SOUTH AMERICA.
IT IN THE PRAIRIES AND ITS
COUSIN IS THE PERMEISTER AND IT
HAS SHORT LEGS.
>> TWO DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF THE
SAME BIRD.
>> BUT IN THE BUSTARD BIRD, THEY
ARE A BIG OLD BIRD, THANK YOU SO
MUCH.
>> Dave: THANK YOU.
>> THAT GREAT, ISN'T IT.
>> Dave: BUT THE BIRD FLIES,
RIGHT.
>> HE FLIES.
>> Dave: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
HERE WITH JACK HANNA, LADIES AND
>> Dave: LIKE THAT.
LOOK AT THIS, JACK.
LOOK AT THIS.
JUST LIKE THAT, TAKE YOUR SUBBER
SNAKE, BANG.
JUST LIKE THAT.
>> MAKE SURE EVERYBODY KNOWS
IT'S RUBBER.
>> Dave: OKAY.
OH, IT IS A POODLE.
>> NO, IT NOT.
GUESS WHAT THIS IS?
>> WOW!, I HAVE NO -- I CAN'T
EVEN.
>> I DIDN'T KNOW EITHER.
>> Dave: JACK, WHAT HAVE YOU
DONE, IS THIS SOMETHING FROM THE
LAB.
>> NO, IT'S -- IT IS A RABBIT.
>> Dave: OH THIS IS THE RABBIT.
>> NO, THIS ISN'T IT.
>> Dave: OH, THIS ISN'T IT.
>> THIS ANOTHER KIND OF RABBIT.
I GOT THE BIG RABBIT COMING.
>> Dave: BUT WHAT IS THIS.
>> THIS IS AN ANGORA.
LOOK AT THAT.
>> Dave: OH MY GOD.
NOW THERE IS A RABBIT.
>> HOLY GOD ALMIGHTY.
>> WOW!.
>> Dave: THAT IS THE THIRD
LARGEST RABBIT IN THE WORLD
PROBABLY.
>> AN ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO BE
THIS LARGE.
>> I HAVE NEVER SEEN ONE THAT
BIG.
>> UH-HUH.
>> HIS BABIES ARE -- THIS RABBIT
DAVE, WON ALL THE RIBBONS --
>> FOR BIG RABBITS.
>> PROBABLY THE BIG RABBIT, I'M
NOT SURE WHAT CLASS IT IS IN.
>> HEAVYWEIGHT RABBITS BUT IS
THE RABBIT FULL OF STEROIDS,
JACK.
>> I KNEW THAT WAS COMING UP.
NO, WE DID NOT FEED IT STEROIDS.
>> WILL THIS EFFECT ITS
LONGEVITY.
>> IT PROBABLY COULD, HAVE A BIG
DOG, DIDN'T LIVE TOO LONG.
>> HOW OLD IS THIS, WHAT IS THE
BUBBEE'S NAME.
>> THIS IS JACK, JACK RABBIT.
I DON'T KNOW, I CAN'T NAME ALL
THESE, HOW WOULD I KNOW THE
NAMES OF ALL THESE ANIMALS I
>> Dave: ASK SOMEBODY BACKSTAGE.
>> WHAT IS THE NAME, Mrs. B.
THEY TOLD ME IT IS A FLEMISH
GIANT RABBIT NAMED Mrs. B.
>> I GOT TO SHOW YOU SOME MORE
ANIMALS.
>> ALL RIGHT, JACK.
BUT YOU NEVER REALLY SAID
ANYTHING ABOUT THAT ONE.
>> THIS IS AN AN GORA RABBIT,
ANGORA COAT, FUR.
YOU HAVE TO KEEP IT REAL COOL.
>> Dave: WE CAN'T EVEN SEE
ANYTHING IN THERE.
>> YOU PROBABLY THINK I'M
GLIINGD.
IT IS A RABBIT.
>> Dave: IT COULD BE A PUPPET,
JACK, IS ALL I'M SAYING.
>> IT COULD BE, NO, IT'S NOT A
PUPPET.
LOOK AT THIS HERE THIS IS FROM
BUSCH GARDENS, WILLIAMSBURG, ONE
OF THE FEW PLACES IN THE WORLD
YOU SEE THESE.
DAVE T THIS HERE IS A HAIRY
ARMADILLO.
NEVER IN MY LIFE --
>> WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE.
>> LOOK OUT.
OH, DAVE, NOTHING.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: SORRY, I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE IS A
MALE?
JACK, DON'T INTERRUPT THEM,
JACK.
>> YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IMPORTANT
THIS IS.
HAVING ARMADILLO'S BREED IS
RARE.
>> Dave: IS IT RARE?
>> I'M GLAD WE COULD BE HERE FOR
THIS.
WHAT YOU ARE SEEING RIGHT NOW, I
KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO CUT IT
PROBABLY BUT WHAT YOU ARE SEEING
HERE IS RARE.
>> Dave: IS UNUSUAL, YES.
>> HAVE YOU EVER SEEN -- HAVE
YOU EVER SEEN AN ARMADILLO
BREED?
>> NO, NEVER.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: YOU BETTER GET THEM OUT
OF THERE, JACK.
BECAUSE HE WILL BITE INTO
SOMETHING ELECTRIC.
JACK, YOU GET THEM OUT OF THERE
BECAUSE THEY WILL BITE INTO
SOMETHING ELECTRIC.
>> DAVE, THEY HAVE NO TEETH.
>> Dave: OH, WELL THEY -- THE
ARMADILLO DOES NOT HAVE TEETH.
>> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> THEY DON'T HAVE TEETH.
>> Dave: DON'T HAVE TEETH.
>> WHERE IS THE ARMADILLO.
>> OH!
HERE HE IS.
(LAUGHTER)
>> DAVE, DAVE, DAVE, THOSE --
>> HORNY BASTARDS, AIN'T THEY?
>> DAVE, I'M SERIOUS ABOUT THIS.
THAT CAME FROM ANOTHER ZOO.
THAT WAS MY FEMALE.
SO I DID NOT -- I SWEAR, THAT IS
AMAZING.
>> WELL, GOOD.
>> SO THIS IS A GOOD THING.
IF IT HAS A BABY I'M GOING TO
NAME IT DAVE.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: JACK HANNA, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
DWID
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
>> WHEN I LEFT INDIANA 30 YEARS
AGO, NOT ONCE DID I THINK THAT
ONE DAY I WOULD HAVE ARMADILLO'S
SCREWING ON MY DESK.
JUST NEVER DAWNED ON ME THAT
THAT WAS A LIKELIHOOD OR A
POSSIBILITY.
>> Paul: WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.
>> WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
MY THANKS ALSO TO JACK HANNA AND
ORLANDO BLOOM.
TOMORROW ON THE PROGRAM, LUKE
WILSON AND CASABIAN.
THAT'S THE PROGRAM.
NOW TRY TO GO TO SLEEP.

2005年5月 大衛-萊特曼晚間秀 (May 2005 Late Show With David Letterman)

2005年5月大衛-萊特曼晚間秀 (May 2005 Late Show With David Letterman)