大衛-萊特曼晚間秀 - 2005年 (Late Show with David Letterman - 2005)

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GENTLEMAN, COMEDIAN BRIAN REGAN.
THAT'S THE BIG PROGRAM FOR YOU.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I
HAVE HERE ON THE -- OOOP, I JUST
HUNG UP ON HIM, BOY, THAT'S A
MISTAKE.
>> Paul: OH NO!
>> Dave: ANYWAY T IS THE VOICE
OF THE KENTUCKY DERBY, DAVE
JOHNSON.
AND THIS IS THE 1 31st RUNNING
OF THE KENTUCKY DERBY.
AND AS YOU KNOW THE BEST PART
ABOUT WATCHING THE DERBY WHEN
THIS GUY DOES THE CALL, AND HE
COMES TO MAKE THE FINAL TURN AND
YOU HEAR THIS GUY SCREAMING, AND
DOWN THE SPRINT THEY COME!
>> Paul: THAT IS IT.
>> Dave: THAT'S RIGHT.
AND IF YOU ARE ANYTHING LIKE ME,
GOD FORBID --
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: WHEN YOU HEAR THIS YOU
ARE SO EXCITED YOU ARE JUMPING
UP AND DOWN ON THE COUCH.
>> Paul: I'M LIKE YOU.
>> Dave: YEAH, THANK YOU.
AND WE HAVE HIM ON THE PHONE
RIGHT HERE.
HEY, DAVE, HOW ARE YOU DOING.
>> GREAT, DAVE, HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M FINE.
ARE YOU ALL EXCITED ABOUT THE
DERBY?
>> I WAITED FOR THIS DAY FOR A
YEAR.
>> Dave: LET ME ASK YOU, IS IT
THE MOST EXCITING TWO MINUTES IN
SPORTS?
>> YES.
>> Dave: AND THIS WILL BE THE
1341s.
>> YES, AND I HAVEN'T BEEN THERE
FOR ALL OF THEM.
>> Dave: HOW MANY HAVE YOU BEEN
THERE FOR.
>> 29 OR 30.
>> Dave: AND WHO IS THE
FAVOURITE.
>> THE FAVOURITE IS BELLAMI ROAD
THE HORSE THAT GEORGE
STEINBRENNER OWNS.
>> Dave: I SEE.
AND DO YOU HAVE MONEY ON THE
EVENT?
>> ALWAYS.
>> Dave: HOW MUCH WILL YOU BET
TOMORROW?
>> SAME AS YOU, DAVE, SAME AS
LAST YEAR.
>> Dave: A MILLION?
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: YOU KNOW WHY WE CALLED,
DAVID.
>> Dave: .
>> OH, YEAH.
>> Dave: AND I DON'T WANT
ANYTHING, DON'T LAY BACK ON ME
HERE.
>> OKAY.
>> Dave: DON'T GET COLD FEET.
LET ME DO IT FIRST AND I WANT
YOU TO EMULATE WHAT I'M DOING.
>> OKAY.
>> Dave: AND DOWN THE TRACK THEY
COME!
YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING.
>> YES, DAVE.
>> Dave: YOU CAN DO THAT?
>> I CAN.
>> Dave: NOW YOU WILL SET UP A
LITTLE BIT OF A HYPOTHETICAL
HORSE RACE AND THEY MAKE THE
TURN AND THEN TAKE IT AWAY, HERE
WE GO, DAVE JOHNSON, GET READY
FOR REAL FUN, GET READY TO START
JUMPING UP AND DOWN ON YOUR
COUCH.
>> COMING FOR HOME T IS BELLAMI
ROAD STILL IN FRONT, CHARGING UP
ON THE OUTSIDE, HERE COMES HIGH
FLY AND HE SQUEEZES BETWEEN,
BADINI IS COMING ON.
AND DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: YEAH!
YEAH!
YEAH TO GO!
WAY TO GO!
BOY, YOU GOT ALL OF THAT ONE,
DAVE.
>> THANKS, DAVE.
>> Dave: HAVE A GREAT RACE.
>> THANKS, GOOD LUCK.
>> Dave: NICE CHATTING WITH
USE)
>> Dave: HOW ABOUT THAT?
YOU HOP UP ON THAT COUCH AND DIP
AND CHIPS GO FLYING!
AND DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME!
I WISH WE COULD USE THAT PHRASE
IN EVERY BIG LEAGUE SPORT.
>> Paul: I KNOW.
USE)ave: WOULDN'T IT BE FUN?
>> Dave: NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS
LAST WEEKEND, PRESIDENT BUSH MET
WITH SAUDI CROWN PRINCE ABDULLAH
DOWN IN CREWFORD, TEXAS, THERE
IS THE PRESIDENT AND CROWN
PRINCE, SEE THAT PHOTOGRAPH,
THEY ARE WALKING, DOES THAT LOOK
ODD TO YOU, THEY ARE WALKING
HAND-IN-HAND.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS UNUSUAL.
AND THEN LATER, LOOK, THEY WERE
PHOTOGRAPHED -- WHOA
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: AND HERE NOW IS THE
PHOTOGRAPH I FOUND MOST
DISTURBING.
LOOK AT THIS ONE.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: WHOA, NELLY!
>> Dave: CRAZY!
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: OKAY, THE 1 31st
RUNNING OF THE KENTUCKY DERBY AS
WE MENTIONED TAKES PLACE
TOMORROW.
AND THAT'S THE INSPIRATION FOR A
NEW SEGMENT WE CALL "JOKES FOR
JOCKEYS"
HOW TIMELY IS THIS.
>> Paul: JOKES FOR JOCKEYS.
>> Dave: A BRAND-NEW SEGMENT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE
WELCOME ARTHUR TRAVIS,
COMMISSIONER OF THE NATIONAL
THOROUGHBRED RACING ASSOCIATION.
Mr. TRAVIS, WHERE IS HE?
THERE HE IS, Mr. TRAVIS.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: JOKES FOR JOCKEYS.
ALL RIGHT, TAKE IT AWAY,
Mr. TRAVIS, ANY TIME ARE YOU
READY, JOKES FOR JOCKEYS, HERE
WE GO.
>> WHAT IS THE HARDEST TIME TO
WIN A HORSE RACE?
12:31 BECAUSE IT IS 29 TO 1.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
Mr. TRAVIS.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: ALL RIGHT, IS HE GONE
FOR THE LOVE OF -- ALL RIGHT,
GET HIM OUT OF -- GET YOUR OWN
SHOW.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: NOW TODAY MAY 6th IS
THE 68th ANNIVERSARY OF THE HIND
ENBERG DISASTER, TONIGHT WE ARE
GOING TO MARK THAT ANNIVERSARY
WITH ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF
SOMETHING CALLED "IT'S NOT SO
BAD WITH FUNNY MUSIC"
[♪♪♪]
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: TOO BAD.
>> Dave: PERHAPS THIS SEGMENT
COULD BE HELPED WITH FUNNY
MUSIC.
>> Paul: I KNOW, WELL -- TRYING.
>> Dave: IT WOULDN'T BE SO BAD.
>> Paul: WE'RE TRYING OVER HERE.
>> Dave: NO, YOU ARE FINE.
>> Paul: WE PLAYED SOME
HILARIOUS THINGS.
>> AND FINALLY MOTHER'S DAY IS
THIS WEEKEND SO WE ASKED OUR
ANNOUNCER TO SAY A FEW WORDS,
ALAN, TAKE IT AWAY, SIR.
>> THANK YOU, DAVE.
NOW THIS SUNDAY IS THE DAY WE
HONOR THE TIRELESS WOMEN WHOSE
SOOTHING WORDS WOULD COAX US
BACK TO SLEEP AFTER A NIGHTMARE.
THE WOMEN WHO DRY OUR TEARS
AFTER A SKINNED KNEE.
THE WOMEN WHO WOULD GIVE US A
SHINNY NICKEL NOT TO TELL DADDY
ABOUT Mr. WATKINS, THE GARDENER.
THE WOMEN WHO PLOP US IN FRONT
OF THE TELEVISION EVERY
AFTERNOON TO SHUT US UP WHILE
SHE GOT LOST IN A BOTTLE OF
CUDDYSARK.
THE WOMEN WHO ARRANGED FOR TRIPS
TO A SPECIALIST WHEN OUR
BEDWETTING PERSISTED THROUGH
COLLEGE.
(LAUGHTER)
>> THE BIM WHO PUT US IN DRESSES
TO TRY TO FORCE US TO BECOME THE
DAUGHTER SHE NEVER HAD.
WHAT KIND OF SADDISTIC SHREW
PUTS A STRAPPING HIGH SCHOOL BOY
IN A DRESS?
WHY DON'T YOU GET THE GARDENER
TO TAKE YOU TO -- RED -- LOBSTER
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: THAT IS KIND OF AN UGLY
ECK.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL, YOU
PUNK!
NOW, ANGIE, WHAT IS YOUR TRICK
FOR US TONIGHT, YOUR STUPID
HUMAN TRICK.
>> I CAN MAKE A SOUND JUST LIKE
A CAR ALARM GOING OFF.
>> Dave: REALLY?
>> YES.
>> Dave: WOW!.
AND DO I NEED TO TICKLE YOU OR
ANYTHING.
>> NOPE.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: THAT'S TOO BAD.
ALL RIGHT.
ANYTHING YOU NEED FROM THE BAND?
>> NOTHING, NOTHING.
>> Dave: OKAY, ANGIE GREEN GOING
TO MAKE THE SOUND OF A CAR ALARM
BEING SET OFF.
TAKE AWAY.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
(APPLAUSE)
I.
>> Dave: VERY NICE.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Dave: TAKE A LOOK AT THAT IN
SLOW MOTION INSTANT REPLAY.
THERE SHE IS.
YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT
ANY PUNKS, ANGIE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, TRAVEL
SAFELY BACK TO COLORADO, NICE
MEET YOU, ANGIE GREEN,
KEEP MOVING ALONG HERE.
ADAM, WHAT IS YOUR TRICK FOR US
TONIGHT.
>> I CAN DO PUSH-UPS IN TO HAND
STANDS WITHOUT USING MY FEET.
>> Dave: LET'S GO THROUGH THIS,
YOU WILL DO PUSH-UPS AND THEN
FROM A PUSH-UP IT IS A HAND
STAND AND NO FEET INVOLVED.
>> NO FEET INVOLVED.
>> Dave: .
>> THEY ARE STILL ATTACHED TO MY
BODY BUT I WON'T USE MY FEET TO
GET MYSELF UP OFF THE GROUND.
>> Dave: BUT USING YOUR FEET FOR
THE PUSH-UP.
>> NO, I LAY FLAT ON THE FLOOR
ON MY STOMACH AND JUST USING MY
ARMS I PRESS STRAIGHT UP INTO A
HAND STAND, COME BACK DOWN, NO
OTHER PART OF PIE BODY TOUCHES
THE GROUND AND I GO BACK UP AND
DO THIS THREE TIMES.
>> THAT CAN'T BE DONE.
(LAUGHTER)
ARE YOU READY?
>> I'M READY.
>> Dave: MUSIC, DRUMROLL, WHAT
DO YOU WANT.
>> A DRUMROLL PLEASE.
>> Dave: TAKE IT A WHAT.
ADAM BROWN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
FROM VICTORIA, BRITISH COLUMBIA.
LET'S SEE WHAT THIS IS?
WHOA!
WHOA!
>> Paul: WOW!
>> Dave: OH MY GOD.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: UNBELIEVABLE.
UNBELIEVABLE!
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
>> I TOUCHED THE GROUND.
>> Dave: LOOK AT THAT.
THIS JUST AN AMAZING, AND FOR A
SECOND THERE I THOUGHT MAYBE A
CAR ALARM WOULD GO OFF.
(LAUGHTER)
>> T
>> Dave: YEAH, ARE YOU QUITE
WELCOME, BRAD.
NOW WHAT -- WHAT IS THE TRICK
YOU ARE GOING TO DO FOR US
TONIGHT?
>> I'M GOING TO BALANCE THREE
GOLF CLUBS AND A BALL ON MY
FACE.
>> Dave: OH MY GOD.
WELL, IF THAT DOESN'T SET OFF A
CAR ALARM.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: ALL RIGHT, AND MUSIC
FOR THIS?
YOU WANT ANYTHING FROM THE GUYS.
>> WHATEVER THEY WANT TO PLAY.
>> Dave: OKAY, KIDS, TAKE IT
AWAY.
I WILL HOLD YOUR CLS, LET ME
KNOW WHEN YOU NEED THEM.
BALANCING CLUB AND A BALL ON HIS
FACEMENT BRAD WESTIN, OR SO HE
SAYS.
OH MY GOD, LOOK AT THAT.
IT IS A PARTY IN ITSELF RIGHT
HERE
[♪♪♪]
>> CAN I HAVE THE WOOD?
[♪♪♪]
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: WHOA!
WOW!
HOW ABOUT THAT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Dave: TAKE A BOW, MY GOD.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Dave: LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT
THIS SLOW MOTION INSTANT REPLAY.
THAT'S AMAZING!
NOW THAT, YOU ARE A BIG EVENT
PLANNER, AND TO MY WAY OF
THINKING THAT IS A BIG EVENT
RIGHT THERE.
DID YOU EVER DO THAT AT ANY OF
THE EVENTS THAT YOU PLANNED.
>> YEAH, OCCASIONALLY.
>> Dave: WRE.
OH MY GOODNESS.
>> WOW!.
>> Dave: TELL US THIS STORY
ABOUT AT ONE POINT YOU DATED
BRAD PITT.
DOW MIND TELLING US THAT STORY.
>> SORRY, BRAD, I FEW THIS STORY
WAS GOING TO SURFACE AT SOME
POINT.
WE WERE REALLY GOOD F WHEN
I WAS ABOUT 16 FOR A FEW YEARS,
WE WERE VERY GOOD FRIENDS.
>> Dave: WORKING TOGETHER OR
SOMETHING.
>> NO, NO, WE WERE JUST PART OF
THIS GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT HUNG
OUT.
AND WE DECIDED TO SORT OF CROSS
THE FRIENDS LINE.
AND WE WENT TO THE MTV MOVIE
AWARDS TOGETHER.
>> Dave: AND AND IS THAT THE
DEFINITION OF CRIES CROSSING THE
LINE OF FRIENDSHIP.
>> THAT WAS IT.
WE KIND OF LOOKED AT EACH OTHER
AND WENT HMM, KIND OF CUTE,
DIDN'T REALLY KNOW THAT.
SO WE WENT TO THE MTV AWARDS AND
YOU KNOW, I -- I DITCHED HIM.
I LEFT HIM THERE.
AND I FELT REALLY BAD ABOUT IT.
I REALLY, REALLY DO.
BUT -- I KIND OF -- I LEFT WITH
SOMEBODY ELSE.
>> Dave: I WONDER IF HE WILL
EVER GET ANOTHER GIRL.
>> I KNOW.
THAT POOR GUY, I'M TELLING YOU.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: OKAY.
SO NOW THIS IS "SWEET CHARITY"
AND HAS IT OPENED OFFICIALLY
NOW.
CURRENTLY'S AL HIRSCHFELD
THEATRE.
>> YES, WE OPENED OFFICIAL,
WEDNESDAY WE OPENED AND IT WAS A
WONDERFUL NIGHT.
AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
COMING.
>> THANK YOU, I HAD A GREAT
TIME.
AND YOU WILL BE THERE THROUGH
JANUARY.
>> YES.
>> Dave: GOOD FOR YOU.
WELL TAKE CARE OF YOUR FOOT.
YOU SAID IT WOULD FLOAT.
AND OF COURSE IT SANK.
LET'S SEE WHAT THE ITEM IS
TONIGHT WHAT IS TONIGHT'S ITEM.
>> TONIGHT'S ITEM IS A GERMAN
CHOCOLATE CAKE.
>> Dave: GERMAN CHOCOLATE CAKE.
AND WHY DOES IT BEING GERMAN,
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH
FLOAT ABILITY.
>> I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT GERMAN
MEANS IT$IS HEAVY CHOCOLATE,
DARK CHOCOLATE, LIGHT CHOCOLATE
WITH A LITTLE BIT OF COCONUT AND
A LOT OF LAYERS.
>> THE WAY THEY USED TO BUILD
THEIR U-BOATS WHAT DOW SAY,
ALAN.
>> ABOUT THAT.
>> Dave: I SEE.
ALL RIGHT, I THINK IT WILL --
WHAT DO YOU THINK, PAUL A WHAT
DO YOU KNOW, GERMAN CHOCOLATE
CAKE.
WHAT ARE WE PLAYING FOR.
>> WE'RE PLAYING FOR A FISHING
BOAT!
>> Dave: OH, BOY.
THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL BOAT.
WHAT DO YOU DO YOU THINK, I
THINK IT WILL SINK.
WHAT KIND OF WRAPPER.
>> WELL, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE IT
OUT OF THE WRAPPER.
>> Dave: OKAY.
PAUL.
>> YOU SAY IT IS GOING TO SINK.
>> I THINK IT WILL SINK.
>> I THINK THAT IT IS GOING TO
SINK AS WELL.
>> Dave: LET'S PLAY WILL IT
FLOAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
HI, ANY TIME ARE YOU READY,
GIRLS.
>> Paul: OH, LOOK AT THAT.
IT FLOATS.
>> Dave: IT FLOATS!
I'LL BE DARNED!
>> AND NOW SOME SURPRISING FACTS
ABOUT GERMAN CHOCOLATE CAKE.
THE CAKE TOOK ITS NAME FROM AN
AMERICAN WITH THE LAST NAME OF
"GERMAN"
ANOTHER SURPRISING FACT, THE
FIRST PUBLISHED RECIPE FOR
GERMAN'S CHOCOLATE CAKE SHOWED
UP IN A DALLAS NEWSPAPER IN
1957.
AND HERE'S ONE FINAL FACT ABOUT
GERMAN CHOCOLATE CAKE, THE